He's put his ex's photos back up

[Meltdown8]

I know it's nothing serious between us yet. But it's serious enough. Ive been dating a man and we've decided to give it a go as boyfriend and girlfriend after lockdown. We were going well before!

But!! We've only ever been to my house or out on dates. He wants me to go to his but it's always been easier at mine so far. I would like to go to his house after all this

he split from his last girlfriend after the best part of ten years. He's given me snippets of the split. It sounds like they drifted apart. Potentially she wanted to do things without him. He claims they sat down and agreed it was over then ,10 months later he got a flat without her.

They obviously went to a wedding once and got photos of them posing and kissing and staring into the distance. I believe this wedding was 2013 based on the date. I was quite surprised the first time he sent me a selfie on his sofa to see her and him snogging in a picture behind him. Shrugged it off. But then I noticed two more in his bedroom on the walls. Eventually I commented that he was snogging another women on the wall. He ignored the comment.

After six more weeks and lots more time invested I commented again. He sent a photo to ask if I liked his new top only for his ex to be hugging him on the wall. He replied sorry I've taken it down now.

He has sent the odd picture since. They were down so I felt happy.

We had a tiny blip two weeks ago. Cross wires and had a tiny argument. Solved the next day. Everything is good between us now. He sent a photo to show me his haircut and the picture frames are in the background. Although the actual pictures not showing the frames were in the photo just.

So what the hell?

What can I possibly say now? I can't control what he has on his walls but what an earth has made him put her back on the wall?

@Meltdown8 sorry to say it but I think you’re wasting your time with this man. No normal person has a photo of their ex visible in their home when they start dating someone new. The fact that he has these pictures around means that he isn’t over his ex and/or he doesn’t care about you enough to remove them. It’s very disrespectful towards you for him to have those photos on display.

I remember (very) briefly dating a man who had a photo of his ex in his living room. She was a few years older than him and he was very cross when I asked if it was a picture of his mother. He told me to leave when after explaining it was his ex, I said ‘in that case, you were due for an upgrade!’

Thanks for the replies. They didn't have kids together. He has kids but had the snip young. So this women is now almost 40 and didn't have children. He said she would have been a good mother.

I hope he sends me another photo soon and then I can mention it. I feel like that's going to be the way forward. Or next time he mentions her I will ask him if he feels he's completely over her and would he ever want to go back if she asked. I will have to try and do it subtly.

I want so badly to give him the benefit on the doubt as he attempted suicide when he moved out. So I know she saved his life because he had contacted her. I know that everything got too much when they split. He was in an awful place.

He's always said I came along at the perfect time. He has told his friends about me too. They all say they are happy for him and that it's about time. So I do feel that letting me in like he has has been a massive first step to him recovering and moving forward.
It's just in my heart I have this feeling that if she decided she wanted attention or anything from him again he would probably be straight in there. Perhaps he is trying to accept she won't ever come back.

He has said he would never ever want to go back to that. He insists they became like brother and sister. He's also said that it's taken him to be in his 40s to connect with someone like he has me. Ofcourse that could be the honeymoon stage talking. But we do connect and I also have never felt this close to someone. Which is why it's so hard.

I know he's had other offers but was never ready. Only a couple of offers since they split. He told me about one of the women and explained he just wasn't ready and his cousin was pressuring him to sleep with her. He said he went home early to get away from the situation. He said he only started feeling like he wanted someone else a month before he met me. So he's been honest in that respect.

Sorry for the long reply. You ladies help me so much!

@Meltdown8

He says a lot, but his actions are showing you something different. Anyone can say anything. Just because I say I’m the queen it doesn’t make it so.

OP,

It sounds like he really wants to be over her but he isn't.

Attempting suicide is a very extreme reaction to a mutual decision to break up and wholly unbelievable.

Protect yourself.

Sounds like he put them back up when you fell out. He sounds really immature and not over his ex or trying to make you feel bad.
Anyway, I'd walk away, he sounds hard work.

He's either got a sixth sense or someone was listening to me. He called tonight.

We was discussing someone judging someone and he got onto the subject of her. He was saying how he worried what she was telling people after they split. So I decided to encourage him to speak about it. He told me a few things she did and how she saw herself as everyone liked her and she would always be boasting. He said she was friendly with neighbours and they would be acting silly and in and out the house and making him feel uncomfortable. Allsorts of little things.

Then he said to me a while back she was hinting at them getting back together. I asked what since me and you? He said no and then told me to listen. So I did.

He said she was suggesting stuff and asked him if he still fancied her. He said to me, I thought do you know what? no I don't and looking back on how she treated me I never did fancy her. He said he told her, no he didn't feel that way about her. Then she got upset and said did you not love me. He told her ofcourse he loved her but he has realised that their love wasn't healthy. She then said can we at least be friends?

I took this opportunity to say, so do you feel that you could ever go back there if you have both changed for the better, and if she wanted to give things ago again now you've had space.

He said in a shocked voice, What get back with her?!?. Absolutely no chance. He said it's not just if she wanted me anyway, it's about what I want too and I don't want her back. I have realised so much about how many things she did back then and she blamed me for alot of it.

It sounds like she's been getting in his head recently and he is possibly starting to finally untangle it all? I have been sensing things but I felt he was getting it off his chest tonight. I can't remember word for word but it sounds like he's saying he didn't realise how unhappy it was.

It sounds like she was outgoing and allover the place and he wanted to come home to a quiet house and things. So I guess two different personalities. This is the most he's ever said about her.

What do you think? I feel relieved that he's opened up about them and I think there's been some head messing going on since he's moved out.

It still seems like his head is messed up about her.

He put photos of her up again this week. If he had suddenly had this revelation why put them up?

Did you ask him why he put the pictures back up?

This all seems like very hard work when you are newly into a relationship where the focus should be all on you!

He moved into a new place and put pics of the two of them up..that is just odd.

Also he is older than you and has had the snip. Do you already have children? Do you want/(more) children?

I think he is telling you what you want to hear and I can't see how this bodes well I'm sorry to say

You're his unpaid therapist now. What are you getting from all of this angst? Are you grateful he's interested in you because you have a situation with children?

It shouldn't be this hard so early on.

If he’s only now processing what happened with her he’s not in a position for a new relationship yet. He’s clearly rushed in before he was ready.

FWIW I find it odd that he apparently has 3 photos of her in his whole house and yet he seems to sneak one of them in every time he takes a selfie! If it was you, you’d check what the photo looked like before sending it, and if the background was you snogging another bloke, you’d take it again! It seems like he wants you to see them, for whatever reason.

My DP had lots of photos (multiple in big frames) of him, his ex and their DC when we first met. When I challenged him on it and said it made me uncomfortable, he said they were up for the DCs sake. Fine, so I asked him to put them in their room, not in the main living room where I had to see them cuddling and piggy backing etc while I was visiting him.

He realised it was unfair and said that he’d originally thought any new partner would just have to deal with it, but now that I was no longer a hypothetical person but a real person with feelings, he accepted he should take them down.

Secretly I think he kept them up because he looked nice in them and doesn’t often take a decent photo! She was also very pretty back then and I think his vanity had kept them up.

Got to say, 8 years later and he has no photos of me in his house but at least she’s not there either!

Yeah it feels a little short lived. We were messaging back and forth. I said I was glad we spoke about his ex abit.

He put why are you glad? Yes it took me a while to get over it as it was all I knew and I struggled at first because it was all I knew. Then he put looking back I guess we both took eachother for granted and alot has happened. I like having her as a friend though as I see her like a little sister now.

So yeah abit much the other way now. I think I'm going to ask him in the morning if anything has happened recently with her and tell him I really think after two years it shouldn't be so heavy still. It's just such a put off.

I'd have to walk away from this.

The photos would also really upset me, let alone all this unfinished business.

See how things are after lockdown if you would like to. But proceed with caution. Do you think that the age gap would become an issue longer term?

The curse of the ghost girlfriend!

He's not over her, he can't stop talking about her, even to you! And if he's not talking he's looking at photos on his wall. He's enjoying the drama and the contact, "she wants me back, I said no". You sound like 2 friends dissecting a relationship, not love interests.
I had this, a boyfriend who brought up his ex at any op opportunity "amy would like this" etc. When I brought it up I was told I was "being jealous". I told him it was fucking weird and dumped him.

I had

Are you his first gf since her? I think your relationship maybe opening old wounds for him. I think it’s time for honesty here. You need to be honest about how you feel about him and your future and how the ex in the picture makes you feel etc. He needs to be honest with himself and make a decision. If he is serious about you then he needs to prioritise your feelings and your relationship over her. If he can’t do that then he isn’t ready for a new relationship yet and you need to accept that and move on. Maybe in time you could get together but unless he can’t move on from her and out you first then now is not the right time. You deserve someone who can focus on you and your shared future 100%

Ps my guess is she's been round to his new flat and thats why the photos went back up.

She's not his ex...

There's too much of her in his head and in his life. Whether it is negative or positive, it doesn't matter - he's not over her, and she is not an "ex".

@billy1966

OP,

It sounds like he really wants to be over her but he isn't.

Attempting suicide is a very extreme reaction to a mutual decision to break up and wholly unbelievable.

Protect yourself.

Precisely what I was going to say. And it’s the breakup element I keep coming back to and the thing that keeps sticking out to me as being odd.

Like I said previously. He says the decision to break up was mutual. But his behaviour suggests otherwise.

Even more now he’s had this supposed ‘epiphany’ as well at some point after, that she didn’t treat him well. If someone didn’t treat you well, why would you keep their pictures on the wall?

He had this epiphany prior to meeting you he claims, after she hinted at getting back together. So he’s met you since and still had her pictures on his wall, despite realising she treated him poorly during their relationship?

I’m struggling to buy what he’s selling to be honest.

I'm the first person in two years since they split.

When he tells people about me they all say it's about time and they are happy for him. He's told his boss that he's close to. His cousins and several friends.

I think the split was extremely painful for him and he didn't cope in general and he's been working on himself the last 9 months because he did hit rock bottom.i guess the fact he's been honest with me that it made him crash and honest I'm the first person he's wanted since is potentially a big deal and perhaps I just need a tiny bit more patience.

Everything else about him I love. I just don't want games. But he said some less favourable things about her last night and I need to trust that they come from an honest place.

Yeah the age gap sometimes makes me think. But I try focus on the now if that makes sense?

I feel as though in an ideal world he needs councilling. But he's not that sort of man at all.

He called this morning before work. I said I just wanted to say one more thing about it. I said if you are feeling up and down still over your ex then I really don't think it's right to be involved with me at the moment. That will only be confusing you further having me in your head too. That's not going to be healthy for anyone.

He said I am not thinking like that at all she's my past and I hope you are my future.

So I'll see how we go over the next month or so I guess.

It sounds like they are both clinging onto the friendship thing but I bet once she meets someone else it won't be so easy.

Do you live somewhere that you're able to meet up with this bloke in person? Or is the relationship conducted entirely by phone/internet? Have you met him yet?

I think he's still seeing her.

@Butchyrestingface

Do you live somewhere that you're able to meet up with this bloke in person? Or is the relationship conducted entirely by phone/internet? Have you met him yet?

I think he's still seeing her.

Have you even bothered to read the OP posts from the beginning? If you have then you would of read that she has seen him but isn't at the moment due to lockdown.

Have you even bothered to read the OP posts from the beginning? If you have then you would of read that she has seen him but isn't at the moment due to lockdown.

Well, clearly I did miss the bit where she said she had met him. It does happen.

Sorry, OP. I'd be inclined to knock it on the head.

Is he Jeff Koons?

Even if he is, and the photos are Art: No.

She’s been to his house fairly recently but you haven’t - what’s that about?
I went out with a guy like this - we spent a lot of time talking about his ex. He wasn’t over her, despite what he said to me and he admitted it in the end. Future boyfriends would hardly mention an ex and I realised mentionitis is a red flag.
The picture thing is weird.