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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why i'm not succesful at work?

103 replies

malificent7 · 08/02/2021 10:55

I grew up with a strong work ethic, worked really hard at GCSEs and Alevels. Parents wanted me to be a doctor but i wanted to find my own path.
I was bullied really badly at school and after Alevels / start of degree my mh really started to decline. Ended up in hospital etc.
Despite this , i retrained as a teacher but I had a really hard time with people/ politics in placement and on my first job when I got pregnant which escalated into massive drama as usual due to mh.

I soldiered on in teaching after dd was born but ultimately the stress got to me.
I am now retraining in NHS and i love the course but on placements ive had a really hard time with people.
It's like my face never seems to fit, i get very anxious around people and i get bullied a lot. I did have one teaching job where i fitted very well and staff liked me but they couldn't guarentee the contract so i had to move on. Plus the kids were horrid to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 08/02/2021 10:56

I go for these types of jobs as i need financial stability in my life.

OP posts:
Mousehole10 · 08/02/2021 11:01

Maybe you’d be better off in a non-public facing role, perhaps in the private sector? From what you’ve said you’re similar to me. I’ve worked in both public and private and there is a big difference in the work culture. I get on very well in private sector jobs but not so much public.

Mummypigisalwaysright · 08/02/2021 11:05

When you say you're being bullied do you mean people being nasty, making rude comments, ignoring you?

Original poster
malificent7 · 08/02/2021 11:06

You might be right....seems a shame to waste my training though. I'd love to work from home.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 08/02/2021 11:07

Mummy...just general nastiness....i think the stress makes it worse.

OP posts:
unmarkedbythat · 08/02/2021 11:08

I think you're likely doing the wrong jobs for you.

There are other jobs with a similar level of financial stability and security that don't require the sort of skills that teaching, nursing, social work, psychology etc do. Civil service careers, business support/ data analysis careers in local government and the NHS and so on.

Ohalrightthen · 08/02/2021 11:09

It sounds like your mental health isn't really up to the task of these sorts of high stress roles. Are you on medication, or getting any kind of help?

FWIW, i thought i wasn't able to do my job properly. Turns out I'm EXCELLENT at my job, but need antidepressants to function properly. Just one of those things.

FieldOverFence · 08/02/2021 11:09

It's hard to tell really
How are you with people in your general life ? Other mums? people you meet socially or through hobbies ? I'm wondering is this a work-related thing, or a general social anxiety thing ?
In your NHS placements, what's been happening ? Are you not able to do what you need to do because others behavior ? Are you finding the atmosphere unfriendly ? Any particular incidents ?

lydia2021 · 08/02/2021 11:13

Hi, it's hard in any job that's stressful. Training for a new job is even more stressful. Have you tried to network in your jobs or join a womens network group. Supportive peers are a godsend. I dont feel it's your face that doesnt fit. It's just the culture of work places. Even politics or local government as we saw in the news. Remember other peoples opinion of you is irrelevant. It's how you are positive and proactive in your working life that counts. We cannot please everyone at work, nor should we have to. Destress with good uplifting music everyday

saturning · 08/02/2021 11:23

i am exactly the same as you OP. EXACTLY. its so hard and i feel like a failure.

I am on medication but it doesn't seem to impact on stress and difficulties i have at work.

i am so envious of friend and family around the same age as me who are soaring in their jobs and have been in companies 6+ years.

i get jittery, i'm scared of certain people and try so hard to get along with people but i just don't seem to find i click.

i'm now 40 years old and have jumped around jobs so much trying to find something that works. meanwhile, friends i graduated with are partners in dental clinics, senior associates in professional roles, are nurses with 14 years experience or are heads of departments in private sector companies.

i dont know what the answer is but i can't seem to find a space that works. Sad

AStudyinPink · 08/02/2021 11:24

Sounds like you struggle to handle your emotions when you’re under work stress. This can be as a result of examined beliefs.

  • Do you believe your time is valuable?
  • Do you believe you’re always right?
  • Do you believe you’re indispensable?
  • Do you believe you are inherently worse than other people at particular things?
  • Do you believe you can get better at things?
  • Do you believe you’re entitled to respect?

Etc. You might want to write down a list of beliefs you might need to challenge.

AStudyinPink · 08/02/2021 11:24

Sorry: unexamined

Annabell80 · 08/02/2021 11:26

I actually do think sometimes your face has to fit. My husband (several years ago) worked on checkout at a supermarket. Very good at his job, customers liked him but every time he went for promotion it went to someone else. Even though he had more experience and it always went to a young person.
He does a different job and has gained a promotion.
I'm sure the right job is out there and try not to let a bad placement put you off. If you do want to WFH that should be easier now as many people are. Any computing job or even teaching can mostly be done from home.

AdventureIsWaiting · 08/02/2021 11:31

I think it's a case of finding the right job / work environment. There are other sectors out there that provide some stability. What stands out for me is that you have chosen two very busy sectors with a lot of people contact; do you enjoy dealing with people? Why not look for something where you have less contact time?

Original poster
malificent7 · 08/02/2021 11:34

My recent placement was my most succesful...i had some lovely feedback...proactive, keen friendly etc.

I went for an interview there as loved it....didn't get it. Got good feedback but i need to listen more to interview questions before diving in.

One of the interviewers made fun of me slightly the day after my interview saying I should take over from the surgeons...now i realise it's because i did badly...not well at interview.

My placement before was a disastour. The manager scared me...rude and aggressive. Her henchman micromanaged me for 3 straight days then gave me bad feedback for performance...igo to pieces when micro managed. Always worried about being a target.

Most of all i just don't enjoy work because of the above issues.

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Pyewhacket · 08/02/2021 11:34

You faced bullying in the NHS ?. You need to report that immediately. We've done an awful lot of work on staff retention and to ensure that students and newly trained staff are treated properly and with respect. So please, don't be afraid to speak to your mentor and raise any issues you may have.

korawick12345 · 08/02/2021 11:41

A couple of things jump out from your last post.

"One of the interviewers made fun of me slightly the day after my interview saying I should take over from the surgeons...now i realise it's because i did badly...not well at interview.'

I am not sure how you have come to that conclusion from what she said. It sounds more like you are potentially a bit of a 'know it all' and she was being a bit sarcastic about where you see yourself in the pecking order as it were.

'My placement before was a disastour. The manager scared me...rude and aggressive. Her henchman micromanaged me for 3 straight days then gave me bad feedback for performance...igo to pieces when micro managed. Always worried about being a target.'

Talk of a 'henchman' makes it sound rather overdramatic. It is not massively unusual to be closely managed when on a placement. The whole point about being on placements is that you are still learning.

What is the role you are currently training for?

WitchesGlove · 08/02/2021 11:46

Is it possible that you have autism, OP?

Have you spoke to a counsellor about the bullying issues?

I would also join a union for support (if current one is no good, join another one).

A session with a careers coach to boost your confidence?

Triffid1 · 08/02/2021 11:46

Mmm, I don't want to downplay your struggles but do you think it's possible that you're over sensitive? I've worked in a lot of places and as a rule, true nastiness and bullying happens everywhere, yes, but it's not the norm. ie, there might be one or two people who are unpleasant but the vast majority are perfectly pleasant and fine. So for you to constantly experience this level suggests that people most of us would find just fine, you find difficult.

And I do agree with a PP that the comment re you should be the surgeon does suggest that you come across as a bit of a know it all. That may well be unfair, but it is something you should think about.

blue25 · 08/02/2021 11:47

@malificent7

My recent placement was my most succesful...i had some lovely feedback...proactive, keen friendly etc.

I went for an interview there as loved it....didn't get it. Got good feedback but i need to listen more to interview questions before diving in.

One of the interviewers made fun of me slightly the day after my interview saying I should take over from the surgeons...now i realise it's because i did badly...not well at interview.

My placement before was a disastour. The manager scared me...rude and aggressive. Her henchman micromanaged me for 3 straight days then gave me bad feedback for performance...igo to pieces when micro managed. Always worried about being a target.

Most of all i just don't enjoy work because of the above issues.

Sounds like you’re coming across as a know it all. That’s never going to go down well! Perhaps work on your listening skills & humility.
Original poster
malificent7 · 08/02/2021 11:51

I son't come accross as a know all i don't think on placement...quite the contrary..very keen to learn and take on feedback. I certainly didn't know all of the interview questions. And in the context of when that was said it was as i wanted to learn more...not that i knew it all already.

I can face a bit of nastiness but i do think i sm quite sensitive due to past.

And i tried talking to my placement mentor in 1st year...not interested and several students were also bullied and noone had our back.

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Original poster
malificent7 · 08/02/2021 11:51

Don't *

OP posts:
dhony · 08/02/2021 11:53

I did my nurse training and come across loads of nasty people, some placements were unbearable. I couldn't believe the things people would come out with . I remember when I qualified and was obviously asking a few questions , I said to the ward sister I am just going to do this bladder scan then ( I was talking to her at the time ) anyway she said are you ok doing it? I said yeah I have done them lots before . She then said I'm surprised as you need help with everything else . I got a band 6 job after 1 year qualified and she couldn't quite believe it she would say so it's a band 6 then? ( the tone was similar to when she questioned me about the bladder scan like in disbelief.

I have been in my post 3 years private sector and have never had any nastiness but all through nhs I never seemed to fit

Original poster
malificent7 · 08/02/2021 11:54

I know on placement we have to be closely observed but my learning suffers like that...i did lots better on my last placement when people stepped back. Being micromanaged makes me very anxious and more prone to error and yes...I am aware that i need to work on this.

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dhony · 08/02/2021 11:54

@malificent7 there's some truly nasty mean people in the nhs. I'm sure they take pleasure out of putting others down. It's not you it's them!