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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this be unreasonable?

80 replies

Whatnow21 · 09/02/2021 09:44

If a woman in her early forties met a man in his late 30's, then 6 months later she gets a life changing illness that makes her unable to have children.
He wants a family and has set up his life, career and home to be able to do so.
They don't live together but love each other and get along amazingly in every way.
WSBU to carry on with this relationship?
Or should she leave him be and let him carry on with his life the way he planned it? Even if it hurts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatnow21 · 09/02/2021 09:46

Should she leave despite him still making the effort and being supportive through her illness.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 09/02/2021 09:47

I think it's up to him really. Horrendous dilemma though.

PurpleDaisies · 09/02/2021 09:47

It’s his decision, not hers as long has he has all the facts about the situation.

Why are you asking? Is this your situation?

ClaryFairchild · 09/02/2021 09:48

I think she should end it for her sake tbh. At some point when the desire for children grows stronger I think he will call it quits and find someone younger. He has time on his side.

FelicityPike · 09/02/2021 09:49

She should talk with him frankly.
There are other ways to “have” children. Surrogacy or adoption to name 2.

PurpleDaisies · 09/02/2021 09:51

At some point when the desire for children grows stronger I think he will call it quits and find someone younger.

I don’t think many people leaving their infertile partners to find someone to have children with. Especially if they knew that was the deal from early in the relationship. Hmm

Bluntness100 · 09/02/2021 09:51

I think it’s his choice, as long as he knows, however I would say, having children in your early forties normally, even without an illness is not always a given.

unmarkedbythat · 09/02/2021 09:52

It's going to be his choice isn't it?

Would they explore other ways of becoming parents?

PurpleDaisies · 09/02/2021 09:53

If he was desperate for kids, why would he be in a relationship with someone in their early forties anyway?

WorraLiberty · 09/02/2021 09:54

Definitely his decision.

TinyCake · 09/02/2021 09:54

They need to discuss it honestly and with no judgement. He needs to be 100% honest about what he wants.

WorraLiberty · 09/02/2021 09:54

@PurpleDaisies

If he was desperate for kids, why would he be in a relationship with someone in their early forties anyway?
This is a very good point though
Pwee · 09/02/2021 09:56

It is his choice.

The only thing I would say is I know a lady in this situation (close family member). Her husband is younger and doesn't have kids, she is older and does but they are adults, she can no longer have children.

He is so supportive and has never, to my knowledge, made her feel anything other than loved and supported even if it's not how he initially planned his life. But I know that it does play on her mind a lot. She talks to me about it regularly, she worries all the time that he's pretending and will eventually leave to have children.

I don't actually think he would tbh. But my point was, it has affected her MH and confidence still even though he's been nothing but supportive.

honeylulu · 09/02/2021 09:57

If she was already in her early 40s when they met then he was already gambling a fair bit that they'd be able to have a family naturally. I know women do have children in their 40s but plenty try and don't succeed and there is less time to address any issues. I had a baby at 40 but that was after trying for 5 years and multiple failed pregnancies. My age was definitely a factor.

Swingometer · 09/02/2021 09:57

Well it is still early days in the relationship so may or may not work out in the longer term but I see no reason why the woman should feel obliged to end things straight away

As long as both parties are very honest with each other then the relationship may still work out. As the man is in his late 30s and doesn't already have a family then he obviously values being in the right relationship above his desire to be a Dad.

JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 09/02/2021 09:57

A man in his late thirties should know that a family with a woman in her 40’s is not guaranteed!

Fuckmyliferightnow · 09/02/2021 09:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleDaisies · 09/02/2021 10:00

Plus her illness could potentially shorten her life, possibly jeopardising adoption down the line.
Where does it say that? Most causes of infertility don’t affect your life span.

Original poster
Whatnow21 · 09/02/2021 10:05

The illness is potentially life threatening so would that affect future adoption choices?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 09/02/2021 10:06

What is it?

IthinkIm · 09/02/2021 10:08

They need a proper talk.

Original poster
Whatnow21 · 09/02/2021 10:10

@Bluntness100 exactly!

@Pwee I imagine it is hard and living with the guilt would be difficult.

@Swingometer good point.

OP posts:
Snofla4 · 09/02/2021 10:13

It depends how much he wants children surely? Also you long they have been together for.

SeasonFinale · 09/02/2021 10:15

Please don't let this be his Mum posting Confused

Original poster
Whatnow21 · 09/02/2021 10:18

@SeasonFinale lol not the mum!

The illness is early stage cancer that is curable but will leave her infertile.

OP posts:
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