Husband resents me for debt

[wishes1111]

Hello

I'll try and explain as briefly as possible.

I was raised by my grandparents and lost them both within 3 years or each other to cancer (in their 60s). I've also had 6 miscarriages during and since.

I have been on antidepressants since age 14 and have a history of anxiety too.

My coping mechanism was to spend, I took loans out, ordered clothes, things I didn't need and racked up nearly £8000 in debt, exchanging my utter sadness and despair for temporary happiness.

After 2 years of paying the minimum payments, I realised I couldn't hide it anymore, interest was rising and I was struggling to cope and was losing the battle of keeping my head above water.

I earn £24,000 a year, my husband earns £40,000.

I admitted it all during a breakdown, he was angry and sad that I'd done this and especially since I'd hid it from him. I fully understood this and took responsibility for my actions. I entered a payment plan with stepchange and have kept up with payments over the past couple of years and it's slowly but surely reducing. I'm paying this myself, as well as £550 for my half of rent and £30 for my phone. The rest, I use for birthday presents, diesel, car insurance and tax and I'm left with little per month. I've also cleared my overdraft in this time.

I have taken no further loans out since entering my plan with stepchange.

My problem is, my Husband resents me for this. He is a saver, he won't spend unless he has to and he saves what he can (which is a good thing). I've tried my hardest to turn my life around and take responsibility.

He said he will resent me until it's all paid off which will be another couple of years. Some days he is lovely, others it's like he's punishing me for my mistakes. Digs here and there, cold towards me, brings up what I did.

I can't even explain how much I regret doing this but I can't live like this. If I have £10 left for the last week of the month and I need to get something such as tampons or some lunch stuff for work , he tells me to sort it out myself. I understand I'm not his responsibility but this is wearing me down.

He has more than enough in savings to clear my debt. I don't expect him to do that but know in a heartbeat I would do it for him if I knew it was weighing on his shoulders, adding anxiety to his life and and he'd made an effort to change.

I feel I can't go on this way, but when he's in a nice mood I love him so much, when he's in his resentful mood he makes me feel low and like he'll never move past it.

I'm waffling, I don't expect people to think he's in the wrong, I get it.

I guess I'm just hoping for a hand hold whilst suffering my latest miscarriage, dealing with a resentful husband and trying my hardest to not fall back into a deep depression x

@Windchangeface -

“ if my DH had gone and spent thousands of pounds and hidden the debt from me like you have I’d have left him. It’s a total betrayal of trust (regardless of reason or personal struggles) and it’s selfish because he’s financially linked to you so your step change plan will significantly impact his credit score. It’s not clear cut like ‘this is my debt and I’m paying it”

Exactly he should have left not stayed and made her feel like shit.

Fair enough him being annoyed etc when he found out but he’s out of order to keep on about and also to keep saying he will resent you until it’s paid off - that’s abusive
You are paying it yourself, it’s not actually affecting him as you are paying your household bills and you have separate finances
No way would I put up with him giving you shit for another two years, particularly as he knows u have a problem with depression
Think I’d be telling him to shut up, snap out of it or fuck off tbh

I think that a certain amount of blame lies with OP's husband. He does not seem to have been giving her enough support at the times of the miscarriages or at the times of the deaths of OP's grandparents. This could be why she started spending as a coping mechanism.

Is he suddenly going to stop resenting you as soon as it’s cleared?? Or will he find something else to get on to you about?
Do you want to wait 2 years dealing with his shit and then find out he’s still gonna be an arse to you?

@wishes1111 If you have £30 left to live on, you really do need to speak to Stepchange and lower your repayments. They would rather you do that than end up at risk or incurring new debts out of desperation.

I'd sort that out first and then focus on your relationship with DH afterwards.

@ANutAsBigAsABoulder

Putting the debt aside, are you actually paying a 50% share of the rent when you earn £16,000 less than your husband? That seems unfair.

Your joint income is £64,000 and he earns just over 60% of it. It would be fairer to split the rent 60/40 which would leave you with more at the end of the month for essentials.

You’re doing a great job clearing the debt. Do you have a plan to start saving a certain amount once you’re debt free? You need to have a plan in place to stop getting back into the same situation again.

As for him resenting you until the day you’ve cleared it, I hope he has a lovely view from his well-paid high horse. He should be supporting you emotionally, not making you feel worse than you already do.

This!!! OP if your still reading well done for chipping away at it.

He shouldn’t be continuously punishing you over it. And to all those posters that think this is ok I dread to think what your marriages are like.

OP I really couldn’t be with some one who would see me go with out Sanpro - he is supposed to love you.

He is not a nice man. He had every right to be upset/pissed off/cross when he first found out BUT you have taken responsibility and are sorting it out. He does not get to continue to punish you.

It is a shame but the sense that you are equal has gone and you won't get that back easily. You show him the statements every month? Stop doing that. He is not your father or your boss.

And HE has cheated? Dump him.

@TheBouquets

I think that a certain amount of blame lies with OP's husband. He does not seem to have been giving her enough support at the times of the miscarriages or at the times of the deaths of OP's grandparents. This could be why she started spending as a coping mechanism.

1. She says he did support her
2. Of course it's not his fault she turned to spending as a coping mechanism! If this was a man saying he'd turned to drink because his wife was not supportive enough, would you agree with him?

Yes @Windchangeface he could have left. But he didn't. She certainly isn't lucky that he stayed and emotionally abused her.

@wishes1111 it's no surprise that the more you post, the worse his behaviour comes across.

Does he do his share of housework cooking and laundry? Does he support you when you're in crippling pain with endo? Does he take over when the accompanying fatigue lays you low?

A decent partner would do all of those things as a bare minimum.

I won't even get into the cheating except to say if being young was an excuse for it, how come you didn't do it?

Please don't stay with him because he's all you've known. He is NOT a good husband.

Your not so "D"H sounds very abusive and a bit a of nasty twat to be perfectly honest. Okay so you got yourself into debt, but Lets not forget you're ill which is probably well I'd say definitely a contributing factor. You found the courage to start paying off this debt. What more does he want. Some may say " Well you shouldn't have got into the debt , but that's just worthless. People can say that until the cows come come home. It doesn't change anything. Your All very your Husband resenting you but it isn't going to make you pay off your debt any quicker.

I disagree with the people saying dh shouldn't help with the debt. Marriage vows usually specify 'through sickness and health'. The debt is causing OP a great deal of anxiety and depression. I would expect my partner to help me out if I were in the same boat. And I say this as a lifelong saver and somebody who has always been risk-averse when it comes to money. I saved a 6 figure deposit for my first home (no help from mum/dad) and even now have significant savings. I'd feel pretty devastated if my dh one day declared he had "x" debt but after the initial disappointment and hurt, I wouldn't for a second have doubts about helping him. With my finance savvy head on, I'd also know that the interest payments were money down the drain which could otherwise go towards feeding the family.

If he chose to stay he chose to forgive. Yes he had the right to be upset and angry and even feel betrayed but what he's doing here is too calculated for my liking.
He basically telling you how conditional him being nice to you is.

And is it really a 60/40 split @wishes1111 ? Honestly?

You pay 40/60 in terms of rent yes?
But how much does he have outgoing a month on the things you listed vs how much do you have outgoing a month in terms of what you listed not including the repayments of your debt? That's where the truth will come out.

and it’s selfish because he’s financially linked to you so your step change plan will significantly impact his credit score. It’s not clear cut like ‘this is my debt and I’m paying it’.

This is actually nonsense. His credit score will not be affected one iota. There may be an impact if you try to buy something jointly, but credit scores belong to individuals.

I agree with LadyRoughDiamond.

If he won't give over, is there any benefit in staying in this marriage?

And I say that as a frugal person myself.

I don't think he is being at all abusive.
I think your finances as described are fairly split. He had the much bigger bills of sky, gas and electric.

If my partner hid that much debt from me I would end the relationship. Its the constant daily lying more than anything.

I understand his anger. However if he is choosing to stay in the relationship he can't keep holding it over you or treating you badly.

It sounds like he would benefit from counselling for his losses from the miscarriages and finding out his wife was lying to him daily. A lot of people hide under a get up and go attitude but have a lot of unresolved anger that counselling might help.

I'm sorry for your losses. You would be foolish to have a baby until your in a stronger financial position and until your relationship is happier. If you can't afford tampons you definitely cannot afford a baby.

I'm really torn on this. What you did was a massive betrayal, so he has every right to be furious.

Also it impacts him, any treats, holidays etc presumably he'll have to pay for because you blew all your money on non-essential things. That means the impacts are ongoing until you clear the debt. So it makes sense that some resentment will linger until you have cleared it.

Also if you are married your credit files are linked. That means your debt affects him in a very real way. It means you will both pay more for any credit, get worse rates and will struggle to find a mortgage. This credit file notice will hang about for YEARS effecting both your lives.

But your post suggests he is being nasty to you. That's unacceptable in a relationship whatever the cause. No one should be nasty and cruel.

On the other hand, it sounds like you view things such as not having money leftover for treats as him being nasty. It isn't. You caused this and you need to fix it.

You also sound like you want him to pay off all your debts (even tho you say you don't you mention that you would and clearly think he should) - this is nonsense. Again, you should be responsible for dealing with this, and hopefully going without and through the payment plan will mean you learn you lesson about spending.

You say you would forgive him, but I think you are being flippant about the level of betrayal here. You say what more can you do, but you need to prove that you can be trusted with money and to put your family first. He shouldn't hold it over you or be nasty but he's well within his rights to be angry and betrayed and to be honest with you about that.

When someone has an affair, sometimes they are forgiven but the spouse is still haunted, angry and upset. The advice here is that they have a right to their feelings and it is up to the cheater to give them the time, consideration etc needed. This is much the same.

Get couple's counselling maybe, that's the only thing I can think of to move forward.

With all updates taken into account, OP, I'm not convinced this relationship is good for either of you.

@Pinkmarsh

Oh yeah I totally agree with that. He should have left, staying and just punishing someone is crappy but I imagine it’s very hard if you love someone so much you don’t want to leave them, but equally you can’t really get over what they’ve done.

I think the DH needs support to work through his own issues and leave the OP. Don’t see him ever letting it go, even when it’s all paid off x

@SurvivalIsInsufficient

You did NOT borrow the debt money from HIM.HE is the victim of NOTHING here. This is emotional abuse

Hold on. His wife LIED to him, for years. She hid a very large debt, she hid her spending. She expects him to use his savings to clear her debts.

If this was the reverse and he was the woman, you would not in a million years call her abusive and save all your sympathy for him. You would call him a cheating bastard who should work harder to clear his own debts, and advise getting rid of him.

For me it would be less about the money and more about the lies. I couldn't forgive that easily.

She is clearing the debt herself, she did not ask for his savings.

If you couldn't forgive the lies that's reasonable, bit would you pretend to forgive while punishing him for it for years and plan to keep the loud resentment up for a set time?

That's why forgiveness is hard and you shouldn't say you'll forgive but not really. Adults should be able to move on from their mistakes especially when they have used every resource available to them and changed everything about themselves to reverse their mistakes and make sure they don't happen again. The OP has completely shielded her awful husband from the consequences of what she did, but he reserves the right to beat her with it anyway.

If my partner hid that much debt from me I would end the relationship. Its the constant daily lying more than anything.

FFS with this point cropping up all the time! He DIDN'T leave. He could have but he didn't. He chose to stay and be abusive. He's not a fucking victim here.

@TheBouquets

I think that a certain amount of blame lies with OP's husband. He does not seem to have been giving her enough support at the times of the miscarriages or at the times of the deaths of OP's grandparents. This could be why she started spending as a coping mechanism.

I think it's unfair to blame him. OP has said he was supportive to her through her hard times but that he's annoyed with her about her debt.

Whilst I think I'd be more forgiving than he sounds (!) I would also be annoyed if my DP accrued a load of secret debt during our relationship, as even if he handled the whole repayments himself, like OP does, it would still affect me indirectly if he was skinting himself doing it.

Food bill is the biggest bill in my house (outside of mortgage) why are you paying most of it? Also thats a big council tax bill, way more that gas/elec - again why arent you splitting these big bills fairly?

Although I would be furious with a partner who got themselves into that much debt I think there is more going on here. He sounds quite financially abusive tbh, forcing an in debt partner on half the wage to foot more than half the bills? Nah not ok.

He would be in for quite a shock in divorce court to find out in a marriage everything goes into the same pot.

@wishes1111
Well done for acknowledging the ''Emptiness'' that leads to spending.
I used to be a bit like this...Unhappy, so would buy trivia {But never took out loans}

Recognising it is a really good thing.

Debt has to be cleared oneself, I believe, as If someone ''Steps in'' it can make the spending begin again.

Owning it and paying it off is a valuable lesson.

BUT....Your husband sounds very different to you. Finances and sex are the keystones to compatibility.

Does he really sound the right type to be with?

Buying stuff does not make one ''Happy'' if one is fundamentally depressed about something....It is all about the dopamine rush of 'Buying'.....and that does not last....Glad you know this.

Good luck, pay the debts off, and perhaps reconsider your future with your husband?.

But in your OP you say you budget for things like birthday gifts. I just don't understand how you can have money for birthday gifts but regularly not be able to afford tampons. It still seems like you haven't entirely kicked the habit of mismanaging money. It is possible this is what is making it hard for him to fully let go.

Generally stepchange repayment schemes are very considerate of how much you have to actually go towards debt. How much are your repayments? Has your income changed since your initial repayments were worked out, do you need to have the repayment structure updated?

@OhCaptain

If my partner hid that much debt from me I would end the relationship. Its the constant daily lying more than anything.

FFS with this point cropping up all the time! He DIDN'T leave. He could have but he didn't. He chose to stay and be abusive. He's not a fucking victim here.

👏👏👏

He's an asshat, and his dismissive reaction to OP's depression is adding to that.