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Original poster

To think I'm the biggest fucking mug that ever existed.

96 replies

sharpsobjects · 02/02/2021 17:07

My ex got back in touch. He claimed to have realised he fucked stuff up with us, still loved me, blah blah.

2 months later he asked to borrow some money from me because he lost his job due to COVID.

I just found out it was for child maintenance. The mother? The woman he cheated on me with when we were together.

I feel sick. I'm a fucking idiot.

OP posts:
LouHotel · 02/02/2021 17:36

Do you have text message ect of him asking to borrow it? If not send him a message asking for when it will be paid back, make it sweet so he doesn't suspecr but get it in writing that this was loan.

Even if its £40 a month dont write this off. Message him consistently but not repeatedly if he refuses to pay. I'd consider small claims court for that amount as a student, I expect his parents wont want the embarrassment and will pay it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 02/02/2021 17:39

@LouHotel

Do you have text message ect of him asking to borrow it? If not send him a message asking for when it will be paid back, make it sweet so he doesn't suspecr but get it in writing that this was loan.

Even if its £40 a month dont write this off. Message him consistently but not repeatedly if he refuses to pay. I'd consider small claims court for that amount as a student, I expect his parents wont want the embarrassment and will pay it.

I agree with this; make it uncomfortable for him. There's a reason why he didn't go to his parents for the money - make him squeal and feel the embarrassment of being a loser.

You are not a mug, you did a kind thing, whatever the reasons behind it - the shame isn't yours. As pp has said, you won't get fooled again.

pictish · 02/02/2021 17:39

Think of it this way instead...
It cost you £400 to realise that he is an utter piece of crap and decide that you’ll never give him air space again. Not ever.

To think of how much time you’d have wasted pinging back and forth when he wanted reel you in and spit you out.
£400 cheap at the price.

👌

ParadiseIsland · 02/02/2021 17:42

So he knew you are a student, he knew money will be tight for you but still asked money from you rather than his parents who could have afforded it?

This guy is awful!!!

Happycat1212 · 02/02/2021 17:43

I’m sorry but that was silly I don’t know why people are saying it’s not and no most “normal” people wouldn’t give their ex money why are posters making out like it’s a normal thing to do op needs to know it wasn’t right so she doesn’t think to do it again!

ChocOrange1 · 02/02/2021 17:43

@sharpsobjects

In total £400.
Sorry but I do think you're a bit of a mug for lending him money more than once (as you say "in total" here). The first time he asked for money after being back in your life for only a few weeks, should have been the time to say no. But you live and learn and in the future you'll be stronger because of it.
SamLovesLembasBread · 02/02/2021 17:44

I'd keep after him to get the money back. Surely it was a loan, not a gift. Or ask his wealthy family for it, possibly, depending on your history with them.

Then stop all contact with him forever. If he can't contact you, he can't manipulate you into giving him money you can't afford to lose.

CSIblonde · 02/02/2021 17:44

Look on it as a valuable leson. Human beings are predictable. They have default patterns of behaviour. It takes a massive amount of self awareness & motivation to acknowledge crap behaviour & genuinely change. His pattern works for him : gives you verbal flannel, then reverts to type. Really common in emotional abuse. Don't feel bad, many, many people would give a second chance. Unfortunately manipulators know that & exploit it .

UmmH · 02/02/2021 17:54

So he asked to borrow it and later you found out it was for child maintenance, or he told you that at the time?

MzHz · 02/02/2021 17:55

£400 is a lot when you don’t have it, but I’m guessing that you’re such a sweetheart you’d have lost sleep over saying No.

Well love, you were conned, but the bad is on him. You can choose to have nothing more to do with him, and know that you’re a kind person who helps others.

Ok so he’s not worth it, but you’re going to learn from this.

Don’t beat yourself up. You’re not at fault here.

FallingStar21 · 02/02/2021 17:57

@Confusedandshaken

You aren't a mug, just trusting and soft hearted. And much as you dislike the woman, would you really want her children to go hungry because they have horrible parents?

Chalk it up to experience and don't get fooled again.

Doubt very much the child would have gone hungry without OP's hard earned cash... The mother's income or UC would have taken care of it either way. That woman is probably laughing all the way to the bank if she knows where the £400 came from. OP, it's SO EASY to make a bad judgement/give a second chance when you are emotionally involved and obviously still had feelings and wanted to trust him. THIS IS ALL ON HIM AND HE IS DISGUSTING. Do what PP have suggested in terms of retrieving the money, but ditch him and never look back. I know his betrayal must be devastating, but you are so much better off without.
MissMarpleDarling · 02/02/2021 17:58

Most of us have done it OP. I know I've been a mug with bfs in the past! Get rid and move on x

picklemewalnuts · 02/02/2021 17:59

What you leant him the money for is neither here nor there, really. If he spent it on his bills, or his child, or his food.

He shouldn't be borrowing money off you.

BonnieDundee · 02/02/2021 18:00

You are not a mug. You sound lovely and kind. If you dont have DC together never talk to this twat again

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 02/02/2021 18:01

What a total shit he is!

OP, don't let your feeling of 'being a mug' undermine your anger and your righteous determination that he Owes You That Money!

Being a mug in your own eyes does not mean it is your fault. It is his fault. He lied to you, he conned you into making a loan. Show that you are not a mug and demand repayment.

He is clearly a scared little weasel - under pressure from OW he got the money from you (yes - under pressure, I am sure he was not driven to pay her the CM by the kindness of his generous heart) so pile on the pressure - and he will borrow it off someone else (not your problem) to pay you.

How dare he!

He asked to borrow it, therefore it is a loan.

OliverBabish · 02/02/2021 18:02

Reframe the way you are thinking about this - YOU are not a mug, HE is a dick

PixellatedPixie · 02/02/2021 18:03

How are you a mug? You did what a reasonable, kind and decent human would do!

FredtheCatsMum · 02/02/2021 18:04

Contact his parents. Explain the situation. Ask them to give you the money.

At best, they'll send it. At worst, you'll make his life more difficult.

Toptotoeunicolour · 02/02/2021 18:04

Forgive yourself. Let it go and move on. We're all wiser after the event.
You believed the best in someone and were let down. It's still best to be a person who sees the best in people, but just don't let your heart make the financial decisions in future.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 02/02/2021 18:08

@Confusedandshaken

You aren't a mug, just trusting and soft hearted. And much as you dislike the woman, would you really want her children to go hungry because they have horrible parents?

Chalk it up to experience and don't get fooled again.

What?? The OP is a student. The child of a woman she doesn't know is not her responsibility. It would likely cost the OP 40 hours work or more in a bar to earn that amount of money. Why is a stranger's child more her responsibility, that she should feel glad to support, when the child has 2 parents and the welfare state to support them.

Good grief - what women are supposed to shoulder!

JovialNickname · 02/02/2021 18:09

I wouldn't usually advocate running to someone else's parents, but I would under these circumstances. Explain the situation and say you need the money back from him, or you'll be taking him to small claims. Hopefully he'll feel uncomfortable/ embarrassed / inconvenienced to cough up (or the millionaire parents will on his behalf!) If not then at least his parents will know exactly what type of "man" they raised.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 02/02/2021 18:09

You're not the idiot, OP. He is, for throwing away a relationship with someone as kind and loving as you. Block him, and better luck next time.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/02/2021 18:11

Not a mug, not an idiot, just a kind hearted person who wants to think well of people who was played by a manipulative lying git.
He's in the wrong, you are not.

Dyrne · 02/02/2021 18:11

OP please be gentle with yourself. You were exploited by your twat of an ex. At least you found out sooner rather than waste any more time on him.

Can you access any more support for your mental health; perhaps via your college/Uni if you’re a student?

Closetbeanmuncher · 02/02/2021 18:12

You didn't actually give him the money did you?

Have you binned him yet if not do it now OP, no fucking around or excuses.