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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ruined our lives with second baby

88 replies

FatherNeilHannon · 06/02/2021 16:29

We were happy. Have a beautiful 6 year old and life was easy. Now got a 4 week screaming baby, everything is hard and shit. AIBU to ask if it gets any easier.

OP posts:
Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 06/02/2021 18:09

Newborns are flipping hard (especially when you've not had one for a while) but at the moment with all that's going on, and very limited support or contact I imagine that it's an absolute nightmare.

Be as kind to yourself as you can - go to bed when your 6 year old goes if it helps, don't worry about grabbing a shower then just putting on clean pj's and do whatever you need to to get through the next couple of weeks. Nothing is more important than your little family, or your mental health.

One of the best things I ever bought was one of those big Fisher price baby swings that have the mobile and music built in, it was the only thing that my little one (who had dreadful colic) slept in, the rest of the time she was glued to me.

I adored the tiny baby stage, but there were days where I really wanted to run away, and felt so touched out that I wanted to scream. Then I felt guilty about feeling like that and felt like an awful mother - but I wasn't, and neither are you. You can love your children more than life itself, but still feel overwhelmed and wonder what you've done. I promise you a lot of women feel like you do, especially at the moment, but it will pass. Hang on in there, and speak to your GP or health visitor if you need to, sending you a big hug x

pointythings · 06/02/2021 18:22

It will get better. You're going to get help for your anxiety and your baby will outgrow the super hard newborn stage. Big handhold and Flowers from me.

Riv12345 · 06/02/2021 18:35

Things will get better op

I like kids when they are about 30

Merryoldgoat · 06/02/2021 18:38

It will. I have a 5 year gap and the shock plunged me into severe PND.

however I now have an 8yo and a 3yo.

It’s still tricky some days but it’s largely lovely. You are in the eye of the first storm. You will prevail.

Funnyface1 · 06/02/2021 18:52

I've been there too. Had 6 year old ds and life was great, dd came along and everything seemed so hard. She was a difficult baby, so much harder than ds and she had silent reflux too. I was also quite poorly following the pregnancy.

Now she's 4 and she's fabulous. I've recovered too and my kids have such a lovely relationship. I honestly thought we'd never have this, I was very very down. Nothing last forever, you can do it. Take any help offered too.

Original poster
FatherNeilHannon · 06/02/2021 19:01

Thank you everyone. I wish we could take help but lockdown makes it hard. My anxiety is also manifesting as health anxiety so I'm too terrified of Covid anyway. I don't like letting the baby out of my sight. I am already with the perinatal team for anxiety.

OP posts:
Frouby · 06/02/2021 19:02

Ahhh love, it gets easier, you know it does. I had a newborn and a 9 year old, dh (temporarily) turned into a cockwomble and was also working away monday to friday from baby ds being about 3 weeks old. I had no car, public transport was shite and besides, no point going anywhere cos ds would just scream. I was ebfing, semi cosleeping, recovering from a c section and I have never felt so alone or so vulnerable.

A sling actually saved my sanity. Not ones of those fancy bits of fabric that would have just been more stress, a caboo close I think it was, followed by an ergo when he outgrew the caboo.

I also joined slimming world and started eating better and losing weight. Plus I loved the social aspect. Know things are obviously different and you are probably a skinny minnie but just something once a week just for you as soon as you can.

An hour slot once a day for a nice long bath, hairwash, dry your hair etc will make you feel better, 1 to 1 time with your 6 year old to watch a bit of telly or read together and a nap whenever you can. Are you bfing? If not go to bed early and leave dp up with the baby.

It will get better. I found 4 weeks to about 12 weeks incredibly fucking difficult. But it's a temporary thing I promise.

JalapenoCheeseOnToast · 06/02/2021 19:09

Sorry you are finding it tough OP, I just wanted to say I found the baby part hell with DS but a lot of other stuff was going on which I thought made it so terrible and difficult. So I had DD when DS was nearly 8, completely different circumstances, wonderful DH etc and....the baby stage was still hell. Apparently I just find the first 8-12 weeks unbearable but it really does get better. Little things like the smile, the rolling, crawling, playing etc are fantastic! DS is 9 now and DD 15 months and it is honestly brilliant, they are best buds and I don't have any rubbish thoughts about it being a mistake ever now but those first few weeks all I could think about was how I wished I hadn't had DD, I'd ruined our perfectly good lives etc. It was horrendous (and the guilt from that too!) And I truly sympathise, your OP could have been written by me last year.
I don't have much advice except to give yourself a break where you can and grit your teeth when you can't, it WILL get better.

HitchFlix · 06/02/2021 19:11

I imagine most people with multiple children share this thought at some stage. It absolutely does get better. You're in the trenches. Life with a newborn can be awful, just awful at times.

Give it time. I found juggling the needs of two DC hellish at the start but now my favorite part of parenting is watching them interact - I'm quite glad I didn't throw the youngest out the window all those times I wanted to! Grin

louise4754 · 06/02/2021 19:13

I think it's an awful shock having a newborn. Mine are a bit older now but I've only just come out of the fog.

gingganggooleywotsit · 06/02/2021 19:14

It will get better I promise. I felt like you when had a baby after a 9 year gap. I felt like I’d been hit by a ton of bricks! I think when it’s a gap of more than 5 years it takes longer to adjust due to forgetting what the baby stage is like. Also you miss the simplicity of one older child, and I felt guilty like I had messed up our lives. Of course that wasn’t true but there was a really tough adjustment period and I did get pnd. Keep ploughing on by 6 months you will feel better.

gingganggooleywotsit · 06/02/2021 19:15

My baby is now 5 and is the absolute light of all our lives we all love him to bits and he has cheered us all up in the lockdown. You will get there

latedecember1963 · 06/02/2021 19:21

I remember this feeling all too well and mine are 27 and almost 22 now!
We had a 5 and 1/2 year gap between our sons. DS1 was an easy going baby, toddler and child. DS2 was the complete opposite.
It does get easier, honestly, although it feels like wading through treacle at the time.

Exasperatedcroc · 06/02/2021 19:24

Yes it gets better. Mine are now 11 and 6 and life is back to the way it was before number 2. The first few months will be hard but it gets better every day thereafter.

Onedaysomedaynowadays · 06/02/2021 19:25

Bless you OP, I feel your pain. I don't know why people like newborns. I think they're a living hell. DH took decent pat leave, DC was bottle fed so I didn't have to do all the nights and I still hated it! I remember walking past people with older kids in the street and feeling angry with them because WHY DIDN'T ANYONE WARN ME! I couldn't understand how anyone could voluntarily have more than 1 kid.

The first 12 weeks were genuinely the worst time of my life. Then the fog lifted, she stopped crying every minute of everyday and life slowly became a bit more manageable.

Now she's 2 and genuinely hilarious, I love spending time with her. We'd love a second bit don't know if I can face doing the newborn stage again. If I won the lottery I'd genuinely just outsource it to a nanny.

Hang in there, you're doing great x

Lifeinaonesie · 06/02/2021 19:26

Oh god yes we went through this. Had a 4 yo, finally sleeping through, life was good, then we had dc2. I felt for a long time I'd be ruined everything and particularly the bond with my DD. My bond definitely has changed as DH had to step up a bit more but dc2 is now 18 months and they love playing together and I get time to spend with both separately and it works pretty well and that's in lockdown. It does get better! It took a long time to get a bond with dc2 too but it did come.

R3ALLY · 06/02/2021 19:26

You poor thing. Our second was very difficult after a dream first . I remember feeling despair but it passed. He’s a big boy now but still very emotional and so loving. Mind yourself ...

minnie465 · 06/02/2021 19:29

Hoping to try for dc2 soon and your post is putting the fear in me. Hated the newborn stage too. DS nearly 3 and an absolute delight now though

Sarah180818 · 06/02/2021 19:29

We had an 8 year old and 3 year old and life was just starting to get easier and then we decided to have another baby who, for the first 6 months, was such hard work but he's now 1 and we are in a new normal and I can't wait for him to be walking and the boys to be running around and playing together. They are all so close and I couldn't imagine life without our third now even though it has been tough.

CycleWoman · 06/02/2021 19:29

OP I’m glad you are getting help, I had anxiety with my first and it’s horrific to deal with a constantly screaming baby when you are feeling that way.

I had my second at the beginning of the first lock down and he screamed non stop and wouldn’t be put down. I luckily escaped my mental health issues this time but I was beginning to panic that they would come back due to how hard I was finding it. Then he stopped. Around 6 weeks everything got a bit easier. Tbh I couldn’t put him down but I just put in in a sling all day so I could play with the older one.

Hang on in there and try to remind yourself it will definitely pass very soon. Flowers

dotoallasyouwouldbedoneby · 06/02/2021 19:31

You know it gets better...from last time round surely.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 06/02/2021 19:38

The first 6m were awful.

The second 6m there were glimmers of hope.

Now youngest is 17m old. Its brilliant. Older brother (4) has decided she is a human being worthy of attention. He will hold her hand when walking in the park - no more backache, hurrah! They play together. The other day I stuck a bed sheet over the clothes maiden and they played in there together for twenty minutes while I sat and drank a lovely cup of tea. Smaller one tidied up after big one. It's great!

It DOES get better.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 06/02/2021 19:47

of course it gets better.

You are exhausted. You also have to take care and entertain a 6 yo AND look after a newborn. You only had 1 last time.

You are being treated for your anxiety you are doing exactly the right thing.

There's a reason why we NEED maternity leave. It's already too much with one, let alone several children. You physically and mentally cannot do anything else until your body heals, and you get your spirits back.

It's ok to leave a baby scream for a few minutes you know. As long as they are safe/fed/clean/comfortable, its' fine.

shivbo2014 · 06/02/2021 19:53

I was the same as you 18months ago had ds when my dd was 5. I felt liked we'd turned our world upside down. Now, I am so glad we did. Couldn't imagine life without him. The first 12 weeks are the hardest I found. It got gradually easier as the little one could do more. Not they entertain each other and have such a nice bond it's lovely.

Echobelly · 06/02/2021 19:55

Feelings can be very strong these first weeks, especially if you are having anxiety, and I'm glad it's being treated.

When I see posts about 'Ruined life', 'I'm a terrible mum' etc, so, so often those are from the first six weeks of a baby's life when everything feels drastic and neverending, but, as others have said it will pass.

Newborns are utterly unpredictable and can feel like they have blown your world apart when another few weeks down the lines, things will settle down to being OK, and what they are like in the early weeks isn't necessarily any indication of how they will be in the long run, or what it will feel like to parent them.