Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Father has stolen from sibling

102 replies

memorielle · 11/02/2021 23:40

My DF has always been a thief, even as a kid. He was an abusive bastard as a dad too, and we were all terrified of him and carry the lasting legacy of what he did to our self esteem. Sadly, like many kids who had a terrifying parent, all of us still talk to him and feel uneasy about cutting him out of our lives. Guilty almost. Pathetic. But it's how it is.

It's giving me anxiety just to think about doing this, because even though he wouldn't come for me now as an adult, it's like there's a little kid inside who is still paralysed with fear at the thought of provoking him..... but I have found out that he has stolen from one of my siblings. I won't say what as it's very outing... but it's something that would have middling value to him if he sold it, but is priceless to my sibling because of what it represents to them.

Do I take back the item and return it to my sibling, or do I tell my sibling he has the item and let them ask for it back? He will lie about having it. He's stolen from people before and will absolutely brazen it out and make you feel like absolute scum for even suggesting he could be so terrible.

OP posts:

IthinkIm · 12/02/2021 07:04

Maybe they gave it to him.

Bananablondie · 12/02/2021 07:19

An uncle had something that my grandmother had given to me. My brother saw it and took it back for me. I’m forever grateful. It was something I loved and that my unpleasant uncle would have sold.

We are NC with the uncle now and of course, it’s not the same as it being your actual father. But I would still take the item for your sibling.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 12/02/2021 07:24

I would definitely take it.
May be just the act of doing that might just be a step in the right direction.

thebestnamehere · 12/02/2021 07:25

@memorielle

Yes, this is what I want to do, but I'm a bit scared of what the retaliation will be

Hi, this must be awful for you. What would the retaliation be? When he knows its gone, is he likely to say "where has my stolen article gone to?' Surely he can't admit to having it?

Do you live with him? Are you in danger? If not, take the article back. You are an adult and don't have to stay in contact with him

Original poster

memorielle · 12/02/2021 07:25

@IthinkIm

Maybe they gave it to him.

They 100% did not.

OP posts:

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 12/02/2021 07:26

Can you take it safely? If you can then I would.

Have you had therapy? If not it might be something worth looking into.
You could also ask your sibling if they have it and mention you saw it at your DF's house

CottonSock · 12/02/2021 07:28

Do you live with him?

DinosaurDiana · 12/02/2021 07:29

Take it back.
You are not that child anymore.
I appreciate you being scared of him, my DH is in his 6o’s and he is still scared of his dad in his 90’s, yet he is a carer for him.

Cherrysoup · 12/02/2021 07:29

Sneak it back to your sibling. Pointless asking as you say he will brazen it out.

gamerchick · 12/02/2021 07:32

I would tell sibling so they can go and get it back. Then I'd cut him off.

Time to come out of the FOG OP, it's very freeing. Just because he provided the DNA to your mother's to make you doesn't make you his. You wouldn't choose to have him in your life.

My ex is like your dad, my kids have little to do with him. Thieving scum don't deserve it.

timeisnotaline · 12/02/2021 07:45

Just take it. You aren’t that child anymore. Don’t say a word to your ‘d’f, tell sibling not to let him in the house when you give it back.

gamerchick · 12/02/2021 07:49

Plus if you take it and he's knicked it, whats he going to do, make a fuss?

Then you brazen it out with not knowing what he's on about if he does.

MzHz · 12/02/2021 07:49

@timeisnotaline

Just take it. You aren’t that child anymore. Don’t say a word to your ‘d’f, tell sibling not to let him in the house when you give it back.

This

You’re not the child anymore

You don’t need to fear him. He stole, you know he did and your sibling will also know

He won’t be able to defend himself and you just have to say “I’m not discussing this with you” and leave him be.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 12/02/2021 08:01

I know this isn’t the point of the thread - and agree you should return it or tell the sibling so they can get it back - but I have a good idea about what the object is. How come the sibling hasn’t noticed it’s gone?

NotSorry · 12/02/2021 08:07

It’s all very well some PPs telling OP you’ve nothing to fear anymore - it’s not that easy. Even after a lot of counselling this situation makes me very anxious on behalf of the OP, knowing what it would be like if I was in her situation.

OP I’d find a way to take back the item and return to the sibling.

I’ve gone very low contact with my parent as it’s the best way forward for me and my family. Even low contact has people accusing me of not caring about my parents (none of their business). No contact would be just too difficult. Do what you have to to survive mentally and emotionally. Some very good advice from some posters on this thread.

Porcupineintherough · 12/02/2021 08:08

Return the item to your sibling and tell your dad to get to fuck. It's about time isn't it?

Sumwin1 · 12/02/2021 08:18

I’m not sure OP. What will your sibling say?

None of us are obligated to anybody parents or not.

AStudyinPink · 12/02/2021 08:22

Be careful. You would be removing something from your father’s possession. If he reported you to police, how would you prove you aren’t the thief?

Original poster

memorielle · 12/02/2021 08:26

@WorkingItOutAsIGo

I don't see how you can, but it's because it was in their attic. DF stored some things in their attic while he was moving house a while ago as he didn't think he could get them through the loft hatch at his. He came and collected them a few months later, and that must be when he took it. I know it's my siblings and not another one that he's procured himself because of what it is. He has it because it has some value and he has form for this. He stole an antique from a family member once and sold it to buy things for his hobby. The amount it would sell for would be meaningless to my sibling because it represents far more than a few hundred quid to them. I don't live with him, I just took an animal to a vet for him because he was unable to and I saw the item. I should have taken it then, I was just so taken aback. I have agreed to take that same animal for a checkup on Tuesday, so assuming he's just as brazen as ever, it'll still be exactly where I saw it and I'll take it.

OP posts:

Original poster

memorielle · 12/02/2021 08:27

@AStudyinPink

Be careful. You would be removing something from your father’s possession. If he reported you to police, how would you prove you aren’t the thief?

Because it can be proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that it belongs to my sibling. There's no question. Would I get into trouble still?

OP posts:

AStudyinPink · 12/02/2021 08:30

Because it can be proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that it belongs to my sibling. There's no question. Would I get into trouble still?

But can you prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that it still belongs to your sibling? Things change hands.

The thing to do here is - if it is that important to you and your sibling - ask for it back or report it. Don’t go snooping through your horrible dad’s attic, it could backfire.

MaryBoBary · 12/02/2021 08:42

I would tell my sibling and let them sort it out with him. I just wanted to say that I went no contact with my dad 18 months ago and completly recognise the scared feeling of an abusive parent, even when you are an adult. My life has been so much more relaxed, I've felt like a weight has been lifted since I stopped contact. It hasn't been easy and he has got family members I barely know to ring me trying to convince me to get in touch with him again. But I've stood my ground and he has finally given up. If going no contact is something you want to do, then be brave and stick to your guns xx

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 12/02/2021 08:42

OP am glad you feel encouraged to act and get it back for your sibling.

I didn’t mean I know what this actual item is, but that I had a good idea of something that is quite rare, would have a middling value if sold, and would be priceless to the person who it belonged to. So I could understand both how your sibling would feel and also why you would know it was your sibling’s, and even why it would be an outing story of you named the item, as there are a limited number of them and they are quite notable. The thing I am thinking of might not be the same item, but thinking of it shines a light on the situation for me.

Good luck with this and get yourself over to the Stately Homes threads here.

BadMotherLover · 12/02/2021 08:49

NC is a fantastic release. Take the item, return it, tell them all. Then NC DF.

knittingaddict · 12/02/2021 08:55

I know this isn't relevant to the thread, but there is no way that anyone on here could possibly know what this item is. It's ridiculous to say that you do as it could be anything - a ring, a watch, a book, a piece of glass, a collectable, a bike. Anything could be of middling value, but priceless to the owner.

Op, I think if you can safely get it out of the house and give it back to your sibling then you absolutely should. Then the whole lot of you should go no contact with this man. Some counselling might be useful too. He might be your father, but you owe him nothing.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread