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AIBU?

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Original poster

Father has stolen from sibling

102 replies

memorielle · 11/02/2021 23:40

My DF has always been a thief, even as a kid. He was an abusive bastard as a dad too, and we were all terrified of him and carry the lasting legacy of what he did to our self esteem. Sadly, like many kids who had a terrifying parent, all of us still talk to him and feel uneasy about cutting him out of our lives. Guilty almost. Pathetic. But it's how it is.

It's giving me anxiety just to think about doing this, because even though he wouldn't come for me now as an adult, it's like there's a little kid inside who is still paralysed with fear at the thought of provoking him..... but I have found out that he has stolen from one of my siblings. I won't say what as it's very outing... but it's something that would have middling value to him if he sold it, but is priceless to my sibling because of what it represents to them.

Do I take back the item and return it to my sibling, or do I tell my sibling he has the item and let them ask for it back? He will lie about having it. He's stolen from people before and will absolutely brazen it out and make you feel like absolute scum for even suggesting he could be so terrible.

OP posts:
toocold54 · 12/02/2021 13:45

Why don't you take a photo and send it to sibling and say is this yours? And do you want me to get it back for you?
They might want to get it themselves so they can ask him why he has it.

ktp100 · 12/02/2021 13:47

Do the right thing and take it back. If he's already sold it then at least tell your sibling.

What an awful man!

TheyIsMyFamily · 12/02/2021 14:01

Just retrieve the item, return it to your sibling, and then go NC.

MumW · 12/02/2021 14:24

You and your sibling need to support each other to go NC. Get counselling if necessary, you really don't need such an arsehole in your lives just because you shqre genes.

Snowymcsnowsony · 12/02/2021 14:26

How likely will he be to even notice if it's in the loft?

legalseagull · 12/02/2021 14:29

If you're not going to have the opportunity to take it until Tuesday you should tell your DB. If he wants to go get it sooner he can.

legalseagull · 12/02/2021 14:29

He can also check the attic to see his is gone.

unmarkedbythat · 12/02/2021 14:44

I don't know what I think you should do, it's too easy to advise from the safety of behind a screen.

There is a relative of mine who sounds very similar and him I would take it back from if I didn't think he was going to catch me in the act; if I wasn't confident I could get it away without him seeing me do it, or if it was going to be very obvious it was me who did it, I would be more inclined to tell my sibling and leave it up to them to decide.

LucyAutumn · 12/02/2021 14:51

Definitely just take it. I have a family me.ber like this also and I wouldn't stand for it if I caught them out.

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 12/02/2021 15:30

Take it back , but only if it is safe for you to do so .

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 12/02/2021 15:38

Definitely take it back if it is safe to do so. Then try to cut your horrible father out of your life. He sounds vile and you deserve so much more.

billy1966 · 12/02/2021 15:46

Take a photograph of it in his house so you have proof it was in his house before you take it.

What a hortorbof a man.Flowers

YoniAndGuy · 12/02/2021 15:54

Please take it as planned. Then deny all knowledge.

If he gets aggressive, use it as an excuse to cut contact. You really don't need to fear him now. Call the police, block him, send him a message saying you're done with his abuse and he either leaves you alone or you go to the police.

Embroideredstars · 12/02/2021 15:57

If it's small and pocket able I'd just take it back and give to sibling, if you definitely know it wasnt given to him.

If you aren't sure just tell sibling it's there and let them decide what to do.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/02/2021 16:01

This issue is between your sibling and father and not really to do with you, I can understand your desire to help your sibling - but you need to let them be empowered to take their own action. Let them know what you know, ask whether they need your support, if not walk away. Your father is still calling all the shots here if you just wade in to sort out this drama. He enjoys the power he still has over you both, remove that mental power

This ^^

I know it's going against the grain a bit, but if it belongs to the sibling, is it really for anyone else to interfere beyond letting them know what's happened?

If they actually want you to get it back for them that's a bit different, but otherwise I'd tell them and then step back (and go completely NC with him of course)

Comtesse · 12/02/2021 16:33

Good idea from @billy1966 take a photo then pinch it back. Then consider never speaking to this horrible man again.

altiara · 12/02/2021 17:05

I’d check with my sibling and then take it back. Or get them to come with you when you collect the pet and they take it back while you talk about the pet.

DNHandTNS · 12/02/2021 21:59

@Puzzledandpissedoff

This issue is between your sibling and father and not really to do with you, I can understand your desire to help your sibling - but you need to let them be empowered to take their own action. Let them know what you know, ask whether they need your support, if not walk away. Your father is still calling all the shots here if you just wade in to sort out this drama. He enjoys the power he still has over you both, remove that mental power

This ^^

I know it's going against the grain a bit, but if it belongs to the sibling, is it really for anyone else to interfere beyond letting them know what's happened?

If they actually want you to get it back for them that's a bit different, but otherwise I'd tell them and then step back (and go completely NC with him of course)

This^^

AND if you aren't careful, he might lie about you to your sibling that it was you who took it in the first place, not him, but that you are just doing it to make trouble. He sounds very toxic. Whatever you do, cover your own back.

loveyouradvice · 12/02/2021 22:37

You are brave and wonderful and in your shoes I absolutely would take it on Tuesday when you go to the vet's .... and Yes take a photo of it in situ first.... our siblings are so important and looking out for each other builds strong relationships for the future

AgentJohnson · 13/02/2021 08:06

Take it back or don’t but the greater issue, is that you and your sibling are choosing to have someone in your lives who is known to the thing he has done. Personally, I would take a picture of said item and send it your sibling and then leave it at that.

Save yourself the grief, invest in counselling and go low or no contact.

DNHandTNS · 13/02/2021 10:22

You're a kind person to take your df's pet to the vet and to think of your sibling.
After you have documented where the item is photographically, its up to your sibling to decide whether to involve police.
It sounds like your parent doesn't have boundaries and as toxic may act the victim when confronted rather than accept responsibility. Don't deal with this alone You both need therapy, support. You've probably had a whole lifetime of being stolen from on one level or another.

TinkerPony · 15/02/2021 18:33

Good luck tomorrow.

TinkerPony · 15/02/2021 18:34

If possible bring your sibling with you if safe covid wise and let them retrieve it themselves.

hannayeah · 17/02/2021 02:24

Did you get it?

MrsSDK · 17/02/2021 06:03

If he were to challenge you taking it back, wouldn't he have to admit stealing it in the first place?

Hope it went ok yesterday..

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