To wonder why i'm not succesful at work?

[malificent7]

I grew up with a strong work ethic, worked really hard at GCSEs and Alevels. Parents wanted me to be a doctor but i wanted to find my own path.
I was bullied really badly at school and after Alevels / start of degree my mh really started to decline. Ended up in hospital etc.
Despite this , i retrained as a teacher but I had a really hard time with people/ politics in placement and on my first job when I got pregnant which escalated into massive drama as usual due to mh.

I soldiered on in teaching after dd was born but ultimately the stress got to me.
I am now retraining in NHS and i love the course but on placements ive had a really hard time with people.
It's like my face never seems to fit, i get very anxious around people and i get bullied a lot. I did have one teaching job where i fitted very well and staff liked me but they couldn't guarentee the contract so i had to move on. Plus the kids were horrid to me.

You mention your work ethic, etc early on so I wonder if there is a disconnect between what is seen as the right way to do things in the public sector roles versus the ideas you have in your head?

What I mean is that work in the private sector is organised and delivered differently to the public sector - the focus is different and results determined in private whereas I think public is more defined by policy? I thrive in a private setting but struggle in public.

I think a lot of people (especially women) have fallen for the Be Kind mantra - as if being kind will be enough to be successful in the workplace as valuable.

Workplaces (and I really think it is the majority - as you are finding) are highly competitive, and not all sweetness and light. People will use put downs, people will criticise work, people will not be fair...and somehow you need to be able to deal with that without breaking yourself.

I would think about your expectations of other people some more - are they realistic? Are you expecting a fully rational, fair and non-competitive work environment?

If you are, the only way to go someway of getting that is to set up a business for yourself and be your own boss.

The thing is...it took me ages to work put that I am jot great with people. When I was younger i think i was a people pleaser...which i mistook for being to handle them well.

Some people are lovely and i have some great friendships with peers...it's hierarchy i struggle with. I respect people but i get intimidated by power.

One of the interviewers made fun of me slightly the day after my interview saying I should take over from the surgeons...now i realise it's because i did badly...not well at interview.

I don't understand this or your interpretation.

If you know your past experiences are making you more sensitive, it's better to learn how to separate those reactivated old feelings and assess the present more objectively. Rather than allowing everything to blow up into more than it is because you're either reacting to something in the past rather than the present or reacting to what you're imagining people think instead of what they actually say. Jumping ship each time your past is triggered will entrench these issues.

I'd love to be my own boss in the future but not in the right place right now.

It all depends on how you define success OP and that is different to everyone. Some people define being successful at work as climbing the ladder, high salaries etc. Some people define it as being happy and being paid to do something they enjoy, others see getting up, going in every day and bringing home enough to take care of their responsibilities as a success.

I'm probably projecting her, but you say your parents pushed you into being a doctor. You wanted to find your own path, but it doesn't really sound like you have. What would make you really happy? What do you enjoy? What do you hate? Ignoring what qualifications you have, what you've done in the past etc, what would you do if you honestly had your own way?

I did a lot of navel gazing in the last few years. I've come to change how I view being successful. I am happy to not climb the ladder because I don't do well with the pressure and responsibility that comes with it. I earn enough to meet my families needs and have a reasonable standard of living while doing something I enjoy. At 5pm, I close the door on work and forget about it. I have a work life balance. I don't work a lot with other people and that suits me well as I am quite anti social. But again, it is not a personal failing. I am happy and to me that is a success.

@malificent7 it will get easier try and chat to as many senior people that you can. I now have absolutely no issues communicating with our head of clinical services . On texting terms with matron etc.

So a number of posters have mentioned things that it could be and you have already dismissed them saying you don't think it's that. You may not like being micromanaged but they may consider that at this point that is what is required. You say you know there are things that you need to work on but you also seem very keen to place the blame for your problems on external sources.

What is the role you are training for?

Ididn't jump ship though...the comment just struck me as weird.

My experience of MH nursing placements, was that there's a big mix of great placements with supportive staff and terrible placements with burnt out staff on power trips. When I trained there were certain wards and teams where all is students got a hard time and didn't enjoy it. Might be worth chatting broadly with other students to see how they experience the same placements.

I do think to some extent it's about finding your 'niche', where you enjoy working and with the team that's the right fit. When I trained I had two placements I loved, three terrible placements I dreaded going in for and the rest were alright, ups and downs but I wouldn't want to work there. My closest friend in training actively disliked every placement until her final one in third year, which she bloody loved and got a job there. By this point she was at the end of her tether wondering why she had bothered training and what the hell she would do when she qualified!!

Do you think it's possible you have autism? Misreading situations, feeling out of place, Perhaps being misunderstood could be an indicator. I could obviously be very off the mark.

You say you know there are things that you need to work on but you also seem very keen to place the blame for your problems on external sources.

Unfortunately, the more you post, the more true this becomes.

People are gonna do what they do, at some point of maturation, we have to accept that, or else be stuck in permanent anxiety and 'victimhood'

My change of attitude came from doing a job I absolutely hated for two years. I spent most of it thinking "If I did X,Y or Z it would be better". It also didn't help my colleagues were the sort of people who were willing to work 20 hour days and I wasn't.

Finally I realised, this job is not right for me. That didn't mean there was anything wrong with the job or me. We just weren't the right fit.

It's hard OP, because some of the effects of bullying can perpetuate the cycle. I have no idea if this is the case for you of course. Bullies tend to seek out people who start with lower confidence (maybe they have problems at home such as being a young carer) or people with additional needs or difference. Then the bullied person in order to avoid future targeting adopts strategies such as hiding their true personality, staying on the periphery, over thinking peoples motives and conversations. And those strategies continue to undermine their confidence and progress. We operate in a judgemental world where our assertiveness, boundaries and core self esteem make a big difference to how others treat us, creating a vicious cycle or a virtuous cycle.

@malificent7

I know on placement we have to be closely observed but my learning suffers like that...i did lots better on my last placement when people stepped back. Being micromanaged makes me very anxious and more prone to error and yes...I am aware that i need to work on this.

So it's not that you were being micromanaged but that the anxiety you feel when being observed and receiving feedback is unmanageable to you?

I genuinely don't think you're helping yourself by characterising everything that causes you anxiety and distress due to your past (and the way that makes you think in the present) as bullying.

There are lots of things within your power that you could work on yourself to change how you feel in these kinds of situations, to make them more manageable and to get better outcomes. But if you always characterise triggering or uncomfortable situations as "bullying" and leave your job you'll never get a better outcome and will just deepen your belief that "everyone" in power bullies you (they're not) or that you'll "never" fit in or be good enough anywhere (also not true).

@malificent7

I'd love to be my own boss in the future but not in the right place right now.

I think this is extremely telling. It sounds like you are just pretty bad with authority and people telling you what to do. Both schools and the NHS are large organisations that are extremely hierarchical by nature so if you do have a problem with authority and being bottom of the pecking order then it is unlikely you will find yourself fitting in easily

I son't come accross as a know all i don't think on placement...quite the contrary..very keen to learn and take on feedback.

^ This, plus the fact that you mention anxiety, makes me wonder something:

At work people like to be part of a strong team, they like people who they feel are a good amount of confident, people they feel they can rely on, people who get the job done. (I’m not saying this is necessarily a good thing, and tip it too far and you have arrogance and over confidence especially men .)

If you’re coming across as anxious then maybe people are thinking they’ll have to hold your hand too much and give you too much of their time In support so they’re pushing you away.

Asking for help is the right thing to do, so don’t change that. But when you don’t need help do you tackle tasks with confidence? Do you think people feel you have an air of reliability and competence? (If not, that could be something you work on?)

Of course i look at internal sources too...hence therapy, medication etc. I always ask for feedback and do weekly reflective journals...i didn't find it easy at first but easier now.
The reason why i don't think i came across as a know all in that situation is that myself and another colleague identified theatre as a weak spot that i needed to work on...i was just being super keen to go up to theatre that day to learn more. If that makes me a know all then i'll own that!

One of the interviewers made fun of me slightly the day after my interview saying I should take over from the surgeons...now i realise it's because i did badly...not well at interview.

This stuck out to me too, it sounds like the interviewer saw you as a bit of a 'know it all' (hate the phrase but can't think of another hah). From your replies as well you don't seem to be taking on board anyone's views or opinions, would you say you can be like this at work too?

Also being observed is a fundamental part of healthcare training, and it will, to an extent carry on through your career. Are you maybe just choosing jobs you aren't naturally suited to? Nothing to do with capabilities, but sometimes certain jobs are more suited to us for other reasons.

I think it’d be worth seeing a career coach to find out what roles are available in the labour market now that would suit your skills set, and seeing your GP too to rule out depression. On the basis of your updates I would also be seeing if I could be assessed for autism.

It’s not usual to face that many unpleasant colleagues- though I accept none of us are in the situation but you- but I wonder if because you’ve been bullied you are defensive; this may get people’s backs up.

My DSis was sadly bullied at school; it’s made her incredibly defensive and hard to have rational conversations with as she just gets angry and thinks she’s being lectured or told off when she isn’t. Worth thinking about.

I have good feedback on team work but i do get that if you are anxioys then you are not as " solid" abd dependable.

The pattern you described in your op is of jumping ship every time this stuff gets triggered for you. It's good if you're going to break that pattern where you are now.

How did you make the leap that the comment about the surgeons (which presumably had some kind of context you haven't shared) to it meaning you did badly at interview despite the fact you were specifically given good interview feedback?

That's not a helpful way of thinking - you're effectively trying to twist everything to make it fit your negative view of yourself and others. Why hurt yourself like that?

I have no idea user tbh!

It does sound like you have some stuff to work on, OP. You can’t work in a healthcare and not expect scrutiny. It’s essential and not personal.