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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick and tired of DP letting me down constantly

84 replies

user47000000000 · 09/02/2021 20:26

Can’t decide if I have a point or if I’m just done in from COVID, homeschool, and a relentless WFH job and taking it out on DP...

We both work from home... but I feel I do WAY WAY WAY more than him to keep our life going and I’m feeling sick and tired of it.

Whenever I do ask him to do anything (eg. Take the meter reading, or book the car for an MOT) it either doesn’t get done, or I have to “remind” him several times and I’m fucking sick of it.

We’ve 4 kids and used to have a cleaner pre lockdown but for the last yr I’ve done it...

I try and explain it makes me feel disrespected and like he doesn’t care but he just tells me that’s the case, then he’ll “try”’for a few days and then it’s back to normal.

If I get up in the morning with the kids I’ll unload dishwasher, do laundry etc, If he gets up with them he’ll sit on his phone... I’m just so fed up of being treated like a skivvy. Then if I try and explain it he’ll go all quiet and tell me he’s “upset” and how awful it is to feel like I think he’s so awful.

I called him useless last night and I feel bad but I am just so sick of it. It’s like having an extra child.

AIBU TO EVER THINK HE’LL DO HIS FAIR SHARE???!!!

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 09/02/2021 21:23

He doesn't do any of it.. or care to do any of it... because he knows you will not live like that and you will ultimately do it... which is exactly what you do... so why would bother trying... he says all the right things... and simply promises to try harder.. and then does nothing.... he know the script... he has it very easy... Flowers

Crapbuttrue · 09/02/2021 21:38

I was once given a questionnaire by a mate that had various categories; housework, children, holidays, pets, car, diy, extended family etc. And two columns one for you one for your partner. There were a whole load of activities you went and ticked off if they were what ended up being your responsibility. Just seeing the comparison in black and white was quite eye opening.

Just tried to find it but no success.

Original poster
user47000000000 · 09/02/2021 21:39

Thank you for all the advice.
I haven’t washed up any of the pots tonight
I’ve left the recycling by the back door (I was going to take it out but decided it was cold and I didn’t want to). Tomorrow morning if the snow has gone I’ll go for an early run and he can get up with the kids.

I’m going to stop doing his laundry. And there are some other good ideas on here too which I will try. Thank you.

OP posts:
CheeryTreeBlossom · 09/02/2021 21:39

As a PP mentioned you should to think about what this set up also shows to your kids.

My DH is a 'good one' aka he does a fair share of the household chores and I don't need to ask. He will see a full laundry basket and put on a load or will make sure the kitchen is cleared after a meal.

It's nothing I did and I just assumed he was naturally tidy, but having stayed with PIL I realise why. When MIL cooks a meal, FIL will clear away and clean. They've divided up most things and for example it's usually FIL I see doing the laundry or hoovering. He grew up understanding there's no magical fairy (mother/wife) cleaning up for you and everyone has to chip in.

Do you want your kids emulating this set up in their future relationships? If you have sons they will probably end up with warped expectations of what 'dads' should do at home.

Original poster
user47000000000 · 09/02/2021 21:40

crapbuttrue I did one of these for us once. It was ridiculously eye opening

OP posts:
Original poster
user47000000000 · 09/02/2021 21:41

I have 2 of each. And yes I make the DSs (oldest is DS) do their fair share. They are more organised than DP.

DPs mums house is messy and his siblings are disorganised and forgetful and the houses are a tip.

OP posts:
Original poster
user47000000000 · 09/02/2021 21:43

DS 11 has his clothes washed and dried for him but they go in a pile in his room and he has to put them away etc. He’s not allowed any screen time in evening till room is tidy and clothes are away. I told DP I was thinking about doing the same with him.... act like a kid n all.... it did not go down well

OP posts:
tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict · 09/02/2021 21:44

@user47000000000

Thank you for all the advice. I haven’t washed up any of the pots tonight I’ve left the recycling by the back door (I was going to take it out but decided it was cold and I didn’t want to). Tomorrow morning if the snow has gone I’ll go for an early run and he can get up with the kids.

I’m going to stop doing his laundry. And there are some other good ideas on here too which I will try. Thank you.

woohoo go you. Don't give up!
notalwaysalondoner · 09/02/2021 21:46

Ughhhh I do know what you mean. My DH is lovely and does try and pull his weight, but he just doesn't SEE what needs to be done. I think it mostly stems from the fact his parents have a completely 1950s division of work and his mum was a SAHM. But whenever I raise it he does the same thing, acts all hurt then points out all the non-domestic stuff he does to help e.g. organising legal things, getting insurance etc. All of which is great and I do appreciate, but I do about 40% of that stuff ON TOP of cooking/laundry/cleaning. He will do cooking/laundry/cleaning but only if I point it out/remind him. Your example of doing the laundry/dishwasher really resonated with me, while my porridge is cooking I'll unload the dishwasher while he would play on his phone and it wouldn't even bloody occur to him to empty the dishwasher. Wish I had some solutions - I'm considering dividing up chores so e.g. he is 100% responsible for dishwasher and laundry and I am 100% responsible for cooking (for example) but I'm reluctant as I just don't think he would get things done when they needed to be.

Original poster
user47000000000 · 09/02/2021 21:55

I just sent him that article and he’s read it and said it has really helped seeing it explained like that.

I know he’s not a complete sexist arse. Let’s see where we go from here. Maybe we need a support thread!

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 09/02/2021 21:56

@user47000000000

Thank you for all the advice. I haven’t washed up any of the pots tonight I’ve left the recycling by the back door (I was going to take it out but decided it was cold and I didn’t want to). Tomorrow morning if the snow has gone I’ll go for an early run and he can get up with the kids.

I’m going to stop doing his laundry. And there are some other good ideas on here too which I will try. Thank you.

Good start 🌺

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 09/02/2021 22:01

Hi OP

I think its shit that when he is rubbish at housework, you tell him he is rubbish at housework, and then he gets upset that you think he is rubbish at housework. Firstly what a way to play the victim and deflect from the actual issue, and secondly its not opinion it's a fact.

You've done lists, you've tried to talk to him, numerous times, you've gone on strike. If you stopped pushing back, he would be quite happy to let you do it all while he relaxes, wouldn't he? Which would fundamentally bother me, that he is supposed to be a partner with you but as long as the balance of free time tips in his favour, he is happy with it being unequal effort and happy to see you run ragged while he chills out on his phone. And to me, that's not love, putting someone else's wellbeing way down the list so yours is prioritised.

The way I see it there are 5 options.

  1. Carry on, keep having to tell him, put up with him taking the piss every time you stop being on top of everything be does.
  2. Get a PA, cleaners and taxis to do his half of all the organising and ferrying around, and take the money from his half of the spending money
  3. Put up with it, accept he is rubbish at it, and let the resentment steadily grow til you hate him
  4. Try marriage counselling to see if someone else can get through to him how disrespectful he is being
  5. Ask him to leave, tell him you've given him enough chances and you can't cope with an extra person to look after and organise, and you know that the only way he will be fully responsible for his share is if you live separately
C152 · 09/02/2021 22:12

Sorry, OP, I voted YABU as no, I don't think he'll ever do his fair share, though YANBU for wanting him to.

0gfhty · 09/02/2021 22:35

@Aquamarine1029

YANBU. I've been married nearly 25 years to a man who has always done his fair share without me having to ask because he's an actual adult. You are married to a manchild. I can't see your marriage making it to 25 years, honestly, unless you accept to be miserable and resentful. There's no way I could live with the likes of him.
That must be great for you! You must be happy you made some great choices. Are you trying to be helpful by pointing out what a great husband you have ? I don't understand this type of post
timeisnotaline · 09/02/2021 22:44

Eat dinner, go turn the tv on. You get to choose the tv for the next 4 hours. He seems to find the time, tell him you just want some of the free time he awards himself daily by assuming you will pick up after him.

For me it’s a massive deal of respect and feeling like an equal. I often say to him that I feel like his free time is more valuable than mine, now he just eye rolls when I say that and says “that’s not true”. How do you not scream IT IS VERY OBVIOUSLY TRUE EVERY SINGLE DAY WHEN YOU GO ON DOWNTIME MAKING SURE YOU GET TO RELAX WHILE THERE IS WORK TO BE DONE! You know it has to be done. You know I’ll do it. You know you wouldn’t get your time to relax if you gave me equal time to relax- a 10 year old can do the maths that you do not care about my time. Only yours.
How?? I really don’t care if he gets upset because he’s being shit. Don’t be shit then and you don’t have to get upset about it. I’d be upset too if I thought I treated my partner like that.

hadtojoin · 10/02/2021 02:23

My DH doesn't automatically help either. I find that asking him to do something , while I do something else helps. Otherwise he thinks why is he doing stuff when (in his eyes) I am doing nothing. So I will call him into the kitchen and say 'Can you get out the knives, forks and plates while I stir the gravy, or can you mash the spuds while I drain the veg etc.' It also (generally) works with me starting up the hoover in the hallway then asking him to pick up stuff on the floor in the lounge so I can do that next.

Iflyaway · 10/02/2021 02:29

I’m just so fed up of being treated like a skivvy.

You really do have a choice though!

Time to find your inner goddess.

user1490814754 · 10/02/2021 03:51

Could he have ADHD? (I'm sure it's just laziness but perhaps?)

Oblomov21 · 10/02/2021 04:36

You know the answer already you just can't face it. He's been like this for 12 years. Counselling didn't change it. He won't change. More fool you for having put up with it for this long.

YukoandHiro · 10/02/2021 04:51

The only thing that worked for us (because our tolerances of mess/dirt are fundamentally different) was having particular tasks. So I do all the laundry as otherwise DC wouldn't have clean clothes in time, but I do not do any dishwasher/washing up stuff even if I cook. Eventually that has to be done, there's no getting around it, so it gets done by him. I won't even wash a teaspoon as otherwise it creeps back in with me doing more.
General cleaning is an issue but we tend to do it together in a blitz once a fortnight and involve the pre schooler too

YukoandHiro · 10/02/2021 04:53

As for the mental load, I don't have advice. Lockdown has reduced the ML for us because all the jobs we really need doing can't be done.

We need to move at some point soon. I'm blaming lockdown for putting it off as I'll have to be the catalyst and do everything

YukoandHiro · 10/02/2021 05:02

I think in describing the household he grew up in and his siblings behaviour you've hit the nail on the head. You guys have totally different expectations of what household management looks like. It's a different value system, like being of a different religion (I promise I'm not being ridiculous). You need to work out where you can compromise, and where you can't, and start from that point. Like another PP said, he won't do what's not important to him. So what can you let go to save your marriage? Can you let any of it go?
It's actually a bigger question than the jobs at hand. I decided that my house with kids was just going to be a lot messier than the one I grew up in. Some days it makes me uncomfortable. When it's not lockdown, we pay for the cleaner to make it closer to what makes me happy without me doing it all and resenting DH

Mincingfuckdragon2 · 10/02/2021 05:41

OP, he is buying his leisure with your labour.

I'd be telling him I'm leaving if he doesn't pull his weight without being asked and stop sulking like a child.

But if you're not prepared to do that then try:

  • leaving the house in the mornings so he has to get the children up and fed;
  • getting a hobby a couple of times a week at dinnertime so that he has to feed the children
  • stop being the default parent ie every time your children ask you a question or make a request refer them to their father (I have found this very very effective if I am consistent);
  • when he mentions something that needs to be done, say 'I agree, I'll leave that with you" every single time. He's more likely to do things he's noticed need doing if you see what I mean.
  • start accommodating your wants a bit more even if they don't gel with his eg buy the type of flowers you like even if he hates flowers, cook food you and the children enjoy even if he doesn't like it.
  • don't do his laundry, or pay his bills, or buy his socks, or clean his study or do any life administration for him at all, even if he asks. And if he asks/complains tell him "I'll leave that with you" in a neutral tone.
Norwayreally · 10/02/2021 06:53

As others have said, it probably won’t change until you stop doing so much for him so I’m pleased you have left those jobs for him to do tomorrow. I stopped picking my DH’s dirty undies and towel up off the bathroom floor to see how long it would take him to start picking them up. He had three day’s worth on the floor in a pile before I just got angry and had to prompt him. Some people are honestly just naturally lazy and disgusting.

Original poster
user47000000000 · 10/02/2021 07:00

Thanks for all the helpful responses.

I’m still in bed with a cuppa while he’s up with the kids, when they came in in the night I sent them round to him. I heard him washing up last night and taking the recycling out. I don’t think it’s that he wants to be totally useless and thinks it’s my fault, he just isn’t wired that way.

When we are in the kitchen he will literally just stand there and watch while I am running all over the place doing stuff, and I’m like “why are you just standing there? Do something! “ and he kinda looks like a rabbit in headlights...

OP posts: