Don't know what to do??

[gutsyb]

So, I've namechanged for this as it's very outing.

I have one DD with my DH and he has 3 DCs with his ex, we have both actively played a huge part in their lives- and rightly so- over the years. Don't particularly like his ex, just because I don't believe she is the best mum she could be. I don't voice this though or ever bad mouth her to the children- this is just my opinion, I was civil and pleasant when I did see her.

I love his DC and would say I'm a pretty good stepmum, i certainly have a very good relationship with the DC.
2 years ago due to reasons I won't go into two of his DC came to live with us full time- this was for their safety and that's all I'll say on that.

However for the last 2 years his ex won't engage with me or DH AT ALL, and I mean nothing. My DH will call to speak about the children and she won't answer, he will then text and she will read then ignore. She has contact with the DC once a week for 3 hours (totally her choice) she could have them more if she wanted to. She doesn't pay anything towards them and she works full time, she doesn't ask how they are or even phone and speak to them AT ALL, she doesn't even come to collect them she sends her mother. She will drop them off but just lets them out the car and drives off. She has never contributed to clothing them or getting them organised for school. She never calls or video calls or anything at all not even on their birthdays/Xmas. I just don't get it and don't know how to fix it. It can't be good for the DC to see this and I'm very conscious of that. We have both- me and DH- tried to talk to her many times, tried to explain that regardless of how we feel about each other we have to be civil for the DC sake but she just blanks it. No idea what else to do or whether we should just leave it as is.

Sorry for the long post just wanted to give as much background as possible. I've seen in the past how these types of threads go. So I'm hoping I get some good advice on here instead of the usual bashing that step parents usually get.
Thank you

Just leave her to it and carry on being the best parent you can be to the children.

This is interesting. This is basically a woman/mother doing what thousands upon thousands upon thousands of absent fathers do.
I can't imagine there's anything you can do about it.

@CakeIsEternal

As soon as my DH knew of any problem he contacted the relevant authorities and dealt with it properly. So it's not fair to assume he could have done something sooner. No one had any clue it would have ever came to that. And he, and me included have a huge amount of guilt already wishing we had knew of the issues before they happened.

That's not to say that had he had all DC from a younger age that we could have prevented anything bad happening at all, but living like that thinking "what if" isn't fair on anyone.

Until we found out what happened there was no concern to any of the DC safety.

I too would just leave her to it and get on with your lives. You sound like a lovely stepmum who wants to do the very best in what sounds to be a difficult situation. Focus on your DH & the kids don’t try to take on more. If she’s not interested there’s not much you can do.

I don't think you can fix it, it will have to come from her. Maybe as it happened under her roof she feels guilty and this is the only way she can deal with it?

It sounds like you are providing the stability the children need. Plus the contact is working and enjoyed by the children even if it is limited. Personally I wouldnt rock the boat and just carry on as you are.

You are of course well within your rights to ask for maintenance.

@arethereanyleftatall

Yes, your right. It's not often it's reversed and it's the mother that's not making an effort. the replies have been equally as interesting because if this was me posting about a male/my children's father, I can guarantee the replies would be very very different

As has been said, I think you’ve just got to be there for those kids as much as you can, keep giving them opportunities to talk to you and to a therapist. Make sure the kids know none of this is their fault.

You can’t make his ex make better choices, sadly.

I know, I'm just worried that the DC seeing how little interest/input their mum has into their lives is going to affect them long term and given their already traumatic start that's not what I want for them

You can't change her unfortunately. Just do whatever's best for the children, so they know they have a loving stable home with you both

@CSIblonde

Sorry just noticed your comment
The mother is ok, civil but very much on her DD "side" so won't ever agree with us or agree that she could be doing more

We have invited them to birthday parties both her and her mum. The message got ignored and when we asked her mum at pickup she just said she would be in touch about it and never did.

Much like with absent fathers, there isn't anything you can do. You can't make her see the children if she doesn't want to. Tbh the less they see her the better, it sounds like she never really wanted to be a mother and doesn't have many maternal instincts. The children will realise this at some point.
Keep doing what you're doing because it sounds like you're a lovely stepmother to them

I think the child in care thing did need more info, as it sounded wrong at first blush. It also sounded as though that dc was the youngest for some reason and I’m assuming now they are the eldest and male?

Does sound unfortunate that Dad didn’t have them from the start but as you say it must have been difficult to know at the time.

I don’t think it would be different if a step dad in a situation where dad was absent posted this - he’d also be being told there was little he could do. And probably the only thing is to keep a stable home for those kids.

Even if it was a man you were talking about, it would make no difference.

You can't force somebody to spend time with their child, I know from experience. It's heartbreaking when you see it from the child's point of view but there is nothing you can do.

(In fact I imagine MN might - wrongly - be harsher on a step dad)

@gutsyb

I know, I'm just worried that the DC seeing how little interest/input their mum has into their lives is going to affect them long term and given their already traumatic start that's not what I want for them

@gutsyb it will upset them and hurt them a great deal that she has little interest in them, but you can't change that, other than to make sure they stick with therapy and provide a calm and supportive environment for them with their dad

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

I meant if I was posting about my DC absent father. Sorry maybe worded that wrong.

I think mothers who don't step up are pretty rare so not much is said about it. Whereas you regularly see threads on here about fathers not stepping up

@gutsyb I agree with your comment about this thread being different if it was about absent fathers. She is obviously a terrible mother/ person if she isn’t interested in her children at all. Regardless if she blames you or herself. You sound lovely and the two children are lucky to have you. Sorry no advice

@Gretafamily

Thank you, support is just as helpful as advice and I have had some lovely comments on here..really appreciate it.

Her being a woman makes zero difference - you can't force someone (male or female) to engage with their child/ren

Is there a reason why you aren't claiming maintenance?

You sound like a great woman and a very kind step mother.
It also sounds like a very difficult situation.

What a very tough scenario for you to have gotten involved with.

@pooopypants

No reason really other than thinking because she works part time and has a DC still living there that we wouldn't get anything or what we did get would be pitiful

I work for a children's home. We have so many children who have had to be separated from their family, often where the rest of the family or at least the remaining siblings stay together. I can think of so many scenarios with the kids in our care which has lead to this. Sadly it is not unusual and would only happen if there was no other choice.

I think some of you are giving the Op and her DH a hard time over something they would have had no control over.

But if her mother is colelcting them then I assume that the mother is still having contact with her DC. It seems like she is choosing to only have that contact rather than any form that makes her feel like it involves your DH and you.

She does still have a relationship with them of sorts and I am afraid you can't force her to make it anymore than she chooses to make it however much you feel it would be better for the DC.

There may be all sorts of reasons why she does not want involvement from you both. Maybe she is ashamed that whatever did happen happened while on her watch, maybe she is annoyed that your DH reported it and she has in effect lost her children. We don'y know. However as she is having some form of contact I don't think there is anything to be gained for anyone (not even the children) by trying to force her into having more or different contact.

@billy1966

It's been very tough, not just on me but on my Dc and my DH also. But no where near as tough as it's been on my stepchildren so I'm just thankful that we got them out that situation and are working towards them healing from what they went through..