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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ruined our lives with second baby

88 replies

FatherNeilHannon · 06/02/2021 16:29

We were happy. Have a beautiful 6 year old and life was easy. Now got a 4 week screaming baby, everything is hard and shit. AIBU to ask if it gets any easier.

OP posts:
Lostinspace23 · 06/02/2021 20:02

Hang in there. I felt like this after I had my first and she couldn’t have been more wanted - fertility treatment, miscarriage, years of begging the universe for a baby and then she finally arrived....the rush of love was immense but so was the anxiety and then she screamed for 6 hours every evening for almost 4 months. I thought that the universe was trying to tell me I shouldn’t have been a mother, that I’d ruined my life. It was awful but gradually it lifted and things got better. Now we’d like a second (although pretty sure it’s going to finish us off due to our advanced ages and being knackered!)

No real advice, just try and do what you can to get your moments of calm and self care. Good luck.

HauntedPencil · 06/02/2021 21:04

Going from one to two is quite a change - when I had my second I felt exactly the same.

When schools open you'll be able to get yourself straight and in a much better routine though I promise that it does get better

Dustyhedge · 06/02/2021 21:29

I remember crying with my second because I felt I’d ruined my first born’s life. I found two very hard and I think now my youngest is coming up for 2, we’re coming out of the end of the worst bits of juggling different needs. With the age gap you’ve got, things will definitely be easier once school is back to normal.

Laureline · 06/02/2021 21:30

I had DC2 when DC1 was 8, and I also thought I had made a mistake. But DC2 is now 2.5 years old, and our family feels just right. Hang in there. The first months were rough, but it got better.

Idontbelieveit12 · 06/02/2021 21:51

It will get better Flowers xxxx

Daphnise · 06/02/2021 21:57

Maybe a dissenting voice- you wanted another baby......

shouldistop · 06/02/2021 22:04

Maybe a dissenting voice- you wanted another baby......

Oh fuck the fuck off. Op delivered 4 weeks ago and has said she's suffering from severe post natal anxiety.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 06/02/2021 22:06

@Daphnise shame on you! Berating a vulnerable woman who’s recently delivered a baby

Wolfiefan · 06/02/2021 22:09

Ignore the eejit!
I had (what I’ve only realised after years was) PND and anxiety. (I’m prone to anxiety and depression anyway.)
I’ve never found the early weeks and months easy.
Today I sat and listened to my two (10 and teen) laughing and being daft over lunch. Having a sibling in a Loving family is a brilliant thing.
Wishing you better MH and many happy years ahead. Flowers

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 06/02/2021 22:41

Lovely kind post @Wolfiefan

Wolfiefan · 06/02/2021 22:46

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee it was so lovely listening to them chittering and chuckling away. They have a good relationship.
I’ve also found the right treatment and I’m so much better! I can enjoy my family. I wish you the same OP. Flowers

AllTheWayFromLondonDAMN · 06/02/2021 22:49

It does get easier! I imagine with a larger gap like that it is tougher in some ways because you’ve got used to them being normal humans who can do a lot of stuff for themselves and then bam, back in the baby stage (less than two years Terry mine, so it was just hell for three years and then fine after that) but the bonus is that you can get your 6yo to help and be involved. So do that. And remember that this too shall pass.

micc · 06/02/2021 22:54

Ah OP. It's hard I agree. My second DD is 3 months old, my first is 4. And although my baby has been quite easy so far I feel it changed my relationship with first DD. I felt so disconnected with her and felt I had ruined our relationship. I was distanced in my pregnancy too. I felt so guilty.
But now, 3 months after the fog is starting to clear and I'm feeling more myself again. I'm already playing with her like I used too and I'm feeling like it's getting easier. The baby is smiling and reacting to her now too so I think she feels more comfortable than when the baby was just sleeping and feeding 24/7.
It will get better OP. And it will be ups and downs. But as long as you keep talking about how your feeling and stay aware of your feelings you will get through it. Try not to let it get on top of you.

MumW · 06/02/2021 23:01

There are 5 yrs 6m between my two so very similar. They are now 20's/teen. The first month or two were hard in terms of a newborn and getting to school/activities but on the whole, it's been ok. A sling for the baby made a huge difference in the early days, leaving 2 hands free to give nearly full attention to the older.

There were ups and downs when the gap worked (eg older entertaining younger) or was more difficult (eg younger wanting to do the same as the older, bedtimes etc) but generally it's worked well for us. They are fiercely loyal and look out for and support each other.

Hang in there, remember, the baby stage is difficult full stop!

GLTM · 06/02/2021 23:26

Yes. I have a 5 month old and toddler. The first weeks were awful (both of mine had bad reflux and CMPA). My mum lived with us for 3 months after initially only coming as cover for the birth. She could see how hard it was. I thought I won't cope without her, but we have, it got so much easier after 3 months. It still tough, but they are adorable together and I enjoy it now. Hated the first 6 weeks, love it now.

So perhaps when you're feeling really down, say you will consider whether you've ruined your life in 6 months - or another time period. You will most likely have a different perspective. I hope it gets easier for you soon.

Original poster
FatherNeilHannon · 07/02/2021 17:36

Thank you everyone, it has been an incredible comfort to read your posts. Today's been another shitty day so it was much needed.

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 07/02/2021 17:38

It does get easier and the bond between siblings is magic. In a few months your 6 year old will be interacting with and entertaining her brother and your heart will burst watching them

Hope your anxiety gets better soon

Macey78 · 07/02/2021 17:43

Op it does get easier although helpful to know this but still hard everyday for you. I have a 4.5 year gap between mine and when number 2 came felt exactly the same although didn't recognise it as anxiety until the health visitor decided she was going to visit me daily as she was that concerned. I would say it took a couple of months for me to feel gradually better and now I have a delightful 6 year old and 10 year old.

Dreamylemon · 07/02/2021 18:16

It definitely gets better! Newborns are brutal and turn your world upside down - particularly in lockdown. My two are playing together right now and the best of friends. The love they have for each other is special to see.

The 6 year gap has been a shock I imagine. My eldest is 6yo and it feels like we are in a new phase of life in terms of their independence which is great.

I repeat- it will get better! Take all the help you can get for now x

nanbread · 07/02/2021 18:26

It does get better.

It's still hard, but so much easier if that makes sense.

foreverchangingmyname · 07/02/2021 18:40

It really does get better but I understand how awful this time can be. Ds has just turned 1 and dd nearly 4 and the bond they have is amazing but I remember thinking I'd ruined her life, mine and dp's at the beginning when their was no sleep happening and so very little patience. If you can't take it day by day, take it hour by hour.
When the baby naps, give your six year old something to do that isn't too hands on for you. I used to lie on the couch and direct dd with a jigsaw or put some kids yoga on and give encouragement while I lied down.
I understand it's hard with covid but is there anyone nearby who could help with maybe just cooking some meals to be frozen and dropping them at the door? I know (especially with anxiety) that you can feel like you're imposing on people, but believe me your loved ones will want to help however they can.
I promise, one day you'll look back and wonder what on earth you were fussing about but today isn't that day, and that's okay. If by the end of the day both kids are alive, fed, loved and (relatively) clean, then everything else can wait. It will all fall in to place, you'll see. Thanks

IDontLikeZombies · 07/02/2021 20:15

I could have written your OP. DS1 was 4 when I had DS2 and I felt like I'd ruined the poor wee boy's life.
5 years later they've just came through to do a show for me and they are laughing so much they've had to go away Grin They fight something awful but they are each other's biggest ally and they get each other in a way no one else does.
The first few weeks are absolutely brutal but it really does get better.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/02/2021 20:43

I think 6 weeks was the low low point
Crying in the night that they kept waking up and crying on purpose because they didn't love me.

Now they're 13 months and even though th y wake up just as I lie down or just do a random scream to wake me up, I know it's not personal.

It wil get better op x

marenghisdarkplace · 07/02/2021 21:07

I've got 5 and each newborn, as much as I loved them from the bottom of my heart, felt like a complete stranger in my house. This strange little person that I didn't know, keeping me up all night, and attached to me every moment of the day. The guilt that the eldest one is missing out, and that the newborn isn't getting the 'exclusive' experience that the 1st one had.

Soon you grow to 'know' them, and life feels ok again. And you won't ever imagine how you had life without them

Original poster
FatherNeilHannon · 08/04/2021 22:45

I just wanted to come back to this thread and say thanks to everyone who supported me. Baby is now 3 months and things are SO much better. He's a real smiley wee character and our family is now settling in together. I feel so much better and less bleak. Thank you!

OP posts:
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