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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask who you had at your DC’s birth and do you regret it?

130 replies

mojitosnow · 08/02/2021 08:10

Inspired by quite a few threads I’ve seen recently about birthing partners etc. I realised that over the years I’ve seen a fair amount of MNers saying that they had their MIL, SIL etc present at the birth and I could never imagine having them there during labour even though I am very close with my ILs!

So thought it’d be interesting to have a thread on who you had at the birth and why, and if you’d change it looking back. I had my DSis and DH at the first birth and DH (a very lovely helpful man at all other times!) was just awful, he completely panicked and couldn’t cope. So for the rest I either had DSis or went in on my own, I’ve had very quick births so DH didn’t miss much and I wouldn’t change a thing Grin

What about all of you?

OP posts:
daisyjgrey · 08/02/2021 13:19

I had my husband (now ex) and my mum and if I'm honest neither were useful. My ex was never any use with things like that anyway and I don't really know why mum didn't seem much help, she's normally great and we're quite close.

I'm quite independent when I'm in pain so maybe that was the issue, I think I just mentally shut everybody out. It was a traumatic birth and I resent that nobody told me honestly what was happening ("no, you're fine, just sorting out a little bit of bleeding" which was in fact a sizeable haemorrhage) and things like that.

My fiancé now is a totally different person who supports me completely differently mentally and physically and he knows me a lot better, so I would have him there if I were to have another. He would be a good advocate if I was unable to do it myself.

VinylDetective · 08/02/2021 13:22

Just my ex, the baby’s dad. I’d have rather had my mum to be honest.

Cotswoldmama · 08/02/2021 13:29

Just my husband. Although my first was premmie so about 10 doctors/ nurses/ midwives and a few students I think as well! My second felt so strange just having my husband and a midwife that was only in and out fleetingly!

OloBo · 08/02/2021 13:32

Just DH and midwife foe the first two, there was a midwife student or something the last time (can’t say I was too fussed about the specifics, haha)

I can’t imagine having anyone else there. It was all very intimate. DH was ok the first time, really helpful by the time we got to the third labour.

Bayleaf25 · 08/02/2021 13:32

Just DH and medical staff. I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else there either.

BingBongToTheMoon · 08/02/2021 13:33

No one.
I had a section under general.

PatchworkElmer · 08/02/2021 13:39

Just DH. I’m glad he was there (though I think I would’ve been ok alone) as I lost a lot of blood and he was brilliant at taking DS whilst I got myself together.

PatchworkElmer · 08/02/2021 13:41

Oh and loads of medical staff because DS had a cord round his neck, and was born right on shift change. 13 midwives at one point 😬

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/02/2021 13:46

Dh was at the birth of all three of our dc - and a close friend, who was training as an NCT antenatal teacher and needed to observe a couple of births, was there for the third (ds2 and ds3 were born at home).

Both dh and the friend were supportive and really helped me, so I have no regrets.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 08/02/2021 13:51

With dd1, nobody - dh was an 8 hour flight away and although I got on well with both, I really didn’t want my DM or my MiL. TBH it was fine.
For dd2, just dh.

piglet81 · 08/02/2021 13:56

DH, and assorted midwives over the course of the (loooong) labour, plus however many doctors/anaesthetists etc it takes to do an emcs. By that point I was not exactly with it.

You couldn’t pay me enough to consider having my mum or mil in the room!

MrsMop1964 · 08/02/2021 13:57

Just DH but if I had it to do again (thankfully I'm past it) I'd rather be left on my own because it's just someone else to think about when I'd rather concentrate on the 'matter in hand' . I think it was just the 'done thing' for the dad to be there and it never really dawned on me not to do it. In that respect I now see my mum's point of view-she was glad it wasn't a thing when she had me in the sixties.

Nellephant · 08/02/2021 13:59

DP and the midwives.

We paid £££ for a doula but I sacked her (well, asked reasonably politely that she leave the room) when in transition as I just wanted as much privacy as possible.

LaBellina · 08/02/2021 14:03

I had DH and a female only medical team in the room (midwife, 2 ob gyns, 2 anesthesiologists and a nurse). They were all lovely and very caring/encouraging. During my pregnancy I thought that I would want my best friend there be as well but changed my mind after I told her I wanted an epidural and she tried to make me feel guilty about this idea by saying that my baby would be damaged by this. Our friendship has never fully recovered from this and I’m glad that in the end she wasn’t there. DH was wonderful and supportive.

Poppins2016 · 08/02/2021 14:10

@JeanClaudeVanDammit

Just DH. He was mostly sat in the corner, not because he was useless but because I go into myself when in pain and can’t imagine anything worse than someone talking to me or touching me all the way through. I didn’t need or want anyone else there. However I gave birth on a labour ward with 2 midwives in the room almost all of the time, perhaps I might have felt differently if we were in the unit where you’re kind of left to your own devices.
I had a very similar experience. I didn't want to be touched and just withdrew into myself and went with it. I was in a pool, DH watched from a corner (then the side of the pool when birth was imminent) and the midwife was quietly on the other side of the pool.

I'm now pregnant with my second and I know I'd like a similar birth, but I've also realised that I'd be happy to give birth without DH (e.g. if he was needed for childcare due to the pandemic). I'm really only bothered about DH being there if he wants to be (I'd be sad on his behalf if he wanted to be there and missed it), but as it stands he hasn't made up his mind one way or the other. It's still early days in any case (only 10 weeks pregnant), so this is all hypothetical....

Twobrews · 08/02/2021 14:18

For me it's far too intimate to share with anyone I'm not otherwise that intimate with.

Yes, this is how I feel. Anyone is welcome to visit afterwards but for me the birth is private. I'd have been quite happy just in a room on my own.
As a matter of fact seeing my parents/in laws and DC when I was in labour actually stopped my contractions every time.

LouNatics · 08/02/2021 14:21

First DC - just me and one midwife
Second DC - just me
Third DC - me, two midwives, DH and older DC.

It was quite a crowd the last time, don’t regret it.

hulloall · 08/02/2021 14:25

Just my partner with me for both.

So glad it was just him as I had my legs being held in the air and about 10 doctors/nurses looking up my vagina the first time before going in for an emergency c section.

2nd time just ne and him for a planned C section and it was so relaxing and lovely.

ILoveAnOwl · 08/02/2021 14:33

DS: three midwives, husband and my mum. Home birth so Dad was in the next room.
DD: literally my husband and I as he delivered her!

Angel2702 · 08/02/2021 14:36

My Mum and H. I was adamant with my eldest it was just going to be H. My Mum dropped us to the hospital and I was being sick with every contraction so she ended up staying and helping. Was really useful having her there especially afterwards she helped me shower to free to midwife and H got to dress baby and spend some 1-1 time.

RosieLemonade · 08/02/2021 15:30

I had DH. To be honest I hardly remember him being there. Like PP I really went into myself and it felt quite animalistic. I kept going to the bathroom so I could be alone. Which is very unlike me. I spent most of my labour trying to be alone and didn't want to be touched.

EdersonsSmileyTattoo · 08/02/2021 15:43

Just DH.

MIL & SIL were fuming that we didn’t tell them Id gone into labour as we knew they would have just turned up.

DM just wanted to come once DS was here safe & sound.

DamnUserName21 · 08/02/2021 15:52

My ex partner. I had an audience for nearly 24 hours. He just watched and did nothing.
Never never again.

Londonmummy66 · 08/02/2021 15:59

Just 2 independent midwives DH was downstairs eating all the chocolate biscuits. He hates the sight of blood so he really wouldn't have wanted to be in the room and I think it is easier tbh if they're not there so you don't need to pretend you're not in pain when you feel like screaming etc.

Cowmilk · 08/02/2021 16:01

Dc1: Dm. Both were there with me but it ended in c-section and I was only allowed one person. I had discussed it with dh before hand and he was very happy to hear I preferred dm to be with me in case of c-section. He told me, he would genuinely prefer not to see me in any pain and come after baby was born. I said that was extreme just sit out c-section.

Dc2: Dm. I learnt from ds1 labour I take days to give birth. So Dm and dh split day shift and night shifts. I didn’t want all of us to be exhausted at the same time. Son just ended up being born when Dm was there.

Dc3:Dm. Because dh had gone to visit family abroad while I was 33 weeks and he was born prematurely.

Dc4: Dh. He says he realised it would have been better if he was there for the others. It was a c-section.