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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be wary about child’s father being at the birth?

80 replies

Zrose · 11/02/2021 10:51

I found out I was pregnant again New Year’s Day and due in may. The best way to describe my relationship with my child’s father is tumultuous (very narcisstic). I’ve told him about the baby and he has requested to be at the birth. I’ve initially said yes but it’s causing me a lot of anxiety, due to COVID I only get to have one person as my birth partner. This person can’t be changed/swapped, I keep questioning what if’s:

What if I rely on him and he doesn’t turn up?
What if he gets bored after a couple hours and leaves?
What if he starts to act in a way that’s disrespectful/rude?
What if he tries to ruin it for me?
What if it becomes a serious situation for me and baby? Can I trust him to make Important decisions?

As much as I want to give him an opportunity to share that experience I see it as a big risk and now I’m not so sure about saying yes. Also I don’t know how it would be emotionally for me as we currently aren’t together and I haven’t seen him in months due to him causing too much abuse previously and me having to get a non mol. I just feel like when it comes to him I am too kind. This will be my last child for a while now and I don’t want it ruined. AIBU?

OP posts:
JesusAteMyHamster · 11/02/2021 11:08

I think you need to start as you mean to go on regarding your relationship between him, you and the child you have together.

Given the circumstances this means having firm boundaries in place and a civil yet unemotional relationship.

Your child's birth is about you. And bringing your and his baby into the world safely. He doesn't need to be there. And you need to have somebody with you that you can trust when you're in such a vulnerable state.

altiara · 11/02/2021 11:17

Definitely no!

altiara · 11/02/2021 11:17

That was meant to be No, don’t have him at the birth!
You need someone to look out for you.

User0ne · 11/02/2021 11:18

Sweet Jesus no!

From a basic biological perspective the hormones you need to give birth without interventions are essentially the same as the ones you need to orgasm. You aren't going to produce those of you're worrying about his behaviour or being unable to trust him.

If you explain to the midwives they might allow you 2 people there.

If not then you pick someone else. If you're worried about telling him then just don't (you can let him know after the baby is here)

DinoHat · 11/02/2021 11:20

You have listed some really rational and sensible reasons for not having him there. The one that stood out most for me was being able to make decisions in your best interest. Your birth partner needs to be an advocate for you and act in your best interests. If he can’t be trusted to do that he shouldn’t be at the birth. Also you want someone who can support you emotionally. He doesn’t sound like the person to do that.

AmandaHoldensLips · 11/02/2021 11:21

Absolutely not.

TankGirl97 · 11/02/2021 11:22

The point of having someone with you is so they can support you and advocate for you. Aside from anything else (which you've been given good advice on by others here), I'd focus on that. It's got to be all about you and what you need.

MumInBrussels · 11/02/2021 11:28

Your birth partner is there to support you as you give birth. It's not so dads can see their kids being born, though that's nice in ideal circumstances, it's because dads are often the best support for the mother giving birth. This doesn't sound likely to be the case for you - it actually sounds like he would significantly add to the stress of having a baby, rather than reduce it.

I'd find someone else to be with you during the birth, someone you trust to act in your best interests if things start to go wrong. He will have to live with missing the birth. If he hadn't previously been such an arse, maybe he could be there, but since he was, he's not the right person. Especially since you only get one at the moment! Tell the midwives you don't want him there, in case he turns up anyway, and they'll make sure he doesn't come in.

notalwaysalondoner · 11/02/2021 11:34

I appreciate you are wanting to do the right thing by having him there, and good for you, but in the current situation with only 1 birth partner I think you have to do what is right for you, not him. I would be getting a trusted family member or friend to be there, not him, due to all the risks you mentioned.

Boardeduplife · 11/02/2021 11:48

You’re being unreasonable for having a baby with someone like this never mind having him there at the birth.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 11/02/2021 11:51

Simple OP, just say no. It's your body and your baby, you can have who you like there and he doesn't have any rights at all as far as the birth goes.
You need to be relaxed to have a good birth and to be worried like this isn't relaxing.

TinyCake · 11/02/2021 11:52

No don't have him there. Some people don't even have their kind non-abusive partners there

Original poster
Zrose · 11/02/2021 11:55

Sorry of all the answers here it’s @YumyumdindinsYumyumdindins that has really offended me. Let me provide you a timeline and some context we were still together as of last summer.

August - missed period
September - testing negative & big bleed which I now have been told by midwife was me losing a twin, same happened with our daughter she had a vanishing twin
October - non mol is being sorted
November - non mol in place, no contact at all
January - being kicked, positive test hence why I’m due in may.

So no I haven’t seen or slept with him since non mol is in place. He doesn’t have my number, and blocked everywhere else. However I did text him from another number to let him know about baby.

Thank you for those who have helped give me advice and support me. Yes I am dreading telling him I don’t want him there, I said yes because I wanted to give him a chance but I feel like at this point I really am out of trust faith hope patience and chances when it comes to him. I recognise that I am CO-dependent which is something I struggle with but I do respect all of your opinions. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zrose · 11/02/2021 11:57

And no will not be adding him to birth certificate he’s not on our daughters either.

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 11/02/2021 12:02

Dont let him suck you back in OP A non-molestation order means you dont see him ever. You dont even gave to tell him "no" if you dont want to, just block him.

Devlesko · 11/02/2021 12:05

With a non mol order I wouldn't have him anywhere near, he has no rights.
Are you putting him on the birth certificate?

user1493413286 · 11/02/2021 12:08

I could not imagine giving birth without someone there who I 100% trusted and could rely on. It’s a shame that you can’t have two people so you could have him with someone else there too but that’s not your fault and it’s not your fault that he is the way he is. You don’t need this kind of anxiety as you approach the birth either

user1493413286 · 11/02/2021 12:12

Also just to add and I say this from a helpful perspective but with a non mol in place it would be risky to have him there as he could then return to court and argue that it doesn’t need to be in place if you were happy to have him there at the birth. I’d be cautious of doing anything that he might use against you at a later date to undermine you

MumInBrussels · 11/02/2021 12:21

Don't tell him until the last minute, if that makes things easier? Make plans for a proper birth partner, tell the hospital about them, let him think he's still doing it. Then you can either tell him you've changed your mind and wouldn't be comfortable with him there/you've had legal advice that he shouldn't be there with the non mol order or the baby came unexpectedly early and fast and there was no time to call him until it was all over and done with, if you can't face telling him at all.

Yes, it's a pretty shitty way to treat someone in normal circumstances, but he doesn't sound like the nicest of people. And you and your comfort levels really are important here. You're the one having the baby, you get to choose who's there.

user1732578431456 · 11/02/2021 12:22

You have a non molestation order in place. How is there even any question of allowing him near you?

Why would you possibly break that? And at such a vulnerable time?

Do you have an IDVA supporting you? It seems like you're struggling quite significantly with the effects of being abused, so if you're not yet able to protect your boundaries do you have support around you to help you while you learn?

GabriellaMontez · 11/02/2021 12:25

"Opportunity "
Its not your responsibility to provide an opportunity for him.

Just look after yourself and go into the delivery room with someone reliable and supportive. Who you trust to advocate for you. The birth is literally all about you and your baby. Not him.

willowmelangell · 11/02/2021 12:29

If he broke the non-mol order and contacted you about the birth, can you be vague, non-commital, mutter something about a week later on in May. Give yourself some time and room.
You had tried to do a decent thing. On reflection you have weighed up carefully and now see things differently. You are allowed to change your mind, I hope you tell your midwife a different name for your birth plan.
With a bit of luck your ex won't contact you at all. Please don't contact him.
Very best of luck Op and congratulations x

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 11/02/2021 12:30

Nobody has a right to be there...besides you of course. Pick someone else. He sounds horrendous.

RedMarauder · 11/02/2021 12:32

OP you need to inform your midwife at your next appointment you have a non-molestation order against the baby's father.

Where you are giving birth also needs to know that there is a non-mol as he is not allowed to be at the birth.

In fact he won't be able to see the baby with you depending on the terms of your non-mol.

Also please stop contacting him and stick to the terms of the non-mol as it is there to protect you. By contacting him you are undermining it.

PeggyHill · 11/02/2021 12:35

Good grief, please don't have him at the birth.

Have someone you can really trust and depend on. Someone who doesn't leave you wondering if they are even going to turn up.