To get so wound up by how long DH takes to leave the house?

[FortunesFave]

He's so fucking DELIBERATE about everything he does!

Tying his shoes...he lines the laces up to make sure they're the same length.

He leaves. He comes back to fill his water bottle. Then leaves. Then fucking comes back because the water tastes gross so he wants lemons in it.

Then he leaves.

Then...he's back! He forgot poo bags for the dogs.

He literally takes an hour to leave sometimes.

The fucking sound of his shoes up and down the wooden floorboards makes me want to EXPLODE!

Sorry I had to put it here. We've worked out he's likely to have ADHD but not diagnosed.

I try to help him sometimes but he says it makes him forget even more things and needs to be left to it.

My fellow choir member had this problem with husband disappearing to the loo as they were leaving for church, 9:15 choir practice for 10:00 service. She'd be ready to go, toddler in tow, but he'd delay (partly because he'd be looking after the toddler during rehearsal which finished at 9:45, I suspect.) Quite a long trip, buses a bit unreliable on a Sunday morning, so she was a bit stuck.
So I offered to pick her up en route, leaving hubby to follow on in their family car closer to 10.
I don't think he really thought this would happen, judging by the anguished cry emanating from the loo as she left the house, calling out to him that their son was now all his to wrangle into the child seat when he emerged and was ready to follow on. (But he couldn't express his annoyance without tarnishing the "nice guy" image he cultivated.

Husband always goes to the loo just as we’re meant to leave. He says it’s from being told to go before leaving since h me was young, fair enough but if you know that then go 5 minutes before we leave not at the actual time we have to leave!

@KatherineJaneway

It's all about power. They purposefully make you wait for them.

I don't think this is completely true. I have OCD and it can take me ages to leave the house nothing about power and I wish I didn't have to do it but if I didn't the intrusive thoughts would eat away at me. I don't think it's about power at all if he genuinely has to do it in a certain way. It's just as annoying for us as it is the person waiting. Trust me.

@ThatsNotTheTeaHunty
I think you’re only seeing it through your own experience, not everyone’s behaviour is due to OcD or ADHD, there are people who are selfish, controlling and basically twats, not every poor behaviour has to be excused with a diagnosis.
You can literally read a post on MN and guarantee ADHD will be mentioned, my DS has Aspergers and I hate to see it being thrown about to excuse rude or nasty behaviour.

I read your post, OP, thinking your DH sounds exactly like my DP. He has ADHD. Our eldest son is currently undergoing diagnosis. It's fun trying to get out of our house!

[quote HerMammy]@ThatsNotTheTeaHunty
I think you’re only seeing it through your own experience, not everyone’s behaviour is due to OcD or ADHD, there are people who are selfish, controlling and basically twats, not every poor behaviour has to be excused with a diagnosis.
You can literally read a post on MN and guarantee ADHD will be mentioned, my DS has Aspergers and I hate to see it being thrown about to excuse rude or nasty behaviour.[/quote]
Oh yeah I suppose.
Now you've said that I get your point. Didn't mean to offend anyone and hopefully I have not.

It's highly likely he has ADHD. Our DD has recently been diagnosed.

Sounds like my BIL. Me and my sister take bets on how long it will take him YANBU it drives her insane too!

My husband is always making us late but I actually think it's deliberate arrogance on his part...a whole other thread!

This sounds like my brother. He can't even end a telephone call. It's so frustrating.

Me: Hi do you want to meet on Thursday

Him: well have a think about it and let me know.

Me: I don't need to think. Let's just meet Thursday.

Him: I'll give you a call back to discuss it.

This also translates into faffing when he's organising things, faffing to go out, etc

I didn't know ADHD may be a cause. I put it down to anxiety and he's very controlling.

If it helps. I have ADHD and I find myself completely annoying too. It's fucking frustrating and annoying to have executive dysfunction. As you basically can't run your life properly. Drives me mad.

I call my dp a sloth he moves so slowly and it drives me up the wall. For his birthday this year I picked up a supermarket birthday cake I thought the kids would like (he hates cake and doesn’t eat it ever but the kids would be distraught if I didn’t get one”.

Anyway wasn’t paying attention and low and behold the cake was a sloth! Got a bollocking for trying to pick a fight and be passive aggressive on his birthday. I still wonder if I did it subconsciously but genuinely wasn’t purposeful!

Ex has undiagnosed ADHD. His family found his behaviour very endearing that he couldn’t be anywhere on time, they’d always factor this in, tell him lunch was an hour earlier than it really was etc. His general tardiness added hugely to my anxiety/ PND at the time, as I had to be the only adult managing 2 dc under 3 whilst constantly cajoling him too. I couldn’t rely on him. YY to filling his tyres at the most inappropriate time, on the way to dinner or on the way home with a screaming baby in the car. Or waiting for him to poo when the taxi is outside ready to take us to the airport. In the end we’d drive everywhere separately. It meant I could leave when dc were tired or hungry as opposed when he was ready to.

To PP saying that they can’t help it, and I’m sure they can’t but funnily enough if there was a rugby or football match he was going to, he’d manage to get himself out of the door and there on time. Same as going to work or a business meeting etc. I find it awfully disrespectful. Thankfully we’re divorced now but he’s still never on time, unless it really suits him.

My other half will say he’s ready, then gaff about while I stand by the car for 10 minutes. However, if I am not ready to go out the door the very millisecond he’s ready, there’s a low pitched whine that does not stop until I am ready.

Simon JT, I take Melatonin as well. Works really well for me and natural too!

FIL is like this. It’s definitely a case of being self-centred.

He once managed to take longer to put his socks and shoes on to leave the beach than it took us to strip off and dress a wet toddler.

My DH is like this too. He's SO slow to get ready, or do anything really. He has the same getting ready routine wherever he is going.

Important meeting at work? 45-60 minute getting ready routine
Dropping kids at nursery? 45-60 minute getting ready routine
Taking landfill to the skip? 45-60 minute getting ready routine.

Routine is always started with about 15 minutes before he has to be ready. Drives me absolutely crazy. The deliberate nature of everything does, SO SLOWLY, without a care for what time it is or how late we are. In the meantime I will have got myself and 2 children ready + packed car, made picnic etc.

In the old days I always picked him up from work on a Friday night, I'd say when I was setting out to give him time to be ready, and he always left me waiting outside his work for ages. Every single week, and every week I'd be planning the divorce and hating him and myself for being there and too weak to drive away and leave him.

He's slow at everything. If I ask him to choose something specific (like a birthday card) at the shops it will take him minimum 30 minutes, maybe more.

He is a genuinely lovely person most of the time but has no idea how his slowness impacts me/kids. He does things to his own schedule and cannot change.

My "faffing" is due to DH bringing forward the time he wants us to leave by as much as 15 minutes, then CHIVVYING me.

He'll say he wants to stop for a coffee then call in to the supermarket before we go to Bob's at 11am. I mentally work that backwards (which he totally rips the piss out of me for, no idea why he finds it funny) to calculate what time we need to leave, give another 10 minutes leeway, and say OK, let's leave at 9.50am.

I'll start getting ready with that time in mind (poo bags, treats and water for the dog, the right harness and lead for the car, strap down my hair, put any washing in the drier, get the right socks, shoes and coat for the occasion, and gather any items we've promised to take to anyone).

He sits and studies his phone up to 9.30am, jumps up and puts coat and shoes on, stands in the doorway at 9.35 and shouts "ARE YOU READY".

No I'm bloody not, my hair is everywhere, I've got one sock on and the washing has 2 mins left to finish. I end up rushing, looking wild and frizzy haired, washing left to fester all day because he won't wait, the dog's got no water and I've definitely forgotten something.

I'm sweaty and irritated and a mile down the road he either says "Did you pick up the compost for Bob?" (I didn't) or "Why are you in a bad mood?"

He's always threatening to "leave without me" even when I point out that he's trying to leave 10 minutes before I'd planned.

My ex would always "need" a wee before going anywhere (my dad is the same). Anywhere he wanted to go, he's be up, ready and out the door in 15 minutes. Anywhere I wanted to go, we'd have to watch the end of a program first, maybe have a cup of tea, then the wee, then ask what he should wear etc. Drove me cracker.

One of my female friends is worse though, if we're going anywhere she cant leave the house without checking she's got tissues and chewing gum (which she never uses) and doing some other faffy job like emptying the washing machine. Although obviously at the moment Id love to have the opportunity to be waiting to go anywhere with her 😆

@RavingAnnie

If it helps. I have ADHD and I find myself completely annoying too. It's fucking frustrating and annoying to have executive dysfunction. As you basically can't run your life properly. Drives me mad.

That's sad to read but totally relatable! My dh has adhd and he often says he annoys himself with his 'ways' Medication has helped hugely but normal, everyday life is still a battle for him

I don't think it's about power at all if he genuinely has to do it in a certain way. It's just as annoying for us as it is the person waiting. Trust me

2 ways to find out.

1 - leave without him. On time.
2- when he's ready and finally put the door. Go back in yourself. If he then goes back in its a power trip.

There seem to be plenty of people capable of being up ready dressed and out out the door when it's something they want to do. And if they were late for work they'd get the sack. Those who need the emergency shit or to hoover the car when you are taking your kid for an eye test so you miss the train, would not he missing said train in had tickets to a football match.

More people are just selfish, controlling and full of their own self importance than have adhd. Although I get how do of something is probably easier to accept than the fact they are just a dickhead with zero respect for your time they happily waste.

Ive just recalled one time my exH spent the entire day cycling. On our wedding anniversary. I'd booked us a table at a fancy restaurant. He knew abput it jn advance and knew the time we were booked. Arrived home 30 minutes before we were due there. I was already ready by the time he got home. He looked surprised to see me there ready to go, then I saw the penny drop. He got showered and changed quite quickly but still managed all his usual faffing and asking what he should wear then sat there all night looking knackered and making zero conversation

This drives me insane, especially when I have got three people ready in the same amount of time. I now get myself ready and do the tasks I've said I'd do and then I just sit down and wait for him to finish. I have also been known to just go if he isnt ready to go.

Mine too...he's lovely but I do have to walk out the house and wait while he rearranges a cushion, looks for shopping list etc.

My uncle’s stepfather lived in a beautiful part of Wales and him and aunt would go there for holidays.
One year she was not ready at the exact time he had given her so he went without her. She didn’t realise until she left the house to get in the car.
He was a cold fish though.