To get so wound up by how long DH takes to leave the house?

[FortunesFave]

He's so fucking DELIBERATE about everything he does!

Tying his shoes...he lines the laces up to make sure they're the same length.

He leaves. He comes back to fill his water bottle. Then leaves. Then fucking comes back because the water tastes gross so he wants lemons in it.

Then he leaves.

Then...he's back! He forgot poo bags for the dogs.

He literally takes an hour to leave sometimes.

The fucking sound of his shoes up and down the wooden floorboards makes me want to EXPLODE!

Sorry I had to put it here. We've worked out he's likely to have ADHD but not diagnosed.

I try to help him sometimes but he says it makes him forget even more things and needs to be left to it.

My DH always needs the toilet JUST as we're leaving. I think it's a nerves thing. I mostly leave him to it and he catches me up.

@SpaceRaiders
If your ex had ADHD, it could be that the reason he was able to be on time for the things that were important to HIM, was because he would have had to make an extra effort to prioritise this. My DP, who has ADHD, can suddenly be standing at the front door impatiently drumming his fingers, rather than his default habit of keeping us all late, if our destination is somewhere he is excited to go. It's bloody infuriating, but I do recognise that this push to be ready on time has meant him thinking about and focusing on NOTHING ELSE except leaving the house. So he has to put all his energy into not getting distracted by other things (like individually lifting crumbs off the floor, rearranging the drawer in the hall table, wiping condensation off all the windows etc) around the time we need to be leaving the house!

@ClinkyMonkey I get that completely.

However It becomes a huge problem the moment a partner with ADHD consistently fails at prioritising the needs of his family or even worse dc who are too little to fend for themselves. It stands to reason that the fact that they can manage with some effort would lead me to believe they can make more of an effort, more of the time. There’s a reason why statistically relationships where one partner has ADHD are more likely to end in divorce. It’s exhausting carrying a relationship where only one party plays an active role, yet the other needs cajoling to do the basics and they’re completely unaware of the impact they have on the rest of the family. Yes they may not mean it, but it doesn’t make living with them any easier. Sorry to put a dampener on what was meant to be a lighthearted thread.

Mine is worse. We will arrange to go somewhere.

He will then suddenly announce he’s ready and then tut impatiently whilst everyone else scurries round.

Hell then just disappear to do something as everyone else is leaving. We then stand around for 15 minutes in coats and boots etc.

My Dad is like this. So very slow and so very faffy. Regularly late because he needs a poo and never takes less than half an hour. If you're spending that long forcing it out, it probably isn't that urgent.
One time on holiday he made my mum wait for 40 minutes outside a public toilet. They'd not long left a cafe and if he'd decided to go there my mum would just have got another coffee, but no.
I asked her why she didn't just give up and go back to the cafe after about ten minutes or so. Her response was "Well he can't help it."
My DH sometimes faffs if he's anxious. Sometimes I ignore it, sometimes I say "What?" when he starts fannying around and it's usually enough for him to twig what he's doing and either stop or ask for help. Acknowledging the problem is half the battle.

I have one of these but if you hassle them and they forget something it’s your fault! Number of times I’ve been waiting in the car with the kids for 20 minutes or more before he’s ready to go!

[quote SpaceRaiders]@ClinkyMonkey I get that completely.

However It becomes a huge problem the moment a partner with ADHD consistently fails at prioritising the needs of his family or even worse dc who are too little to fend for themselves. It stands to reason that the fact that they can manage with some effort would lead me to believe they can make more of an effort, more of the time. There’s a reason why statistically relationships where one partner has ADHD are more likely to end in divorce. It’s exhausting carrying a relationship where only one party plays an active role, yet the other needs cajoling to do the basics and they’re completely unaware of the impact they have on the rest of the family. Yes they may not mean it, but it doesn’t make living with them any easier. Sorry to put a dampener on what was meant to be a lighthearted thread.[/quote]
Exactly, regardless of the reasons for it - ADHD, anxiety, controlling behaviour, selfishness, thoughtlessness, general twatishness - the impact on other people in the family is much the same and it behoves the person with the (very) annoying behaviour traits to try their very hardest to get to grips with it or at least be aware of and apologise for the impact they are having on others.

@SpaceRaiders
@theleafandnotthetree
I agree absolutely that the person needs to take ownership of their how their behaviour impacts those around them.

All in all I can see why it’s annoying that he doesn’t leave enough time to remember all these things.

I find it very hard to get everything ready myself sometimes - especially when i have to get theee people ready - seems such an uphill struggle!

But I went for YABU because I can definitely understand that being helped makes things worse - if people remind me of this and that I totally lose my train of thought and it takes longer / I’m more likely to forget something.

The more I think about it, I think ex and I both have adhd traits and that must be big indicator for divorce!

I had this problem somewhat with my dh,Solved it by telling him we were going out 1 hr earlier than we were,Try it it works!

@CigarsofthePharoahs

My Dad is like this. So very slow and so very faffy. Regularly late because he needs a poo and never takes less than half an hour. If you're spending that long forcing it out, it probably isn't that urgent. One time on holiday he made my mum wait for 40 minutes outside a public toilet. They'd not long left a cafe and if he'd decided to go there my mum would just have got another coffee, but no. I asked her why she didn't just give up and go back to the cafe after about ten minutes or so. Her response was "Well he can't help it." My DH sometimes faffs if he's anxious. Sometimes I ignore it, sometimes I say "What?" when he starts fannying around and it's usually enough for him to twig what he's doing and either stop or ask for help. Acknowledging the problem is half the battle.

Your mother is clearly a saint, I would have torn him a new one - the better to evacuate his bowels quicker perhaps - for something like that.

@lazylump72

I had this problem somewhat with my dh,Solved it by telling him we were going out 1 hr earlier than we were,Try it it works!

Ok maybe but it's still putting you in charge of managing his time and is quite infantalising. I played all those tricks too, believe me, but ultimately I was so enraged by the whole time-wasting aspect of it, the waiting around, the feet moving back at forth, etc than even if we were on time, thus having less of a social impact, it was still annoying to ME

HOW DO YOU FORGET THAT
You answered it yourself in the OP, he HAS undiagnosed ADHD. Do him a favour and help him get a diagnosis, there is medication available for adults and it helped my friend (she got a diagnosis of ADHD in her 50s) a lot

I'm busy complaining here about DP, when I'm almost certain I have ADHD myself. I did a course about ADHD a couple of years ago when DS1 was referred for diagnosis and I found myself ticking almost every single descriptor for the inattentive form of ADHD. I honestly won't be surprised if DS2 is diagnosed too the way things are going.

Thinking about it, it makes no sense to hope or expect that another adult that you fancied in a nightclub in 1998 would move along pavements at the same speed as you. Sometimes I get philosophical on this subject. I'm not even sure that marriage or cohabiting relationships are natural, long term. But like most, I'm in one and its ok so here we are.

Mine says goodbye five times every morning and then keeps walking round the house, fiddling and faffing. His step count must be epic before he's even gone outside.

@RabbityMcRabbit

HOW DO YOU FORGET THAT You answered it yourself in the OP, he HAS undiagnosed ADHD. Do him a favour and help him get a diagnosis, there is medication available for adults and it helped my friend (she got a diagnosis of ADHD in her 50s) a lot

I know I was venting. I can't have a go at him...he can't help it.

He'd NEVER take medication for it. He'll barely visit the doctor ever. I had to practically drag him there when he broke his leg once.