Don't know what to do??

[gutsyb]

So, I've namechanged for this as it's very outing.

I have one DD with my DH and he has 3 DCs with his ex, we have both actively played a huge part in their lives- and rightly so- over the years. Don't particularly like his ex, just because I don't believe she is the best mum she could be. I don't voice this though or ever bad mouth her to the children- this is just my opinion, I was civil and pleasant when I did see her.

I love his DC and would say I'm a pretty good stepmum, i certainly have a very good relationship with the DC.
2 years ago due to reasons I won't go into two of his DC came to live with us full time- this was for their safety and that's all I'll say on that.

However for the last 2 years his ex won't engage with me or DH AT ALL, and I mean nothing. My DH will call to speak about the children and she won't answer, he will then text and she will read then ignore. She has contact with the DC once a week for 3 hours (totally her choice) she could have them more if she wanted to. She doesn't pay anything towards them and she works full time, she doesn't ask how they are or even phone and speak to them AT ALL, she doesn't even come to collect them she sends her mother. She will drop them off but just lets them out the car and drives off. She has never contributed to clothing them or getting them organised for school. She never calls or video calls or anything at all not even on their birthdays/Xmas. I just don't get it and don't know how to fix it. It can't be good for the DC to see this and I'm very conscious of that. We have both- me and DH- tried to talk to her many times, tried to explain that regardless of how we feel about each other we have to be civil for the DC sake but she just blanks it. No idea what else to do or whether we should just leave it as is.

Sorry for the long post just wanted to give as much background as possible. I've seen in the past how these types of threads go. So I'm hoping I get some good advice on here instead of the usual bashing that step parents usually get.
Thank you

From everything you’ve said OP, it sounds like you’re both doing an amazing job. Yes perhaps she blames you for losing custody of her 3 children but then she should of adequately cared for them, which she clearly didn’t.

[quote gutsyb]@pooopypants

No reason really other than thinking because she works part time and has a DC still living there that we wouldn't get anything or what we did get would be pitiful [/quote]
Your OP says she works full-time. Either way I'd still put in a claim for maintenance.

@Newfor2021

Yes I agree with this Definately wasn't adequate!! Should never have happened.

However it did happen, and we are just glad the DC opened up to us straight away or could have been a much worse situation.

She probably does blame us to some degree, but I just hope in time she realises we did what was best for the two DC at the time

In your OP, you stated she works full time, hence why I asked re maintenance. She should be paying towards her children - as absent fathers are expected to.

@TinyCake

I'm actually unsure if it's full time or partime, I know she works a few days a week as the day she has the DC often changes, but unsure whether it's long shifts which would make up a full time job, or just a few hours per shift.

Probably should speak to my DH about putting a claim in though, even if it's just to put away In an account for the DC

It sounds like the kids have two parents who love and care for them, ie you and your DH. It's a shame their bio-mother isn't a good parent too, but you can't fix that - what you can do is what you are already doing - be their parent and model good parenting and relationships to them. It sounds like the kids are in good hands!

It sounds ot me as if she balmes you for losing her kids as you were the ones who reported her.
Added to the fact that the kids are now livign with you.

I would think a huge head of anger and guilt is sitting with her.

Not much you can do. Love the kids, be nice to her and the grandmother, let the kids work out for themselves what she is really like.

You sound as if you and your dh are doig a great job.

I think you just have to carry on doing what you are doing, she's not suddenly going to become super mum.
It sounds like you are doing everything you can to provide them with love and stability.

If it was a disengaged father in this situation you'd get the same advice: stop trying to change them, keep being open and offering lines of communication (through the RP, not the step-parent), keep nurturing the kids, and put in a claim via CMS.

If you obsess over needing/wanting her to be different then the kids will pick up on it and it will make it harder for them to heal.

@Palavah

I had a whole paragraph written then deleted it as I'm not going to do this on here.
Your comment about communication being through the "real parent" as opposed to the "step parent" hit a nerve. Maybe that wasn't intentional though..
So all I'm going to say is I've had enough people throw in my face I'm not those children's real mother and believe me I'm very much aware that I'm only the step parent. I don't get involved when I don't need to or stick my nose in when it's not wanted, I'm not one of those stepmothers. But I am the main carer for those children as my DH works long hours. So despite what everyone thinks I do and will have a say for as long as I'm bringing them up. I've contacted their mother directly twice and it's been in a nice, non confrontational way, which was done to try and benefit the DC not to stick my nose in or get in the way.

So sorry about some of the responses here Op.
I have been in similar situation, when I was with ExH I was primary carer for DSD for 5 years. Contact with mum was sporadic (at best) because mum just couldn’t be arsed.
The short answer is you can’t do anything apart from what you are already doing, and be there to pick up the pieces. DSD loved and idolised her mum (which was right!) and it used to break my heart seeing her waiting at the door in her coat for her mother to suddenly ‘have to deal with an emergency’.
You love them, you care for them, you cuddle them and you let them know you are there for them. They can have a stable secure warm and loving base at home and fun with mum for a few hours when they see her and that has to be ok.
Vent on the step parent boards when you need to. Take care

I always thought RP meant Resident Parent.

Anyway, sounds like you are a lovely person who is trying to do their best in a difficult situation. The children are lucky to have you.

@Mooey89

Thank you! Didn't realise there was step parent boards or I would have posted there!

@TinyCake

It maybe does mean that too, but whenever I have seen RP it's been in reference to stepparent and real parent.

My Dad left when I was 4 and moved to a different country. I always wondered why he didn't bother with us but the truth was we would not have benefitted from spending time with him when we were little. He used to leave us in the house and go out and he couldn't look after a pot plant. It was different when we got older and could look after ourselves and just be mates with him but I suppose what I'm saying is try not to romanticise 'Mum' here - maybe that's all she can offer them at the moment.

They have two parents and a loving home which is enough.

And it's obvious you care about them and want them to have contact with their Mum (maybe more than she wants it). I don't know why people are getting at you!!!

To be honest it sounds like you’re doing all you can at this point.

You are facilitating contact and trying to keep everything neutral for the kids sake and this might just be as good as it gets.

She may not want to interact with you, she may blame you & DH, she may feel guilty and ashamed and defensive or she may just not want to be in contact with her ex other than the bare minimum she has to be.

Yes ideally it would be better if co parents could be amicable and polite but that’s not always the reality.

You can’t control anyone else behaviour so the only thing you can do is to maintain your own standards, DH should keep letting her know anything important via texts (like school updates as such) and you should continue to be pleasant and positive when the kids talk about their mum. That’s literally all you can do at this point.

You are entitled to put a claim in for maintenance if you so wish. Some parents choose not to if the situation is particularly precarious as they don’t see the value as worth the extra stress and potential upset to routine again. But only your DH knows if it’s the right thing to do.

Good luck, sounds like the kids are lucky to have you. Keep the higher ground whenever possible as it sounds like they really need a positive and neutral role model.

RP means resident parent and PP is right to an extent. Like it or not your DH and the mother have the relationship of parents and major decisions and discussions and communication really should go between them.

It’s not to suggest that you aren’t a parent to them, its not to down play your role or not take your opinions into consideration- it is to minimise the drama and backlash. Very few parents are going to want the new wife / step mother contacting them directly, unless you have a brilliant relationship. Not many have this and in your situation you definitely don’t.

PP wasn’t having a big about birth / step rights - it’s good advice

Don’t think you can make this better. Don’t get involved. Just care for the children that reside with you in the best way you know how. If the children are voicing concerns maybe they can send her a nice card or something asking to see more of her?? But DONT GET INVOLVED. it won’t end well at all. This is for your hubby to find a resolution or accept she is the way she is and keep being the best dad he can be.

I agree with the experienced foster carers on here - you can't fix this, she won't change, and if she does it will come from her, not anything you or your DH do, so all you can do is facilitate the relationship, try and disengage emotionally, and support your DSC.

In a way it's similar to scenarios where the absent parent after divorce is crap at contact arrangements etc. - the best approach is to detach emotionally but still allow them to see the child, and support the child when the parent inevitably lets them down. I know it's awful and painful to see a disappointed child, but getting more involved won't fix anything and will only lead to more anguish for both you and the children.

It must be very hard to have your children taken away from you. The OP has stated their mother is very much on the side of her daughters and she does have them weekly, albeit it for a few hours. It may well be that she does resent the OP for having her children virtually full time. She probably does suffer guilt too that what her son did to her daughters happened whilst in her care. Maybe being more involved with the OP and her husband (such as at birthdays) would just emphasise that she has lost her children.

I would assume the OP's DH and his ex both have mixed feelings about their son too. He's still heir son, no matter what. It's a very difficult and sad situation for all involved.

Could you get a court order for her to pay for the children is it CMS for parent's payments based on their income?

I know plenty of exs who have zero to do with their kid's parents and new partners. They swap the kids and that's it.

I think the main issue here is finances, you're paying for 2 extra kids here and need financial assistance off the other parent

Hi @gutsyb

I’m not nearly qualified to give advice here but I just want to say you sound like a brilliant stepmum to these children and what a relief they have you to support after that something that from what I can discern, sounds horrific.

@Hagqueen

Thank you for your kind words.
Really appreciate all the nice comments.

But I deserve no credit,these kids have been through so much and are such happy and easy to love children, it's them that deserve all the credit, I'm just trying to do my job as best I can, while making sure their loved and cared for.

I think you are going above and beyond for them. Unfortunately you can't force their mum to act in a way you would like them to even where you feel it is for the best interest of the kids. Just keep on being the loving stepmum you clearly are. The kids will know who was there for them and when as they grow older and they will choose the relationships they want to have with each of their parents (and that includes you too). I think you are doing a great job for them.