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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH just called DC a bastard

87 replies

Throwaway999 · 07/02/2021 19:53

As the title says DH just called our 23 month a bastard as a reaction to DC hitting DH in the face.

I’m furious with DH and have told him that there are no circumstances where it is acceptable for DH to speak to DC like that. Am I overreacting?

Bit of background, DH is usually a good dad and hands on with DC, pulls his weight around the house etc. This is the second time I have told DH not to call DC a bastard (it happened a few weeks ago when DC hit DH). DC is going through a phase of hitting DH, DC doesn’t hit me so any advice on how to deal with DC too would be also appreciated.

OP posts:
BakewellGin1 · 07/02/2021 21:50

Well apologies to anyone who may be offended or not dream of swearing in front of DC.

Youngest DS twice this week has caused me to swear... Actually three times...

Last night he threw himself forward when we were laid playing on the sofa and headbutted my nose... Which got a 'owwww you little shit' (my nose is still out of bloody joint now)

Night before he spent a few hours in my bed - managed to sleep sideways on and kicked his leg out hard straight into my eye and scraped his toe nail down my eye lid - that actually I think got a 'for fuck sake kid'

At the moment he is also like a ninja and stood behind me when I was in the kitchen and got a 'shit' as I struggled to rebalance and not land on him when u stepped back.

None are directed at him as such...

My oldest probably got similar and isn't scarred for life or traumatised by it.

If your DH was shouting in his face/being aggressive then yes it is out of order...
Fully depends on the circumstances, attitude, tone etc

Arobase · 07/02/2021 21:55

The occasional bit of bad language is hardly going to hurt. When DD was around 2 she heard her father talking about the buggers who had broken into his car and, inevitably, picked it up and used it a few times. We ignored it and ultimately she forgot about it, and two decades later her language is absolutely fine.

SquigglePigs · 07/02/2021 22:01

I'm on your DH's side of this in that I'm the only person my 25 month old hits. Mostly I stay calm and just say things like "no, you don't hit mummy"
and so on. But occasionally she has caught me off guard and really hurt me and "shit" or similar has slipped out.

What your DH said isn't great and I'd expect some contrition on his part but I think you should give him a break.

mouldyhouse101 · 07/02/2021 22:01

YABU

He reacted to being hit in the face.

Gobbycop · 07/02/2021 22:09

Wow, how would he cope if hit by an adult if that's his reaction being hit by a toddler 🤣

Fucking pathetic.

Ooooooo you bastard. It's little child.

RootyT00t · 07/02/2021 22:26

@Gobbycop

Wow, how would he cope if hit by an adult if that's his reaction being hit by a toddler 🤣

Fucking pathetic.

Ooooooo you bastard. It's little child.

I say ooh ya bastard if I catch the door with my foot. Your point?
Smallonesaremorejuicy · 07/02/2021 22:27

Toddlers heads are like bowling balls & I must admit I have said some naughty words when head butted back into my nose or twice top lip ! But I wouldn’t call them bastards ( just think it)

OwlBeThere · 07/02/2021 22:29

Meh, we all have different ways of parenting. Bastard is just a word, there are imo far worse things to say to a child.

SinkGirl · 07/02/2021 22:33

My twins are both autistic and not only do they not seem to feel pain much when they fall and hurt themselves but they also have no idea when they’ve hurt you. They regularly use me as a climbing frame and they’ve hurt me quite a few times - must admit I swear quite often. Was watching something recently which explained that humans can withstand more pain for longer if they swear, which makes a lot of sense as I swear reflexively when hurt.

I don’t think there are many times when I’ve called them a swear word, although I think I did the time DT2 broke my nose (completely by accident) - so many expletives came out I have no idea what they were but i was running away from him at the time so a more easily cleanable surface.

I am trying to train myself out of it, and am better than I was! I would talk to him about it but I probably wouldn’t lose my rag over it to be honest.

SinkGirl · 07/02/2021 22:34

Wow, how would he cope if hit by an adult if that's his reaction being hit by a toddler

I take it you’ve never intercepted a toddler’s flying head with your face?

Motnight · 07/02/2021 23:03

Come on, calling your young child names isn't on. Nothing snowflakey about it. It's an unpleasant thing to do.

MissMarpleDarling · 07/02/2021 23:07

If I got hit in the face my first reaction would probably be to swear. So I voted YABU.

MissMarpleDarling · 07/02/2021 23:10

I called my playful cat a bastard last week when he walked up to me and bit my ankle then ran away.

buzzandwoodyallday · 08/02/2021 09:27

I couldn't get worked up about it tbh.

LegoPirateMonkey · 08/02/2021 09:35

What would people think if nursery staff swore at a toddler in their charge? They could get hit or head butted, would it be ok if they called the child a bastard? Or would everyone expect them to be able to control it?

Ohalrightthen · 08/02/2021 09:39

@LegoPirateMonkey

What would people think if nursery staff swore at a toddler in their charge? They could get hit or head butted, would it be ok if they called the child a bastard? Or would everyone expect them to be able to control it?
Personally, i tend to believe that nursery workers are human and therefore imperfect. I sometimes swear when I'm shocked or hurt, i swore at my DD the other day when she smacked me in the face with a plate, and i completely understand how it could happen. It would be a non-issue for me really, same as if a nursery worker accidentally scratched my kid while changing a nappy, or shut a finger in a door, or did something else upsetting by accident.
HitchFlix · 08/02/2021 09:44

His word choice did make me wince but I'm a hypocrite as I swear faaaaaar too much in front of my DC. Luckily they haven't repeated it - yet. I really do try but if you're a sweary person it can be a very difficult habit to break.

Bastard seems like such a direct insult though. I'd usually go "for fucksake!" if caught off guard with a toddler head. Seems much more acceptable IMO Grin

Garlicinyoursoul · 08/02/2021 09:54

I couldn’t get too upset about this, if he’d shouted it at him or spat it with malice then I would but taking a sharp intake of breathe whilst saying ‘you bastard!’ and holding his head is hardly crime of the century.
It really bloody hurts! My youngest DD has given me a black eye by doing that before now. My language is super mellow when children and the in-laws are around though, it’s all ‘ahh that hurt you little pickle/spoon/monster!’ but it has the same sentiment.

MustardMitt · 08/02/2021 10:45

@EttaKett but he wasn’t talking ‘to’ the child. He uttered an expletive as he was hurt and shocked by a toddler hitting him.

Not the same. At all. Totally fine if you don’t advocate swearing in any capacity, but that doesn’t make it wrong. It just makes it a reaction.

Cadent · 08/02/2021 11:32

YABU, being hit in the face is upsetting, whether it's a 23mth or 23yo doing it (to varying degrees!).

DC doesn't understand yet. No need to be furious with DH, just tell him calmly. It's ok for you as you're not the one being hit OP.

UrAWizHarry · 08/02/2021 11:54

@LegoPirateMonkey

What would people think if nursery staff swore at a toddler in their charge? They could get hit or head butted, would it be ok if they called the child a bastard? Or would everyone expect them to be able to control it?
If anyone - nursery staff, parents, the Queen - muttered a swear in reaction to getting hit I wouldn't give a tiny crap.

Obviously there is a difference between saying something involuntarily and deliberately calling a kid a bastard.

Same4Walls · 08/02/2021 11:57

If anyone - nursery staff, parents, the Queen - muttered a swear in reaction to getting hit I wouldn't give a tiny crap.

Obviously there is a difference between saying something involuntarily and deliberately calling a kid a bastard.

Exactly its quite worrying that some people don't seem to be able to tell the difference between swearing at the situation and swearing at the child.

LegoPirateMonkey · 08/02/2021 12:05

I do see the difference between swearing at the situation and the child but the OP seemed to me to suggest he called the child a bastard rather than exclaiming it at the situation so I just wondered. I think a nursery worker would get into trouble for it - not saying I think that’s completely fair; I just imagine they would and I can definitely see a parent complaining in that circumstance. I used to work with children and I had it ingrained in me not to swear so I don’t think swearing is an inevitable reaction that no one could prevent. I don’t think it’s the end of the world either. But it’s definitely possible to train yourself out of it in my experience!

LegoPirateMonkey · 08/02/2021 12:07

I mean, the actual thread title specifies that he called the child a bastard, rather than saying bastard to the air.

TeeBee · 08/02/2021 12:18

If I get hit in the face, I instantly punch out. I can't help it; it's a gut reaction. When my LOs did it when they were little, I used to have to try and grab their hand quickly...not only to stop them but to stop me hitting out at them. When they learnt to talk, I had to teach them never to go near my face. Even now, I'm forever saying to my over-affectionate partner 'not the face dude' when he strikes my cheek. It doesn't sound like your DH is saying it aggressively and may be just a gut reaction. The baby's instinct to claw his face will subside (hopefully before he learns to copy speech too much).

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