To be sick and tired of DP letting me down constantly

[user47000000000]

Can’t decide if I have a point or if I’m just done in from COVID, homeschool, and a relentless WFH job and taking it out on DP...

We both work from home... but I feel I do WAY WAY WAY more than him to keep our life going and I’m feeling sick and tired of it.

Whenever I do ask him to do anything (eg. Take the meter reading, or book the car for an MOT) it either doesn’t get done, or I have to “remind” him several times and I’m fucking sick of it.

We’ve 4 kids and used to have a cleaner pre lockdown but for the last yr I’ve done it...

I try and explain it makes me feel disrespected and like he doesn’t care but he just tells me that’s the case, then he’ll “try”’for a few days and then it’s back to normal.

If I get up in the morning with the kids I’ll unload dishwasher, do laundry etc, If he gets up with them he’ll sit on his phone... I’m just so fed up of being treated like a skivvy. Then if I try and explain it he’ll go all quiet and tell me he’s “upset” and how awful it is to feel like I think he’s so awful.

I called him useless last night and I feel bad but I am just so sick of it. It’s like having an extra child.

AIBU TO EVER THINK HE’LL DO HIS FAIR SHARE???!!!

YANBU

Could you go on strike for some of the stuff? So he sees it for himself.

Write it all down. Everything gets shared out equally so you're doing equal amounts and getting equal down time.

If he complains he's doing too much then remind him that you're doing the same amount and to imagine what it was like for you doing yours and his share.

Yes, but it’s hard to find things which only affect him. I stopped doing his laundry for a while last yr but I can’t think of anything else I can stop which would only bother him.... ideas??!!

Why would he do his fair share if you’re going to subsidise him with minimal grumbling.

Stop doing it then? You can martyr yourself then complain about it

What do you mean by only affect him?
Just live how he wants to live for a bit, see how it is from the others side.
Because clearly he wants to live a certain way and your curtailing him

It doesn't matter if it only affects him, he needs to understand how much you do, so you need to stop doing it in general, bar making sure the kids are fed and sorted. Don't unload the dishwasher, don't hoover, don't tidy up etc

godimabitch we did that - he had set stuff eg. Laundry but it just didn’t get done and then the kids wouldn’t have the right kit on the right days (when they were at school)... so I just started doing it again. I stopped short of putting it all away but not it just sits in piles until he gets fed up of me asking.

The thing that also annoys me (and this is where I might sound like a right pain) is everything takes him FUCKING ages, he moves so slowly it takes him like 20mins to put a load of laundry away. Not necessarily an issue but he’ll do it when I’m doing tea or something and then give himself his evening to enjoy watching tv whereas I feel I get way less downtime

@user47000000000

Yes, but it’s hard to find things which only affect him. I stopped doing his laundry for a while last yr but I can’t think of anything else I can stop which would only bother him.... ideas??!!

I think maybe you need to play the long game and accept short term inconvenience yourself. I would stop as much as you possibly can. Shock and awe. No point doing half measures. Yes there may be short term repercussions but in the long term they will make the point. Stop changing toilet rolls, stop doing life admin etc. If you feel yourself wanting to do something just think "what is the worst thing that will happen if I don't do this"? Most of the time it won't be that bad. It really has to be big enough for him to notice and pick up the slack.

Do you always cook tea? Stop doing that? Just have snacks for a few days. None for him.

Yanbu
You shouldn't have to, but I'd write a list every day of the things that are his responsibility to do and if they're not done then he loses something - time with you (he's losing your respect) or you don't do something he asks or a job that affects him, don't wash his underwear or something. It's a natural consequence, children learn that way, maybe he will too?

hahaha88 he could live in an absolute shithole and not care. I can’t live like that.

Tonight he’s been on the phone sorting out his Sky TV account for ages so he can watch his sports but he never has time for anything I want / need him to do for us

He is being useless, you finally said so after trying the kind reasonable asking him approach failed. Don’t feel bad. He should feel bad. He doesn’t, the “feeling upset” bollocks is very manipulative so don’t fall for it.

He manages to hold down a job? Do what his boss needs him to without a million prompts? Does he have friends? Then he has no fucking excuse for being so intentionally pathetically lazy and disengaged in family life. He’s doing it because he thinks it’s your job to hold everything together and make his life easy and comfortable while he’s too good and important for all that. It’s very unattractive.

Do you have a family roster?
For day-to-day stuff start leaving PA notes. On the mirror, dear Child 1, please remember to pick up your towel. On the dishwasher, dear Child 2, its your turn to empty me this morning. Please make me, on their bed etc.

Or simply ask him to leave
I mean how the fuck do men end up like this.

I’d write a list of all the jobs, divide them and then don’t do his. Give him the ones you can best cope with not being done quickly.

So don’t do anything for him. Just stop. Don’t be a martyr.

bunch I tried that, he’d do some of them, leave the rest, say he’s tired then watch tv all night. I’m tired too

He’s doesn’t want to live in a shithole
Why so “some” women always say this.
I live on my own, I can live with a measure of untidiness. I have lived with someone who couldn’t

we compromised

That sounds horrendous. I couldn't live like that. I am not particularly tidy but the imbalance would drive me insane, particularly the mental load and life admin. It sounds like you either put up with it or break up with him if he won't change (which he doesn't seem to want to)

anne I said just that to him, he used to have a £120k job but was managed out.... so it’s quite sensitive. He says he forget stuff. We had counselling about this and spent hundreds on someone telling him to make a list on his phone. He’s always on his fucking phone so I don’t really get why he can’t do that.

It all just sounds like excuses to me. If I make lists he makes me feel bossy, if I ask him what’s reasonable he says 50/50... he just doesn’t deliver it

He does it on purpose because he’s lazy and knows you will do it

The mental load is horrible, although easier during COVID as there is nowhere to take any of the kids!!!

So he won't change, will he?