Don't know what to do??

[gutsyb]

So, I've namechanged for this as it's very outing.

I have one DD with my DH and he has 3 DCs with his ex, we have both actively played a huge part in their lives- and rightly so- over the years. Don't particularly like his ex, just because I don't believe she is the best mum she could be. I don't voice this though or ever bad mouth her to the children- this is just my opinion, I was civil and pleasant when I did see her.

I love his DC and would say I'm a pretty good stepmum, i certainly have a very good relationship with the DC.
2 years ago due to reasons I won't go into two of his DC came to live with us full time- this was for their safety and that's all I'll say on that.

However for the last 2 years his ex won't engage with me or DH AT ALL, and I mean nothing. My DH will call to speak about the children and she won't answer, he will then text and she will read then ignore. She has contact with the DC once a week for 3 hours (totally her choice) she could have them more if she wanted to. She doesn't pay anything towards them and she works full time, she doesn't ask how they are or even phone and speak to them AT ALL, she doesn't even come to collect them she sends her mother. She will drop them off but just lets them out the car and drives off. She has never contributed to clothing them or getting them organised for school. She never calls or video calls or anything at all not even on their birthdays/Xmas. I just don't get it and don't know how to fix it. It can't be good for the DC to see this and I'm very conscious of that. We have both- me and DH- tried to talk to her many times, tried to explain that regardless of how we feel about each other we have to be civil for the DC sake but she just blanks it. No idea what else to do or whether we should just leave it as is.

Sorry for the long post just wanted to give as much background as possible. I've seen in the past how these types of threads go. So I'm hoping I get some good advice on here instead of the usual bashing that step parents usually get.
Thank you

It is not for you to "fix it". You cannot change her behaviour. Where does the third child fit into the arrangement?

No I know but for the DC sake wanted to at least try to.

DC3 is in care

I would say, as a foster parent who sees this quite a lot, you can't change her so I would leave it be. The children will grow up knowing you and their dad did everything in your power to maintain the relationship but it was her choice to do what she did. That said, I know how hard it is on the kids and on you both.

@gutsyb why is Dc3 in care and not with their father?

I just don't get it and don't know how to fix it.

You don’t have to get it or fix it. That’s your DH’s job. She really isn’t going to appreciate you sticking your nose in.

It's tough for us yes, but can imagine how much tougher it is on the DC, they shouldn't be seeing behaviour like that as we don't want them to think it's normal.
We have tried, so many times and it's draining to keep trying and getting nothing back.

Why has the third child been sent into care? Is your husband doing absolutely everything possible to get his child back?

Sorry OP, but I'm not going to engage in your discussion about how terrible a mum this woman is whilst your husband is only looking after 2 of his 3 children from that relationship because the 3rd has been left in care.

I think she should be paying maintenance, if this as the other way round we wpuld be saying that their dad needs to support them.
I also agree that its not your issue to fix, you sound like a lovely stepmum so id concentrate on doing the best for your kids

@MaskingForIt

It is my DH that tries to speak to her usually, I have tried once or twice, but bearing in mind that I'm bringing the DC up as my DH works full time I don't really see it as sticking my nose in. I'm trying to help and to make everyone's, but most importantly the DCs lives happier.

@MissSmiley
DC3 is in care due things that happened when they was all at home with the mother, which meant we was unable to take him to live with us due to the other DCs safety.

There’s an awful lot left out of this I think.

Like pp I can’t get past the one child in care situation.

@CakeIsEternal

I won't go into huge details about the third DC. But I will say we absolutely cannot have them living with us. And that's been ruled out by SS. So it's not a case of my DH leaving DC3 in care! It's a case of keeping his other DC safe.

There could be lots of reasons for why she acts like this, but I don't think you can fix it. You need to support the dc despite her actions.

@gutsyb I have experience of this scenario and my advice is that while it's generally agreed that any contact with the mother is a good thing, the older children/young adults I know in a similar situation felt much calmer once they had cut contact with their mother, it's a sad situation all round but you can't change her, do what you can for the children you can care for and your love and care will be the stability they need to cope with this otherwise very upsetting situation

@MissSmiley

I could say so much more but I'm being very careful of how much info I put on here.
The DC seem to enjoy going to see her so for as long as that happens we wouldn't really want to cut contact, but obviously if it ever came to that being in the best interests of the DC then we absolutely would do that.
It's so hard knowing what to do for the best, we are both very supportive of the DC and they know they can openly talk to us both- which they do regularly

@Mamette

There’s an awful lot left out of this I think.

Like pp I can’t get past the one child in care situation.

Really?

Doesn't take muchy imagination does it?

Op has talked about children's safety and the 3rd child not be allowed to be around the other 2.

hardly rocket science to work out what happened

Sounds like an incredibly sad situation for the DC and must have been pretty horrific if a child is in care.

As pp have said there really is nothing you can do here. Just be there for the DC as much as you can and try to bolster their self esteem so hopefully their lives won't be too messed up from all of this in the future.

It basically seems that something big happened, and overnight 2 children moved in with you and DH and the other child went into care and since then their mum has refused to speak to either of you?

If so, I would want more info on what happened, who was involved and what they did?
For instance their mum could blame you and DH if you called SS / the police.
She may be totally wrong, however she may believe she’s right..... and then you have both parties who are adamant they’re right.

I would just keep focusing on the children and leave her to crack on with things. To lose 3 children must be bloody hard so she’s either a bit evil and doesn’t care or she’s most probably really struggling with whatever happened.

@steppemum

Thank you. I think your on the right track. Obviously didn't want to put anything too specific on here due to it being very upsetting

@HitchFlix

Yes a very sad situation indeed, the DC have came on leaps and bounds in the last couple of years though, very proud of them. therapist helped massively as well as a very safe, happy, unchaotic home with rules and routine. So we are very hopeful they are going to be ok.

You can't fix it.
Concentrate on being the best mum You can be and support them with whatever contact they have with her.

Ignore those who have no idea what could lead to DC3 needing to be placed separately, sometimes separating siblings is the only solution.

I think that there isn’t much you can do to change the situation with their mum, and it could make things worse if you try.
However, I would ensure that the DCs are having all the help and support that they need from you and your DH. Including one to one time, plenty of opportunities to express themselves and some therapy. It sounds like things have been pretty traumatic.

@steppemum

OP posted that information after the comment you quoted. And I'm sorry if I dont just give the benefit of the doubt, but I've read posts on here too often along similar lines but they've only taken in one or 2 of the children and have farmed the other kids out to relatives or care because they dont want to have 3/4 kids in their house, dont want to move house to accommodate the kids, dont want to remove their kids from activities in order to afford to have all the kids. Some things I've read on here have been spectacularly selfish, so when someone says they've taken some of the kids and left others I dont always think "oh, something bad must have happened" because sometimes it is their choice to do that.

How is her mother with you at pick up? Could she be a way to get a better relationship going?
Kill her with kindness & it might filter back & improve relations. Would they both attend if you had a birthday tea or outing somewhere neutral ( after lockdown)? Maybe she's ashamed & worried there'll be a rehash of the incident 2years ago if she talks to you both? Having her mother there too would make her feel less nervous. The children do have positive adult figures in their life and if you stop trying so often, but be civil if there is a need to communicate, she might soften one day.

@Newfor2021

Something big did happen hence DC3 being in care and not being allowed round the DC.
We was the ones who contacted the police and SS and that's why the two DC came to live with us.
We know what happened and what they did, and it's absolutely not something that she can blame us for. It happened in her house and we only knew about it when the two DC confided in us.

I totally get she must be struggling but she's pushing herself away, when she doesn't need to be. She's alienating herself from her two DC when They need her support and love just as much as they need ours. She has another DC thats she has to someone else who is still in her care also.

It sounds as thought all 3 children should have been living with dad from the beginning, or from as soon as he realised there were problems and his children were suffering.

Whatever the mum has done, she obviously isn't made to be a parent. The 2 kids you saved in time have a stable home; trying to drag their mum into their lives (unwillingly) isnt going to be good for them. Just leave it. Keep the door open, answer all their questions, but stop trying to force a relationship with a woman whose parenting has left one child so messed up that they are now a danger to their siblings.