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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be wary about child’s father being at the birth?

80 replies

Zrose · 11/02/2021 10:51

I found out I was pregnant again New Year’s Day and due in may. The best way to describe my relationship with my child’s father is tumultuous (very narcisstic). I’ve told him about the baby and he has requested to be at the birth. I’ve initially said yes but it’s causing me a lot of anxiety, due to COVID I only get to have one person as my birth partner. This person can’t be changed/swapped, I keep questioning what if’s:

What if I rely on him and he doesn’t turn up?
What if he gets bored after a couple hours and leaves?
What if he starts to act in a way that’s disrespectful/rude?
What if he tries to ruin it for me?
What if it becomes a serious situation for me and baby? Can I trust him to make Important decisions?

As much as I want to give him an opportunity to share that experience I see it as a big risk and now I’m not so sure about saying yes. Also I don’t know how it would be emotionally for me as we currently aren’t together and I haven’t seen him in months due to him causing too much abuse previously and me having to get a non mol. I just feel like when it comes to him I am too kind. This will be my last child for a while now and I don’t want it ruined. AIBU?

OP posts:
RedMarauder · 11/02/2021 12:37

@willowmelangell She shouldn't be replying.

OP do you have any adult family members or friends who are willing to give him basic information on your behalf?

They should tell him roughly when the baby is due, that he will be contacted when s/he is born and not to contact them before hand.

JustAnotherUserinParadise · 11/02/2021 12:37

No way! You need someone there who will be a support and comfort to you!

I'd go one further than @MumInBrussels and just suggest that you let him think he'll be there then just him after the baby has arrived. You can always make something up later about it happening faster than expected.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 11/02/2021 12:41

@Merryoldgoat

No. Just tell him once the baby is born. Don't put him on the birth certificate.
This. Please, please do not put him on the birth certificate. Having him at the birth (not that I think you should) will fuck up a few hours. Having him on the birth certificate will fuck up the next 18 years.
Original poster
Zrose · 11/02/2021 12:43

I’ll provide a further timeline. The non mol is for 6 months, up in April. Baby is due in May, I wouldn’t break the non mol.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zrose · 11/02/2021 12:44

My family aren’t the greatest barely speak to them which is why the decision is even harder.

OP posts:
namitynamechange · 11/02/2021 12:45

As others have said. Childbirth isnt an "experience" for the people witnessing it. It is the birth of a child by YOU - others may well find it an enriching experience but that is completely incidental to the main event. It should be about being supported by the person you want there. Even if he was a lovely man you should still feel entitled to have (eg) your mum or best friend there instead if you would prefer it. The way he is, he should not even be in the running.

namitynamechange · 11/02/2021 12:46

Sorry I should also have specified. It doesnt have to be blood family either. A friend would be good, otherwise this seems like exactly the situation in which a doula would be really useful

Chanandlerbong01 · 11/02/2021 12:49

Poor child

Also poor OP. Non-mols are not easy to get, so she is clearly a victim of his abuse.

I’m all for claiming it happened too fast/couldn’t get hold of him. That way he can’t manipulate the situation.

pooopypants · 11/02/2021 12:53

Absolutely. Fucking. Not.

The birth is about you, not him, or anyone else. Evidence has shown that having someone you're scared of (etc) at the birth can affect you negatively and cause the birthing progress to slow down or be harder than it should be.

Do you have a friend who can be with you? Where will your current DC be staying while you're having your baby?

Fuckityfucksake · 11/02/2021 12:58

OP don't tell him you've changed your mind or discuss any further with him.
Arrange another person to be your birth partner and go give birth with them supporting you.
He wouldn't know you were birthing so just inform him after the baby is born.
If he's a dick and asks why you didn't tell him you'd gone into labour then tell him it happened so fast, actual birth partner was 'luckily' on the scene at the time or similar.

GabsAlot · 11/02/2021 12:58

no even if it is expired he has no rights noone does except you

i woldnt tell him yet either just say it happened quickly-and id still tel the midwife you were in an abusive relationship

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 11/02/2021 12:59

OP, you need to look after you, and the baby.

No one else.

This man is a threat to your emotional security and wellbeing - the last person you should have as a birth partner.

Just you and the midwives would be better than worrying about him. And you do not want him there when you are in an undressed vulnerable state. 'Someone' is not better than 'no one' when that someone is someone you had to take a non-mol against! What makes you think he has changed?

If he is there at the birth he will then make your life hell again from then on.

Do not tell him the due date. Make no further contact, and if he somehow manages to contact you (he shouldn't, until April) say 'Not now possible' and then block him again.

OP - have you looked at the Freedom Programme online?

yvanka · 11/02/2021 13:00

Is there anyone you actually would want there? If not, you still don't have to let him come. Many women do it alone and the midwives will look after you.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 11/02/2021 13:00

I wouldn't even tell him once the baby is born.

No contact.

LastTangoInBodmin · 11/02/2021 13:03

Even if you have nobody else who could be a good birth partner, I would honestly rather go it alone than have somebody abusive as my birth partner. In this situation anyone is definitely NOT better than no one. The midwives would look after you and give you extra support as a lone mother.

Tweacle · 11/02/2021 13:07

If you got a non mol order at some point, then there's no way he should be at the birth. It's not his right to be there. It's your right to have a peaceful stress free labour and delivery. Say no. And stick to it.

DumplingsAndStew · 11/02/2021 13:07

@Zrose

I’ll provide a further timeline. The non mol is for 6 months, up in April. Baby is due in May, I wouldn’t break the non mol.
Does the order say you are allowed to communicate, but that he's not allowed to see you in person? Is your daughter still seeing her father?
MichelleofzeResistance · 11/02/2021 13:08

He forced you to take out a non-mol to protect yourself from him and you're worried you're not being fair saying no to him in the delivery room? Shock

Oh love come on. Flowers All the above advice on not confusing things around your non-mol or accidentally giving him an in to your life that will make things worse for you.

And then pick who you want to be with you for their company and their support while you're giving birth, their sole job in being allowed to be present at all is because they're of comfort and help to you. Pick someone who's going to do the best job at that.

Playnoh · 11/02/2021 13:14

If you don’t want him there, don’t have him there.

Sendingasurprise · 11/02/2021 13:36

Listen to your own inner voice...you and your baby are worth so much more than this stress. Surround yourself with people who will Iove and support you both. Choose one of them to be your birth partner. Do not put your ex on the birth certificate as he can use the 'parental responsibility' it confers to control and frustrate you (school choices, meďical issues, permission to holiday abroad etc). He can still be an active father /pay maintenance/see the child without having parental responsibility, but your life will be a lot easier. Move forward to a safer more secure life and new opportunities will open up . Best of luck. Flowers

DianeCherry · 11/02/2021 13:44

No way would I have a narc as a birthing partner under any circumstances.

LaurieFairyCake · 11/02/2021 13:53

Take a friend Thanks

Text him a few days later

You DO NOT have to tell him in advance- just tell him afterwards it happened quickly and you had someone with you

Original poster
Zrose · 11/02/2021 14:24

I think I may go with a doula, the perinatal team offered me one and I said I’d think about it. Thank you guys for your support ❤️

OP posts:
Heyahun · 11/02/2021 14:29

absolutely not - you need someone supportive there

Especially now with covid and the fact you can't have a second person with you or switch the partner!

Just tell him no - blame covid if you have to!

DinoHat · 11/02/2021 14:50

@LaurieFairyCake

Take a friend Thanks

Text him a few days later

You DO NOT have to tell him in advance- just tell him afterwards it happened quickly and you had someone with you

This. But don’t explain yourself. Will be have to have supervised contact with your DC?