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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask who you had at your DC’s birth and do you regret it?

130 replies

mojitosnow · 08/02/2021 08:10

Inspired by quite a few threads I’ve seen recently about birthing partners etc. I realised that over the years I’ve seen a fair amount of MNers saying that they had their MIL, SIL etc present at the birth and I could never imagine having them there during labour even though I am very close with my ILs!

So thought it’d be interesting to have a thread on who you had at the birth and why, and if you’d change it looking back. I had my DSis and DH at the first birth and DH (a very lovely helpful man at all other times!) was just awful, he completely panicked and couldn’t cope. So for the rest I either had DSis or went in on my own, I’ve had very quick births so DH didn’t miss much and I wouldn’t change a thing Grin

What about all of you?

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 08/02/2021 09:53

@dancinfeet Shock. Can I just say I was very happy to read he's an ex.

I had dh who was great but found it quite traumatic. I'm v close to my mum but she would have been very worried so wouldnt have been the right person to ask, my dsis or SiL would have been a better choice if dh wasnt available.

Dixiechickonhols · 08/02/2021 09:59

DH. My baby was born with a serious disability that had been missed on all scans they got him to tell me. (I was in theatre numb from spinal forceps birth so didn’t see her born) I can’t imagine him not being there. You need someone there who you would turn to if things go wrong and who you trust to make decisions in line with your wishes.

lotusbell · 08/02/2021 10:06

My son is nearly 14 but I split up with his dad when I was 8 months pregnant. He was with me during the labour (and annoyed me throughout!) As well as my mum. But I ended up needing an emergency caeserean and we agreed my mum would come in with me. As a result, my mum was the first person to see and hold my son and I have the most wonderful photo of them, Mum in scrubs etc.she passed away nearly 7 years ago so it's such a treasured photo. Exh didn't even crack a smile when they told him he had a son. Not sure if he's ever regretted it and I do feel a bit sad he wasn't. We get on OK now, rhankfully

Mia1415 · 08/02/2021 10:11

I'm a single Mum, and I had my best friend with me (it was a c-section). I don't regret it at all. She was fantastic (even though she saw parts of me we never would have imagined her seeing!).

rogueantimatter · 08/02/2021 10:14

I'm past my childbirth years, but with hindsight I would not have had anybody except a midwife with me if possible. DH was a distraction and not really any help. I would have had better births if I had completely focused on myself.

speakout · 08/02/2021 10:19

rogueantimatter

I feel the same. OH spent a lot of my labour sleeping in a chair, drank all my juice, really floundered. He is a lovely guy in many other areas and a good father, but didn't contribute much.
I would have managed just fine with me and the midwives.

MackenCheese · 08/02/2021 10:20

@thepeopleversuswork hear, hear!!

unmarkedbythat · 08/02/2021 10:20

Other than midwives, just DH every time. He had to travel a bit when I was coming up to the EDD with DS2 and the plan then was if I went into labour and wanted someone there I'd have my mum, but I probably would have been fine just doing it alone. In my absolute ideal fantasy world I would have had an unassisted solo birth with no one at all present but unfortunately I have to live in the real world so obviously had professionals there.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/02/2021 10:21

DH and no I don't regret it

dray9925 · 08/02/2021 10:21

My partner and my mum. I had said throughout pregnancy cu I didn't want mum there and she was fine with that. I was 19 living at home when I went into labour I was scared and told my partner to ask my mum to come with me 😂she didn't do much and we agreed she would leave when I was actually giving birth but that's didnt pan out either as she couldn't get out of the room without getting in the way of the doctors and midwives 😂 I don't regret it but next time it will be just me and my partner

tatasa · 08/02/2021 10:21

DH for all three. Surprised he dared to come back after no 1 considering the abuse he took each time!

WorriedMillie · 08/02/2021 10:23

Just DP
(Plus half of the unit staff, or so it seemed, but needs must at the time)

Zero regrets

SpacePug · 08/02/2021 10:24

Just DH both times. Though my backup plan 4 weeks ago would have been DM or go alone if my DH had to isolate or was tested positive when I went into labour as he wouldn't have been allowed to come

ZackaryQuack · 08/02/2021 10:28

Just dh, it'd always been the plan it would be him. To be fair considering ds arrived 20 minutes after we got to the hospital I don't think anyone else would have had a chance to be there too...

He didn't do much, but because I was so far in I don't think there was much he could do except let our parents know what was happening (I'd been having contractions all weekend so they were checking in) and hold my hand.

He had first cuddle while the midwives helped me out of my top for skin to skin. My only regret from the day was not getting that photo, considering he didn't want children and only did it for me, he was instantly smitten.

sheslittlebutfierce · 08/02/2021 10:29

DD1 just husband of the time
DD2 husband, Mum and photographer from sunday times colour supplement!
DS (born sleeping) DH, with my dearest frind in the waiting room
DD3 Elec-C so just DH

Wineandshine · 08/02/2021 10:30

I would say just me, pandemic baby but the most uninterested midwife who kept saying nothing was happening and that she was going to send me home. I refused until I saw a dr and so she turned her back on me and tapped on the computer for an hour. I had no pain relief as nothing was happening apparently until she was born. So for my next I will go out of my way to avoid midwifes as the week we spent in hospital they were useless and rude.

KatyClaire · 08/02/2021 10:33

Just my husband. Mine was a pandemic baby so I was only allowed one person anyway, but I wouldn’t have had it any other way. My mother is wonderful but she would have driven me mad if she had been there. I would have happily had my MIL actually (former midwife and a very cool, kind head) but I didn’t really need anyone other than my husband.

BigWoollyJumpers · 08/02/2021 10:36

I had DH, who was fine. But frankly, I would have been just as happy with only the Midwife. I didn't need DH to be there, he was there because it is expected, but honestly I wouldn't have cared either way. I certainly wouldn't have wanted my DM or any other relation.

Thisischocolate · 08/02/2021 10:46

Just DH.

Years ago my DM announced that she would be coming into the delivery room if I ever had DC and I said ‘excuse me? I decide who’s present.’ She got the hump.

HarrysWife · 08/02/2021 10:47

Just DH & midwives. My lovely MIL did expect to be there. She didn't directly ask but we had many a "I was there when X was born, and X and X, its wonderful and builds a bond" conversations. Being as lovely as she is she was also at the birth of her Godchildrens children and also some great nieces/nephews, which made me feel even worse. But I ignored her hinting, made it clear DH was to say no if she asked and just stuck to the me and DH plan. She was invited within 3 hours of each birth to meet the grandchildren anyway and was first visitor in hospital.

Original poster
mojitosnow · 08/02/2021 11:05

@dancinfeet God he sounds absolutely awful and as a PP said I was very happy to read that he’s now an ex!

Yes @speakout and @rogueantimatter I feel much the same as you. DH is just fantastic in every other way but the births I had without him present just seemed to go more smoothly!

Yes @HarrysWife my lovely MIL who I adore expressed sadness that she wouldn’t be in the room during my first birth and said that being in the room for the birth of SIL’s baby was her most treasured memory. I just had to nod and say ‘that’s lovely’ and pretend I wasn’t noticing the hints! Grin

OP posts:
GreenLeafTurnip · 08/02/2021 11:13

I was on my own having a c section in a country where English isn't the first language so it was pretty scary but I had the most amazing midwife standing at my head stroking my hair and reassuring me whole way through. Would have loved DH there but it was emergency and they don't allow it here anyway.

Original poster
mojitosnow · 08/02/2021 12:50

@GreenLeafTurnip Which country were you in? Would your DH have been allowed in if it wasn’t a caesarean? Thank goodness for your lovely midwife Smile

I think I read once that in Japan men can’t be present at the birth. Have I completely made that up? Off to google!

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 08/02/2021 12:55

Dh. He was fab. Really stepped up and did everything right.

AlexaPlayWhiteNoise · 08/02/2021 13:11

DS1, just DH because it was an EMCS.

DS2 was born during the November lockdown and I had DH and my Mum and I'm so glad they were both there. It was incredibly special and so massive that my Mum was allowed in.