Using Nursery whilst on maternity leave

[EmJM]

First time poster here. I’m a first time mum to a 6.5month old, and am considering putting her into nursery 1-2mornings a week, whilst I’m still on maternity leave. Looking for peoples opinions or some comradeship if anyone has done this?

My husband and I are finding the pandemic so so difficult. We have no family nearby to help (overseas and >300miles away), my husband is working from our small home, and we are both trying to do study as well. There are no baby groups here, or leisure centres and I’m starting to feel so isolated and totally wiped. I’m also so worried that my little girl is seeing no one apart from me and her Dad.

The local nursery have offered to give her two mornings a week. I wanted one only, but they said she wouldn’t settle properly. I am not planning to go back until she is 12minths old, We can afford it, and I know I will use the time wisely to recharge and to study.

BUT I still have massive massive Mum guilt. I worry I’m letting her down. That I’m not fulfilling the ideal of being a mother. Am I being lazy? Selfish? Am I wasting our money. It’s a total headF.

Would really love to hear from anyone who’s had experience of doing this. Or any advice.

Thanks Mums xxx

I need to say don’t seek or validate yourself by other folk opinion
Do what you need to do,what’s right for your family,your sanity ,your needs
There is always a mummy martyr who’ll vociferously tell you it’s your duty to be switched on and available 24-7. Why have baby if you palm or off to someone else yadda yadda
And finally lose the mummy guilt it’s destructive & toxic. So long as baby Is loved,safe and you’re responsible it’ll be fine

I put DS into nursery when he was 12 months although I didn't go back to work until he was 15 months. It was very useful as it meant that we got all of the settling in done before I started work and it also didn't matter when, for example, one of the other babies tested positive for Covid and he had to isolate. I was studying for exams at the same time so it was also useful to have a few clear days. That said, I would have hesitated to put him in if he was younger especially at the moment. By 12 months, he was pretty independent (could walk, fully weaned, only had one nap a day, was interested in everything) and benefited from the extra fun and stimulation at nursery.

My toddler went to Nursery two days a week when I was on mat leave with baby two.
We could afford it, we needed too to keep the nursery place for when I went back to work (it was a ‘put their name down as soon as they are conceived’ type of nursery -and it was needed - it meant he could have fun with his friends, develop social skills, get all of that fab early years development stuff a few days a week - and meant in the early days I had a couple of days when I actually could sleep when the baby slept (or actually just clean when the baby slept! Or do laundry!) - and when she was bigger we went to baby massage / post natal running class etc which I wouldn’t have been able to do with the toddler in tow. Don’t feel guilty if it works for your family!

If you had family nearby and it was your mum offering to take her for a couple of mornings a week so you could study, no-one would bat an eyelid. This is really no different- you need support and in the circumstances that means paying for childcare. At least this way she’ll be settled in a routine when you return to work. Do it, and please don’t feel guilty!

Do it. If it gives you the time to reboot/recharge/catch up on chores/do whatever you need to do then it’ll be better for all of you.
No guilt necessary. She’ll benefit from a chamge of scene and from a more refreshed mum.

I’m self-employed and there were many times when I wasn’t working but would still take my children to nursery. Sometimes I’d put my suit on when they wised up to work clothes and non-work clothes!

I'm not sure you really want the answer of other mums - we'll all give you a different view and none of them are yours

FWIW I think it's too young and that a baby at that age is best at home with mum and dad - it's exactly where they should be. Mine were older when I put them both into nursery, but I did it them in by choice and not because I had no other childcare available.

But why should what I think influence you? Do what's right for your family. A tough choice but not the first and not the last tough choice to make.

It’s your choice and for me the studying swings it. My baby went into nursery at 6m when I went back to work. She settled fine. I agree a day isn’t enough.

Not quite the same, but I was made redundant and had to look for work while one of my dcs was quite small. We got a place in nursery for one day per week, so I could jobhunt and have a break. But, it ended up being more stress than it was worth tbh, and we took her out again shortly after.

A friend found similar when she sent her ds for two half days per week. Ended up dealing with so many illnesses and upheaval that it was mucj more stressful than looking after him herself.

Re her not seeing anyone other than you and your dh; you are absolutely the most important people to her. Babies that age do not need interaction with loads of people. It doesn't do them any harm, but it is not essential; people tend to use nursery because they need to, either for work or study or to get a break. But that doesn't mean that nursery is better for the baby.

So, to be brief, whatever you decide within reason will be fine for her. Work out what will work best for the whole family. Don't feel guilty if that means nursery. Don't worry if it means no nursery.

We also have no local family and our dcs when they were babies mainly just saw us. It has worked out perfectly for us.

My dc was 18ish mo when we got the place at nursery FWIW, but if I'd needed to, we would have started sooner.

Sorry but I think she's too young unless it's for childcare so you can go to work. Also, you'd be putting nursery staff at unnecessary risk by sending her during lockdown. I have friends who work in nursaries, and are coming into contact with families who could be looking after their own children as they are SAHM.

I honestly mean this,I don’t give a hoot what other parents think I do not need their approval or affirmations
Don’t ask the mummy martyrs they’d have a baby Velcroed to you 24-7 while you wash your moon cup

If you want to do it...do it

In your position, I would do it. I had the help of my mum when I was on maternity leave and DP was working full time. Without her, I honestly don't know how I'd have coped. DS didn't sleep for more than 30-60 minutes at a time, no over exaggeration. He's 20 months now and still the most we get out of him is 2-3 hours and he wakes.

On days I had no plans, I found it so tough and so, so isolating to be stuck in the house alone. I can't imagine how hard it must be day in, day out for mums on maternity leave now.

One thing I really appreciated when on maternity leave was baby groups and soft plays to let DS socialise with other babies. Your DC can't get this right now and nursery offers that. Nursery will also allow you a bit of a break, either to catch up on sleep, study like you say, do a food shop without baby in tow or just to watch some tv! There's no shame in taking a few hours to yourself each week.

Also when I did go back to work, DS was with my mum as nursery was only open to key workers, so he didn't get to nursery until around 14 months. By this point he was very aware we were leaving him and it took around 4 weeks of him screaming most of the day at nursery before he started to settle a bit. I really wished I'd had the opportunity to put him in earlier when he was less aware so it was just the norm to him and so it wouldn't have been so hard for him to settle.

I have a 21 month gap between my kids and sent the toddler to nursery 5 days a week from 9-5pm with zero guilt for the first few months.

We dropped down to three days after that and, again, zero guilt. The eldest child got to play with his friends and do lots of crafty stuff and I got to nap with the baby and establish breastfeeding.

I can't even imagine how you would begin to cope with two little ones home all day every day with COVID. Take the nursery days.

Don't look back!

My 7 month old has just started a lovely outdoor nursery for two mornings a week. I intended to be a SAHM but was starting to get a bit crazy with nothing to keep my mind active in lockdown. I’ve got a little flexible, home working job and I feel like a new person. Just having a few hours off, even if it is to work has made a huge difference. My husband is working away from home for a few months and I have no family close so it gives me a little bit of time off.

I also think my daughter has made huge social development. She’s gone from being hugely shy to smiling at strangers in the supermarket. I think it’s been beneficial to us all round.

In normal circumstances I would be saying that you should absolutely do that, and that you have nothing to feel guilty about at all. Many people would be asking their mum to give them a break, or putting them into the crèche at the leisure centre while they went for a swim - but you don't have those options.

However, we are not in normal times. When Boris was recently asked why nurseries were being kept open when schools were partially closed, he said that it was so people could still go to work. I think, in the circumstances, people should really only be sending their children if they need to, as anything else is an unnecessary risk to staff.

Having said that - you have asked the question, and they have offered a place, so maybe they are more relaxed and not worried.

Yanbu to want a break and to find it relentless. But I do think 6 months is young for a nursery environment.

I would look first at your DH taking the baby for a solid chunk of time every week - weekend morning? Or rearrange work hours slightly somehow? Or perhaps he could take some shared parental leave?

Your DH doing it rather than nursery would be great for their bond as well as giving you a break.

If that doesn't work, I would look at a very part time nanny or mother's help. There are loads of people looking for work at the moment.

I would also try to think about ways to get some headspace while still looking after your baby. Mine loved being in the sling so I would sometimes go for a walk and listen to a podcast. Baby was super happy cuddled up in the fresh air and I got to feel like I had a break. Mine didn't really like the pushchair but some babies love it at this age when they can sit more upright and look at the world.

My dd went to nursery when I was on mat leave with ds. She had only started 5 months earlier and If I had removed her I would have had to start the whole settling in period again. It gave me two mornings a week where I could spend one on one time with ds and recover from my section. I don't regret it.

I would not have been sending her at 6.5 months though if I was on maternity leave with her as the point of mat leave is surely to spend time with your baby and recover. My dd would have been far too young to go to nursery as she couldn't sit up at that age.

The main thing is if your mental health is suffering and you think she will benefit then put her in. Noone can really tell you what to do, you have to do what you think is best. You will feel mummy guilt when she gets to 12 months and goes too.

I have friends who work in nursaries, and are coming into contact with families who could be looking after their own children as they are SAHM.

Nurseries are fully open- no need to be key workers etc, they are still charging fees so why shouldn't people send their children?

If you are completely happy with the nursery for her age (in my experience the provision for a 6.5 month old varies wildly, from bare minimum to keep them safe to incredible), then yes absolutely. They are open, plenty of little ones go in at that age.

as the point of mat leave is surely to spend time with your baby and recover.

OP will still be spending time with her baby, it's only 2 mornings a week. Plus there's no stipulation you must spend every second together during mat leave.

I put my first child into nursery still when second baby was born, just a few sessions a week but they enjoy and benefit from the interaction out of home. If me and DH were home together we'd have both kids at home but I felt baby 2 needed some alone time with mum like baby 1 had also had

The only thing I'd say is Covid does go through nurseries - my colleague had their child come home as bubble was infected and now the wife has it - so it's a calculated risk at the moment

You're going to get people questioning why you don't want to spend those mornings with your baby and you need to ignore them

A massive part of maternity leave is spending time with baby yes but also attending those baby groups and watching/ helping her develop and learn new skills. Those groups are closed but nurseries aren't.

If you can afford it then I would go for it. Not only do you can have a break but also for your daughter to get the opportunity to mix with other children and learn those important social skills. My little one started nursery at 12 months after 7 months of pandemic life having met no other little kids and he is thriving because of those days in childcare.

OP isn’t asking about putting her first born into nursery whilst she cares for her newborn. Plenty of people do that and it’s fine (like I am currently).
She’s asking about putting her only baby (the one she is on maternity leave for) into nursery whilst she gets a break.
OP, in normal times I’d think this was a bit strange. Maternity leave is there to spend with your baby. But - in normal time’s you’d have baby groups, be able to see friends and hopefully get some help from them. I think during a pandemic, do whatever you need to do to keep your family happy. Your little girl will be fine for a couple of mornings in nursery. When the rules are relaxed (not sure what country you’re posting from but in the UK we’re all hoping that by the summer we’ll have some sense of normality here) and hopefully baby groups start again and your husband is not wfh, maybe consider taking her out again if you feel up to it.

In my honest opinion, she's too young for nursery. She'd benefit much more from being with you than random strangers for 2 mornings a week.

Don't feel guilty that she only sees you and her dad, that's who she's supposed to be with as a baby, they don't need all the classes, they're mainly for the parents!

Your maternity leave is an opportunity to heal, bond, set up routines, relax (when she's sleeping) and spend time with your child that you'll unlikely get again. Life will pick up again when you're back at work.

Why don't you go back to work at 9 months? She'll be bigger then. I just personally think 6 months it's too little to be in a nursery setting without one to one care.

Can you look into getting a babysitter or nanny?

Can your partner take her for a few hours in the evening so you can study?

@screamingchild

Sorry but I think she's too young unless it's for childcare so you can go to work. Also, you'd be putting nursery staff at unnecessary risk by sending her during lockdown. I have friends who work in nursaries, and are coming into contact with families who could be looking after their own children as they are SAHM.

I agree.

In covid times, I would only use childcare if no other choice and it was essential to work. Not worth the risk of bringing the virus home or to the staff etc.
Before that, we never used childcare if not in work and wouldn’t have done at that age even with family as too young.