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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's put his ex's photos back up

108 replies

Meltdown8 · 09/02/2021 18:41

I know it's nothing serious between us yet. But it's serious enough. Ive been dating a man and we've decided to give it a go as boyfriend and girlfriend after lockdown. We were going well before!

But!! We've only ever been to my house or out on dates. He wants me to go to his but it's always been easier at mine so far. I would like to go to his house after all this

he split from his last girlfriend after the best part of ten years. He's given me snippets of the split. It sounds like they drifted apart. Potentially she wanted to do things without him. He claims they sat down and agreed it was over then ,10 months later he got a flat without her.

They obviously went to a wedding once and got photos of them posing and kissing and staring into the distance. I believe this wedding was 2013 based on the date. I was quite surprised the first time he sent me a selfie on his sofa to see her and him snogging in a picture behind him. Shrugged it off. But then I noticed two more in his bedroom on the walls. Eventually I commented that he was snogging another women on the wall. He ignored the comment.

After six more weeks and lots more time invested I commented again. He sent a photo to ask if I liked his new top only for his ex to be hugging him on the wall. He replied sorry I've taken it down now.

He has sent the odd picture since. They were down so I felt happy.

We had a tiny blip two weeks ago. Cross wires and had a tiny argument. Solved the next day. Everything is good between us now. He sent a photo to show me his haircut and the picture frames are in the background. Although the actual pictures not showing the frames were in the photo just.

So what the hell?

What can I possibly say now? I can't control what he has on his walls but what an earth has made him put her back on the wall?

OP posts:
Original poster
Meltdown8 · 09/02/2021 19:06

Would you be with someone who clearly liked you but was clearly not over the ex? Can it work? I mean in time maybe he would be over her?

I like him alot and I understand history. But would this be a sign that I won't be enough? I'm so excited about the future with him and I can't wrap.my head around me pining for my ex at the same time.

OP posts:
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 09/02/2021 19:07

So not over her. I would be running a mile.

An0n0n0n · 09/02/2021 19:08

Sack it off now, n9t worth the aggro in six months time

Tumblebugsjump · 09/02/2021 19:15

Been there, it won't get better. Be honest with him and ask him to think about what he really wants. Find out if he's ready to move on, not easy when you're hoping for a future together but it's not a great start.

Suzi888 · 09/02/2021 19:16

No, he’s not over her. Put yourself in his shoes, would you leave photos of your ex hanging up?Confused I’d have those down fast than you could say Jack! especially if you were involved with someone else, happy and falling in love.

MasterPretender · 09/02/2021 19:17

Although the actual pictures not showing the frames were in the photo just

I'm confused. How do you know it's the photos of the ex if you can't actually see them?

I'd leave the agonising for when you actually know there's something to worry about.

SpringtimeBluebells · 09/02/2021 19:19

Try to ignore some of the rude comments.

There are some red flags and maybe he is not fully over her yet. Try to tell him how ut makes you question if he us ready for a relationship with you @Meltdown8

My current partner had lots of Facebook pictures and I found the huge number made me feel uneasy and insecure. We all react differently in new relationships.

I hope chatting it through with him helps you move on

NewMum2021x · 09/02/2021 19:21

Yes the red flag here is the fact he got a flat after they broke up and still had photos of themselves up? Strange... maybe they got back together after that for a short while and put them up and just couldn't be bothered to take them down? I don't know... to be honest if he likes you and respects you, you should ask him outright... express your concerns and like I said if he respects you he will tell you why they're still up etc. If he gets funny and argues it... that's a definitely a red flag

louise4754 · 09/02/2021 19:23

@MasterPretender I asked that half an hour ago

thebestnamehere · 09/02/2021 19:24

@suspiria777

seems like a really juvenile thing to worry about.
Not really. I would be fucked off too. Especially as he put them back up
ErickBroch · 09/02/2021 19:26

He is obviously not over her at all. I would be leaving this situation.

year5teacher · 09/02/2021 19:29

@suspiria777

seems like a really juvenile thing to worry about.
So you’d be ok if your boyfriend had photos up of him snogging his ex? Ok.
Vehivle · 09/02/2021 19:36

I second @newmum2021x

Please update us with how the chat goes. I really do think if he respects you and wants you, he will understand. If he argues the point - he's not over her and so not worth your time.

MadeForThis · 09/02/2021 19:59

Nobody moves house after a breakup and puts up 3 pictures of their ex.

Is one actually above his bed?

He's not over her.

Don't compete with a memory. You'll be a rebound relationship at best.

Get out before you get too attached.

BlueThistles · 09/02/2021 20:15

He's not in any way over her... not sure he will be by the amount of reminders he needs on every wall.

Walk away OP .. find a man that wants to put your photo on his walls.
Flowers

Stovetopespresso · 09/02/2021 20:44

I would give him an ultimatum/read him the riot act and see how it goes. throw toys out of pram etc. you've got nothing to lose have you. oh maybe your dignity but I would always say whats on my mind!!

Original poster
Meltdown8 · 09/02/2021 21:07

I just wish I could understand what he cant let go of. But I just don't know how else to question him about her. We've spoken about her before and he insists it became like brother and sister. No sex. Just fizzled out. He mostly says decent things about her but he sometimes says things that are more picking at her flaws.

I don't want to sound crazy saying I can see the edge of the frame on your wall.

It's such an obvious thing yet he puts so much effort in with me. He seems so genuine and keen to keep going with me. It's just this. I'm trying my best not to be insecure and it's becoming difficult.

OP posts:
dudsville · 09/02/2021 21:42

I've voted yabu only because you're focusing on the wrong thing. Why are YOU still with a man who after getting to know you a bit still had these pics up? This isn't about him, he's hung up on his ex, or whatever, but what are you doing?

BlueThistles · 09/02/2021 21:57

@dudsville

I've voted yabu only because you're focusing on the wrong thing. Why are YOU still with a man who after getting to know you a bit still had these pics up? This isn't about him, he's hung up on his ex, or whatever, but what are you doing?

very true

2Rebecca · 09/02/2021 22:19

I think it's odd to put up pictures of your ex unless you had kids together and they are family photos or your ex died.
I wouldn't expect someone to delete all photos of their ex from social media though. That seems like rewriting history and good times with ex partners were still good times. It sounds as though he's not ready for a new relationship. He also sounds very sentimental for a bloke surrounding himself with photos.
I wouldn't be asking him to take the photos down I'd be dialling down the intensity of the relationship

BlueTimes · 09/02/2021 22:27

@LynetteScavo

So he's moved into a flat on his own and put up photos of them together?

He's not over her.

He might really like you. He might understand there's no going back to the ex. But he's not over her yet.

This is my view as well.
FrankButchersDickieBow · 09/02/2021 22:33

I dont think I know any men in their own flat who would even put framed photo's up on the wall. Especially if they didn't have kids.

TheChip · 09/02/2021 22:38

So you comment on the fact he has pictures of him and his ex on his wall. It's highlighted to him -he knows it's not right and so takes them down.
You then have a Little blip with him and then the pictures are back up.

Hmmm...id say that's on purpose. Doing something he knows you won't like because of the blip.

BaggoMcoys · 09/02/2021 22:42

I don't think he would be even entertaining me if he was able to go back there.

I think you should tell step back and tell him why. Regardless of what may or may not be going on with the pictures on his wall, I don't think starting a new relationship feeling like you're second best is very healthy. He may unintentionally be using you as a rebound girlfriend and that's not a great place for you to be.

BaggoMcoys · 09/02/2021 22:44

Actually not sure why I said "and tell him why". You don't have to tell him why, though obviously can if you want. But I do think you should walk away and spare yourself the future heartache it sounds this may bring. Perhaps in a bit of time he'll realise he is over her and wants to be with you - and perhaps you will also want to be with him, but perhaps not. I just don't think you should continue with this as things stand, for your own sake.

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