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Original poster

Father has stolen from sibling

102 replies

memorielle · 11/02/2021 23:40

My DF has always been a thief, even as a kid. He was an abusive bastard as a dad too, and we were all terrified of him and carry the lasting legacy of what he did to our self esteem. Sadly, like many kids who had a terrifying parent, all of us still talk to him and feel uneasy about cutting him out of our lives. Guilty almost. Pathetic. But it's how it is.

It's giving me anxiety just to think about doing this, because even though he wouldn't come for me now as an adult, it's like there's a little kid inside who is still paralysed with fear at the thought of provoking him..... but I have found out that he has stolen from one of my siblings. I won't say what as it's very outing... but it's something that would have middling value to him if he sold it, but is priceless to my sibling because of what it represents to them.

Do I take back the item and return it to my sibling, or do I tell my sibling he has the item and let them ask for it back? He will lie about having it. He's stolen from people before and will absolutely brazen it out and make you feel like absolute scum for even suggesting he could be so terrible.

OP posts:
FeckTheMagicDragon · 11/02/2021 23:42

Take it back and give it to your sibling, before he sells it or gets rid of it.

Original poster
memorielle · 11/02/2021 23:47

Yes, this is what I want to do, but I'm a bit scared of what the retaliation will be

OP posts:
parietal · 11/02/2021 23:47

if you can take it back & return it to the sibling, then do so.

and tell the sibling so s/he can go no-contact with DF

CauliflowerSneezed · 11/02/2021 23:48

I would do both. Take it, then tell them what he did.

SquishySquirmy · 11/02/2021 23:50

I would take it back, especially if you can without him realising until later. Return to sibling and explain that your father had it.

Maybe that's not the most honest way, but it is the best way of getting the item back to your sibling and minimises the fallout.
What will your dad do when he realises? He can't demand it back without admitting that he had it in the first place. And even if he did, you could turn the tables and brazenly deny it!

RogersVideo · 11/02/2021 23:51

Take the item and give it back if you are able. What's your DF going to say? "Who stole the thing I stole?"

SnarkyBag · 11/02/2021 23:51

Will he know you took it? It’s easy to say return and don’t worry about upsetting him but I know exactly what you mean about feeling like a child and not being able to contemplate challenging your dad.

I took the wimps way out and just stopped calling and visiting. Fortunately my parents don’t live locally. Did mean I got cut off pretty much by my mum too sadly (despite the fact she’s spent my whole laugh moaning about what an awful man he is)

SnarkyBag · 11/02/2021 23:51

Life not laugh

HaveeeeYouMetTed · 11/02/2021 23:53

I would take the item back to your sibling if its safe for you to do so.

Chloemol · 12/02/2021 00:37

Take the item back, give it to your sibling

Personally I would then go nc

Aquamarine1029 · 12/02/2021 00:41

Take the item back to your sibling and wash your hands of your horrible father.

kirktonhouse · 12/02/2021 00:43

Take it back to your sibling. Be prepared for him to blame you for taking it. Then forget about him, you deserve better, and you are better.

TinkerPony · 12/02/2021 00:55

If you can safety remove it yourself without being notice take it back and return to sibling and inform them.
Take pic where u found it in dad house if necessary. Then go NC. Life too short for stress.

Stompythedinosaur · 12/02/2021 00:57

I'd take the item back, then cut him out of your life.

FionaMacCool · 12/02/2021 00:58

there's a little kid inside who is still paralysed with fear at the thought of provoking him
Completely normal- dont feel guilty or ashamed about this; take the time to be kind to yourself and look after that "scared kid" part of your brain. You did what you could to survive in less than ideal circumstances as a small child.

he has stolen from one of my siblings....it's something that ....is priceless to my sibling.
At some level, your dad possibly stole it precisely because it is valuable to your sibling. He may even need to stir up the drama of being accused and denying that he took it.

If safe and possible, I would take the item discreetly, and return it to sibling. Dont mention it unless the topic is raised by your father.

Redsquirrel5 · 12/02/2021 01:11

I would think that you were “ returning it to the rightful owner.”
Is it small enough to put it in a bag? Could you remove it while he went to make tea? Yes in that circumstance I would take it and I have never stolen anything. Alternative would be to ask your sibling to meet you there so they see for themselves.

ktp100 · 12/02/2021 01:27

How do you know he has it? Have you been to his place and seen it?

I think the only thing you can do is put the wrong right. Either tell her or take it and give it back.

I don't think I could allow a man like that anywhere near my family. He sounds dreadful. Him being your father does not mean you have to be around him. You're an adult, you have a choice.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/02/2021 02:07

If you can take it back without endangering yourself then do it and give it back to your sibling and tell them the whole story. If you are worried about your safety, then tell your sibling and leave it up to them.

Honestly, I think you should consider going NC with your dad. He sounds like a lot more trouble than he's worth.

hannayeah · 12/02/2021 02:14

I would take it. I’d try to do it in such a way that he wouldn’t know, and I’d never admit it to him if asked.

If you don’t do this, I’d stay completely uninvolved. Unless it might do some kind of good for your sibling to know he took even if they are unable to get it back. Protect them from further thefts, perhaps.

That might not sound right. But there just isn’t a good way to deal with a person like this.

SilverBirchWithout · 12/02/2021 02:18

I’m going to take a different tack to others - not because I necessarily strongly disagree but to help you explore other options.

This issue is between your sibling and father and not really to do with you, I can understand your desire to help your sibling - but you need to let them be empowered to take their own action. Let them know what you know, ask whether they need your support, if not walk away. Your father is still calling all the shots here if you just wade in to sort out this drama. He enjoys the power he still has over you both, remove that mental power.

CSIblonde · 12/02/2021 03:02

I'd take a picture for proof then return it to your sibling if you can do so safely. Say nothing to your father. It's then up to the sibling to decide re further contact or confronting him. It sounds like a power thing to take something that has sentimental value. If he has form for taking stuff of little value i'd wonder about underlying psych issues . If it's usually stuff of value & he has a criminal record it's obvious a long ingrained behaviour patterns.

Sapho47 · 12/02/2021 03:10

"I won't say what as it's very outing... "

How is it? It seems your sibling doesn't even know its missing so unless you've been running round the neighbourhood telling everyone your dad stole your sisters rocking horse or something

Original poster
memorielle · 12/02/2021 06:51

@Sapho47

"I won't say what as it's very outing... "

How is it? It seems your sibling doesn't even know its missing so unless you've been running round the neighbourhood telling everyone your dad stole your sisters rocking horse or something

Because there aren't very many of them, there are plenty of people who would know my sibling has one and there aren't very many fathers who will have taken this sort of thing from their child. It's not me I'm worried about outing. I don't want one of my siblings friends to see this and say "hey, a thread on mumsnet made me think of you" and for them to then discover it's missing. Or for a crappy publication to pick it up (It's not a very interesting story but I've seen plenty that aren't interesting turn up in them)
OP posts:
Createsuser · 12/02/2021 06:59

I would take it and give it back to your sibling. He can’t confront you without admitting being a thief and the sibling might decide not to confront him. If they do, back them.

Original poster
memorielle · 12/02/2021 07:01

@ktp100

How do you know he has it? Have you been to his place and seen it?

I think the only thing you can do is put the wrong right. Either tell her or take it and give it back.

I don't think I could allow a man like that anywhere near my family. He sounds dreadful. Him being your father does not mean you have to be around him. You're an adult, you have a choice.

Because I took an animal of his to the vet recently and I saw it in his house.
OP posts:
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