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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH just called DC a bastard

87 replies

Throwaway999 · 07/02/2021 19:53

As the title says DH just called our 23 month a bastard as a reaction to DC hitting DH in the face.

I’m furious with DH and have told him that there are no circumstances where it is acceptable for DH to speak to DC like that. Am I overreacting?

Bit of background, DH is usually a good dad and hands on with DC, pulls his weight around the house etc. This is the second time I have told DH not to call DC a bastard (it happened a few weeks ago when DC hit DH). DC is going through a phase of hitting DH, DC doesn’t hit me so any advice on how to deal with DC too would be also appreciated.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 07/02/2021 19:55

I think it’s very difficult to micromanage how someone reacts to being hit in the face. If he was using that term generally I’d be very upset.

VestaTilley · 07/02/2021 20:09

That is awful, I’m so sorry OP.

Parents should not swear at their children, they also shouldn’t use words like that in their presence ideally. That’s really awful.

My DS is 22 months, he bites and hits a lot when he’s overtired or overexcited, or wants more attention. It’s completely normal toddler behaviour, and we respond by saying “no, don’t hit Mummy/Daddy, it hurts and you mustn’t hit people, please say sorry”, or similar.

We’d never, ever call him a bastard. He’s just a toddler, exploring and pushing boundaries- it’s what they do and is a totally normal part of child development.

Your DP needs to stop this immediately. Maybe contact your local council or children’s centre and ask if they’re running free courses for Dad’s in lockdown - the children’s centres near us all used to do these every term pre-covid.

If he won’t engage I’d explore other options, including contacting parenting charities for advice or telling your health visitor. Please don’t put up with it. It is verbal abuse and bullying of your child.

LouiseTrees · 07/02/2021 20:09

Similar to last poster. It’s like when you drop a laptop directly on an already injured foot at work, you don’t want others to hear you swear but it might just be a gut reaction.

cordeliae · 07/02/2021 20:11

Honestly I don't think it's that bad, yes he shouldn't have said it but sometimes you can't help it and those words slip out

TokenGinger · 07/02/2021 20:11

If it's a one off, I wouldn't read too much into it. DC head butted me in the nose last night completely unexpected, and he didn't do it on purpose, and my reaction was "argh, fuck". I wasn't swearing at him. Just at the situation. That swear word could easily have been something else but it wouldn't have been meant with any malice towards him. It was just a reaction to the unexpected pain.

hauntedvagina · 07/02/2021 20:13

I challenge anyone to be head butted / smacked in the face by a very small child and not mutter some sort of ungodly phrase.

Also, there's a big difference between saying bastard as a reaction and calling someone a bastard in a mean and spiteful way.

pistachioglace · 07/02/2021 20:13

@cordeliae

Honestly I don't think it's that bad, yes he shouldn't have said it but sometimes you can't help it and those words slip out
I can understand somebody swearing if they are hurt but calling a child names? No. Not right.
maxineputyourredshoeson · 07/02/2021 20:13

Is your DH actually calling him a bastard - ‘you little bastard’ or saying ‘bastard’ after being hit, in the same way others may say fuck, piss or shit?

Rainallnight · 07/02/2021 20:14

Was it under his breath, or did he look DS in the face and call him a bastard?

hellasciously · 07/02/2021 20:15

I have to agree with it not being that bad either. He was annoyed he was hit in the face and reacted without thinking.

Santaiscovidfree · 07/02/2021 20:17

My dh has never raised a voice to dc in over 8 years. When ds smacked him with a length of wood (on geh side of the face) he called him a twat. Knee jerk reaction. Apologies all round and it hasn't happened since.

MummytoCSJH · 07/02/2021 20:17

@maxineputyourredshoeson I was going to say the same, I often mutter 'bastard' in frustration. I'm not calling anyone a name when I say it it's just in shock or annoyance that something has happened.

gobbynorthernbird · 07/02/2021 20:17

Would your DH say the same thing if he (eg) stubbed his toe, hit his head, etc?

Meredithgrey1 · 07/02/2021 20:17

Depends on the tone I think. Shouting it in a toddlers face is unacceptable, and would be unacceptable regardless of the word used.
Muttering “bastard” as a response to being hit is different. I sometimes mutter “bastard!” under my breath when I stub my toe or something. I’ve definitely sworn when DD has bitten me while breastfeeding, but I’m not swearing at her.

Stonerosie67 · 07/02/2021 20:21

My DS is 22 months, he bites and hits a lot when he’s overtired or overexcited, or wants more attention. It’s completely normal toddler behaviour, and we respond by saying “no, don’t hit Mummy/Daddy, it hurts and you mustn’t hit people, please say sorry”, or similar.

If he's biting and hitting a lot, then perhaps you may want to rethink your strategy!

SimonJT · 07/02/2021 20:23

My son once kicked me in the face in bed and broke my nose, as I’m not an actual saint I didn’t say “oo that hurt daddies nose”.

Original poster
Throwaway999 · 07/02/2021 20:24

It was spoken, not shouted in DC face, but definitely directed at DC as in “you bastard”

OP posts:
gettingfedupagain · 07/02/2021 20:26

Saying "fuck" as a reaction to being hurt is very different to calling your child a bastard for doing something wrong!!

MaverickDanger · 07/02/2021 20:30

I’d say “ah ya bastard” in shock after being hit - but definitely wouldn’t be directed toward DS, more toward it being a bastard of a hit/shock IYSWIM.

What’s DH said?

TwoZeroTwoZero · 07/02/2021 20:31

I've said similar to and at my dc when they've smacked me on the head or whatever.

My DS is 22 months, he bites and hits a lot when he’s overtired or overexcited, or wants more attention. It’s completely normal toddler behaviour, and we respond by saying “no, don’t hit Mummy/Daddy, it hurts and you mustn’t hit people, please say sorry”, or similar.

I think this is a bit much tbh. I think children need to know when they've hurt you, especially when they've done it on purpose. A short, sharp, "Ow! that bloody hurt!" is, in my experience with my own children, much more effective than a soppy, "Please don't hit mummy darling, it hurts."

Joinedjustforthispost · 07/02/2021 20:32

Crikey op yanbu I’d not put up with dp extreme reaction! Your dc is a baby, I’ve been head butted , slapped , nipple bitten off my sen child but neither me or my dh have sworn at her even when we’ve just wanted to cry with frustration. I can’t say his reaction would go well if it was reported. He needs to get a grip with his anger, it’s also damaging to a child .

MollieMaeve · 07/02/2021 20:39

If he’s saying that as a reflex to a toddler I’d be concerned what he’d be like when angry with an older child.

bloodywhitecat · 07/02/2021 20:40

@gettingfedupagain

Saying "fuck" as a reaction to being hurt is very different to calling your child a bastard for doing something wrong!!
This. I don't think it is ever acceptable to call a child a bastard or any such insult.
BarryTheKestrel · 07/02/2021 20:41

My DS is going through a hitting/throwing phase and I have been hit multiple times in the past week or so. Having been given a nose bleed the other day from the impact I definitely 'argh fucker' in the moment. I wasn't necessarily calling him a fucker, it was the first thing out of my mouth as my nose started spurting blood. To anyone else, I just called my ds a fucker, to me, it was an immediate reaction in pain, shock and yes anger at being hit yet again and wasn't meant towards him.

In times of pain, especially unexpected pain, it is normal to lash out verbally and we don't always have the best control over what comes out in those situations.

He isn't just sat on the sofa calling him a bastard, he isn't lashing out for no reason, shouting and name calling. Yes its not acceptable but in the heat of the moment its almost definitely not meant in the way you are seeing it.

whoamongstus · 07/02/2021 20:42

I've said "Ooh, ya bastard" to my cats biting me before now so I could see me saying the same if I was hit by a small child, to be honest.

But tone makes a big difference, I'd say it in a 'this took me by surprise and it hurt' way, but not in a way that meant 'I dislike you' way.