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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this be unreasonable?

80 replies

Whatnow21 · 09/02/2021 09:44

If a woman in her early forties met a man in his late 30's, then 6 months later she gets a life changing illness that makes her unable to have children.
He wants a family and has set up his life, career and home to be able to do so.
They don't live together but love each other and get along amazingly in every way.
WSBU to carry on with this relationship?
Or should she leave him be and let him carry on with his life the way he planned it? Even if it hurts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatnow21 · 09/02/2021 10:18

They've been together 8 months.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 09/02/2021 10:19

Who are you in this story?

Original poster
Whatnow21 · 09/02/2021 10:20

I am her.

OP posts:
steff13 · 09/02/2021 10:20

This sounds like the plot of a romance novel.

Imloosingmyshit · 09/02/2021 10:21

His choice. Unless the woman decides to walk away. There are other ways to have a family though, although maybe not in the way you envisaged.

Snofla4 · 09/02/2021 10:24

Sorry to ask OP. Does your partner not know about your illness? The way you have put it should I carry on sounds as though he may not be aware.

Original poster
Whatnow21 · 09/02/2021 10:25

@steff13 doesn't it just

OP posts:
SoddingWeddings · 09/02/2021 10:27

We found out my then boyfriend was infertile after 2yrs. He begged me to leave him for someone who could "give me children".

We're now married no kids, no prospect of kids, and cracking on with life. There are some hard days, usually because I'm an idiot and still get my hopes up when my period is late but life is normal.

I'd rather have no kids with him, abd be with him, than have left and still no guarantee of kids with anyone and have lost him.

Original poster
Whatnow21 · 09/02/2021 10:28

@Snofla4 he's aware.

OP posts:
Snofla4 · 09/02/2021 10:29

What was his reaction?

PurpleDaisies · 09/02/2021 10:29

What does he say about the situation?

Original poster
Whatnow21 · 09/02/2021 10:32

@SoddingWeddings that's tough, I'm sorry to hear that.
I'm gutted that I'm infertile but the feeling of losing this is more upsetting tbh. I guess it's down to him now.

OP posts:
HighSpecWhistle · 09/02/2021 10:32

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

I would have a proper sit down chat. Explain that biological children is likely off the table now. That you would consider adoption (if you would) but that there are no guarantees this would happen.

That you really appreciate his support but that you acknowledge he may need to change his plans in terms of relationships and you'll understand either way.

If I were him, I'd hate to end the relationship but I think I'd have to. I've always told my partner that having kids is non-negotiable for me. I've just always wanted it. But I think you giving him "permission" may help him when it comes to actually deciding what to do.

No one wants to be the person that ends a relationship with an unwell person.

I really hope your recovery is as swift as possible and you hold up ok. Lots of love x

muppette · 09/02/2021 10:34

Have his children with egg donor and surrogate. Like gay men do. The technology and options are there.

Original poster
Whatnow21 · 09/02/2021 10:35

He's very supportive, lovely and wants to carry on, despite the shielding and hair loss and all the ugliness that comes with cancer, he's remained solid. He's such a lovely man.

OP posts:
Tal45 · 09/02/2021 10:39

That is so unfair, but I don't think you should feel that you have to end it. He knows the situation so he has the choice. There are other options and I'm sure there is far more to you than your fertility. Life is what happens while we're making other plans - it often really doesn't go the way you imagine it will. I'm sure you never imagined you'd be in this position either x

Original poster
Whatnow21 · 09/02/2021 10:39

@HighSpecWhistle my thoughts exactly.
I think I need a frank conversation with him, like you say no one wants to break up with someone that's ill.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatnow21 · 09/02/2021 10:41

@Tal45 Absolutely right, I never thought this would be me.
But I feel as if I'm being cruel and unfair by not ending it.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 09/02/2021 10:42

But I feel as if I'm being cruel and unfair by not ending it.

Do you think other women who discover they’re infertile when they try for a baby are cruel for not ending it with their husbands?

Affor · 09/02/2021 10:45

But I feel as if I'm being cruel and unfair by not ending it.

What would be cruel and unfair would be to unilaterally decide what is best for him. He is a grown man, and sounds a good one at that. Let him be in this relationship with you and decide things together,

Original poster
Whatnow21 · 09/02/2021 10:46

@PurpleDaisies no I don't.

We've been together 8 months, we hadn't made plans as it was early days, but he has spoken about kids and the reason he bought his house.
I do feel that if I were to end it, now would be the time before it goes to the next level and future planning.

OP posts:
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 09/02/2021 10:49

It is up to him but surely if you are already in your early 40s and haven't yet had children your odds of having them (eg your own eggs) were not great even without the cancer, he must have been aware of that anyway?

bestbitsbetter · 09/02/2021 10:52

When I found out that I was infertile, my partner at the time ended things the same day and moved out a week later.

We both wanted our own kids so much, and he just couldn't cope with knowing it would never happen for us.

I think you need to let your partner know the full truth and make up his own mind about what happens next.

Throckmorton · 09/02/2021 10:53

It's in his hands - you can't make the decision for him, as that in itself would be unfair. You can only make sure he knows the facts and then let him decide, and tell him you would understand whatever decision he makes.

Best wishes for your recovery, and hugs.

Snofla4 · 09/02/2021 10:57

@bestbitsbetter that sounds tough and very harsh! I can’t say he shouldn’t of made the decision to leave but it is very blunt Shock

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