Husband help

[doodles111]

Aibu
Husband has decided to be running partners with a woman he works with, tbh I'm not comfortable with it for 1 - it's just them ( understand opposite sexes can be friends but this woman has came out of nowhere) 2 - he will not help me with looking after our children but will happily give up his free time to run with this woman?!
Aibu here?

Also to add I haven't been told it's a slip up of someone else telling me 🙄

@FlowersOfAldershot

Concur with comments, but if it's not too personal question, how is your sex life and how old are your kids? Affairs (sorry) are much more common when women are heavily pregnant and when babies are very young. Partly as they're not getting sex at home and partly because all attention is understandably focussed on new member of family. Is he insecure, needs a lot of compliments and attention? If so then it may just be someone is interested in him and that fills a void. This doesn't necessarily mean anything is going on. One last question. Who was he speaking to about your decor? If it was the runner then I'd be more worried. If just general office banter then big deal. Couples don't often have the same taste and men often just let the woman get on with it. Less effort. Doesn't mean he likes it but there's nothing wrong with that.

Our sex life hasn't been great recently no - lockdown life I think but definitely on the decline last few months I don't know if this now sets alarm bells. It was within a group but the runner was there I feel like he was basically belittling me to them all in effort to impress her and show that he's not arsed? maybe Don't have anyone I want to share this with in real life thanks for all your comments.

Trust your gut OP - he’s already proven to be a liar!
Also I don’t buy this whole ‘men and women can be friends’ thing. Yes they can be pals but in what situation would a man go out ALONE for activities with a woman he sees regularly anyway and whom you aren’t friends with?
It’s different if they were childhood friends/lived in different cities/shared an unusual hobby etc...if he needed a running partner it’d have been easy to find a man.
Call me judgmental but 9 times out of 10 a woman appearing out of nowhere doesn’t bode well

@WhoStoleMyCheese

Trust your gut OP - he’s already proven to be a liar! Also I don’t buy this whole ‘men and women can be friends’ thing. Yes they can be pals but in what situation would a man go out ALONE for activities with a woman he sees regularly anyway and whom you aren’t friends with? It’s different if they were childhood friends/lived in different cities/shared an unusual hobby etc...if he needed a running partner it’d have been easy to find a man. Call me judgmental but 9 times out of 10 a woman appearing out of nowhere doesn’t bode well

I have male friends who are just that. But my h knows all about them and I don't lie about where I'm going.

You're being taken for a fool here, OP .

Sorry OP. The fact he is lying about running alone is enough. Do you know her name? Perhaps when he arrives home tomorrow you could ask him how she is? His face will tell you everything you need to know. Sorry you are going through this

he will not help me with looking after our children
Thats the issue. That’s what needs addressing. Value yourself more and say this isnt on. And take up running. Not after children’s bedtime either.

The lying is the next thing wrong. Ask him why he lied. It sounds like the work colleague is dropping you hints too.

Why are you not working atm?

I'd find out where he is running and then turn up with the kids & let them cheer him on when he runs past. Pretend you had no idea he was running there with another woman. The other woman probably doesn't know he is married with kids so at least she'll know. Then watch him squirm while he tries to get out of it while you're acting all innocent.

It doesn’t sound great that he’s lied about it and that he doesn’t see childcare as his job despite being their father

Find your anger, OP. Your H is treating you with utter contempt.

He has checked out of parenting, is blatantly lying about his 1:1 outings with this woman, and has publicly ridiculed you.

You don’t have to tolerate his despicable behavior. Read him the riot act and remind him that he has much to lose.

Quick update - I brought it up last night as I wanted to see his reaction. As I thought he would he called me crazy said I need to grow up and said he's not mentioned it as he didn't need too and it's been a regular thing for weeks. I said I feel uncomfortable with this due to a few things that happened about 2 years ago it wasn't cheating but he turned around one day and said that he hadn't loved me for months and ended our marriage for a week then decided he did love me I gave him another chance and it's taken a long time to get back to any sort of trust in our marriage. The thing is he thinks he goes above an beyond for me as he is working and I am not ( young children at home)
He slept in the spare room last night so I feel like his reaction and lack of anything that shows he actually cares for me an our relationship just sort of confirms my suspicion. I feel numb to be honest.

OP I'm really sorry to hear how this is panning out. The fact he left before makes me think he doesn't have the feelings he should but doesn't have the balls to leave outright? I suspect you have created such a lovely home and family for him, he doesn't want to lose it and realised he wouldn't manage on his own. In effect he seems like he maybe wants his cake and eat it. And he sounds quite emotionally immature.
I hope for your sake you can work this out to an outcome that is right for you and your kids, whatever that is.

Hmm I think he is planning to leave and this woman is in his sights. I would scupper his plans by making my own plans and leaving him with the children. And by making plans to kick him out!

He should want to spend time with his own children!

Ah OP this is a shit place to find yourself. I’m sorry you are having to deal with this.
I think you need to consider the facts

Your husband left you in the past, told you he didn’t love you but then changed his mind and came back

He doesn’t value your work as a SAHP.

He doesn’t believe he needs to or should take any of the care for his kids.

He doesn’t tell you when he’s spending time with another woman. (No problem with having female friends but it’s just basic respect to ensure your partner fees comfortable with it - he doesn’t see this)

When you talk about not being comfortable with the 121 with this woman he tells you you’re crazy - he doesn’t even entertain an adult, sensible discussion where you can be reassured. He immediately chooses to gaslight you and play the “you’re insecure / crazy” card. Highly manipulative and unfair and not something a decent person does.

Try to take your emotions out of the picture for a second and look at these facts and think to yourself logically - is this the behaviour of a good person who cares about their partner.
Is this the behaviour of someone who respects their partner and sees them as an equal?

Or is it the behaviour of someone who doesn’t give two shits about anyone but themselves and will do exactly as they please and if anyone questions them they will throw insults and accusations at them to shut them up?

No one deserves to be treated this way OP. You know that, now what is your next step?

and hugs for you OP. He does not deserve you but at the same time it’s hard to LTB because as a SAHP you cannot just up and leave.
What’s your financial situation like - have you got any savings etc? Did you have a career before that you could get back into?
You should also talk to a solicitor...see what your options are.
Even if you do not leave right away start making plans...squirrelling away money , looking for jobs etc. You can do it and it’s better than being with someone who doesn’t give a shit about his own flesh and blood or your relationship

Lying sod

I was lied to for years. I am so sorry OP but I recognise all this behaviour. I did myself no favours by letting my ex get away with it all for so long. You deserve better. I have 2 small children. It is not easy but it gets easier when you respect yourself and put your foot down. I have a new man now after 11 months of being single. I am happier.

Just to add my further thoughts on what he's possibly thinking and planning, whether conscious or not, is he was staying with you and kids as a safety blanket, and when something new and shiney comes along he is likely to have an affair, then if that goes well and she is available, he'll leave. Until that point comes where he finds someone you are going to be stuck in this hell, doubting your self worth and eroding your confidence continually. The longer this goes on the worse for you and the harder life will be. My advice to you is let the dust settle, if you see a reaction from him in making more effort with you, see how that plays out, otherwise do all the prep steps suggested above and plan your exit. I don't know how old you are but don't for one minute think they're are not good men out there who are single and happy to take on a decent woman and kids. Strength to you x

Lying twat! Hope your ok op x

Thanks everyone , some very good advice.
He was due home today at 12 and still isn't back also not heard from him, his running stuff has been taken with him so at least I know where I stand now.

So sorry to hear he is hurting you like this, he is trying to make you the guilty one, try not to fall for it. Can you be out when he gets back, do you have family and friends you can call. Do not under any circumstances do his running clothes washing, let him sulk in the spare room, whatever you do or say will be wrong so dont bother getting into a pointless argument with him. . You and your children are your number one priority, take care of yourself and them and decide what you want to do for your future.

Due home at 12? And he didn't let you know he was going to be late? Asshole! Sorry op x

He's just came home wearing his running clothes, it's like he's enjoying it.

He is playing mind games and messing with your head, ignore him and let him play his silly little games, give the DC their tea, take yourself off for a luxurious pamper bath and can the DC sleep in your bed if they are not too old.

Move all his shit into the spare room. Cook for you and the kids, not him. Don't lift a finger for him.

Why isn't he working from home? What do you mean 'finds time to pop in'? I find your post confusing

I think I will do exactly that @DogsSausages thank you. Xx. @Perfect28 his work haven't been working from home throughout the pandemic I say he finds time to pop in meaning he finds reasons too because he isn't expected to go in everyday his boss has told him to go in only occasionally once or twice a week but like I say he finds a reason to pop into work everyday.