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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think we have to accept that we need to use savings to fund care in old age

807 replies

LastDuchessFerrara · 11/02/2021 09:23

My parents died before reaching old age but I'm now watching family and friends caring - in one form or another - for older relatives.

Many seem to be in denial about the fact that savings, pensions and, in some cases equity in their home, needs to be used to enable their relatives to continue to stay in their homes or go into care.

"But they've worked all their lives!" they cry in protest. Well, yes - and now that money needs to be used in their old age.

It's really focussed my mind on how any money I accumulate might not be spent on amazing holidays but paying for cleaners and carers.

I'd be interested in views but please can this not be a "boomer" bashing thread. I know plenty of impoverished old people and plenty of entitled non-boomers.

OP posts:

Kenworthington · 11/02/2021 14:46

My mum spent many years doing without amd saving and investing and saying ‘you’ll be ok’ to me about this big inheritance she thought she was leaving me. Then last year suddenly she had to go into a care home. At nearly £2K per week. Three quarters of the money has now gone. She passed away last month, before I was having to think about selling her house too. She’d be devastated if she’d known

barretbonden · 11/02/2021 14:46

Old people used to die from a fall or a minor infection. Now, they go to hospital for treatment, stay for weeks as the care home isn't organised for nursing eg a broken hip, and use tens of thousands of pounds worth of care. Then they go back to said care home, and continue to decline only to die say a couple of years later.

I think it's bonkers to do this and when I'm so old as to need care, I intend to refuse all medical treatment and let nature take its course.

Fuckadoodledoooo · 11/02/2021 14:47

@Hardbackwriter yep that's them to a tee.

But also I'd rather wear myself to the bone looking after them myself rather than send them into care after having worked in it and seen horrific things (where the families would and did say the care was wonderful for the elderly people I saw treated terribly).

Fuckadoodledoooo · 11/02/2021 14:49

And I do know how hard it is looking after a relative 24/7. I did it for two years for Dh nan for the same reason, I couldn't see her go into a home.

Vivana · 11/02/2021 14:51

The money people pay to stay in care homes is ridiculous. The one I worked in a lady who is capable of doing most things herself was paying £900 a week. Also the only winners are the company's who run them. There was just two carers running around after 19 residents with 2 needing 1 to. 1 care. The pay is nmw for carers and long hours. Company's should hire enough carers to provide loved ones enough care and personal time with a carer. I had 10 minutes to get someone washed dressed and up.

Vivana · 11/02/2021 14:53

It broke my heart and I just wanted to take them home with me. All they wanted was someone to talk to. But I didn't have time or I got moaned at by supervisors.

Fuckadoodledoooo · 11/02/2021 14:54

@Vivana

It broke my heart and I just wanted to take them home with me. All they wanted was someone to talk to. But I didn't have time or I got moaned at by supervisors.

Same. It's a horrible feeling isn't it.

Sadly a lot of care workers couldn't care less though.

AintPageantMaterial · 11/02/2021 14:57

@FiveShelties

My Dad was in a dementia home and self funded. He was a very proud man and would have hated to be dependent on the state when he had money of his own.

Having seen the homes where social services thought my Dad could go to, I am so pleased that we were able to have a choice. What better use could you put your own money to, other than to fund your own care.

Exactly this. I had seen the sort of ‘care’ that the state is able to provide and it’s not something I want for anyone I love, or for myself.

I don’t want to bring my parents into my home and care for them myself so I don’t expect an inheritance. Their money will be spent on decent care for themselves.

VinylDetective · 11/02/2021 15:01

The house will count in some situations. I think if a spouse is living in it, it won’t count, but if it is empty, it will become an asset. Why wouldn’t it? The state won’t fund care because the dc want to make a profit out of renting the family home out long term.
Our old next door neighbours were able to take some kind of loan to pay for care home fees, based on what the house was worth. I’m not sure of the details, but it covered the time between him going in to care and the house being sold (it took a while to sell)

@AIMD was talking about care at home. The house isn’t included because its owner is still living in it.

Suzi888 · 11/02/2021 15:05

So you save and save and what if you don’t go into care? flipping great stuff!
Many people don’t have ‘funds’ or pensions because they choose to spend all their savings and put nothing aside.
I’d rather pay for home care or be smothered than ever go in to a home.

Suzi888 · 11/02/2021 15:06

“The state won’t fund care because the dc want to make a profit out of renting the family home out long term. “ The rent could pay for the care though.

VinylDetective · 11/02/2021 15:11

@Suzi888

“The state won’t fund care because the dc want to make a profit out of renting the family home out long term. “ The rent could pay for the care though.

Unlikely. The cost of a care home will outstrip most rental incomes. The potential monthly rent for my parents’ house wouldn’t have covered a week’s fees for one of them, let alone two.

unmarkedbythat · 11/02/2021 15:12

@Fuckadoodledoooo

My PIL are adamant they ha e "ring fenced" everything and put it all into trust so it can't be used to pay care home fees and will all go to Dh and sil.

I've not looked into it but I can't see how?

That's a terrible thing to do and I hope your DH and SIL would be ashamed to take the money if your ILs do end up needing to be housed and cared for and the state has to fund it.

Fuckadoodledoooo · 11/02/2021 15:14

@unmarkedbythat yeah they would. And they would be happy for me to care fo them as I wouldn't put them in a home, just as I did for their grandmother without a moments thanks or help (from them or MIL).

SoUmmYeah · 11/02/2021 15:21

My friend discovered that the proceeds of her Mum’s modest house was, in effect, subsidising the LA funded residents

Another way to look at this though is that homes are being greedy and whilst they can provide care for the rate they charge the LA, they choose to charge self funders more simply because they know they'll pay. Homes that can't fund care at the LA rate charge even LA funded clients a "top up".

And the nicest looking care homes are not necessarily the best - look beyond the decor and at staff to client ratios, staff retention, services provided.

JanewaysBun · 11/02/2021 15:27

It's so tough, I really hope I and my family go how my GF did. A heat attack (Obvs not nice but sudden) one morning. He was still very active, drove, had holidays etc, I know he wouldn't have dealt well with decline as he was so proud and hated asking for help.

LittleRa · 11/02/2021 15:33

[quote caringcarer]@LittleRa, are you sure? I know three people in care homes and all pay over £1k each week and one pays £1.3k each week. None of these homes seem amazing.[/quote]
No I’m not sure, I googled it and got this from carehome.co.uk

The average weekly cost of living in a residential care home is £704, while the average weekly cost of a nursing home is £888 across the UK

Biker47 · 11/02/2021 15:37

I'm not paying for care, going to take myself out of the equation when the time comes.

QueenoftheAir · 11/02/2021 15:43

"But they've worked all their lives!" they cry in protest. Well, yes - and now that money needs to be used in their old age

Exactly. I fail to see why the "family" home (where most of the family no longer live) should be sacrosanct if there's no-one living in it.

When I have to move (usually for a job), I sell one house & buy another; I don't require that other tax-payers pay for me to keep one house I no longer live in.

It won't be any different when I have to make that final move from my house to a care home.

BigWoollyJumpers · 11/02/2021 15:45

I’d rather pay for home care or be smothered than ever go in to a home

It's never that simple though. You say that now... but DM had a live in carer, because she was afraid of dying alone. Cost pretty much the same as a care home, and she still needed lots of emotional support from the family. Carers can also be good and bad. We had all types. DM then got stressed about all the things that come with owning a house, things go wrong, break down, she was in a constant state. Her husband was in a home with dementia, so in the end she decided to join him.

So she never intended to go in to a home, she didn't NEED to go in a home, her health was good, but in the end it was just inevitable as she couldn't cope emotionally.

Also, pp who said you can refuse treatment for a broken hip, actually not really. You can refuse "live saving" or "life extending" but that doesn't usually cover falls, breaks, infections, as they are treatable under pain and suffering criteria. DM and her husband refused life saving treatment for Covid, but they still got palliative care.

VinylDetective · 11/02/2021 15:52

There are obviously good and bad care homes but the good ones really are excellent. The care my mum got couldn’t be faulted - and I’m not easily pleased.

The staff were incredibly kind to her. The gentleness when they moved or lifted her brought a lump to my throat. I sat with her for her last eight days and what I saw really touched me. One care worker went into work 30 minutes early in her last days to sit with her. The staff looked after me too. Several of them came to her funeral. I was incredibly grateful.

yoyo1234 · 11/02/2021 15:53

I think we do need to pay for it if we can ( though this maybe in the form of insurance policies etc if these become accepted). Alternative is higher taxation ( unfortunately this may be directed at our children and they will very likely have a lot to deal with- Covid/house price inflation etc). Medical care I feel should be covered (under NHS) but personal care/roof over head etc they would have to pay for.

yoyo1234 · 11/02/2021 15:55

I thought councils /local authorities could look into deprivation of assets.

VinylDetective · 11/02/2021 15:57

@yoyo1234

I thought councils /local authorities could look into deprivation of assets.

They can. And as funding becomes tighter, they’ll get a lot more aggressive about it - and rightly so. Why should taxpayers fund millionaires’ care so they can leave their kids a small fortune?

fallfallfall · 11/02/2021 15:58

Advance directives and medical assistance in dying. Should I not be aware or able to feed myself I wish to call it a day.

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