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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think I'm the biggest fucking mug that ever existed.

96 replies

sharpsobjects · 02/02/2021 17:07

My ex got back in touch. He claimed to have realised he fucked stuff up with us, still loved me, blah blah.

2 months later he asked to borrow some money from me because he lost his job due to COVID.

I just found out it was for child maintenance. The mother? The woman he cheated on me with when we were together.

I feel sick. I'm a fucking idiot.

OP posts:
KarmaNoMore · 02/02/2021 18:14

Ok, try to think it the other way, those are £400 well spent to realise there’s no way back from this and move on with your life.

Phoenix21 · 02/02/2021 18:14

You were taken advantage of. It happens. It’s what you do with this experience that matters - learn from it, block him and grow.

Flowers
Closetbeanmuncher · 02/02/2021 18:14

I would also write off the money if you're thinking of using that as a 'reason' to keep in touch.

Yesreallyreally · 02/02/2021 18:17

What @SummerHouse said.
Do you have children with him?

Original poster
sharpsobjects · 02/02/2021 18:18

I'm sorry for not replying individually. I appreciate everyone taking the time to comment I just feel suicidal at the moment. I still love him. I Ioved him when he put on him uniform and pretended to go out to work but went to fuck her instead, even though I left him over it.

I understood he was depressed about losing his job due to COVID and spent hours on the phone to him to support him even though I was under the crisis team and self harming at the time. And then hearing her name again now in this context. I feel ill. I'm so angry but I can't take it out on him so there's just me.

He has 3 kids now by different women and only pays as they took him through the courts. They were never even together she was just a girl he shagged on the side while with other girlfriends.

OP posts:
Original poster
sharpsobjects · 02/02/2021 18:18

I don't have any children. I had a miscarriage when I was with him and that is the only time I've been pregnant.

OP posts:
Triphazards · 02/02/2021 18:19

No, you've only been one in a small way.

Hugoslavia · 02/02/2021 18:21

I would be ask him for the money back, or ask his family if they can give it to you and him pay them back. As tempting as it would be to let his fling , realistically you don't want to create a bad vibe between the parents for the sake of the child.

MzHz · 02/02/2021 18:22

Come on, he’s not going to be the thing that brings you down! You’re better than that!

If you’re still in contact with the MH team, can you contact them and ask for a bit of help now? You need to be cared for right now, and you need to know you’re a good person and better than all of this.

I know where you are, I survived and life is wonderful when you work out that you’re worth setting boundaries for, and you deserve to be happy. This takes work, you can do this. You’re not alone love.

MzHz · 02/02/2021 18:23

Kindest thing you can do for yourself this second? Delete and block his access to you in every way possible

MNHQ
LilyMumsnet · 02/02/2021 18:24

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Original poster
sharpsobjects · 02/02/2021 18:25

I just don't understand. I've never cheated on a boyfriend. When I love someone i do my best for them.

I'm a med student and the pandemic has been really challenging especially with my bipolar disorder.

I just feel broken and none of it makes sense

OP posts:
Original poster
sharpsobjects · 02/02/2021 18:26

Sorry. Thank you everyone

OP posts:
Original poster
sharpsobjects · 02/02/2021 18:27

I want my money back but I also want to never speak to him again

OP posts:
Original poster
sharpsobjects · 02/02/2021 18:28

Is the MN post because Mumsnet thinks I'm asking the posters here to pay me my money back? Because I would never do that.

OP posts:
WhoseThatGirl · 02/02/2021 18:30

You are a kind and generous person who sees the best in people. Your empathy will help you in your future career. His dickishness doesn’t take that away from you.

WhoseThatGirl · 02/02/2021 18:31

@sharpsobjects

Is the MN post because Mumsnet thinks I'm asking the posters here to pay me my money back? Because I would never do that.
I think it’s because you mentioned suicide
MzHz · 02/02/2021 18:31

This isn’t about you @sharpsobjects, it’s about how HE is a dreadful person.

Bad people do bad things to good people.

You’re a good person, nothing you could have done (barring deleting and blocking him when the relationship ended in the first place) would have stopped him doing this.

Because he’s a wanker. Always was, always will be.

You can’t change him. He won’t ever change

The ONLY Thing you can do is learn from this, huh yourself and promise yourself that you won’t fall for this again.

MzHz · 02/02/2021 18:33

@sharpsobjects

I want my money back but I also want to never speak to him again
You won’t get the money back, he’ll use it as bait to keep you on the hook

Write it off, write him out of your life for good.

Make space in your life for good people. He’s taking up valuable space where a good man could be.

Original poster
sharpsobjects · 02/02/2021 18:35

I don't attract good men. My exs:

1 - cheated
2 - emotionally abusive
3 - emotionally abusive, cheated repeatedly, physically violent, stalked and harassed me after we broke up, still owes me and my parents £1000+, addicted to drugs
4 - this man

Good men don't fancy me, I think my bipolar puts them off.

OP posts:
MindBodyChocolate · 02/02/2021 18:35

The MN post is because you mentioned feeling suicidal. Please reach out to get some help. This man sounds like a loser but you don't deserve to be dragged down by him.

Original poster
sharpsobjects · 02/02/2021 18:36

Sorry for misjudging the intentions of the MN post, I see now..thanks.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 02/02/2021 18:37

I just don't understand. I've never cheated on a boyfriend. When I love someone i do my best for them

You need to learn that not everybody is the same as you. You have a set of rules you live by, and those are your morals. They are good, and respectable. You do your best for people. Not everybody has the same set of rules, because we all make our own set, depending on our experiences and upbringing.

Other than laws, there are no universal rules. People don't have to be nice to each other. People don't have to care about each other's feelings. And this is why every individual needs to set their own boundaries: because we all make our own rules. This is why two nice people can be incompatible, when everyone would imagine they'd be perfect together. And why two horrible people can be compatible, when nobody would expect either of them to find a match.

You are still in love with him because you have created an image of him based on his behaviours (when he's been nice) and an assumption that he shares your morals. But he clearly does not share your morals. Once you let go of the illusion (and you must, and it will hurt), it will be easier to let go.

You love the fantasy; the act. He is showing you who he really is, deep down. It is hard.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 02/02/2021 18:38

OP - the MN message is because you said you felt suicidal. Flowers

Can you talk to your crisis team now?

I know the rejection and the outrage is intense, the betrayal, the exploitation, the deceit - how could he do that to you?

Because he had already done it to two other women, and now a third, with all these babies.

You need support OP, in order not to need the attention of men like him. I am so sorry for the pain of any woman's miscarriage but he is not fit to be a parent and you would have had years of his lying and deceit.

OP, you are a med student. The most competitive course for the best and brightest, training to be what we need most! You are valuable. You have a great future. You don't need the love of a loser to validate who you are.

Do you have professional support?

Undisclosedlocation · 02/02/2021 18:39

If you can afford to lose the money, then it will be the best £££ you’ve ever spent to be rid of the utter b#stard.

Unless you are in dire straights financially, the peace of knowing you will never have to deal with him again may well be worth more than the cash.

You sound like a lovely person Flowers