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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ruined our lives with second baby

88 replies

FatherNeilHannon · 06/02/2021 16:29

We were happy. Have a beautiful 6 year old and life was easy. Now got a 4 week screaming baby, everything is hard and shit. AIBU to ask if it gets any easier.

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 06/02/2021 16:32

You’ve been through the baby stage before right? The first 6 weeks at least will always be hard but then it’s whether the baby is a sleep through or a difficult to the nth degree or somewhere in between. It’s a bit extreme to say you’ve ruined your lives. Do you want to talk about it more to let off steam?

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 06/02/2021 16:33

Yes it does,I appreciate you’re immersed in it with a baby who cries.
It’s physically and mentally gruelling to have a new wee baby
Take care,try eat well.prep some food in advance,take it hour by hour.you’ll get there - honest
Has the hv done a check up to rule out any physical causes?

Lndnmummy · 06/02/2021 16:33

Yes it will. I promise. I was exactly where you are 2 years ago. I also had a 6 year old. It will get better, I promise you. I documented how I felt on another mumsnet thread. If you dm me I’ll send you the link.

Original poster
FatherNeilHannon · 06/02/2021 16:34

No physical causes, he's doing very well. I've been suffering from severe postnatal anxiety so constantly on red alert (I'm being treated). I just feel like life was lovely and now it's shit.

OP posts:
HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 06/02/2021 16:35

@Lndnmummy that’s a nice supportive post

TickTockBaby · 06/02/2021 16:35

Yes.
It will get better.
4 weeks is small, a 6 year old is showing independence, which means things flow a little better.
I felt similarly 8 months ago after having DC2, I also have a 5 year old.
I remember thinking why the hell I chose sleepless nights again, the exhaustion of it all why the f did I do it.

But now it's easier, we are in our new normal. DC1 adores the newbie. The baby sleeps through and our days have adapted to everyone's needs.

It does get better and then it feels hard to remember what it was like before.

Be kind to yourself and lower your expectations for now, your eldest will be fine with a few lazy days and a little extra screen time until you all settle in.
Congratulations OP.

Original poster
FatherNeilHannon · 06/02/2021 16:35

Thanks lndnmummy, I'm glad it got better. How are things now?

OP posts:
Oh12lookanothernamechange1234 · 06/02/2021 16:36

Aww it really does, we had a 4 year old and a new born. They are nearly 6 and 18 months old now and they are hilarious together. DD (18 months) brought DS into his own, a fantastic big brother and I couldn’t imagine it any other way.

There will be jealousy, but your eldest is old enough to articulate themselves and tell you. It’s only natural x

cafenoirbiscuit · 06/02/2021 16:36

Bless you .... I’ve been there and it was so hard. First baby was a dream and second one had lots of reflux, cried and cried
It will get better. Can you take turns with a partner to take baby out for a drive so both of you can get some peace and quiet?

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 06/02/2021 16:36

Don’t be hard on yourself Ask your hv to make referral to perinatal team
Get the support you need,you are tired & stressed that’ll make things feel bleak

grey12 · 06/02/2021 16:37

Call your GP and they'll refer you to get some help.

I struggled with baby no3, and just thought without her I could do a better job at home schooling and all that. Things are much better now Smile sometimes just making that call and talking to someone makes a huge difference in your attitude and mood

Good luck!

goldeline · 06/02/2021 16:37

Yes!! DS was 6 when his little brother was born in March last year. It was rough, but has got so much easier already. DS makes him laugh more than anyone else and loves playing with him.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 06/02/2021 16:38

We have all been there,tired,scared,thinking wtf have I done

SummerHouse · 06/02/2021 16:47

Hello OP. I speak to you from the side. Let me get you a cup of tea. An offer once made to me by a kindly lady in Asda cafe when I had a screaming baby and crying toddler.

Having my second baby was the hardest time of my life. It was relentless and soul destroying.

Having siblings has been the best thing I have experienced in my life. They have a bond that is such a gift to see and a privilege to be a part of.

So while it was tough (god but it was tough) initially, I wouldn't change having two for the world. It is such good fun! We love each others company, we have amazing holidays, we laugh all the time. We basically walk in fields of gold.

The dark days, and I will be honest, with probably untreated PND were 8 months long, were 100% worth it and I think they make me appreciate my beautiful life so much more now.

My boys are 8 and 10 now and I can honestly say from DS hitting 8 months, it just got better and better.

Flowers and Brew

shouldistop · 06/02/2021 17:03

It will get better. The first 6 weeks are so hard and then the baby will begin to smile and coo at you and your 6yo and you'll realise what a gift a sibling is for your child and how much your baby loves you and everything will click into place Thanks

shouldistop · 06/02/2021 17:04

I used to hate it when people suggested a sling on these threads .... but do you have a sling?

KatyClaire · 06/02/2021 17:05

Sending you Cake / Brew / Wine / Gin / Flowers as needed. I hope you’re ok.

DinosaurDigestive · 06/02/2021 17:09

I can honestly say that it does get better.

I felt exactly the same way you do. It's normal and natural to feel this way especially at this stage. So many people do think about life was like before a baby arrived and compare it to the now. Especially with lockdown it is completely understandable.

This stage with a baby is so very hard and with having another child you can't nap when little one does and everything else that was managed with first.

Please don't do what I did and not speak to GP though. I felt same way you did with my youngest and I felt too you know to tell anyone especially the doctor. I eventually spoke to my GP and am on antidepressants and they have kicked in now. I can look back now and see now that I needed them sooner but I'm feeling better and you will get past this stage.

Please be kind to yourself my lovely. Your hormones will be all over the place as well still. There is no shame in asking for help. Thinking of you

minniemango · 06/02/2021 17:10

Every new baby is a shock, especially when you've had a gap and life has got easy!

My first two were 17 months apart so we were still in the nightmare bit and it didn't seem too much harder.
4th baby 3.5 years after the 3rd and was screamer - honestly if she'd have been the first we wouldn't have had a second let alone 4 Grin

But now we have a 3-11 year olds and life is pretty easy again.

Caterina99 · 06/02/2021 17:17

Mine are only 5 and 3 so not quite the same. But firstly I remember the hell of having a newborn and an older child. And 4 weeks is right in the thick of it. And secondly I didn’t have covid to deal with and all the associated shit that has brought.

I literally cannot imagine having a newborn now, even with the 3 year old, my eldest is SO independent. I’m sure it’s a huge shock to the system going back to the start again

Honestly the first few months are awful but soon the baby will start having more of a personality and sleep more and cry less and things will be so much easier!

Dragonflydragonfly · 06/02/2021 17:19

Hi OP. Had to reply because I know how you feel. My DS is now only 7 weeks old and I have a DD who is 4. We are so happy now, I look at both of them and feel so much love. We’re seeing his personality come out and all his smiles and it’s lovely.

However. Those first few weeks nearly broke me. He didn’t sleep (he’s much better now, getting solid chunks at night!). He cried and cried and cried. I cried and cried and cried. I thought I’d ruined all our lives. It was awful. But it passed, the fog started to lift, we found our feet and like I say now, I wouldn’t change a thing. And that was only a couple of weeks ago. So I wanted to say it really really does get better.

Don’t forget as well, it’s winter, it’s lockdown, things feel pretty tough. All of that will get better too and that will hopefully help too.

Be kind to yourself because it’s not easy. But it will get better

user1493413286 · 06/02/2021 17:28

I felt like you; I had DS last Feb and had pnd which hit me like a truck. I really wondered what on earth i’d done but it did get better I promise and now I can’t imagine life without DS and those newborn days feel like a distant memory.

corythatwas · 06/02/2021 17:41

Certainly got better for us. And so many lovely memories from the years that came after those first excruciating months. Seeing the pride and pleasure they took in each other. Coming into their room late at night and finding them curled up together because the youngest had had a nightmare and headed for the nearest place of safety and comfort. All laughing together as a family. Knowing that when they were teenagers there was someone there they could tell the things they couldn't tell us.

Hang in there, OP! It will get better!

Thatwentbadly · 06/02/2021 17:43

Oh god I remember that feeling. It does get better.

romany4 · 06/02/2021 17:50

Yes it will get easier.

My ds1 was an angel. Took to breastfeeding, napped regularly slept really well. Easy.

Ds2 was born screaming.
Was colicky. If I put him down he screamed. Refused to nap. Wouldn't sleep.
I had to carry him about the house in a sling to get anything done.
Absolute nightmare. Massive shock after ds1.
Then one day he just stopped. And smiled. And was lovely.

It felt like forever at the time but it was literally weeks.

Hang in there. It will change

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