To be wary about child’s father being at the birth?

[Zrose]

I found out I was pregnant again New Year’s Day and due in may. The best way to describe my relationship with my child’s father is tumultuous (very narcisstic). I’ve told him about the baby and he has requested to be at the birth. I’ve initially said yes but it’s causing me a lot of anxiety, due to COVID I only get to have one person as my birth partner. This person can’t be changed/swapped, I keep questioning what if’s:

What if I rely on him and he doesn’t turn up?
What if he gets bored after a couple hours and leaves?
What if he starts to act in a way that’s disrespectful/rude?
What if he tries to ruin it for me?
What if it becomes a serious situation for me and baby? Can I trust him to make Important decisions?

As much as I want to give him an opportunity to share that experience I see it as a big risk and now I’m not so sure about saying yes. Also I don’t know how it would be emotionally for me as we currently aren’t together and I haven’t seen him in months due to him causing too much abuse previously and me having to get a non mol. I just feel like when it comes to him I am too kind. This will be my last child for a while now and I don’t want it ruined. AIBU?

@Zrose

I think I may go with a doula, the perinatal team offered me one and I said I’d think about it. Thank you guys for your support ❤️

Excellent OP. But don't tell him - or anyone else he's likely to ask. Do you have a trusted person who can look after your other child in the run up to and immediately after the birth?

Also are you able to get the Non Mol extended? 🌹

Yes, get a doula instead. A much better support to you. It's not about him.

Tell your midwives he has a history of abuse and violence and you're not together. If he's not going on the birth certificate, he has no parental rights. It sounds like you will be much better off without him. I wouldn't message him again. You're out, and free.

You have a non mol order and and you're still considering having him there? Fuck that! I gave birth alone the first time which was infinitely preferable to having my arse of a ( then) boyfriend (now ex)

Umm - this is going to be your last baby 'for a while'?

Are you thinking about taking him back after this?

Yeah I think doula is definitely the best way to go. No he doesn’t see our daughter at present & when I say it will be my last baby for a while I mean I don’t even think I will trust anyone to be in my life again for a long long time. I also plan to get a coil after this baby, I need to be able to focus on being a good mom to these two first and try to get some type of career going.