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AIBU?

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Original poster

He's put his ex's photos back up

108 replies

Meltdown8 · 09/02/2021 18:41

I know it's nothing serious between us yet. But it's serious enough. Ive been dating a man and we've decided to give it a go as boyfriend and girlfriend after lockdown. We were going well before!

But!! We've only ever been to my house or out on dates. He wants me to go to his but it's always been easier at mine so far. I would like to go to his house after all this

he split from his last girlfriend after the best part of ten years. He's given me snippets of the split. It sounds like they drifted apart. Potentially she wanted to do things without him. He claims they sat down and agreed it was over then ,10 months later he got a flat without her.

They obviously went to a wedding once and got photos of them posing and kissing and staring into the distance. I believe this wedding was 2013 based on the date. I was quite surprised the first time he sent me a selfie on his sofa to see her and him snogging in a picture behind him. Shrugged it off. But then I noticed two more in his bedroom on the walls. Eventually I commented that he was snogging another women on the wall. He ignored the comment.

After six more weeks and lots more time invested I commented again. He sent a photo to ask if I liked his new top only for his ex to be hugging him on the wall. He replied sorry I've taken it down now.

He has sent the odd picture since. They were down so I felt happy.

We had a tiny blip two weeks ago. Cross wires and had a tiny argument. Solved the next day. Everything is good between us now. He sent a photo to show me his haircut and the picture frames are in the background. Although the actual pictures not showing the frames were in the photo just.

So what the hell?

What can I possibly say now? I can't control what he has on his walls but what an earth has made him put her back on the wall?

OP posts:
Goodbye2020Helllo2021 · 09/02/2021 22:45

Controlling his photos? A juvenile thing to worry about? MN is crazy sometimes.

YANBU.
He is either

  1. Still fully with her (albeit living separately).
  2. Still in contact with her and she goes round to ‘visit’ now and then...
  3. He still in love with her and likes to look at her picture day in day out.

Whatever, it’s weird.

Goodbye2020Helllo2021 · 09/02/2021 22:48

I just wish I could understand what he cant let go of

Her.
From what you say, she probably doesn’t want him back so he’s keeping you going.
Get rid.

myfriendsgivebadadvice · 09/02/2021 22:50

I think you're probably right to think he's not ready. That's just ridiculous.

BlueThistles · 10/02/2021 00:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GameofPhones · 10/02/2021 01:15

I knew a married couple, both widowed and on their second marriage, who each put a photo of their deceased spouse in their bedroom. It did not go well.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 10/02/2021 01:24

you don't say how old you/he are - but ten years is a big chunk of time, and from what you say it wasn't an acrimonious split- is he supposed to pretend that that ten years of his life didn't happen?

Nogardenersworld · 10/02/2021 01:31

If he lived in the same place and hadn’t got round to taking them down it would be one thing
But to move out, post breakup, and put them up in the new place is really weird surely?!

I’d say maybe he’s just changed the picture in the frame now, but I’d still think the whole thing was weird anyway

He’s definitely not over her

Nogardenersworld · 10/02/2021 01:33

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

you don't say how old you/he are - but ten years is a big chunk of time, and from what you say it wasn't an acrimonious split- is he supposed to pretend that that ten years of his life didn't happen?
I think there’s a middle ground between pretending it didn’t happen and having photos of them kissing by his bed
Original poster
Meltdown8 · 10/02/2021 02:42

These photos are not different photos they are Her pictures In them.
All I know is he's put them back up and slipped up in a selfie.

He's in his 40s and she was ten years younger. I'm 13 years younger.

Like I say he's really into us. He wants me to go to his house. He's so excited about seeing me again. He says lovely things. He's happy about my situation as I have children. We have said we love eachother. It felt real and still does. He's in regular contact and cares always.

I think he's ready to have a relationship with someone but he has clearly not dealt with the loss of her somewhere and he thinks he hides it well.

She has been around for a drink once since we've been involved. But I don't know if she has anymore since. He has never hidden they are friendly now. He's told her about me. As I said he had major depression when they split and did reach rock bottom. So I can't put my finger on it but I think he's somehow taken her for comfort.

I am a little fed up with it all now even though he's lovely In every other way. I feel like I can't really ask him based on the actual photo not showing. I think he just wasn't thinking or isn't thinking I'd notice that sort of detail. It would make me look slightly crackers if I ended it from a selfie. But I'd need to explain as we've had dates, gift exchanges and we do have a plan going ahead to get closer after this lockdown. I'd would feel extremely harsh to just end it.

OP posts:
goldielockdown2 · 10/02/2021 03:23

He's making you feel insecure on purpose. He knows what he's doing- how hard is it to just stand and pose somewhere else so the photos won't be in view or partially in view? Red flag. As is the insistence of having photos up in the first place. Bet he drops her into convo regularly as well.

Original poster
Meltdown8 · 10/02/2021 07:54

But what would he have to gain by winding up a new lover like that? If he wants someone In his future, to move forward with, then surely he knows he's got to leave her in the past? If I'm making him as happy as he claims and he loves me like he claims,then why would she still be interupting his thoughts. He should be feeling an excited buzz from this new relationship.

This is what I'm trying to understand. There's something he's not telling me. He's putting so much effort in with me and he talks about us going into the future. Yet there's little signs about her and I want to understand his thoughts.

How can photos mean this much to him? Is it he remembers he wasn't depressed then? Is that because he remembers those days and they were before the hard times? Is this because she does occasionally pop round for a drink (although apparently only once since we met)
Has he not fully accepted the future and is he still caught in the past?

They obviously are not getting back together. There's nothing stopping them. Both single. It's been a couple of years.

I feel like there's not enough for me to quiz him. He's still focused on me. But at some point in the last two weeks he's stood up and thought I am putting my pictures back up. We did fall out for a day. So perhaps that is when. But regardless I wish I understood why. She's his ex. I don't expect him not to care or think about the past sometimes. But it feels like he's mentally unwell about her. Just doesn't seem normal after all this time.

OP posts:
Marmozet3 · 10/02/2021 08:04

Only he can answer these questions... Honestly you deserve so much more than this and need to ask yourself why you're accepting of this treatment

Aprilx · 10/02/2021 08:05

If he loved you, he would not have photos of his ex on the wall.

Last time I had a failed relationship, I wasn’t over him but I took photos down straight away and put them in a drawer because I knew I had to try and get over it. He isn’t even trying to get over her, he moved into a new property and deliberately put her photos up.

I wouldn’t waste any more time on this man.

Original poster
Meltdown8 · 10/02/2021 08:11

I think I know deep down it's not adding up somewhere. I don't think he's going to cheat or there's a chance of them getting involved. I just think emotionally something is going on in the background. I have no idea if she does anything her end to encourage it. But his heart must still belong to her even if he will never admit it.

OP posts:
2Rebecca · 10/02/2021 08:14

Judge people especially boyfriends by their actions not their words.

BlueThistles · 10/02/2021 13:19

@2Rebecca

Judge people especially boyfriends by their actions not their words.

yip 🌺

MadeForThis · 10/02/2021 18:59

They aren't back together because she doesn't want to be with him.

browneyes77 · 10/02/2021 21:09

I can’t help but wonder if the reasons he gave you for their break up, were actually just the reasons SHE gave HIM for breaking up with him. He’s made it sound like a mutual break up, but I’m not entirely convinced it was. The way he is behaving makes me think she instigated it.

He’s told you he loves you and makes out he cares for you, but he is clearly inconsiderate of your feelings. Because anyone with half a brain or even a small amount of emotional intelligence, would realise that having pictures up in your home, of you and your ex snogging, is going to upset any new partner and make them feel extremely uncomfortable.

I mean it took you commenting (more than once) before he took them down the first time.

As many have already said, it seems to me he isn’t over her fully yet.

I think if you choose to mention to him that you could see the pictures were back up, you could use this time to chat to him about his feelings for his ex. Because frankly I’d be inclined to tell him that the intimate pictures of them together on his walls, makes it comes across as though he isn’t really over her.

MushMonster · 10/02/2021 21:48

You do not mention children, so I suppose they do not have children together? But if they do, that would be for them, especially if they were up when they lived together as a family. I had to have my wedding pics up till my DH got her head around the divorce, and I have seen the same on some people going through it.
If no children, this rings alarms for me. He could be the kind of arsehole who likes making women insecure by playing up with jealousy, and trying to keep you on your toes.
Or it could be that this wedding was a turning point for him? Maybe she said or did something that day? Maybe you do see a happy memory of two lovers, but he sees the end of the relationship, or something negative that happen that day. He may have them up as a reminder of this negative if he was depressed after the split? Like I have a pic of my young thin self on the fridge, so for motivation watching the food?
I think you should address it directly. Say what you think, how it makes you feel. And see what he says. No that he takes them down, but why are they up? And if he ever gets into taken them down, and then up if you have a disagreement, then run for the hills!!!

MushMonster · 10/02/2021 21:50

That should be DD, no DH! I had the pics in my new home for my DD! Lol

Feedingthebirds1 · 10/02/2021 22:40

It sounds like his head and his heart possibly aren't on the same page. In his head he loves you, wants a future with you and says all the right things. But his heart hasn't yet caught up with his head. And it might or it might not. I'm not normally a pessimist, but given the photos I'd bet on it not. He'll tell you you're not second best, but his actions will always leave you wondering.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 11/02/2021 08:36

I think you should ask him outright if he has put her pictures back up on the wall.

As it looks that way in the latest selfie and you are concerned about it, after all it appears that he cannot/will not let go of the past and you are worried what this means for your relationship.

You should be able to be open with him about your legitimate concerns about this.

Good luck Thanks

2Rebecca · 11/02/2021 10:22

I think men can be happy to have a relationship and sex whilst still really wanting someone else.
As a student I'd been going out with a bloke who'd been quite passionate for several months when one night he tells me he lives me but he'll never love me as much as his childhood sweetheart who dumped him. That was it as far as I was concerned.
Ironically I later heard that he was telling people I had been the love of his life.
For relationships to work you have to commit to them and live in the present.

Playnoh · 11/02/2021 10:33

Wait if she kept the house then that would
Imply he’s moved into a new house without her? And put pictures up after their relationship broke down? That makes no sense. It’s one of two Things 1) they arent broken up. 2) he’s still in love with her.

greeneyedlulu · 11/02/2021 11:08

To be fair, it's weird! You go to a blokes house for a night of passion and there, above his bed, is a picture of him kissing his ex!! Romantic!! I think you need to talk to him and just be honest about how it makes you feel.