To ask who you had at your DC’s birth and do you regret it?

[mojitosnow]

Inspired by quite a few threads I’ve seen recently about birthing partners etc. I realised that over the years I’ve seen a fair amount of MNers saying that they had their MIL, SIL etc present at the birth and I could never imagine having them there during labour even though I am very close with my ILs!

So thought it’d be interesting to have a thread on who you had at the birth and why, and if you’d change it looking back. I had my DSis and DH at the first birth and DH (a very lovely helpful man at all other times!) was just awful, he completely panicked and couldn’t cope. So for the rest I either had DSis or went in on my own, I’ve had very quick births so DH didn’t miss much and I wouldn’t change a thing

What about all of you?

ExDP (we'd split up during pregnancy), and DM who wasn't supposed to originally be there. But could hardly say 'off you go now' 5min before baby was born. She totally would have if I'd asked! But by that point I was grateful she was with me (and I couldn't have give a shit who was looking at that point 😅). Although she does love to tell the 'birth story' whilst I'm very 🙄

Just DH. It didn't cross my mind for a second to include anyone else. I barely noticed him there, I'd have been fine alone.

Just DP, who was as unbothered about it as I knew he would be.

My mum didn't even know I'd gone to be induced - I did not want to be providing updates.

My ex was the only person present at the birth of my DD. Despite being a pretty poor dad in many other ways he was actually relatively good in that scenario all things considered.

But I have to say and I'll probably get flamed if I had any more kids (which I won't), I wouldn't want my partner there for it. I think the whole birthing partner thing is a big ask of anyone and I question whether its all its cracked up to be.

Although I'm a fully paid up feminist I wouldn't ever want a man with me at another birth. Its a shocking visceral and potentially traumatic thing to witness your partner going through and it does change the nature of the relationship and not in a good way. I just don't think its great for a sexual or romantic relationship.

I also struggle to see why a man other than a medical professional who knows exactly what he's doing can be helpful during a birth. They can't begin to empathise with it as they will never go through it and their general urge to be problem-solvers and dispensers of well-meant but ill-received advice will always only get in the way and create friction.

I actually wouldn't want anyone other than medical professionals at another birth. I think its a bit of a fiction that anyone can ever really join you in the weird, primal headspace it puts you into. Even a mum or a best friend will probably only get in the way.

Husband for the first one, who has good but didn't feel I needed him there. I'm not very good with people around me when ill or in pain, so to be honest I'd have rathered everyone bugger off, midwives and all. Due to circumstances, just the midwives for the second. The thought of anyone else would utterly horrify me and not allow me to concentrate on what needs doing. It's called labour for a reason, not 'the miracle of birth show'.

It's so personal and can go wrong there is no way I'd want any one else there apart from dh.

In laws after the birth was horrific I'd rather not have that either.

I had DH - who largely let me get on with it (my choice not his ineptitude). Wouldn’t have wanted any other spectators.

We had a conversation once where DH asked if I wanted my DM there. TBH, I’d rather have had my DF as he was a nurse and calm and practical, my DM would have been a hysterical distraction.

I've seen some terrible ones on one born every minute that make me feel so sorry for the woman giving birth.

The people my dh was utterly amazing during my labour! He massaged me constantly for hours, didn't have time to eat for hours and hours... He was an amazing support and it didn't change us at all.

1st DH and DM and way too many drs, midwives and students!
2nd Best friend who I quickly replaced with DM as friend was useless and she's a qualified nurse
3rd DH

Just myself, + midwives , Dr in hospital. Happened v quickly. Was perfect tbh.

Dh and my mum. I had planned a homebirth with dd but at 36 weeks my BP went haywire and I was in and out of hospital, my mum was incredibly supportive all through the pregnancy, I had HG and she kept me going! My waters broke at 4am and mum came over, by 8 am I was in agony and we went to hospital. Hospital were very dismissive and I had to beg for pain relief, grudging given morphine and kept on antenatal ward. An hour later I started crowning and all hell broke loose..... Dh was with me on the ward and we were rushed to delivery....mun was in the waiting room and we collected her on the way. I was so glad to have her and dh with me, dd was born a few minutes later!

DH and medical team.
Interesting to read of other women saying they could have done it easily without their partner. I don’t think I could have but that’s because she was a pandemic baby and I didn’t want to go into hospital to be turned away or DH have to go home and come back. Ended up being 7cm upon arrival at hospital and in a lot of pain. I needed him there at that point to talk to midwives etc as I was beyond talking and it was happening so quickly that they wouldn’t give me proper pain relief as it would risk slowing things down. The birth was kind of traumatically quick and intense so I did need him there.

My mum at my first birth and partner my second. Wanted my mum and partner at my second but because of COVID could only have one

My husband each time and he's been brilliant. I wouldn't have had anyone else.

Just my husband. There was never a question of anyone else coming.

Though, I had an awful, awful labour, and after I'd wish my mum had been there so I wouldn't have had to tell her what happened.

Just DH and I can’t imagine having anyone else there. Probably says more about the relationships I have with others than them but for me to feel truly comfortable no one else could be there. Midwives I had no problem with because it’s their job, I’m one of many (and not special) and unlikely to see them again outside of having another baby.

Two nurses from the neonatal unit, two paediatric doctors and two midwives once and others I can't remember and just a midwife and dh once.

@speakout

For me it's far too intimate to share with anyone I'm not otherwise that intimate with.

That's how I feel.

If OH wasn't there I would just have midwives.

That’s how I feel. Just my DH at the birth. Should he have been ill or whatever my SIL was my plan B, she is super calm and patient and a nurse so I don’t think it would shock her.

DH, midwife, anaesthetist, a couple of surgeons (one training), a nurse and I've no idea who the woman at the back was. I was happy with DH and the midwife being there, would rather not have had the rest but since they were needed it was much better than not having them.

Neither DM nor DMIL would have wanted to come, and I wouldn't have wanted them there. I don't really get the point of an audience, there's no audience in the rest of life so your DH may as well learn fron the beginning that he has responsibility for the baby. Mine was great, he stuck right by DS from the moment he came out, chatted and calmed him during weighing, took him into his chest for a cuddle while I was stitched and it was wonderful to watch him so deeply in love in those first moments. He immediately moved from "I'm scared I won't know what to do" pre-birth into "snuggle here little one, Daddy's got you, you're safe".

I had ex-H and regret it both times. Especially with my second, he announced that he was tired at about 11pm, sat on the sofa (in the fairly modern birthing suite) and went to sleep. This was after eating all of the snacks I had packed (for me) in my overnight bag. The midwife was . I gave birth in early hours, midwife had to wake him up just as DD was about to be born. Then he left, and for some stupid reason took my phone and purse with him out of my overnight bag. He didnt visit until 6.30pm next day and I was raging, he hadn't told any of my family / friends that the baby had arrived so no one came to visit me all day, all the other mums had their families and partners come to see them, I had no one. I couldn't even have a snack because he had eaten the lot, or go to a vending machine because he had taken my money, so I was stuck with hospital food. And when he came that evening it didn't occur to him to bring the phone or some money back with him. I had to stay in 1 overnight as well due to a slight complication, he was supposed to pick me up the next morning and didnt show up until tea time, I was pissed off, the hospital staff were pissed off because they (presumably) needed the bed. Turns out he had dropped elder DD at school then gone back to bed for the day! Then collected her from school and decided that the two of them would go for macdonalds before coming to collect me from the hospital, as he was hungry because he slept through lunch. Well I was hungry too, because I didnt get lunch, as hospital staff were expecting me gone in the morning. Not only that, by this point he still hadn't told family and friends our baby was here, I ended up calling them myself when I got home (this was pre- facebook days). Stupid arsehole. He became my ex just over a year later and I haven't looked back since. He is still a selfish twat even now!

The worst thing was the pitying looks I kept getting from the other three mums in my ward, I didnt have a single card, gift or flowers by my bed and only the one short evening visit from my husband and DD. I think they thought that my new baby DD was an unwanted child or something!

I had a doula and DH. The doula was patient and consistent and let dh be there as he needed, and it was lovely even though ds was prem enough for me to not have an active birth etc as I wanted. I can't imagine having anyone else there

Just DH. Didn't want anyone else. I think my mum would have come if I'd asked but I didn't want extra people, plus in the end she was on holiday when both DSs were born!

I wanted my DH and my mum but gave birth in lockdown, ended up with an ecs after induction went wrong so was completely on my own. DH arrived at the hospital maybe 10 mins after DC was born as he wasnt allowed to be there for induction.