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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be wary about child’s father being at the birth?

80 replies

Zrose · 11/02/2021 10:51

I found out I was pregnant again New Year’s Day and due in may. The best way to describe my relationship with my child’s father is tumultuous (very narcisstic). I’ve told him about the baby and he has requested to be at the birth. I’ve initially said yes but it’s causing me a lot of anxiety, due to COVID I only get to have one person as my birth partner. This person can’t be changed/swapped, I keep questioning what if’s:

What if I rely on him and he doesn’t turn up?
What if he gets bored after a couple hours and leaves?
What if he starts to act in a way that’s disrespectful/rude?
What if he tries to ruin it for me?
What if it becomes a serious situation for me and baby? Can I trust him to make Important decisions?

As much as I want to give him an opportunity to share that experience I see it as a big risk and now I’m not so sure about saying yes. Also I don’t know how it would be emotionally for me as we currently aren’t together and I haven’t seen him in months due to him causing too much abuse previously and me having to get a non mol. I just feel like when it comes to him I am too kind. This will be my last child for a while now and I don’t want it ruined. AIBU?

OP posts:

Ginfordinner · 11/02/2021 10:53

I don't think he has a right to insist being there. It is your call. What do you want?

SatsumasOrClementines · 11/02/2021 10:55

I would want someone there to support and advocate for me. Will he do that? If not is there anyone who would (family member or friend)?

trevthecat · 11/02/2021 10:55

The birth is about you. You are the one going through it. If you have any concerns that he may make your experience harder or cause anxiety, have someone else. You are allowed to be completely selfish at this point. (Personally I don't think it's selfish but some may)

Ilovecaviar · 11/02/2021 10:56

Just no. Have someone you actually want there and can support you for all the reasons you’ve given.

He sounds like a knob, why do you want him in your child’s life anyway?

Portla · 11/02/2021 10:57

You are not being unreasonable. Do you have a different person in mind to be with you? I personally would tell him no. Its not worth the worry you need to do whats best for you.

Yumyumdindins · 11/02/2021 10:57

Just say no. OP he was so vile to you that you had to take out a non mol against him, why would you want him anywhere near you at the birth, a time where you will be at your most emotionally, mentally and physically vulnerable. He clearly has a hold over you, given that you took out a non mol order but then had sex with him again. This is the time to start breaking free from him for good. Just say no, you are having your mum (or whoever) at the birth. If he argues with you, list the reasons you have stated here. If he kicks off, just tell him that if he continues then you will use his behavior as evidence to refuse access to the baby.

OldEvilOwl · 11/02/2021 10:58

Its not about him. He doesn't get a say. Who would you like to have there instead?

HitchFlix · 11/02/2021 10:58

Pregnancy can be hard enough without added anxieties. Don't have him there. Have someone you trust and can rely on. It's what's best for you not him. He has no "right" to be there for the experience so do what's best for you and your baby.

YoungBritishPissArtist · 11/02/2021 10:59

I would absolutely get someone else to be your birth partner. If you can’t even rely on him to attend the birth, what kind of father is he going to be to the baby?

I would ask

MyFloorIsLava · 11/02/2021 10:59

If the non mol is live then he would actually be committing a crime by being there. He's clearly a toxic influence on your life. No do not have him at the birth! Pick a different birth partner, don't tell him, when baby is born let him know and claim it happened too quickly to get hold of him. Work on having as little involvement with him as is humanly possible.

Greenmarmalade · 11/02/2021 11:00

Omg no! Change this immediately! It’s not his right to be there. Your birth partner needs to be reliable and there to support YOU

LagunaBubbles · 11/02/2021 11:01

Why are you even considering having him as a birthing partner if he has abused you?

Merryoldgoat · 11/02/2021 11:01

No. Just tell him once the baby is born. Don't put him on the birth certificate.

ChaToilLeam · 11/02/2021 11:01

Don’t have him there. Stress can inhibit and even halt labour, you need someone who can support you and advocate for you. Better alone than with someone who is a shithead.

YoungBritishPissArtist · 11/02/2021 11:02

I’ve just read your OP properly, I had to Google what a non-mol is; if he’s an abuser stay the hell away from him!

Ginfordinner · 11/02/2021 11:03

Why did you accept him back into your life if you have a non mol order against him?

OrigamiOwl · 11/02/2021 11:03

I'd say no, especially if you've got a non-mol in place. Do you have someone else who can be there for you?

Mrbob · 11/02/2021 11:03

Poor child

MatildaTheCat · 11/02/2021 11:04

A birth partner is there solely to support you. Not to witness the birth, that’s a bonus.

He sounds very unlikely to support you in a helpful way. If you are stressed or anxious you are more likely to have more complications. You need someone you trust. That’s not him.

Don’t engage in a discussion about this . Just inform him you have chosen someone else on the advice of your midwife and no further replies to any messages.

It sounds like you will need very tight boundaries with this man so you may as well start right here.

Best wishes.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 11/02/2021 11:06

Childbirth isn't about a man's experience. Do whatever is best for you. Don't listen to anyone who tries to tell you it's wrong or anti-man to centre a labouring woman's wellbeing. Childbirth isn't about centring men.

Greenmarmalade · 11/02/2021 11:06

This ‘be kind’ bullshit does not extend to people who do not deserve your kindness! Please do what is good for you and the very start of your Child’s life.

2020iscancelled · 11/02/2021 11:06

No in these circumstances I wouldn’t have him at the birth tbh.

Whilst it would be nice to allow the father to be present you have to put your own comfort and wishes first - you are the one who will be in labour after all. It’s your decision 100%

If you feel anxious about telling him then leave it for a while, baby isn’t due for a while yet. Get another birthing partner lined up and work out all your plans with them accordingly.

Closer to the time you can let him know. DONT tell him yet; or you’ll have months of emotional blackmail and manipulative behaviour to deal with.

I would also at this point not add him to the birth certificate - I’m NOT suggesting cutting him out or anything, he can be added at a later date of course. I wouldn’t personally give someone else parental responsibility of my newborn if our relationship was tumultuous.

Congratulations btw!

Greenmarmalade · 11/02/2021 11:07

And yes- DO NOT PUT HIM ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE! Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself.

Tell the ward that you have a non-mol and do not allow him to visit.

SatsumasOrClementines · 11/02/2021 11:08

Oh god I missed the non-mol part. I’d be strongly considering whether this man was to be any part of my life, let alone present at the birth!

2020iscancelled · 11/02/2021 11:08

Missed the bit about the non mol order -
Definitely don’t add to the birth certificate immediately

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