Using Nursery whilst on maternity leave

[EmJM]

First time poster here. I’m a first time mum to a 6.5month old, and am considering putting her into nursery 1-2mornings a week, whilst I’m still on maternity leave. Looking for peoples opinions or some comradeship if anyone has done this?

My husband and I are finding the pandemic so so difficult. We have no family nearby to help (overseas and >300miles away), my husband is working from our small home, and we are both trying to do study as well. There are no baby groups here, or leisure centres and I’m starting to feel so isolated and totally wiped. I’m also so worried that my little girl is seeing no one apart from me and her Dad.

The local nursery have offered to give her two mornings a week. I wanted one only, but they said she wouldn’t settle properly. I am not planning to go back until she is 12minths old, We can afford it, and I know I will use the time wisely to recharge and to study.

BUT I still have massive massive Mum guilt. I worry I’m letting her down. That I’m not fulfilling the ideal of being a mother. Am I being lazy? Selfish? Am I wasting our money. It’s a total headF.

Would really love to hear from anyone who’s had experience of doing this. Or any advice.

Thanks Mums xxx

Goodness me, if this is what you want to do, do it! You're probably going to feel mum guilt whatever you do, so you might as well feel guilty while getting a bit of time to yourself, rather than feeling guilty while gradually going insane.

I really wish I had done that with my first child. It took me far too long to get any headspace after he was born. And now, with covid and lockdown, headspace is even harder to come by.

I've chosen to go back to work early this time. DC2 has just started nursery at 4.5 months, four full days a week. I felt hugely torn and guilty and stressed about him going, for the reasons you describe, and especially during covid, but he goes in excitedly in the mornings and comes out beaming in the evenings, clearly getting more stimulation and socialisation than we can give him at home.

Sorry but I think she's too young unless it's for childcare so you can go to work

She’s either too young or she isn’t. It doesn’t make any difference to a baby whether they’re in nursery because their parents are at work or at home recharging their batteries.

Totally do it! It will be great for her and you. She will settle easily at this age.

I would do it.

You need a break too. It's hard being a Mum, and particularly with everything going on at the moment with no help.

I'm on mat leave atm. My 3 year old has been going to nursery 3 days a week while I am home with my 10 month old. I would have had a breakdown otherwise. Do what you need to do x

Adjusting to being a parent is hard, and yes your child should be top priority. However, you have not ceased to matter as a person and you are in for a pretty crap time of it if you care what other people think. Some will always disagree, who cares?

Do what is best for you and your family. If you need some time out for yourself, do it and FGS stop worrying and seeking approval. You'll know if it isn't working out and can always take them out of nursery if that's the case.

Having said that, my choice would have been different if we had lived with someone extremely vulnerable. And it does mean that we don't expect to see grandparents for months, even if lockdown ends. And the kids' bubbles have popped twice since new year, so we've hardly had any actual days of childcare... But I still think it was the right choice for my sanity and the children's development.

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

I honestly mean this,I don’t give a hoot what other parents think I do not need their approval or affirmations Don’t ask the mummy martyrs they’d have a baby Velcroed to you 24-7 while you wash your moon cup

This absolutely! For you and your DHs own mental health, having a day or so where you can really focus on your studying means that you can the focus more on the baby when she’s not in nursery. Nurseries and childminders aren’t full of screaming babies who are distraught at being torn from their mother’s breast - they're places of happiness and fun where children socialise with their peers and get used to being round other adults. Get her booked in now!!

I say do what you need to in order to keep sane. Maternity leave is hard enough without friends, baby groups and cafés.

Don't worry about her only seeing you two- that's categorically absolutely fine for a 6.5 month old. You can meet all her social needs just fine on your own and for attachment it's better for her to be in your care as often as possible.

That said, do what you have to to survive. In some countries babies routinely start day nursery full time aged 6 weeks or so.

I never did it but lord, I wish I did! Don't feel any guilt about it at all, if anything it'll give her more time to be sociable as she grows up which is not a bad thing!

I think I'd prefer for my baby's dad to take a day's leave a week to have the baby. I get what you're saying about socialisation but you are enough until your baby is much older imo. You can also have shared parental leave to overlap if you can afford that option (you could "give" DP some of your mat leave but he doesn't have to have it once you've gone back to work, it can overlap so you're both off together).

That's not for any reason other than that there's a pandemic on and we are personally being cautious. Depends on how you risk assess that though.

Take it will be great for both you& child.

My oldest went in at 6 months full time (returned to work), was fine and loved it.

Youngest DS is starting 2 mornings a week in April. He will be 2 and is more then ready. I don't need it for childcare as DM has him full time when I'm at work but it will give them both a break/change.

To be honest try it. If it doesn't work for you/her you can stop it.

Sounds like a brilliant idea to me! You deserve a break!!! It will allow you to recharge and be more energised when you do spend time the baby. They will also be socialising with other people and babies.

My little boy started nursery at 1 when I went back to work we both found it very difficult and I was kicking myself for not starting him earlier a couple of mornings so we could both get used to the idea. Don’t feel guilt do what you want to do.

I don't have an answer for you, but I have so much respect for new mums parenting in a pandemic.

Being with your baby 247 is a whole lot easier when you can go to baby groups or meet other mums for lunches. Entertaining a small baby inside your own 4 walks must be relentless.

My oldest started nursery at 1 year and found it hard to settle. My youngest went at 8.5 months and was much more settled. He still loves nursery now. Is the nursery good, do you feel comfortable with them? Disagree that baby groups are mainly for the parents. Babies begin early socialisation at baby groups which they can’t go to right now. If you’re feeling frazzled you’ll probably be a better mom for having a couple hours break twice a week. You’re hardly abandoning her for 12 hours 5 days a week. 3 hours here and there isn’t a big deal.

It's incredibly hard having a baby at the moment. My youngest was 6 months when we went into the first lockdown (oldest was 2), and was such a struggle (wish a support bubble had been an option then!) A few hours respite from the demands of parenting makes many of us better parents, so if it's the best thing for your family, do it and don't look back.

As you're little one is so young I'd want to be very sure about the quality of care in the nursery you've chosen, otherwise I would look at other options, like a nanny/mother's help (so you're nearby and little one is in familiar surroundings), or maybe your partner taking half a day annual leave for a little while . Another option could be to form a childcare bubble if you have a mum friend nearby who might be interested in swapping a few hours of childcare a week. They don't have to be purely for work purposes.

Good luck, and don't feel bad about finding this hard, it is so tough.

You do what you need to do for the happiness and wellbeing of all your family.

If this were normal times, you would have baby groups, be able to meet friends etc, which would give you a little reprieve from the 24/7 caring for baby.

Please ignore posters that describe nurseries as leaving your child with "random strangers". Do these people think that the nurseries just haul in any randomer off the street for the day? Your child will form bonds with the nursery staff just like they would with a grandparent or aunt and if you were suggesting leaving your child with a family member a couple of times a week nobody would bat an eyelid.

I did similar OP as I was still doing my GDL exams which I was doing by correspondence course. The fact that I had time to study without worrying about the baby meant I did better at my studies, which meant I qualified which meant I provided for my family better. It also meant I wasn't trying to do that half heartedly and not giving full attention to the baby. Thus when I had free the time to study I enjoyed the time with the baby better as I wasn't worrying about not getting the studying done.

Remember it wasn't that long ago that maternity leave was actually six months rather than twelve and you would have been back already and your baby at nursery full time anyway.

Good luck with the studying.

It's two mornings a week, and if doing it makes you a happier mum the rest of the time then it's a fantastic idea. Just the same as a mum needing to go back to work sooner and putting her baby into nursery a few days a week is fine. Everyone has an opinion on what way babies and kids should be raised but the only one that matters really is your own. Once your baby is safe, loved and well cared for, that's what important. The pressure on parents, especially mums, is ridiculous at the best of times and even worse in this pandemic. Do what is right for you, adjust if it doesn't work and be confident in your choices xx

This is very similar to another thread running right now and I have to say some of these replies are really annoying me

I also have a lockdown baby who has seen almost no one else but her parents and I can’t possibly think how this has done her good. Even though people on this thread say babies only need their parents they forget that the babies will be socialised through other family / friends / baby groups etc.

So definitely do it, it will be good for both of you

@ShirleyPhallus

This is very similar to another thread running right now and I have to say some of these replies are really annoying me

I also have a lockdown baby who has seen almost no one else but her parents and I can’t possibly think how this has done her good. Even though people on this thread say babies only need their parents they forget that the babies will be socialised through other family / friends / baby groups etc.

So definitely do it, it will be good for both of you

Agree with this. I've had small children miles away from family, it is hard. I can't imagine what doing it in a pandemic is like.

OP - you are not lazy (you sound anything but), you are not selfish.

It’s only two mornings a week. Dont let people guilt you into thinking it’s ‘too early’- in my experience they’re the same people who have family close by and have been able to go on date nights. It’s intense having zero support and no bubble. Do what you need to do, you will have mum guilt and negative comments no matter what you do so just do what’s best for you.

Sorry, something else to consider - it's a bit as though some people do not recognise the importance of preventative measures for mental health. You have to be actually in full on crisis mode before it might be agreed that you are "allowed" to put your child in day care.