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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this be unreasonable?

80 replies

Whatnow21 · 09/02/2021 09:44

If a woman in her early forties met a man in his late 30's, then 6 months later she gets a life changing illness that makes her unable to have children.
He wants a family and has set up his life, career and home to be able to do so.
They don't live together but love each other and get along amazingly in every way.
WSBU to carry on with this relationship?
Or should she leave him be and let him carry on with his life the way he planned it? Even if it hurts.

OP posts:
Dogsarehairy · 09/02/2021 11:13
  1. A woman in her early 40s with no history of successful childbirth has a limited chance of conception. Donor eggs would probably be the best option.
  2. Despite what they say not all cancers leave you infertile. My BFs daughter born 12 months after they told her she would be infertile and when she was early 40d (4th child) proved that. Obviously you don't say what the cancer is and what surgery would be required.
StressedTired · 09/02/2021 11:13

He might have planned for kids, but if he's been with you for this long and you love each other then he must understand the possibility of natural conception vs age. Like others have said, it could happen but it's difficult. There are other ways, egg donation, adoption, fostering, surrogacy, pets.
Re the illness though, if he loves you he would want to support you through this. If my partner was sick and broke up with me because they assumed I'd want to be released from the burden I'd be so hurt.
I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself by bringing the issue of children into the situation when you need to just focus on yourself and getting better. Sorry you are sick, I hope you recover soon!

Original poster
Whatnow21 · 09/02/2021 11:28

It's breast cancer.

@StressedTired I'd not really thought if it that way. Thanks.

OP posts:
Dogsarehairy · 09/02/2021 11:33

@Whatnow21

It's breast cancer.

@StressedTired I'd not really thought if it that way. Thanks.

My friends was breast cancer- she had chemo, radio and surgery.. The baby is now a teenager.
Bubblebu · 09/02/2021 11:38

i have had breast cancer and am in my 40s.
i have had my children (don't want more children indeed do not want to be in a romantic relationship)

All I would say is how incredibly vulnerable the woman would be to invest in that relationship on the risk that the man is strong enough both to accept he might not have children with me but also to stand by me through the breast cancer journey.

call me cynical but the woman would have to accept at the outset that there is a really high chance that eventually the man would go off with someone younger/much younger instead of her and the inevitable emotional consequences of that.

Nunoftheother · 09/02/2021 11:39

He wants a family and has set up his life, career and home to be able to do so.

What does this actually mean? He already has a nursery ready and waiting? He's chosen a career like teaching in order to have long holidays?

Nsky · 09/02/2021 11:40

I had an early menopause at 45, lots do earlier, very nasty.
Lots assume menopause will be later, it’s not always, luckily I never wanted more kids, nor had the man

GreenlandTheMovie · 09/02/2021 11:53

I wouldn't break up an otherwise happy relationship for this, no. The man has left it quite late in his life s life to have kids anyway, never mind his partner's and if it was that important to him, surely he would have started sooner.

Why is the OP framed in terms of what the man wants? It's a bit weird. Men don't always get they want in life, just because they are men. There are other important things in life too. I know many couples who are happily childless. Women in their twenties can fail to conceive. Treating women as breeding machines and leaving them because they might fail to reproduce isn't really worth encouraging.

SeasonFinale · 09/02/2021 11:57

Sorry to hear what you are going through. I hope you recover successfully and that the relationship between you is strong enough to survive what is being thrown at it. Flowers

Bubblebu · 09/02/2021 12:03

"Why is the OP framed in terms of what the man wants? It's a bit weird. Men don't always get they want in life, just because they are men. There are other important things in life too. I know many couples who are happily childless. Women in their twenties can fail to conceive. Treating women as breeding machines and leaving them because they might fail to reproduce isn't really worth encouraging"

This.
Idealistic but maybe it is the right attitude to have.
However the "clock is ticking" element for a lot of women does mean that if things do not work out and this man really does want children he will probably not have too much problem finding a younger woman who is the right "mindframe" (i.e not too fussed about the man just wants babies etc) to get together with.

I would agree tho that it is strange that he has left it this late, professes to want children (if that is what he has done) and is still in a relationship with someone who has been honest about potential obstacles to her own ability to conceive etc.

Query whether this guy is himself quite confused.

Dontknowmuchabouthistory · 09/02/2021 12:06

She should tell him the news so that he can make a decision himself. (In any event the couple should not be automatically assuming they would be able to conceive a child anyway).

If I felt that someone would stay with me anyway, but would be a fantastic dad and really longed for children, I would probably make the decision to end the relationship myself to enable him to meet someone else he could, hopefully, have children with. I also wouldn't want to be a burden to someone, especially someone in the prime of their life.

Bubblebu · 09/02/2021 12:09

What Dontknowmuch says.

Also bear in mind that if he does stay with her although he might not resent the lack of children in the initial future, further down the line and looking back on his life he might.
The other thing he "might" do is have a child with someone else whilst he is still with her............... not nice but does happen to some people....

PurpleDaisies · 09/02/2021 12:11

The other thing he "might" do is have a child with someone else whilst he is still with her............... not nice but does happen to some people....

Come on. How likely is that? You’ve been watching too many soaps.

Bubblebu · 09/02/2021 12:18

Purple, glad you have such faith that you think this only happens in soap operas.............

PurpleDaisies · 09/02/2021 12:20

@Bubblebu

Purple, glad you have such faith that you think this only happens in soap operas.............
I’m not saying that.

I just don’t think a particularly likely outcome of them staying together is him having a secret child with someone else. It is a ridiculous thing to suggest.

Bubblebu · 09/02/2021 12:23

Purple

likely is not a word I used.
The word I used was "might".

Original poster
Whatnow21 · 09/02/2021 12:33

Some very good points to consider. Some hadn't even crossed my mind.
I have a lot of thinking and talking to do.

OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 09/02/2021 12:42

My DH and I both had fertility issues, but the question of ending our marriage to find other people to have children with just never came up. It was our marriage that was non negotiable rather than having children.

CharlotteRose90 · 09/02/2021 12:47

That’s a horrible situation but in this case the decisions up to him and if I was the woman I’d let him go. I wouldn’t want anyone resenting me for not giving him the family he wants.

bestbitsbetter · 09/02/2021 12:47

@Snofla4, I won't lie, it really did knock me for a long time. It was a hard enough blow to find out that I'd never have my own children, let alone dealing with the break-up, the house etc.

Looking back, I know he made the right call. It would have led to resentment from him if he had stayed. I do wish he had spent a bit of time letting the news settle before fucking off, though. He occasionally tries to get in touch with me, but I don't respond.

@Whatnow21, you sound like a really lovely, caring person. You'll be reeling from the news and the worry. Be honest with your partner, have a good cry and tell him all those fears, doubts and pains. If he choses to stay, don't second-guess his decision and drive him away. Trust that he is a sensible, mature adult and can make up his mind about what is most important to him.

wednesday32 · 09/02/2021 12:48

there is no right or wrong answer to this dilemma, but you need to have an honest conversation with your partner about how important it will be to have children. Many couples decide to be together child-free, alternatively there is fostering, surrogacy, adoption etc so many options but really important to sit down and have that chat.

Original poster
Whatnow21 · 09/02/2021 12:54

Thank you.

Glad I posted, I posted in AIBU to get some honest opinions, fully ready to be flamed, but I've had some really helpful, lovely and honest replies.

I'm going to have a chat with him, but I should take the pressure off myself, it's hard enough dealing with cancer on it's own.

OP posts:
TheSoapyFrog · 09/02/2021 13:11

I've been with my partner for 19 months and I was honest with him straight away that I wouldn't be able to have more children. I have twins and he doesn't have any biological children at all.
I gave him ample chances to cut his losses and find someone that could give him children, but he said that his love for me is greater than his desire for children.
I guess it's easier as I do already have my sons. They love him as if he was their father (they've never met their own) and he loves them as if they were his own.

TheSoapyFrog · 09/02/2021 13:11

I hope you make a full recovery OP.Flowers

Dontknowmuchabouthistory · 09/02/2021 13:27

The illness is potentially life threatening so would that affect future adoption choices?

The illness is early stage cancer that is curable but will leave her infertile.

despite the shielding and hair loss and all the ugliness that comes with cancer, he's remained solid.
If you live in the UK, I am fairly sure if you have been told you have an early stage breast cancer which is curable, you won't also have been told it is potentially life-threatening. Is it you who are worried and have assumed it is potentially life-threatening? They didn't even tell my friend that when she had stage 3 BC that progressed (over 4 years) to stage 4.

If you have only been with your partner for 8 months during a pandemic and don't live with him, then you won't really have managed to get to know each other very well. It sounds like you have also actually had surgery (WLE?) and chemo (if you have hair loss) during that short time so won't have been focussed on getting to know each other.

I think, whether he wanted to finish with you or not, he would probably stay with you and show support during your treatment. Knowing he wants children, I think the fairest thing to do would be to finish with him. It is a very young relationship. I'm sorry but why should he have to sacrifice having children when he could meet someone else who can have children? I know it isn't fair if treatment makes you infertile but the situation isn't fair on him either.

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