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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband help

104 replies

doodles111 · 09/02/2021 14:54

Aibu
Husband has decided to be running partners with a woman he works with, tbh I'm not comfortable with it for 1 - it's just them ( understand opposite sexes can be friends but this woman has came out of nowhere) 2 - he will not help me with looking after our children but will happily give up his free time to run with this woman?!
Aibu here?

Also to add I haven't been told it's a slip up of someone else telling me 🙄

OP posts:

Original poster

doodles111 · 09/02/2021 15:08

OP posts:

greeneyedlulu · 09/02/2021 15:11

What do you mean he doesnt help look after his children? Wtf? I'd not be happy with that let alone making time for another woman!

Ahwelltoobad · 09/02/2021 15:12

YANBU. Have you asked him why he has time to run with her, but not help out with the kids? What did he say?

wibblewombat · 09/02/2021 15:15

Is it at lunchtime?

Nope, would not be happy.

Ileflottante · 09/02/2021 15:18

I’m getting vibes from your admittedly scant post that he’s a crappy husband and father and you’re already resentful of bearing the brunt.

Coupled with someone else letting slip he’s meeting another woman to run (and you felt compelled to post) my gut would assume there’s more than a little something amiss.

But...I’m a cynical person and like I said, your post is scant.

RedskyBynight · 09/02/2021 15:26

You're not actually allowed to go running with more than 1 person at the moment.
I think most people would choose to do a leisure activity over looking after (small?) children. If he's not pulling his weight, that's a whole other thread.

I don't see anything wrong with this on the face of it, but I suspect there is a whole back story you're not telling?

Original poster

doodles111 · 09/02/2021 15:26

He doesn't pull his weight with our children as he says he works an I currently don't but isn't really working much at all due to lockdown although he finds an excuse to pop in everyday!
It's not on his lunch no it's in his own free time , also found out from same person that let slip about the run thing that he has been taking the piss out of the decor choices iv made in our home I know this is so trivial but I'm really hurt by this as I have worked hard decorating our home and he has never said anything to me that indicates he dislikes it. Anyway should I bring them up the running thing I'm scared his will make out I'm being crazy 🥴

OP posts:

freezedriedromance · 09/02/2021 15:27

These are two separate issues you're merging together.

He should be allowed to spend time on a hobby, if that means running with a partner then so be it. But you should have hobby time too.

He should also be hands on with his own house and children.

Many men manage both, no reason he can't either. I go to the gym (pre covid), as does my partner. We share the other responsibilities so we both have some time to ourselves.

HugeAckmansWife · 09/02/2021 15:31

He absolutely will say you're crazy and that nothing is going on - it may not be, yet, but it doesn't sound like he has any respect for you nor value his homelife. --One question though - who is telling you all this? Is there any danger that he/she is shit stirring for the drama? Even without this new development I'd say you have a number of issues that need addressing. As a SAHM you are quite vulnerable financially - not to be alarmist but maybe you should start just quietly looking into what your situation would be if you went it alone.

Swansee · 09/02/2021 15:32

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I wouldn't be happy with my husband going running with a female work colleague mainly because I know that's exactly how my best friend conducted her affair :-) he's entitled to work out but running is one sport you can easily do alone.

I also do get the whole bitterness about him bit pulling his weight but it is a separate issue. Why don't you take an hour to yourself each day to go for a walk and let him look after the house and kids during that time.

HeartShapedBox · 09/02/2021 15:34

Been there, done that with a husband who did fuck all for / with the DC or anything round the house, always plenty of time for anyone else though. Constantly slagging me off to everyone and anyone behind my back. We're divorced now.

Apart from a wage, what does he bring to your life? Anything positive?

Notimeforaname · 09/02/2021 15:42

Well yuk look crazy I'd yiu frantically confront him worh allegation of running with a female.

Does he just tell you he's running alone? Does he tell you something different?

Did this person really let it slip by accident or did it sound like they wanted you to really know this...Is there actually a person or did you see some messages or somthing and are afraid you'll get shit for it here if you say?

Notimeforaname · 09/02/2021 15:42

Sorry for the typos. Jesus.

toocold54 · 09/02/2021 15:57

I agree completely with freezedriedromance post.

The running thing with a female wouldn’t bother me.

The not pulling his weight with the children/around the house definitely would.

Could you explain more how he doesn’t pull his weight.

Original poster

doodles111 · 09/02/2021 16:03

@Notimeforaname

Well yuk look crazy I'd yiu frantically confront him worh allegation of running with a female.

Does he just tell you he's running alone? Does he tell you something different?

Yes he's told me he's running alone 😳

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 09/02/2021 16:03

@toocold54

I agree completely with freezedriedromance post.

The running thing with a female wouldn’t bother me.

The not pulling his weight with the children/around the house definitely would.

Could you explain more how he doesn’t pull his weight.

Would it bother you if he lied to you about it though (or lied by omission) ?

toocold54 · 09/02/2021 16:08

Would it bother you if he lied to you about it though (or lied by omission)

Yes it would bother me if he flat our lied but I think that is just one issue in the relationship and the bigger picture needs to be looked at more.

It is also not proven it’s just someone else who’s said it who could be untrustworthy but the problems in their relationship are real.

AryaStarkWolf · 09/02/2021 16:10

@toocold54

Would it bother you if he lied to you about it though (or lied by omission)

Yes it would bother me if he flat our lied but I think that is just one issue in the relationship and the bigger picture needs to be looked at more.

It is also not proven it’s just someone else who’s said it who could be untrustworthy but the problems in their relationship are real.

Yes I agree about that. Who is telling you this stuff OP? I can understand whoever it is telling you about the woman by accident or thinking you already knew but why tell you he takes the piss out of your decorating?

lazylinguist · 09/02/2021 16:16

The fact that he has actually told you he's running alone makes this much worse. Combined with the mocking your decor choices and not helping with the children, it sounds like he is taking the piss, frankly. You need to confront him in a firm and unapologetic way about all of this imo.

Ileflottante · 09/02/2021 16:32

He’s a liar, he’s meeting a woman to run which he deliberately concealed, he’s allegedly mocking you behind your back, he does fuck all at home abs for the kids, any attempt to call him out on it and he calls you names and deflects into you... that’s about the size of it right?

What does he do that’s good?

Notimeforaname · 09/02/2021 16:48

So who is the person that knows he's running with her?
Hes obviously not trying to keep it that much of a secret it somebody else knows and casually mentioned it to you ?

FlowersOfAldershot · 09/02/2021 16:50

Concur with comments, but if it's not too personal question, how is your sex life and how old are your kids?
Affairs (sorry) are much more common when women are heavily pregnant and when babies are very young. Partly as they're not getting sex at home and partly because all attention is understandably focussed on new member of family. Is he insecure, needs a lot of compliments and attention? If so then it may just be someone is interested in him and that fills a void. This doesn't necessarily mean anything is going on.
One last question. Who was he speaking to about your decor? If it was the runner then I'd be more worried. If just general office banter then big deal. Couples don't often have the same taste and men often just let the woman get on with it. Less effort. Doesn't mean he likes it but there's nothing wrong with that.

LaurieFairyCake · 09/02/2021 16:55

If he's told you he's running alone then he's trying to fuck her or he realises he doesn't pull his weight at home and is ashamed

I suggest you push back HARD and have him do 4 nights a week from 5pm onwards (food/bath/story/bedtime) while you go for a run and/or supermarket shopping (in reality for a nice read and listen to music in the car)

EKGEMS · 09/02/2021 18:47

Yeah right-if my spouse lied about running alone and was a lazy bastard at home he'd be running except he'd be running for his life away from me-I'd lmao if he tried that shit

Original poster

doodles111 · 09/02/2021 20:26

I heard it from a mutual friend who works in the same building but difference office there's no reason for them to lie but tonight I have grabbed his phone ( maybe I shouldn't of) and there are messages to this woman an she's asking when their next run is sounds very needy almost abit beggy?!
Don't know what to make of it all to be honest ... he still doesn't know I know about this woman and said he's off on a run tomorrow No mention of anyone joining him so I said aw Ds1 might like to go with you ... going straight from work apparently 🙄

OP posts:

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