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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick and tired of DP letting me down constantly

84 replies

user47000000000 · 09/02/2021 20:26

Can’t decide if I have a point or if I’m just done in from COVID, homeschool, and a relentless WFH job and taking it out on DP...

We both work from home... but I feel I do WAY WAY WAY more than him to keep our life going and I’m feeling sick and tired of it.

Whenever I do ask him to do anything (eg. Take the meter reading, or book the car for an MOT) it either doesn’t get done, or I have to “remind” him several times and I’m fucking sick of it.

We’ve 4 kids and used to have a cleaner pre lockdown but for the last yr I’ve done it...

I try and explain it makes me feel disrespected and like he doesn’t care but he just tells me that’s the case, then he’ll “try”’for a few days and then it’s back to normal.

If I get up in the morning with the kids I’ll unload dishwasher, do laundry etc, If he gets up with them he’ll sit on his phone... I’m just so fed up of being treated like a skivvy. Then if I try and explain it he’ll go all quiet and tell me he’s “upset” and how awful it is to feel like I think he’s so awful.

I called him useless last night and I feel bad but I am just so sick of it. It’s like having an extra child.

AIBU TO EVER THINK HE’LL DO HIS FAIR SHARE???!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
user47000000000 · 09/02/2021 20:46

This is what I’m afraid of but 12 yrs and 4 kids and aside from this it’s good.

For me it’s a massive deal of respect and feeling like an equal. I often say to him that I feel like his free time is more valuable than mine, now he just eye rolls when I say that and says “that’s not true”

OP posts:
tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict · 09/02/2021 20:48

Listen, I am single and shit at relationships so take what I say with a pinch of salt but for me there is no "apart from this".
Eric Fromm said that love has 4 components: care, knowledge, respect and responsibility.
.There are at least a couple of those missing here.

Marinaloves · 09/02/2021 20:49

In his eyes you’re a child incubator and a housewife
Who I guess he can have sex with

Just stop everything and if he still can’t see you for anything other than an employee- get the fuck out

tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict · 09/02/2021 20:50

@Marinaloves

In his eyes you’re a child incubator and a housewife Who I guess he can have sex with

Just stop everything and if he still can’t see you for anything other than an employee- get the fuck out

This. Really, stop.
AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2021 20:50

But it is true isn’t it. He thinks it’s your job to do the stuff he can’t be bothered with so he can prioritise his own enjoyment. That’s not love, respect or consideration for his partner of 12 years.

Are you worried about the example you’re both setting to your children? That it’s Mum’s job to be busy sorting while Dad tits around on his phone not bothering to get PE kit clean for them? If you have boys do you want them to be like this? If you have girls fo you want them putting up with it?

HeidiHaughton · 09/02/2021 20:50

"Aside from" seems to include 99% of what keeps the household show on the road and involves him making sure he can watch his sports. What exactly are his good points in the household apart from this? A flatmate who "didn't see mess" would be told to shape up by the others.

Toomanyradishes · 09/02/2021 20:50

My dh does all the cooking, foor shoping, menu planning and the washing up because he wont go hungry or without dishes for as only as, for exaple, he would leave a floor unhoovered or a bed unchanged
He doesnt clean the kitchen as well as i woud like and he is slower at doing the jobs than me but its quite a big load off me and its an easy one to get him to do, although the fact that he can cook well helps with this

Original poster
user47000000000 · 09/02/2021 20:51

I get the idea behind “stop everything” but I can’t live in a dump without my kids being teeth brushed, dressed etc

I might try the list idea

OP posts:
HeidiHaughton · 09/02/2021 20:52

What makes you think he'll take the list seriously? What will happen if he doesn't?

Gliblet · 09/02/2021 20:52

@user47000000000

This is what I’m afraid of but 12 yrs and 4 kids and aside from this it’s good.

For me it’s a massive deal of respect and feeling like an equal. I often say to him that I feel like his free time is more valuable than mine, now he just eye rolls when I say that and says “that’s not true”

So what happens next? Do you follow on and ask what he's doing to make sure you have enough leisure time?

If he doesn't want to do housework when he's tired, why does he think you do?
If he thinks its hard work to remember it all, why is it less hard work for you?
If he finds doing the laundry boring or tedious, why does he think you'd find it interesting or fun?

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2021 20:55

@user47000000000

I get the idea behind “stop everything” but I can’t live in a dump without my kids being teeth brushed, dressed etc

I might try the list idea

Can you really stay with someone who wouldn’t care if his children had clean teeth and appropriate clothing? Why doesn’t he care enough about them to do basic care and parenting? This is way beyond not sorting the MOT, though that’s also shit, but you’re talking about the absolute basics.

If you broke both arms and were out of action for a month, had to spend a couple of weeks in hospital or died would he feed and care for them, keeping them clean and alive?

What was he like when you had the three younger ones and were recovering from birth and caring for a newborn?

tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict · 09/02/2021 20:56

Haven't you done a list before? I don't mean stop looking after the children but stop eg changing the toilet rolls, doing shopping and cooking for him, washing up any of his stuff, sorting out any life admin (even if it means some short term inconvenience)

user1493413286 · 09/02/2021 20:56

I often think of this article when my DH is like this; www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp
It might not matter to him but it should matter because it matters to you

Youseethethingis · 09/02/2021 20:58

My DH gets like this sometimes. No idea what happens but he seems to find it acceptable to down tools once in while. I don’t get to do that, obviously. My usual tactic is to hold a mirror up to his patheticness and make him look himself in the eye.
DH - “why is xyz not clean/done/fed/whatever?”
Yousee - “because you didn’t do it”
DH in response to being asked to do something - “I’ll try”
Yousee the next day asking DH to do something (probably the same fucking thing) in best patronising tone - “If you really really try super hard could you please do xyz”
DH - “but I’m busy”
Yousee - “I work longer hours than you and I seem to be able to manage... why would that be?”
DH - “ahhh the house is a mess, it’s stressing me out!”
Yousee - “oh really? Whose crisp packet is that? Whose plates are those? Whose shoes are those in the middle of the floor for everyone to trip over? Who couldn’t be bothered to put proper bib on DS so now half is lunch is on the floor? Who couldn’t be bothered to sweep it up so now it’s trailed through the living room? I wonder what that person could have done differently so that you wouldn’t get pissed off?”
So annoying! Why can’t he just be his 90% self 100% of the time??

Hahaha88 · 09/02/2021 20:58

No one's saying live in a dump forever, but a few weeks of it might be enough for him to realise how much you do compared to him. Are you proving chores for the Luss regularly too or letting them get away scot free? And by all means make sure your kids are clean and looked after! But seriously if he won't even clean his kids teeth what on earth is going on? That's just nasty

Godimabitch · 09/02/2021 21:03

@user47000000000

godimabitch we did that - he had set stuff eg. Laundry but it just didn’t get done and then the kids wouldn’t have the right kit on the right days (when they were at school)... so I just started doing it again. I stopped short of putting it all away but not it just sits in piles until he gets fed up of me asking.

The thing that also annoys me (and this is where I might sound like a right pain) is everything takes him FUCKING ages, he moves so slowly it takes him like 20mins to put a load of laundry away. Not necessarily an issue but he’ll do it when I’m doing tea or something and then give himself his evening to enjoy watching tv whereas I feel I get way less downtime

Try it again. They're not at school now. And stop fixing it for him. If it was his job to wash the pots then yours to cook dinner. Get mad and say "Look, you didn't do your fair share so now we cant have dinner. Get the pots washed." If he absolutely refuses. You and the kids go to McDonalds. None for him.

He can sulk that you're being mean all he wants, he's a grown man and a father, he has responsibilities. If it's his turn to do washing and he doesn't, until it's your turn, do one load of ONLY yours and your kids stuff, do not do more than one load, do not do a single sock of his. If it doesn't sort itself out, ask him in what way you're benefiting from being in a relationship with him. Ask him to list everything he does for you and you list everything you do for him. Is this fair? Is it going to change? Tell him you'll do one last thing for.him by packing his bags if it's not going to change.

Marinaloves · 09/02/2021 21:04

Just don’t do anything for fucks sake then and admit you came on here for a bit of a moan and you’re happy as things are.

addicted2spaniels · 09/02/2021 21:05

You make a mental list of what you need to do to stay sane.

Then you literally ignore everything else around it.

It may test you to your absolute limits, but you have to stop enabling this behaviour. Either that, or it destroys your relationship and family.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/02/2021 21:09

YANBU. I've been married nearly 25 years to a man who has always done his fair share without me having to ask because he's an actual adult. You are married to a manchild. I can't see your marriage making it to 25 years, honestly, unless you accept to be miserable and resentful. There's no way I could live with the likes of him.

Marinaloves · 09/02/2021 21:11

Added problem with men like these is as soon as they get pulled up on not being a functioning sharing adult, they just fuck off and find someone else who’ll pick up the slack.
And it’ll be because you nagged so much and he was desperately unhappy.

pumpkinbump · 09/02/2021 21:11

Stop doing his washing and cooking. What a victim he's playing!

ConfessionsOfAChocoholic · 09/02/2021 21:11

The suggestion to write him a list is well meant, but it doesn't deal with the problem if he still chooses to ignore it. It also puts more pressure on the OP. I know that it would piss me off if I was wfh and had to write a chore list for my partner before I even started my day job.

Clearly there is a big issue here OP. Certain things I think are just differences in people. You say that when you get up in the morning with the kids that you empty the dishwasher/do laundry whereas your dp would sit on his phone - that's your choice to utilise your time like that. Me and dw would both probably sit on our phones too after getting the kids breakfast. However, I realise that there is a bigger issue because he does nothing so if you don't do it in the morning then you'll have to do it later.

It's very difficult when one person does more than the other. Occasionally I get frustrated that I have to organise the weekly shop, if I didn't do it then we would have no food. If I didn't put the bins out then they wouldn't get emptied. Overall I am used to doing it so it isn't a major inconvenience, but occasionally I do say to dw that it's lucky I arrange it because it isn't on her radar at all.

Honestly, I'm not sure there is a solution. If you've spoken about it and he refuses to change then there aren't many other options.

ShiningGonnaShine · 09/02/2021 21:13

Oh man... There are a frightening number of threads just like this at the moment. They all totally boil my blood.

I really feel for you @user47000000000, it's horrible to feel so disrespected and taken advantage of. He knows you're going to do all the shit stuff that family life requires, and he's happy to let you do it, even though he knows you don't like doing it either, because he doesn't want to do it, because it's boring and shit and he'd rather be doing something else. It's the absolute height of selfishness and lack of respect. Fucking patriarchy AngryAngryAngry.

Also, I really don't think it's up to you to sort this mess out... It's not your fault. It's not about you being a martyr (that's victim blaming). I don't think you should have to live in a shit tip and allow your kids to have substandard care just to try to make a point that he probably won't get anyway. I appreciate it might be your only route out of this but I don't think it's fair that, as usual, it's a woman's job to sort out the problems of a man.

namechange5575 · 09/02/2021 21:20

Obviously wider issues, but could you try: no one gets to rest while the other is working. So if you are doing laundry, he is tidying up. Not on his phone, not sitting down. Then another task (which yes unfortunately you are assigning to him and monitoring him doing). And you both keep going until it is all done, then you both have finished your work for the evening. No, sorting out Sky phone contracts doesn't count as it doesn't benefit the family (whereas e.g. you buying kids clothes online does). Then it shouldn't matter that he's very slow, as it's the unfair free time that is bothering you. What would he say to that?

MsMarch · 09/02/2021 21:21

Here's the thing:

He doesn't have to do anything if he doesn't feel it's important.

But you don't have to remain married to someone who doesn't value the same things you do.

You'll get a million people telling you how to "fix him" or make it easier for him or easier for you but at the end of the day, this is actually a really core issue. Of course, because so often women are on one side and men on the other, it's often dismissed. But from my perspective, it's as relevant as whether you have similar views on sex, fidelity, education, family engagement etc.