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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband help

104 replies

doodles111 · 09/02/2021 14:54

Aibu
Husband has decided to be running partners with a woman he works with, tbh I'm not comfortable with it for 1 - it's just them ( understand opposite sexes can be friends but this woman has came out of nowhere) 2 - he will not help me with looking after our children but will happily give up his free time to run with this woman?!
Aibu here?

Also to add I haven't been told it's a slip up of someone else telling me 🙄

OP posts:
Ileflottante · 10/02/2021 18:18

Does he work with this running partner? Or when he ‘pops into work’, is he definitely doing that?

He sounds like a really nasty piece of work.

DogsSausages · 10/02/2021 18:19

We are here if you need a distraction from worrying about him.

Itstimetoquit · 10/02/2021 18:21

He's playing games !

combatbarbie · 10/02/2021 18:57

What a knob! He's def playing mind games now! When you say the messages from her were needy, can you elaborate?

Snowymcsnowsony · 10/02/2021 19:01

Itching powder in his shorts should sort the twat right out..

Beforethetakingoftoastandtea · 10/02/2021 19:28

What was you career before you gave it up to raise his children an can you go back to it?

FlowersOfAldershot · 10/02/2021 19:30

Popping into the office when he really doesn't need to in the current climate reeks of domestic avoidance and self aggrandising.

MsDogLady · 10/02/2021 20:44

What a cruel and entitled man.

OP, I am sorry that he dismissed your feelings/boundaries and shifted the blame by calling you crazy and immature. That was pure manipulation. He is remorseless about his previous abandonment and couldn’t care less about restoring your trust and providing emotional safety. In fact, he seems to enjoy taunting and making a mockery of you.

Did you ever get to the bottom of why he walked out? Could an OW have been in the picture?

He is lying about time spent alone with this woman and she seems eager and clingy. It sounds like lines are being crossed.

I agree that you should disengage from him and focus on yourself and the children. I would cease domestic services to him and would seriously reconsider staying in the marriage.

Gcnq · 10/02/2021 20:55

Is he popping into work because she'll be there?

Sorry you're with a twat, he's treating you really badly.

MsDogLady · 10/02/2021 21:50

Yes, the unnecessary daily popping in to the office where she is. I meant to add that to my above list of suspicious behavior, along with his mocking your taste in her presence.

He really is treating you with disdain and is creating emotional distance between you. I think he’s up to something.

Feedingthebirds1 · 10/02/2021 22:30

his boss has told him to go in only occasionally once or twice a week but like I say he finds a reason to pop into work everyday.

So she is at work every day - or he's not going to work when he says he is.
Neither of those are definite, but they're definitely possibilities.

He's checked out of the family, and is belittling you to make himself look big. It won't be washing with a lot of people, but if she is an OW she'll be lapping it up at how miserable he is with you and how happy he is with her.

To use a well known phrase or saying on MN, you need to start arranging the ducks. Just in case.

ooohbriefcase · 10/02/2021 23:21

@doodles111

He's just came home wearing his running clothes, it's like he's enjoying it.
I hope he trips on his laces and falls face first in dog shit on his next run.

Sorry I know that's unhelpful. It just really pisses me off when I read about secret hobby dates behind a spouses back on here.
It's so deceitful. Horrible to read. Don't let him get away with it. You deserve better.

Itstimetoquit · 11/02/2021 08:49

Morning op how are you x

Outbutnotoutout · 11/02/2021 11:08

How old are the children, can you go running impromptu like?

He is using his spare time to be with her and not you...time to get ducks in a row

Original poster
doodles111 · 11/02/2021 12:51

@Itstimetoquit

Morning op how are you x
Doing ok thank you @Itstimetoquit started getting my ducks in a row. Tried to have a talk last night and he couldn't even look at me I am wasting my time with him and don't want to spend the next 5-10 years being treated this way. Not really no he is never here long enough to even watch our children either. He's been at the office since 7:30 this morning I asked him what he's doing there so much after his boss told him once/twice a week was sufficient, he said stuff so couldn't even give me a proper answer. We have barely spoken his no response is a response ... massive wake up call for me an these comments have really made me see sense I have defended his behaviour for so long thank you everyone x
OP posts:
FlowersOfAldershot · 11/02/2021 13:44

Never nice to hear about someone being treated this way nor a family potential breaking up. I hope you can find a path through this that works well for you and your kids

Itstimetoquit · 11/02/2021 14:09

@doodles111, I think there's more to it than running! Why is he not making any effort,what are your plans do you have to leave or will he leave,I feel for you,keep posting lots of support here xx

HitchFlix · 11/02/2021 14:38

This doesn't sound good at all OP. If there's not an affair brewing there's certainly a fundamental lack of respect for you.

The incident 2 years ago would be impossible to come back from I imagine. Your self esteem is undoubtedly suffering being with this arsehole. I hope you find the strength to leave. You deserve better Flowers

LaurieFairyCake · 11/02/2021 14:42

I'm so sorry to read your updates Thanks

I hope you can leave him soon

Clicketyclick21 · 12/02/2021 09:34

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Speak to women's aid, they can advise you on the best way to prepare to end your marriage. You've already mentioned that you are doing this, make sure that you have copies of bank statements, payslips, assets, shares, pensions, birth certificates etc. Make copies and leave with a trusted family member or somewhere safe.

If you share a joint account, slowly start to withdraw small amounts to build an emergency fund. Buy supermarket vouchers from the joint account when you do your shopping. Just small amounts & put it away for when you need it. Sell any unwanted old clothes & household goods & put it towards your emergency fund. Buy clothes/shoes/gifts for the kids in the next size up from the joint account if you can.

Have a look on here to see how much benefit you'll be entitled to once you leave. Are your kids school age or nursery? If they're nursery age make sure you get the free funded hours.

Once kids ar in school/nursery have a look at training or working from p/t home jobs. My local MIND charity recently advertised a 1 day a week admin role. Jobs like this are ideal to build your confidence if you've been out of work for a long time.
If you can you stay in the house and he should leave as you have young children.

Itstimetoquit · 12/02/2021 12:03

Hi op how you doing x

Original poster
doodles111 · 12/02/2021 19:30

@Itstimetoquit

Hi op how you doing x
Not great @Itstimetoquit he's refusing to even speak about things today. We spoke briefly last night and he kicked off shouting that I can tell the children because this is my doing and basically trying to make me feel guilty for uprooting their lives I know he's saying it to get to me as the children are my world so it does make me think do I stay an plod along with him for their sakes?! My head is all over the place xx
OP posts:
MsDogLady · 13/02/2021 05:01

He set up this 1:1 outside-work relationship with this woman and lied that he was running alone. Angry that you rumbled him, he feels no remorse for his dodgy behavior or deception.

After the original lie, he has gaslighted, stonewalled, shouted, then stonewalled again.

Don’t let him bully and manipulate you, OP. You know that you all deserve better. He treats you with great disrespect and shows zero interest in the children. This is a very poor relationship/family model for them to learn from.

These are not the behaviors of a man who values his marriage and family.

Dopo · 13/02/2021 06:48

You deserve so much better.
Don't plod along with this horror any longer op.

He's making you tell the kids as a punishment/deflecting from what's really going on, he's a liar and emotionally manipulative.

He's lied about running alone, he's disrespected you in front of others for cheap laughs, he's previously swanned off and said he no longer loves you then a week later came snivelling back.
You've asked him why he lied and about his behaviour, his response to that was to shout and go sleep in the spare room.
Not normal behaviour.

Hey even if it's not anything going on, this is a shit husband. Get out while your sanity is still intact.

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