To get so wound up by how long DH takes to leave the house?

[FortunesFave]

He's so fucking DELIBERATE about everything he does!

Tying his shoes...he lines the laces up to make sure they're the same length.

He leaves. He comes back to fill his water bottle. Then leaves. Then fucking comes back because the water tastes gross so he wants lemons in it.

Then he leaves.

Then...he's back! He forgot poo bags for the dogs.

He literally takes an hour to leave sometimes.

The fucking sound of his shoes up and down the wooden floorboards makes me want to EXPLODE!

Sorry I had to put it here. We've worked out he's likely to have ADHD but not diagnosed.

I try to help him sometimes but he says it makes him forget even more things and needs to be left to it.

Oh yes the faffing. Drives me mad. I leave though when I'm ready - not waiting around for him to finish!

@gamerchick

I had to google duds, I haven’t heard that word before. Yes, I hate the feeling of clothes on my skin, you know when you wear a face mask and you can feel the little fibres touching your skin, thats how clothes feel to me. Its another thing thats a lot worse when I’m not medicated.

If it helps I do what your husband does and get completely wound up by myself

I’m a very efficient person in general and this kind of faffing drives me mad.
I have a FWB who comes to stay with me for the weekend about once a month. On the Monday morning, when I’m going to work and he’s going for his train, he faffs around and it drives me insane.
When I leave my bedroom in the morning, it’s when I’m fully ready to and no longer need anything there. So I’ll be showered, dressed, hair done, shoes on, will have my handbag with me, and will not need to go back to the bedroom before leaving the house.
But with him, it’s ‘oh I forgot my shoes’, ‘I think I left my charger plugged in’, ‘did I pack my wash bag?’, ‘I left my book on the locker’ and a myriad of other reasons causing him to go back and forth between the kitchen and bedroom. Then we sit into the car and it’s ‘I’m not sure if I have my wallet’ with subsequent patting of multiple pockets, searching of bag (which necessitates in clipping seat belt, getting out of the front seat and going around to the boot to check his bag) before finding it in a (previously searched) pocket.

If he wasn’t so bloody good in bed I’d probably have murdered him by now

Faffing is so frustrating.

There was a post on here once about a mumsnetter who was going on holiday with their husband. She'd done all the packing and cleaning, everything was ready to go. The taxi to take them to the airport arrived late so they were in a rush, they only had a little bit of time to get to the airport, clear customs and go to their gate. Her DH said he'd be out to the taxi in a second. Ten minutes of sitting in the taxi later the mumsnetter went back into the house to see what was taking him so long, and he was mowing the back garden. That post gave me murderous feelings and I've never even met those people.

I have a similar partner. I try to avid the to & fro by keeping poo bags, dog leads, in one place by the front door . Have a tray or hook near the door for keys & small change. Always keep shoes by the door ,in a shoecupboard if you want it super neat. Have a hall rug. Leave him to it if he's going on his own. If he's not ready when you are & you gave him a half hour heads up, just go.

Oh @WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly I remember that post too ! I got the rage too and then there were lots of stories added on, I had to stop reading for my own health.
I had an Ex that did this. Missing planes was the norm, forgetting passports, losing money - you name it, I’m so glad he’s my ex. I twitch when I remember.

Out of noseyness, because we have two family members with suspected ADHD, @SimonJT does your medication have bad side effects? It sounds like a magic wand to be on it, but I’m guessing it’s not that simple.

@ThePricklySheep

Out of noseyness, because we have two family members with suspected ADHD, *@SimonJT* does your medication have bad side effects? It sounds like a magic wand to be on it, but I’m guessing it’s not that simple.

It depends on the person, dose, type of drug etc.

Mine causes sleeplessness and appetite loss. The sleeplessness isn’t a huge problem as I have good sleep hygiene and I take melatonin which helps.

The appetite issue is a problem for me if I’m ill, when I’m ill I feel extremely sick if I eat, this stops once my medication is out of my system. This happens even with a common cold. As I’m a type one diabetic I can’t not eat when I feel rough. Right now I’m recovering from covid so I’m not medicated as I know it will lead to bad nausea. I’m also a recovered ED patient so there is an additional issue with experiencing nausea when I eat.

When I’m physically well my reduced appetite isn’t a problem at all and doesn’t stop me eating, doesn’t make me feel overly full etc.

There's a short story by Roald Dahl called "The Way Up to Heaven" where the husband does this on purpose to piss his wife off. He gets stuck in their lift as they are about to leave for the airport and she just fucks off on holiday and leaves him to die. Can't blame her tbh.

Mines a bit like that, and also suspected ADHD. Lots of trying to decide / find items of outdoor clothing, forgetting of keys, wallets etc etc. I am mildly supportive and have developed the skill of keeping an eye on things, but still get gritted teeth rage when he can't find any of his 6 billion pairs of reading glasses....

So many times we have finally left the house and are half way down the street when he has to go back for something while I loiter on the pavement like a spare part. Also he'll announce he's popping out for something, then announce his actual departure an hour later when I think he's already gone. Been together ten years and have learned to live with it.

Oh and back in the old days trying to leave a pub / party.... it can take an hour to get from the bar to the exit because he gets embroiled in a conversation with multiple people on the way while I'm acting like a demented sheepdog trying to gently round him up, especially if it's a "schoolnight" lol. We're good friends with our local bar staff and they very good naturedly help when I'm pressed against the window giving a Masonic sign of distress ....

He gets "sidetracked" easily....bless him.... grrr.

So yes, I feel your pain.

My DH has suspected ADHD too and a lot of this is familiar.
I remember one day he sat in our drive for 50 minutes trying to programme a destination into his motorbike GPS. The destination was a 45 minute drive away ffs.

Ahhhh my people!!!
Honestly nothing makes my blood boil quicker than standing waiting on DH fannying about.

If we need to leave for something specific or a wedding, I will tell him we need to leave at 12, when we don't need to leave until half 12.

It's worse as I fucking hate being late and plan everything to leave at x time. I can get myself and toddler up and ready and yet were STILL waiting.

Will also be happy take on any cell mates as will happily do time for murdering him over this.

(Luckily due to lockdown we don't fuckin anywhere together anymore)

Mine is actually the complete opposite, just for balance. Equally irritating though. Will say, 'right, leaving in 10 mins everyone get ready', will fetch coats and shoes, run around making sure the children are good to go, brushing teeth etc. My husband will be sat there gawping at the tv, no inclination to help the children, make sure he's in a half decent state, check the cats are in, pick up any toys etc, unless you ask to do any of it. Thinks it's acceptable to just put his own coat and shoes on, and then moans that he was 'waiting for me' like I was the one faffing .

We had a huge argument once because the children had turned the living room into a bomb site 5 minutes before leaving the house, and he was in typical 'well I'm ready' mode telling me off for pointless tidying before leaving. Who wants to come home to a messy house? Oh, apparently I was just tidying incase we had burglers .

I have very good reasons to suspect he has undiagnosed autism. He absolutely lacks common sense about things he doesn't see as 'logical' and will argue the toss about them. Unless you give very specific instructions, he lives on autopilot of what he needs to do and absolutely ignore anything and everything else.

@Shoxfordian

I just couldn’t marry someone like this

I didn't. This has happened over lockdown.

My DH says he's popping out to the garage to get milk/bread etc - whatever we've run out of.

Hmm "popping out" does not happen. Half an hour later he's still here faffing around with his coat and shoes and finally goes. When I say I am going, I go! But he doesn't. I am completely with you, OP.

I am mildly supportive and have developed the skill of keeping an eye on things, but still get gritted teeth rage when he can't find any of his 6 billion pairs of reading glasses....

This made me laugh. I'm short sighted and need glasses all the time (although now we are home a lot more I often dont put them on until going out/needing to go on a screen or watch tv) I have 2 pairs of current prescription and 1 "emergency pair". I know where they all are and would be able to find within seconds. DH needs reading glasses for an increasing number of things and seems to have about 6 pairs dotted around the house. But if he says "has anyone seen my glasses" one of us will hand him the nearest pair......but theyre never the right ones! There is one preferred pair, one pair he wears only upstairs when he is scrolling on his phone in the morning, and several that dont seem to serve any purpose except cluttering up the house!
Also after faffing and not showering until 3 min before we are supposed to leave every time we go to a restaurant, he gets the menu, pats his jacket, and says "I should have brought my glasses..." but I guess that would make us even later if we had to factor in finding the correct pair before leaving!

@bumblingbovine49 think you’re missing the point. You can’t categorically say it’s worse for OP’s husband than it is for her just because your own behaviour upsets you. You don’t know them.

I can be a bit like this - but it’s things like, I has forgotten I had my purse somewhere other than by the front door, or I’ve taken my glasses off and they’ve been moved. It’s annoying particularly because my memory has severely deteriorated in the past year (assuming because of stress rather than anything more alarming) so I often can’t even retrace my own steps.

Normally only hold myself up and never for more than a few minutes, thank god.

I think I should point out that I never give him a hard time...I USED to...we've been together twenty years and it's only since we realised what it could be that I am more patient.

But I had to vent on here because I was so irritated. I usually help him plan to make sure he leaves the house in time for work or appointments when he's going out alone.

Probably exacerbated by lockdown..... be kind to yourself...and him xxx maybe take some solo space..... also tell him you're ready 15 minutes before you actually are, they maybe you won't notice so much 🙏😎

@fuschia2000

Probably exacerbated by lockdown..... be kind to yourself...and him xxx maybe take some solo space..... also tell him you're ready 15 minutes before you actually are, they maybe you won't notice so much 🙏😎

No we're in Oz. No lockdown in this state.

YES to all this! We were recently in quarantine for 2 weeks. Knew we would be released the sat afternoon but not sure what time. The call came and kids and I threw on our shoes all excited to leave the house....and then had to wait 15 mins for OH to do a poo.

Just showed my DH this because he is exactly the same and it drives me MAD. Every single time we are all ready to go somewhere in the car he will leave us waiting at least 10 minutes which just infuriates me. He decides it’s time to brush his teeth, have a coffee, have a shit, spend ages searching for something he could have and should have found much earlier. I’ve driven off without him a few times to make a point because it drives me absolutely mental. He honestly potters about in the house while I’m sitting in a car with 5 DC buckled in the back usually shouting WHERE IS HE? WHY DOES HE ALWAYS DO THIS? WHEN CAN WE GOOOOO? And the baby will often cry too. Hate it.

Do these faffing time wasters do this on work days? to colleagues? or just when it involves their families?
There’s been threads about this before, all
the last minute ‘tasks’, ADHD aside it’s often remarked that it’s a case of they don’t think your time is important and everyone can wait for them, it’s a selfish behaviour not always ADHD.

My grandad was just like this, bless him.

And he was even later for his own funeral! It raised a laugh on the day 😊

It's all about power. They purposefully make you wait for them.