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To think I'm the biggest fucking mug that ever existed.

96 replies

sharpsobjects · 02/02/2021 17:07

My ex got back in touch. He claimed to have realised he fucked stuff up with us, still loved me, blah blah.

2 months later he asked to borrow some money from me because he lost his job due to COVID.

I just found out it was for child maintenance. The mother? The woman he cheated on me with when we were together.

I feel sick. I'm a fucking idiot.

OP posts:
MindBodyChocolate · 02/02/2021 18:39

No need to apologize, OP, MN won't be insulted :)

Please do try to get some help though because you sound like a lovely person who's had a bad run with some horrid-sounding men. Look after yourself and good luck with your studies - I'm in awe of anyone in medicine.

BlueThistles · 02/02/2021 18:42

Sending best wishes and support OP ...

you are not a Mug... you were targeted because you are kind and loving 🌺

SandyY2K · 02/02/2021 18:45

He cheated on you
He cheated in previous relationships
He has kids multiple women
He didn't pay CS until he was taken to court

Are these attractive qualities to you?

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

What is it you love about him?

You can do way better than him. He has way too much baggage and will bring you down like an anchor.

He's a liability.
He's a user
He doesn't care about you
He doesn't respect you

You shouldn't give him the time of day...because he'll never change.

willowmelangell · 02/02/2021 18:46

You poor darling girl. Sending you virtual hugs.
Can you talk to your crisis team?
xx

Eckhart · 02/02/2021 18:49

Who you attract isn't the relevant thing. Who you allow in, is.
Who you attract isn't under your control. Who you allow in, is.

Learn about self validation, and listening to and respecting your own feelings. Baggage Reclaim is good for this

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-blog/

Make boundaries. All the men you attract that are 'not good' will become irrelevant because they won't get past your fence. Maybe a good man will show up. Maybe he won't. You'll be fine either way. You are enough for yourself.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/02/2021 18:49

@sharpsobjects

I just don't understand. I've never cheated on a boyfriend. When I love someone i do my best for them.

I'm a med student and the pandemic has been really challenging especially with my bipolar disorder.

I just feel broken and none of it makes sense

Listen, we are all 'programmed' in some way by our upbringing and life experiences to make the decisions we make. Sometimes that results in terrible decisions. Especially when it comes to choosing partners. God knows I made shit decisions in the past. Repeating the same mistake over and over.

The only way to break that cycle is to change our behaviour. And the only way to do that is through counseling. Not the counseling that puts patches on things or simply teaches you to cope. But the counseling that makes you drag the past out into the light and examine it in detail. Then helps you to put the past into the right perspective and close the door on it.

You have the additional complication of bipolar which can, at times, seem to take away your ability to see clearly when it comes to making choices. That's why it's doubly important for you to understand the choices you've made and the thoughts and experiences behind them.

If you aren't seeing a good counselor, one who is compassionately making you bring uncomfortable things out into the light, then perhaps you need to find one that will.

And remember that we made the decisions we made, period. Beating ourselves over the head with them doesn't do any good. And simply wondering why without trying to really work at the root cause isn't going to do any good.

Trust me, I've been where you are (but without the bipolar complications). After more than a few shit relationships I sought out a counselor and when she asked me what I wanted to accomplish I told her "I want to know why I pick such shit men and how the hell do I stop". It took me 18 months of weekly sessions, a lot of dragging things into the light and then putting them 'where they belonged' to figure it all out.

But that was over 40 years ago. I made the changes I needed to make, met and married a good man and have raised two fine sons. The moments of pain and frustration during counseling were so worth it!

sharpsobjects · 02/02/2021 18:52

Thanks everyone for your support
I will reread all the messages when I'm feeling calmer. I've done some meditation but need to do some more.

I phoned him and said he is to pay me back today so we can have a clean break. He insists he can't pay me back for a week - until Universal Credit day. Then he said he had to go because he needs to buy buns for his burgers.

Honestly I could laugh if I wasn't crying.

OP posts:
sharpsobjects · 02/02/2021 18:55

Re: counselling, I was having some but ironically can't afford it for 3-4 months due to having lent him all the money I would have used for it.

OP posts:
sharpsobjects · 02/02/2021 18:55

And that is on me..not him. I made a shit decision. He wasn't to know it was my counselling money.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 02/02/2021 18:57

This isn't about him or money or burgers or him shutting you down. That's all his drama.

Do this without drama. If he's said he'll pay you back on benefit day, live with it until then and say no more. Deal with the drama inside yourself. He does not have to be involved. It's yours. Own it, be responsible for it.

TheSockMonster · 02/02/2021 19:02

@Eckhart

Who you attract isn't the relevant thing. Who you allow in, is. Who you attract isn't under your control. Who you allow in, is.

Learn about self validation, and listening to and respecting your own feelings. Baggage Reclaim is good for this

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-blog/

Make boundaries. All the men you attract that are 'not good' will become irrelevant because they won't get past your fence. Maybe a good man will show up. Maybe he won't. You'll be fine either way. You are enough for yourself.

So much brilliant advice on here.

I’m so sorry you wasted time and money on him. If it’s any consolation, only people who are fucked up and unhappy act in the way he did. He’s not skipping happily into the sunset, and unless he faces his own demons he never will.

We ALL make mistakes so be kind to yourself about this one.

Don’t rush into your next relationship (easier said than done, I know when you just want to be loved) and keep an extra close eye out for early signs of an unhealthy relationship. Beware of anyone who is particularly intense, professing undying love too soon, etc.

Caelan · 02/02/2021 19:11

You are not a mug. You are a caring kind person who has been exploited by someone not fit to lace your boots.

Fuck him!- he will end up alone like the pathetic loser he is and he deserves it! I’m sorry you have been hurt this way - none of this is your fault though

LadyEloise · 02/02/2021 19:28

You are not a mug. As others have said - You are a lovely kind person. The mug is the woman who had a child with this cheating waste of space.
You are doing medicine- Wow ! you must be bright.
What a great career and so beneficial to others.
Please get that money back and get the counselling/ help you need. You deserve it.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 02/02/2021 19:41

@sharpsobjects

Thanks everyone for your support I will reread all the messages when I'm feeling calmer. I've done some meditation but need to do some more.

I phoned him and said he is to pay me back today so we can have a clean break. He insists he can't pay me back for a week - until Universal Credit day. Then he said he had to go because he needs to buy buns for his burgers.

Honestly I could laugh if I wasn't crying.

OK - note the day in your diary and calmly contact him on that day, at the beginning of the day, and say Thank you for agreeing to pay me back now you have your UC. Please pay me today, I have important bills of my own to pay'
HermioneWeasley · 02/02/2021 19:44

Just seen your update about having bipolar disorder. It’s an absolute bastard. I hope you’ve got good support and a solid medical regime. Take the drugs even if you feel fine - bipolar lies to you and tells you you don’t need them.

DearTeddyRobinson · 02/02/2021 20:11

Can you text him back, ok fine, I'll just ask your parents for the money? He will presumably be mortified at mummy and daddy being dragged into his sordid little dealings, and may manage to come up with the money. If not, well you have a better chance of getting the dosh off his loaded parents, with the added bonus of embarrassing him.
Don't beat yourself up, we've all made stupid financial decisions. I'm an investment professional and when my MH was poor I made some dreadful investments. Lived to tell the tale!
Hang in there x

NewspaperTaxis · 02/02/2021 21:54

There are all sorts of bad feelings in this world. But two things that really gives bad feelings 'legs' is 1) A sense of injustice, and 2) The sense of being scammed. The latter because it's often the feeling - quite unjustly - that one has been complicit or somehow a participant in the thing that has happened. It can really grind your gears.

I'll share one scam, hopefully not as a form of one-upmanship (I'm a bloke btw not really relevant but on some threads I out myself). It was when I was out and about in London and got the old 'we are a couple who've lost our money or had it nicked, please give us some cash to get back home and your address and we'll repay you.' This was a looooong time ago. I was prepared to believe them and handed over - grrr, grrrr - £50 or so - but get this, it was a bit short and the bloke - part of an Asian couple, the woman, quiet and respectable, there as if to lend credence - pointed this out to ensure I handed over the full amount. Which I did.

Now, I did justify this at the time, thinking, well I'm gonna donate £50 to charity to mark Princess Diana's passing (told you it was long ago) and instead it can go to this cause.
Of course I never heard back from them.

Still, my question is - and I suppose this should be.a thread of its own, so ignore if you want, is what if the couple really had been stranded with no cash to get home? And what would you do in that situation (it might have even been before mobile phones, so no contacting someone.) Could one go the police and ask for help? Why would they?

It's the memory of the solid-looking, bespectacled, respectable looking bloke taking care to pushily point out that I hadn't gifted him the full amount, and my going along with it... Angry

Closetbeanmuncher · 03/02/2021 00:28

I don't think you're ready to date until you've sorted out this need to people please and set some general life boundaries.

Making yourself a martyr for the concequences of other peoples shitty behavior isn't going to help your cause in anyway whatsoever.

Forget about relationships and the money for the time being - shift your focus on stabalising yourself mentally. Draw a line under this, learn from the experience and shift your behavior at source rather than flagulating yourself then going back for more and expecting a different outcome.

AgentJohnson · 03/02/2021 05:18

There is middle ground between being a mg and being soft hearted.

HOkieCOkie · 03/02/2021 05:50

Oh no don’t hate yourself! Your a kind person and a child was taken care of because of your kindness.

Rubyupbeat · 03/02/2021 05:58

No you are not!
You dound kind and caring, He on the other hand sounds a nasty, snidey piece of work.
You are well rid.

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