To be sick and tired of DP letting me down constantly

[user47000000000]

Can’t decide if I have a point or if I’m just done in from COVID, homeschool, and a relentless WFH job and taking it out on DP...

We both work from home... but I feel I do WAY WAY WAY more than him to keep our life going and I’m feeling sick and tired of it.

Whenever I do ask him to do anything (eg. Take the meter reading, or book the car for an MOT) it either doesn’t get done, or I have to “remind” him several times and I’m fucking sick of it.

We’ve 4 kids and used to have a cleaner pre lockdown but for the last yr I’ve done it...

I try and explain it makes me feel disrespected and like he doesn’t care but he just tells me that’s the case, then he’ll “try”’for a few days and then it’s back to normal.

If I get up in the morning with the kids I’ll unload dishwasher, do laundry etc, If he gets up with them he’ll sit on his phone... I’m just so fed up of being treated like a skivvy. Then if I try and explain it he’ll go all quiet and tell me he’s “upset” and how awful it is to feel like I think he’s so awful.

I called him useless last night and I feel bad but I am just so sick of it. It’s like having an extra child.

AIBU TO EVER THINK HE’LL DO HIS FAIR SHARE???!!!

OP when you said that he asks you to remind him that sent a shiver down my spine. My ex was always asking me to remind him to do stuff. I realised it was his way of shifting the mental load back on to me. He wasn't going to worry about this stuff!
A while ago at work one of my male colleagues whom I had asked to do something asked me to remind him. It made me furious. I replied he should set himself a reminder in Outlook, just as I had to do.

@user47000000000

Can’t decide if I have a point or if I’m just done in from COVID, homeschool, and a relentless WFH job and taking it out on DP...

We both work from home... but I feel I do WAY WAY WAY more than him to keep our life going and I’m feeling sick and tired of it.

Whenever I do ask him to do anything (eg. Take the meter reading, or book the car for an MOT) it either doesn’t get done, or I have to “remind” him several times and I’m fucking sick of it.

We’ve 4 kids and used to have a cleaner pre lockdown but for the last yr I’ve done it...

I try and explain it makes me feel disrespected and like he doesn’t care but he just tells me that’s the case, then he’ll “try”’for a few days and then it’s back to normal.

If I get up in the morning with the kids I’ll unload dishwasher, do laundry etc, If he gets up with them he’ll sit on his phone... I’m just so fed up of being treated like a skivvy. Then if I try and explain it he’ll go all quiet and tell me he’s “upset” and how awful it is to feel like I think he’s so awful.

I called him useless last night and I feel bad but I am just so sick of it. It’s like having an extra child.

AIBU TO EVER THINK HE’LL DO HIS FAIR SHARE???!!!

If this is your question AIBU TO EVER THINK HE’LL DO HIS FAIR SHARE???!!!

Yes, you are unreasonable.

Because he won't.

Learned helplessness and some manipulation thrown in.

Then if I try and explain it he’ll go all quiet and tell me he’s “upset” and how awful it is to feel like I think he’s so awful.
Pure manipulation to get you to back off. Tell him tough, it's the truth.

Not necessarily an issue but he’ll do it when I’m doing tea or something and then give himself his evening to enjoy watching tv
That's deliberate, so that he can claim he's done his share (ha ha) and then be selfish for the rest of the evening.

I often say to him that I feel like his free time is more valuable than mine, now he just eye rolls when I say that and says “that’s not true”
Action speak louder than words. Start making notes of who does what when. And as for the eye rolling, that needs to stop.

Tonight he’s been on the phone sorting out his Sky TV account for ages so he can watch his sports but he never has time for anything I want / need him to do for us
Because he's the only thing that matters to him. You are only there to service his lifestyle. He doesn't see any reason to contribute anything positive to yours.

I just sent him that article and he’s read it and said it has really helped seeing it explained like that.
Don't get your hopes up. Either he's just making the right noises to get you to shut up, or it really has registered - for a couple of days. Then he'll go back to his own ways.

OP I really hope putting some of the things you've said about him in one place has helped you to see the bigger picture. Time to stop being nice and inwardly seething. He is being completely disrespectful (the eye rolling has really got to me!) and you are worth more than that. Time to get proactive. Of course he'll tell you that he does respect you, but I refer the Honourable Lady to the answer I gave some moments ago - actions speak louder than words.

I heard him washing up last night and taking the recycling out. I don’t think it’s that he wants to be totally useless and thinks it’s my fault, he just isn’t wired that way.

If he did those things without being asked then he can obviously see what needs to be done but with a live in maid and PA he clearly doesn't usually bother. He isn't totally useless, he's lazy and you're still making excuses for him, 'he just isn't wired that way', is nonsense. I would stop assuming it's up to you to make a list or remind him. He hasn't changed as need because he doesn't need to. I'd tell him it's obvious he's capable but lazy, he's got a month to start functioning like a responsible adult or he can leave.

Sounds familiar !
While he goes walk I doing stuff cooking, laundry, tidy up... I go for a walk ( don't manage ever day) place a mess when I back dishes, toys everywhere - if I ask what you doing when I'm gone would say looking after children.
Think best to assign a task or two to him that you never going to do which can wait a day or two bathrooms cleaning, garden, mopping floors.
Anyhow I think due to covid restrictions everyone and everything more annoying.

Day 2 going well.... only day two but still...

@user47000000000

Yes, but it’s hard to find things which only affect him. I stopped doing his laundry for a while last yr but I can’t think of anything else I can stop which would only bother him.... ideas??!!

Cooking? He'll soon notice if his meals don't appear.

Well done OP. In 3 months he should have formed a habit. So monitor closely until then, and after that review every 3 months to make sure things are still fair.

How's it going this weekend OP?