Siblings having different memories of childhood experiences

[bloodyhairy]

Spoke to my sister on the phone last night. She was understandably upset with our mother, who will drive a considerable distance to see our other sister, but not suggest meeting up with her (for a walk in the park!). Both sisters live only a few streets apart. Not an issue for me really, as I live about an hour away. To be fair, mum and other sister do work together sometimes, hence the drive.
No jealousy there as such. As sisters, we are close. And it's obviously not our sister's fault that mum chooses to prioritise in this way.
Anyway, the conversation last night turned to childhood memories. Our mum was very distant when we were growing up. As in, not present emotionally. She was cold, grumpy, depressed probably. We were given nutritious meals, were well turned out, and the house was immaculate. Our physical needs were met, but she's not particularly maternal and we weren't nurtured. I have to say in mum's defence, that she did get better as we got older (as in teens). Having young children dependent on her is really not her bag. Or anyone really, as she struggles with having to be there for her elderly mother.
For a while, we attended a primary school in a deprived area of Glasgow. It was quite a stressful experience looking back, as it was pretty rough. Think kids threatening to beat you up after school!
My sister, whose long-term memory is admittedly far superior to mine, remembers vividly that we used to walk home some lunchtimes (I am 4 years older than her). According to her, we would knock on the door, and mum would ignore us from the inside. Then we would give up and walk back to school. Dad would be at work.
We would have been roughly 10 and 6. Sister claims she was inside as she heard sounds coming from our flat.
I have absolutely no memory of this lunchtime thing happening. Sister swears blind it's true. Our mum wasn't the best, but she wasn't cruel. And wouldn't my sister have been too young to leave school for lunch anyway?! This would have been early 80s. Sister is a good person, and completely normal. Definitely not the type to fabricate vindictive lies about our mother because she's currently pissed off with her!
I'm not sure what to believe, but will let it go as it's in the past.

Have you and your sibling(s) ever had completely different memories of something that may have happened in childhood?
Random question I know , but the whole thing has got me thinking this morning.

My mum used to ignore our door knocking when we got home from school as well. I had forgotten about it, but my twin vividly remembers this because she found it very upsetting. After she mentioned it I did recall it very vaguely, clearly it didn't upset me as much.

Wasn't there a teacher's strike in the early 1980s where everyone got sent home at lunch? I certainly remember going home from primary and no one being there and the having to walk around trying to locate my mother so I could eat something before going back. She was playing tennis in the park and there was a whole bunch of us that ended up there - I don't think any of the parents in the club expected us to not be in school.

That said - my brother and I have very different recollections of childhood and very different relationships with our parents.

Was she expecting you both home for lunch? Was that your normal routine at lunch time?

If not and you both just decided to go home unexpectedly maybe Your Mother is one of the rare breed won't open the door without 3 days notice of someones arrival type of person.

My mum used to beat me and one of my sisters. I remember the times my mum beat me, and my sister remembers the times that she beat her. My sister specifically mentioned one time where my mum smashed my sister's head against the wall multiple times and said that we were there. I have absolutely no recollection of this, but I believe her and think that I must have blocked it out due to the trauma. I'm very protective of my sisters (I'm the eldest), so I can see how I might block this memory out.

Yes I remember having everything provided, but I also remember the screaming arguments, my dad in my face, my mum emotionally distant. I remember mum leaving as a teenager and dad severely restricting food in my teenage years, yet my DSis remembers the arguments but according to her not the rest. She gets anxious when it's brought up though and panicky and changes the subject, so guessing she just doesn't want to face it. Made for very different relationships with our parents though

My siblings are I all remember things slightly differently and there are lots of us so loads of different versions

My DH can barely remember his childhood at all. He remembers it being happy but that's about it. His parents are constantly (and I mean constantly) talking about things he did as a child and he looks completely blank.

I used to walk to and from school, and home for lunch on my own from age 5.

I also once went home at break time by mistake as I thought it lunch time.

In the 80s schools had no security whatsoever and the doors and gates were open at all times.

It feels very weird to say "I don't know how old my mum is".

@thecatsthecats Do you know enough about where she was born to enable you to arrange for a copy of the birth certificate ?

https://www.gov.uk/order-copy-birth-death-marriage-certificate

Absolutely. But usually around who is to ‘blame’ for things. Can get rather heated so I tend to zone out when they start talking about it tbh.

I’m absolutely sure my siblings have different memories from me and also had very different experiences of childhood in some respects. Some will be correct memories, some partially correct and some not true at all.

Even if you met a friend for a walk a month ago and were both asked to recount the day you’d both come up with different versions. Collecting evidence from witnesses must be such an interesting job.

@thecatsthecats

My sister and I can't agree on our mum's age. She lies about her age, and we both have very conflicting ideas of her age.

She's older than our dad and very ashamed of age. It feels very weird to say "I don't know how old my mum is".

FWIW, I think my evidence is stronger - my dad mentioned something about her bus pass a few years ago and she hushed him up, which ties in with my estimate of her being 70 then. (Ironically she used to lie to make us younger to get cheaper bus travel, but now she won't use the pass she's entitled to.) I think she's had the vaccine but won't admit it because they aren't doing under seventies in her area yet. She gave her age as the same as my dad in local news articles, which is BS, as she'd have been 18 when she had my brother then, and that doesn't tie up with anything else to do with her previous marriage.

But my sister has equal certainties that she remembers confirmation of her age at other points that would suggest she was younger sooner - but then I think those are lies too.

Easiest way to settle that is to look it up on the birth index.

@PeterPandemic

Wasn't there a teacher's strike in the early 1980s where everyone got sent home at lunch? I certainly remember going home from primary and no one being there and the having to walk around trying to locate my mother so I could eat something before going back. She was playing tennis in the park and there was a whole bunch of us that ended up there - I don't think any of the parents in the club expected us to not be in school.

That said - my brother and I have very different recollections of childhood and very different relationships with our parents.

Yes, we used to have our sandwiches in the park next to school supervised by whoever's mum was free.

My mum made me have school dinners for the rest of primary incase it ever happened again.

I used to walk home from school at lunchtime as soon as I started school at age 5. in the mid 70s.

@FinallyHere

It feels very weird to say "I don't know how old my mum is".

@thecatsthecats Do you know enough about where she was born to enable you to arrange for a copy of the birth certificate ?

[[https://www.gov.uk/order-copy-birth-death-marriage-certificate]]

You can look up on www.freebmd.org.uk/ without having to order the certificate.

There were 4 of us in my house as a child. We all remember very different versions of things. Sometimes it tallies though and some things there are photos to jog our memory or more 'witnesses' that hep get a sense of what happened. My DH remembers vividly family events that happened before he was born. They were talked about so much and he saw the photos so often.

Yes, it does happen to have completely different accounts of childhood. To hear my DH's sister's side, it was borderline abuse but DH remembers it completely differently. Neither can agree if he's blocking it out and only remembering the good bits or vice versa... I suspect a bit of both.

@thecatsthecats

My sister and I can't agree on our mum's age. She lies about her age, and we both have very conflicting ideas of her age.

She's older than our dad and very ashamed of age. It feels very weird to say "I don't know how old my mum is".

FWIW, I think my evidence is stronger - my dad mentioned something about her bus pass a few years ago and she hushed him up, which ties in with my estimate of her being 70 then. (Ironically she used to lie to make us younger to get cheaper bus travel, but now she won't use the pass she's entitled to.) I think she's had the vaccine but won't admit it because they aren't doing under seventies in her area yet. She gave her age as the same as my dad in local news articles, which is BS, as she'd have been 18 when she had my brother then, and that doesn't tie up with anything else to do with her previous marriage.

But my sister has equal certainties that she remembers confirmation of her age at other points that would suggest she was younger sooner - but then I think those are lies too.

If your mum was born in the UK you can easily look that up online.

Leaving school at lunchtime; admittedly, I'm an earlier vintage, but I used to pop out every day, knowing DP's were both out at work, having had my school dinner, because the school loos were so awful, with no lock, that I preferred to use the facilities at home! The school gates were open, and there was absolutely nothing to stop me. Granted, children going home for lunch was more common in those days, so an adult on duty probably wouldn't have seen anything amiss.
My best friend was in another class, used to accompany me as a nice chance to have a catch-up and a cup of tea....consequently, as a teacher drilled in H&S, I cringe at the thought of two 10-year olds merrily boiling a kettle and having a brew.....
I only came unstuck when "late for afternoon registration" showed up on my report after I mistimed getting back for the beginning of afternoon school.
But then, I'm of a generation which played on bomb sites as a kind of rather extreme adventure playground.

I the early 80s it was quite normal for children to walk to/from school and home from school for lunch unattended - from age 5. a 6 year old and a 10 year old would absolutely be allowed to do this.

I have very clear memories of my childhood from age of 4 onwards - my sister one ear older remembers little until her late teens. We had a very stressful childhood and she has blocked out a lot.

The thing is this incident might have just been a couple of times but it could have a huge impact on a child. there is any number of reasons why she didn't answer the door - if she was listening to the radio/ vacuuming you would hear her but she wouldn't hear you.

It depends on how you were treated, my sisters have happy childhood memories, I remember being dragged out of bed to be beaten by my dad whilst my mum looked on and did nothing, "wait until your dad gets home" was a very real threat to me.
I was an easy target, I couldn't understand it, I didn't even have to do anything wrong as my sisters learnt at an early age that I could be blamed, no discussion, no questions, all anyone had to say was it was Dizzy and I'd get beaten.
I lived in a permanent state of anxiety, I hated myself, I still do, I actually still say it out loud like it's a habit "I hate myself" it's like a mantra.
50 years later I can't bear to be hugged, my sister make jokes that I don't like to be touched but they don't understand that as a child the only time anyone touched me was to hurt me.

Mine and my brothers childhood memories are very different.. to hear him talk you'd think we were extremely deprived. It was in fact very different. My parents compensated their shitty marriage by spoiling us with material things. We had the latest and best of everything.. we were far from deprived.
No idea why he remembers it that way, I assume because it's so far from what we're used to today. He provides his kids with everything and of course it's better than what we had, but at the time what we had was the best.

YANBU!
I'm the eldest of 4
The three of them don't remember or know about half of the neglectful/abusive shit show that was our childhood.
They are a fair bit younger than me but they are all close in age. I pretty much parented and protected them through a lot of it and while I'm glad they don't recall much from when they were small it's often difficult for me when we reminisce because I do.
I find it difficult to recall the 'good' times that they can remember sometimes too. Probably because I was subjected to much of the bad stuff I suppose.

People can have different memories but in your case, 10 and 6 is a big age gap, and younger children remember a lot less than older children.

In the 80s, children could walk back from primary school at lunchtime at 6, and it didnt have to be arranged in advance or anything. Perhaps your mum was like a lot of people on mumsnet who don't answer the door unless they are expecting it?

@FightingTheFoo Wow - thanks for linking that article. I had no idea of the history of the False Memory stuff. Have doubted memories for years because of it.

@thecatsthecats

My sister and I can't agree on our mum's age. She lies about her age, and we both have very conflicting ideas of her age.

She's older than our dad and very ashamed of age. It feels very weird to say "I don't know how old my mum is".

FWIW, I think my evidence is stronger - my dad mentioned something about her bus pass a few years ago and she hushed him up, which ties in with my estimate of her being 70 then. (Ironically she used to lie to make us younger to get cheaper bus travel, but now she won't use the pass she's entitled to.) I think she's had the vaccine but won't admit it because they aren't doing under seventies in her area yet. She gave her age as the same as my dad in local news articles, which is BS, as she'd have been 18 when she had my brother then, and that doesn't tie up with anything else to do with her previous marriage.

But my sister has equal certainties that she remembers confirmation of her age at other points that would suggest she was younger sooner - but then I think those are lies too.

I had a friend who was in her fifties, but would claim to be 35. Her 23 year old son would call her out on it...