Help me pleaseeee

[Daisyflower12345]

No one ever replies on other thread so sorry have to use this board

So my DD is 19months and is constantly waking through the night ! It's getting so difficult I'm sleep deprived and it's mentally affecting me.

When it's bedtime I lay next to her cot and it can take up to 40mins for her to fall asleep. If I even move an inch away from her cot she gets up an starts crying an wants me to either sit or lay next to her cot. That's draining enough. She eventually falls asleep on her own. During the night she will wake up an stand in her cot shouting "mummy mummy" an I have to lay her back down an tap her. Some nights this works an she falls back to sleep but some nights as soon as I stop tapping her she will wake an shout an won't lay back down.

She has one nap a day which is usually around 12-1ish for 2 hours. She has 3 meals a day an 2 bottles one in morning and one before bed.

I don't know what to do anymore ! Someone please advise??

Mouldyhouse
It's like everything in life, I take a scientific approach, test different hypotheses and compare the results.

She goes to sleep happily in her cot, wakes up happily in the morning, is developing well and is a happy cuddly little poppet who has a strong attachment to me.

I thus conclude.... she does not need me to fall asleep. Occasionally she decides she would like me to stay with her, but she's got a brother who also needs putting to bed, so I cannot always give in to her every wish.

Ds2 has always been a pretty bad sleeper! I couldn't do controlled crying as ds1 is a really light sleeper and I worried he'd get naff sleep too. I resorted to co sleeping and it changed my life! Dh now sleeps permanently on the sofa as ds2 (now 2 1/2) fidgets all night and i'm still bfeeding a bf is so much easier when co sleeping which is why ds2 wakes up lots of times in the night for it. I was sucked into co sleeping as I was so tired but i'd say think of all other options too! I have created this horrible sleep situation and have no idea how to get out of it!

Is your DD actually tired at her bedtime? Would it be an idea to push it back to 8pm and see how she gets on?

I'm pretty sure DD went to bed around 8pm until she was started going to nursery at 2.5yo. She still had an afternoon nap around 3-4 though so there was no point trying to make bedtime so early. Dinner was half past 5 then a bowl of weetabix before she went to bed to make sure she wasn't hungry.

Oh, and my suggestion of telling the child you are going to the loo wasn't until she started crying for me. It was literally a minute or 2 (sometimes would be to go and close curtains in my room) and then I'd go back in. The aim wasn't for her to start falling asleep in that time it was to give her a safe short period of being in bed by herself and it not be upsetting.

Never had this issue and I have 5 DC, I’ve never tried lying down beside the cot in the first place though. Have you tried white noise? I have a £20 machine I bought on Amazon, used it with three of my DC now and it’s amazing.

Create a solid routine and stick to it every single night- same time, bath, pjs, brush teeth, drink of water, cuddle and read books then white noise on and leave the room. Let her choose the books, I give my 2 year old a choice of 3 every night. Toddlers like having choice, I let my DS choose his pjs too. No screens for at least an hour before bed and don’t make bath or bedtime majorly fun, it should be calm and relaxed.

another vote for controlled crying, the sounds of distress get less every night, it doesn't take that long either. Just do a few minutes longer each night if you have to, but beware you have to be very, very consistent.

Create a solid routine and stick to it every single night- same time ...

This - tea, bath, milk, stories while cuddled up with mum or dad, teeth cleaned (once they had them!), into cot/bed, lullaby, goodnight kiss and lights off (nightlight left on if needed), and parents go out of room. Every night, no messing. Although both of mine also had their cots in our room till they were about 2 because it felt natural to me that they would want to be near us during the night and that it would make them feel more secure. They were both brilliant sleepers and still are.

I reached the point where I was suffering mentally from sleep deprivation, so I just gave up and slept in the double bed with my child. Not ideal but at least I got some sleep. Anything was better than hallucinating and having a nervous breakdown. It’s natural for kids to want to be next to a parent, they grow out of it when they’re ready.

Completely disagree with controlled crying. Why do you want to condition your very young child to think you won’t be there for her when she needs you?
Sorry I just don’t know how you could sit outside the door and listen to her sob.

She is a baby. She isn’t broken if she wakes up/needs some comfort before going to sleep. She’s perfectly normal! Have you ever tried putting her to sleep in your bed and transferring her? Or if you’re comfortable or that doesn’t work, keeping her there and just cosleeping?

Our son cosleeps. It works for us. When he was in his room I’d wake up worrying about SIDS for some reason and so would make myself sleep deprived without meaning to 😂 he is a fab sleeper and I honestly believe it’s because he knows we’re right next to him. One day, he will decide he doesn’t want to anymore and that’s ok. I’d rather that than force him to be independent which will actually have the opposite effect.

Darting between rooms just doesn’t do it for me, especially in this cold weather and to have my son safely next to me nice and warm, it’s a no brainer. And don’t nobody come for me saying “well that’s your marriage over you’re going to have no intimacy” y’all clearly ain’t got no imagination 🤪🤪🤪

Create a solid routine and stick to it every single night- same time ...

People who make comments like this make me laugh.
As if parents of non sleepers haven't thought of this

@Daisyflower12345 unfortunately my cousins DD is like this, she's now 3 years old and still only sleeps a few hours however she's gradually getting better. They've tried everything too. Some kids just don't sleep well when they're young, it's not helpful advice but just know you're not alone and it's nothing you've done or not done that's caused it.

Every baby is different but if I was in your position I'd be maybe having a go at something different at this point. My daughter is 19 months also and she has no bottles and 3 meals a day. She sleeps 7-7.30ish and has one nap around 2-3 hours before her lunch so 11.30-2ish. However at nursery she only naps an hour and a half. We have always just shut her bedroom door and walked away so she has learnt to self settle. We did a period of controlled crying when she was about 8months old and thankfully it was just a phase. Will they sleep longer in the day?
At the moment it's probably a comfort as they know you will lay with them. Good luck!

Another vote for co sleeping. Did it with my son (cot side carred), he sleeps in his own room and falls asleep by himself now (he's 3). Now have my daughters cot side carred and will move her through when she is ready and settled. It's stress free.

@Daisyflower12345

I have tried controlled crying previously and it was a complete disaster. She was crying hysterically soon as I left the room and within 2mins she puked up. I found it so difficult. I tried again and the same happened.

For example last night when she woke up around 12am stood up in cot shouting mummy I was just so drained I left her to cry an literally within like 3 mins of crying she was making the puking noise as if she was about to throw up.

I just don't know how to handle it anymore I have tried so many things. The Ferber method with the gentle pulling back an again as soon as she realises I'm moving away or going out the room she goes hysterical!

If she struggles to then sleep in her bed, why not just cuddle her back to sleep? Least that way you all get sleep.

I say this as a mother of a child who has always been what would be deemed a shit sleeper.

I've had 6 years of poor sleep and though you can try methods etc, ultimately, when you're running on empty for so long you need to get sleep how and when you can.

Those suggesting CIO and similar, presumably are aware that the mother is the child's anchor, why would you advocate them learning that you won't meet their needs? And given op has tried this and her child is clearly impacted, it's hardly a great suggestion.

My friend moved her lo to a proper bed. With a rail. Baby had cuddle and went to sleep. Then could get up and come to parent in the night or mum went, laid down and slept there. Not my ideal, but I opted for bed sharing, the risks are negligible compared to with a baby under a year for those throwing that around.

It's hard op. I spent years opting to go to sleep when baby did, knowing that I wouldn't get large blocks of sleep otherwise. This helped me. I didn't do it every night, but probability half the week, when I knew I had nothing left to give. Over time this improved.

@Redredwhineeee

Completely disagree with controlled crying. Why do you want to condition your very young child to think you won’t be there for her when she needs you? Sorry I just don’t know how you could sit outside the door and listen to her sob.

She is a baby. She isn’t broken if she wakes up/needs some comfort before going to sleep. She’s perfectly normal! Have you ever tried putting her to sleep in your bed and transferring her? Or if you’re comfortable or that doesn’t work, keeping her there and just cosleeping?

Respectfully, an almost 2 year old is not a baby. Your opinion is the kind of opinion that drove me deep into madness as a result of endless, sleepless nights and all consuming panic and worry that I was damaging my child if they cried at all. I think people need to actually give practical ADVICE and not sanctimonious 'They're so little' etc etc kinds of posts that do nothing to address a problem that is solvable.

I had mine in with me for years. It was the only way I could get any sleep.

Respectfully, it was advice. Solvable by being there for the child - I.e laying with her either in her bed or the parents bed. Not solvable by letting her scream it out as OP originally said, did not solve the problem. Thank you 😊

@Redredwhineeee

Respectfully, it was advice. Solvable by being there for the child - I.e laying with her either in her bed or the parents bed. Not solvable by letting her scream it out as OP originally said, did not solve the problem. Thank you 😊

Totally agree

How did you get on last night OP?

@MaMaD1990 So last night did try to do the CC. So did the usual bedtime routine of bath bottle and layed her down in cot and as soon as I got up to leave she was hysterical. I came back and explained its sleep time mummy is here go to sleep. But again when I left the room she was crying so much an as if she was going to puke. I couldn't take it anymore. So just did the same has to lay next to her on the floor. She eventually fell asleep. She woke up around 12am crying. Layed her back down reassured I'm here. She did that about 3times. Eventually she fell asleep and woke up at 7.30am.

I know CC has worked for so many people but I have literally tried this 3-4 times now an I physically am unable to go through with it due to how distressed DD gets.

It sounds really tough but I'm afraid I am an advocate of cc. If you are unable to do it, do you have a dp that could take over for a night?

[quote Daisyflower12345]@MaMaD1990 So last night did try to do the CC. So did the usual bedtime routine of bath bottle and layed her down in cot and as soon as I got up to leave she was hysterical. I came back and explained its sleep time mummy is here go to sleep. But again when I left the room she was crying so much an as if she was going to puke. I couldn't take it anymore. So just did the same has to lay next to her on the floor. She eventually fell asleep. She woke up around 12am crying. Layed her back down reassured I'm here. She did that about 3times. Eventually she fell asleep and woke up at 7.30am.

I know CC has worked for so many people but I have literally tried this 3-4 times now an I physically am unable to go through with it due to how distressed DD gets. [/quote]
Some children just don't respond to controlled crying.

If it's clearly not working, don't do.

If it doesn't work, I wouldn't do it - all children are different! I do hope you manage to get some rest soon though xx

Hey op. So we all do understand CC is bloody hard and it isn't for everyone. I had similar problems with my two and for DD2 I found a method that worked for us. I folded up her clothes. It sounds mad but essentially once she was down for bed after story and milk and cuddles, I would go to her shelves and start folding, sorting and checking her clothes. I would tell I'm not going anywhere but I just must sort out the washing. I actually used it as a time to sort through things she grew out of and things rotate her wardrobe. Eventually after two or three nights of this I would nip out the room 'with washing' then back in as if it was totally normal. Once she trusted I wasn't leaving her and I was busy with chores she just happily laid down and went to sleep. It took a few weeks but got quicker and quicker and she had beautiful shelves!! It saved my sanity because I couldn't lay on the floor doing nothing held captive by little ones anymore!!