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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He's put his ex's photos back up

108 replies

Meltdown8 · 09/02/2021 18:41

I know it's nothing serious between us yet. But it's serious enough. Ive been dating a man and we've decided to give it a go as boyfriend and girlfriend after lockdown. We were going well before!

But!! We've only ever been to my house or out on dates. He wants me to go to his but it's always been easier at mine so far. I would like to go to his house after all this

he split from his last girlfriend after the best part of ten years. He's given me snippets of the split. It sounds like they drifted apart. Potentially she wanted to do things without him. He claims they sat down and agreed it was over then ,10 months later he got a flat without her.

They obviously went to a wedding once and got photos of them posing and kissing and staring into the distance. I believe this wedding was 2013 based on the date. I was quite surprised the first time he sent me a selfie on his sofa to see her and him snogging in a picture behind him. Shrugged it off. But then I noticed two more in his bedroom on the walls. Eventually I commented that he was snogging another women on the wall. He ignored the comment.

After six more weeks and lots more time invested I commented again. He sent a photo to ask if I liked his new top only for his ex to be hugging him on the wall. He replied sorry I've taken it down now.

He has sent the odd picture since. They were down so I felt happy.

We had a tiny blip two weeks ago. Cross wires and had a tiny argument. Solved the next day. Everything is good between us now. He sent a photo to show me his haircut and the picture frames are in the background. Although the actual pictures not showing the frames were in the photo just.

So what the hell?

What can I possibly say now? I can't control what he has on his walls but what an earth has made him put her back on the wall?

OP posts:
thecatfromjapan · 12/02/2021 10:22

Seriously, I don't know if you've realised but you are creating a story, here, to 'explain' him - and beyond that, your relationship.

I think you've created a narrative of him as a gentle soul, who doesn't know how to 'do' adult relationships, and needs gentle guidance from you.

Now, that may be true - but you can see why a few posters on here might find that a bit worrying.

While it's perhaps great to approach a potential new partner with the generosity with which we engage with children - and to enter into a relationship assuming that our partner isn't perfect, all-knowing, and fully-formed - it really should be reciprocal, ideally. That is, the role of 'child' should be able to be passed back and forth; each partner should be able to take on the role of both adult and child, and display both the adult and child aspects of their nature and have them acknowledged by the other.

You seem to simply be taking on the role of parent.

This rarely ends well.

Not always: there are clearly a few relationships where people are very happy to remain statically in the role of adult or child.

But I doubt this is one of those.

What happens when you need him to be the adult? To be someone you can lean in, help you make a decision, or to help you change and grow?

You'll end up irrationally cross. And it will be irrational because you seem to be very willing at this stage to establish a relationship modelled on an adult-child relationship - with you as the wise adult, he as a child-needing-guidance.

I think that you will ultimately find this frustrating.

All of us need help, guidance, generosity and understanding at times. It's nice that you recognise that need in him and are prepared to do it.

However, you also need to see those things being given by him to you. If you don't - and don't allow him to show you those things at this stage - it risks setting up a relationship pattern that will simply end in frustration and failure.

You're not his therapist, you're not his mother - although at some points, you may temporarily offer support-through-tines-of-change and intimate compassion.

But most adult relationships also require other things.

For example, where in these therapeutic phone-calls are the conversations in which he conveys to you his longing for eroticised intimacy? His curiosity about the mystery you hold for him and his desire to be embedded in your narrative?

It's early days, so that curiosity should probably be taking the form of sex and shared activities - not off-loading on you the story of his last relationship - which is a kind of proxy story for an intimate relationship, and deeply unsatisfying for you as a lover.

BrownFootStool · 12/02/2021 10:39

It doesn't sound like he is over her or the split.

However, that doesn't mean that he is not into you or doesn't want to go ahead with you.

I split from a long term partner and was still upset about it for years, even when I was with my now-husband. I didn't want to get back with him, but I still cared for my ex and was upset about it. I left him due to seeing him as more of a friend, I really buggered up the ending and broke his heart. It breaks my heart that I broke his heart. Sometimes I still dream about him.

But I never wanted him back and it didn't have any bearing on how I felt about my current relationship.

Just go with your gut-- if he seems into you and you are otherwise happy, it probably is ok. He'll take them down eventually. If he is not treating you great and you have misgivings, then maybe he isn't the right one for you.

browneyes77 · 12/02/2021 11:09

@thecatfromjapan

Seriously, I don't know if you've realised but you are creating a story, here, to 'explain' him - and beyond that, your relationship.

I think you've created a narrative of him as a gentle soul, who doesn't know how to 'do' adult relationships, and needs gentle guidance from you.

Now, that may be true - but you can see why a few posters on here might find that a bit worrying.

While it's perhaps great to approach a potential new partner with the generosity with which we engage with children - and to enter into a relationship assuming that our partner isn't perfect, all-knowing, and fully-formed - it really should be reciprocal, ideally. That is, the role of 'child' should be able to be passed back and forth; each partner should be able to take on the role of both adult and child, and display both the adult and child aspects of their nature and have them acknowledged by the other.

You seem to simply be taking on the role of parent.

This rarely ends well.

Not always: there are clearly a few relationships where people are very happy to remain statically in the role of adult or child.

But I doubt this is one of those.

What happens when you need him to be the adult? To be someone you can lean in, help you make a decision, or to help you change and grow?

You'll end up irrationally cross. And it will be irrational because you seem to be very willing at this stage to establish a relationship modelled on an adult-child relationship - with you as the wise adult, he as a child-needing-guidance.

I think that you will ultimately find this frustrating.

All of us need help, guidance, generosity and understanding at times. It's nice that you recognise that need in him and are prepared to do it.

However, you also need to see those things being given by him to you. If you don't - and don't allow him to show you those things at this stage - it risks setting up a relationship pattern that will simply end in frustration and failure.

You're not his therapist, you're not his mother - although at some points, you may temporarily offer support-through-tines-of-change and intimate compassion.

But most adult relationships also require other things.

For example, where in these therapeutic phone-calls are the conversations in which he conveys to you his longing for eroticised intimacy? His curiosity about the mystery you hold for him and his desire to be embedded in your narrative?

It's early days, so that curiosity should probably be taking the form of sex and shared activities - not off-loading on you the story of his last relationship - which is a kind of proxy story for an intimate relationship, and deeply unsatisfying for you as a lover.

Excellent post
2Rebecca · 12/02/2021 11:24

Is he looking to women to make his life meaningful? I'd be wary of anyone trying to kill themselves when a relationship ends. He sounds hard work.

Chanel05 · 12/02/2021 11:38

It seems like he is stringing you along and telling you what he thinks you want to hear. Like he has seen the light and he doesn't care for her after all. It sounds to me as though this conversation didn't take place and she doesn't want him like he said she did. I'd think it was more the other way round and she doesn't want to be with him after he's begged for her back.

You're not quite at the relationship point yet and it already seems way too hard. It shouldn't be this much hassle in the beginning.

You haven't commented on this but you mentioned he's in his 40s and had kids so had a vasectomy. At 13 years younger, do you have children? If not, this is something you may want to keep in your mind for the future, should you decide to have them, knowing he won't want more.

Aprilx · 12/02/2021 11:51

I think you are trying to convince yourself too hard. I find it a bit odd to discuss an ex from two years ago in this depth with a new partner. But then whilst you were doing it, it was the perfect opportunity to ask why the photos are up, but it sounds like you didn’t.

Somebody said it a couple of pages ago, but you need to look at the actions not the words. They are inconsistent. I don’t believe he is with her or cheating with her, if she were available to him, he wouldn’t be seeing you.

Playnoh · 12/02/2021 12:13

Have you met any of his friends etc? No? You keep saying he’s told them as if that proves anything, he could be lying to you. He sounds like a massive head fuck, and you sound like you’re desperate for any crumbs he throws you. Sorry to be harsh op but it’s so hard to read all the bullshit he feeds you and you just lapping it up. He moved out to a new house that had nothing to do with her and put up pics of them kissing! Come on op! You surely know you deserve more than this.

AryaStarkWolf · 12/02/2021 12:25

@suspiria777

seems like a really juvenile thing to worry about.
It really isn't
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