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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get so wound up by how long DH takes to leave the house?

117 replies

FortunesFave · 07/02/2021 12:17

He's so fucking DELIBERATE about everything he does!

Tying his shoes...he lines the laces up to make sure they're the same length.

He leaves. He comes back to fill his water bottle. Then leaves. Then fucking comes back because the water tastes gross so he wants lemons in it.

Then he leaves.

Then...he's back! He forgot poo bags for the dogs.

He literally takes an hour to leave sometimes.

The fucking sound of his shoes up and down the wooden floorboards makes me want to EXPLODE!

Sorry I had to put it here. We've worked out he's likely to have ADHD but not diagnosed.

I try to help him sometimes but he says it makes him forget even more things and needs to be left to it.

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 07/02/2021 13:27

My husband takes about a week to shower too. I've started to wonder if he was purposely avoiding parenting so now I sit on the bed and play on my phone for 20 minutes before showering.

Busydoingnowt · 07/02/2021 13:28

My dp is similar. I don’t how it can be such a faff to put shoes and coat on and leave through the fucking door. I now refuse to even start getting ready to go out until he is completely ready to leave. Even THEN I’m still ready first. I don’t even know how that is possible.

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 07/02/2021 13:30

Not DH, but my dad is like this. The worst part is that he'll be all "Come on! Are you ready yet!" and then as we come, he'll say, "right, I'm ready. I've just got to wash my face, comb my hair and blow my nose". Quite often he needs the toilet as well, even though he's made out he's been waiting for everyone else and could easily have been then.

He always insists on combing his hair and performatively blowing his nose just before going anywhere and it make my mum want to stab him.

79andnotout · 07/02/2021 13:31

My DP seems to realise he needs to water every bloody plant in the house just as we're about to leave.

I go to the car, put 6 music on, and read the paper or mumsnet. As before I got so angry once over it I reversed into my neighbours car! Now I chill, and tell everyone we're late due to him.

theleafandnotthetree · 07/02/2021 13:33

@Oysterbabe

If I ever kill my husband this will be the reason.
Agreed, faffing is one of the irritating habits (decisions?) ever and used to bring me out in a near murderous rage. One of the reasons why I have an EX husband. Totally identify with the sound of the feet going back and forth on a wooden floor, every footstep bringing my closer to exploding. I'm actually not a very uptight person (really!) but there was something about that back and forth and accompanying muttering and patting down of pockets to check for things...getting mildly panicky just remembering it
FishWithoutABike · 07/02/2021 13:34

I relate completely to this post. My DP is also ADHD.

WetJan · 07/02/2021 13:39

I shall be banged up with Otsterbabe.

I shall cite "ooh, just need to brush my teeth" and needing to inspect the fucking guttering every time we're running late for wot drove me to it, guv.

Plussizejumpsuit · 07/02/2021 13:41

OP I hate being around people looking for things and slowly getting ready. I think it harks back to my parents being a bit chaotic and not knowing where stuff was. I'm OK if I'm say up in the bedroom. But if I'm in the living room and my partner is fannying on in the next room it can be annoying. I feel like it is causing a pause in my day. Like he's underfoot. Not that he's particularly terrible but not efficient either!

Not that he goes out much anymore now so it's a moot point!

maras2 · 07/02/2021 13:42

Mine was like that pre kids, ie. 40 years ago, but with the 'just cleaning my teeth' ie. 20 minute bowel evacuation. Envy not envy.

gamerchick · 07/02/2021 13:43

@SimonJT

Ah this is me, I have ADHD which isn’t currently medicated.

My routine when I get home is to take everything off (apart from underwear) I obviously don’t stand in one place while doing this. So when I go out again I have to look for clothes, shoes, wallet, keys. Once I’ve finally got all that together I’ll then panic about food, so then i’ll check my bloods, eat something small if needed, additional insulin if needed. Then I might need a wee, I hate public toilets so I’ll do anything I can to avoid them, while I’m weeing I’ll get distracted by shampoo bottles, smudges on the mirror, I look at patterns in the wood on the sink. I might notice my beard looks odd so I’ll give it a trim, or I’ll clean my teeth again because I can’t remember doing them. By this time I’ve forgotten we’re meant to be leaving the house.

When my ADHD is medicated its a case of get dressed, shove shoes on and outside in a few minutes.

You just spend indoors dressed in duds only?
WhatKatyDidNxt · 07/02/2021 13:44

I can’t bear faffing about. I would be tempted to travel separately to everywhere with him. My ex-husband always had to be hassled out the house, doubley annoying when l was the one who had checked the back door was locked, the cats had water, we didn’t need more milk etc

Oysterbabe · 07/02/2021 13:46

I shall cite "ooh, just need to brush my teeth" and needing to inspect the fucking guttering every time we're running late for wot drove me to it, guv.

Oh god it's the teeth brushing here too! It has to be the last thing he does. So he'll come downstairs after having a shower. Locate several items needed before leaving the house then say
'right just need to brush my teeth'
Then go back upstairs (to the ensuite in the loft room) to brush his teeth and do who knows what else, because it takes forever. Why in the name of God can't he brush his teeth immediately after showering?
No ADHD or other issues here, he's just annoying.

Forgetaboutme · 07/02/2021 13:46

I understood your frustration. My DH is the exact same. In and out, pottering about. Taking ages! It really bugs me too. Right now we are both WFH together and stuck im together constantly and i know it sounds bad but sometimes I'm just desperate for 30 mins peace to watch a show of my own on the downstairs tv. I think he's gone and press play, 5 mins later hes back in etc.

SockQueen · 07/02/2021 13:52

My DH can mostly get ready really quickly, but he never starts the process until about 5 minutes before we are supposed to leave. By which time I've got myself and two DSs close to ready. Then he needs to have a 20-30 minute poo. Then gets upset if I might be a bit grumpy or stressed. Apparently he hates being late too, though you'd never guess based on his actions.

MistleTOEboughski · 07/02/2021 13:54

Interesting that in people with diagnosed ADHD this problem is so much improved by medication. In which case if OPs DH has potentially got ADHD maybe worth looking into a diagnosis and thinking about it it is affecting other areas of his life to the extent that medication might be worthwhile or if it is only in certain things he has problems, can he use strategies to help him be more focused.

bumblingbovine49 · 07/02/2021 13:58

On our house, it is me who does this. I am accutely aware of how annoying it is because ot annoys the hell out me
Luckily my DH is kind and forgiving about this aspect od my peesonality .

Nowadays I .so depressed I don't go out as getting sorted to go out seems like it.would take ages. Take heart from the fact that this is nowhere near as bad for you op as it is for your DH no. I know.

Xiaoxiong · 07/02/2021 14:03

Yet another DH here who claims to have been ready to go for ages, but then decides to go to the loo right as I get my coat and boots on and we are about to walk out the door. And not for a 20 second wee, but a 20 min poo.

See also - food's ready, I call the family to the table to eat, he disappears to the loo and his food is stone cold when he gets back and we have all practically finished eating. I tried giving a 10 min warning, giving a precise time when dinner would be ready, but still he waited until the kids and I sit down to disappear. HOWEVER, I have solved this - we have been watching episodes of old TV shows with the kids over dinner and we don't wait for him to start watching and won't start again from the beginning - magically, he now makes it to the table with the rest of us!!

Camphillgirl · 07/02/2021 14:07

We missed so many flights because of DH doing his, I would do everything and be sitting in car with 4 kids and DH would decide to do a bit of weeding/sweeping before he left home to catch plane. I wised up and started telling him flight/appointment/whatever was one hour ahead of time. Meant I had at least twenty minutes breathing space instead of being a mangled wreck.

theleafandnotthetree · 07/02/2021 14:18

@bumblingbovine49

On our house, it is me who does this. I am accutely aware of how annoying it is because ot annoys the hell out me Luckily my DH is kind and forgiving about this aspect od my peesonality .

Nowadays I .so depressed I don't go out as getting sorted to go out seems like it.would take ages. Take heart from the fact that this is nowhere near as bad for you op as it is for your DH no. I know.

I am sorry you feel so bad about this, but you absolutely cannot say that it is nowhere as bad for the OP as it his for her husband. This OP's might have ADHD and will hopefully have medication or learn how to manage things better but it is fucking awful to be the recipient of this kind of fading REGARDLESS of the cause. And theres plenty that do it with no such excuse, they just don't care enough about the time and perspective of others to get their act together
theleafandnotthetree · 07/02/2021 14:19

Faffing, not fading obviously

theleafandnotthetree · 07/02/2021 14:21

@Camphillgirl

We missed so many flights because of DH doing his, I would do everything and be sitting in car with 4 kids and DH would decide to do a bit of weeding/sweeping before he left home to catch plane. I wised up and started telling him flight/appointment/whatever was one hour ahead of time. Meant I had at least twenty minutes breathing space instead of being a mangled wreck.
We all have/had our ways of managing this kind of behaviour but I increasingly asked myself, why the hell should I? He was not a child and I was not his mother. Oh the relief to not have to deal with it anymore in my life!
TurquoiseDragon · 07/02/2021 14:21

Some people are born faffers, ADHD or not.

bumblingbovine49 · 07/02/2021 14:25

I can say whatever I like and I stand by the fact that the op can leave and fund someone perfect who dies not faff on leaving the house. Her DH does not have that option he is stuck with it for life. Medication might help as might organisational strategies , many of which I have put in place to ensure I keep appointments and jobs . These strategies have worked well for me for 40 years but they absolutely exhaust me , so forgive me for explaining that the amount of work involved in staying organised for someone with ADHD is a lot. I don't imagine the op will care about that as long as her DH ceases to irritate her, that is fine.

TurquoiseDragon · 07/02/2021 14:32

Actually, some faffing may be due to things like ADHD.

Other faffers may simply be displaying learned behaviour. And in some cases, the faffing is a form of controlling behaviour.

Wannabegreenfingers · 07/02/2021 14:32

My exh was like. I used to joke that they will put 'I just need to' on his tomb stone. We also couldn't go from a-b without going via somewhere. Generally the garage, the tyres seemed to need endless air, Costa to pick up Coffee, often TKMaxx for a new t-shirt or baseball cap (I'm not kidding). One of the many reasons he is an ex!!