Husband resents me for debt

[wishes1111]

Hello

I'll try and explain as briefly as possible.

I was raised by my grandparents and lost them both within 3 years or each other to cancer (in their 60s). I've also had 6 miscarriages during and since.

I have been on antidepressants since age 14 and have a history of anxiety too.

My coping mechanism was to spend, I took loans out, ordered clothes, things I didn't need and racked up nearly £8000 in debt, exchanging my utter sadness and despair for temporary happiness.

After 2 years of paying the minimum payments, I realised I couldn't hide it anymore, interest was rising and I was struggling to cope and was losing the battle of keeping my head above water.

I earn £24,000 a year, my husband earns £40,000.

I admitted it all during a breakdown, he was angry and sad that I'd done this and especially since I'd hid it from him. I fully understood this and took responsibility for my actions. I entered a payment plan with stepchange and have kept up with payments over the past couple of years and it's slowly but surely reducing. I'm paying this myself, as well as £550 for my half of rent and £30 for my phone. The rest, I use for birthday presents, diesel, car insurance and tax and I'm left with little per month. I've also cleared my overdraft in this time.

I have taken no further loans out since entering my plan with stepchange.

My problem is, my Husband resents me for this. He is a saver, he won't spend unless he has to and he saves what he can (which is a good thing). I've tried my hardest to turn my life around and take responsibility.

He said he will resent me until it's all paid off which will be another couple of years. Some days he is lovely, others it's like he's punishing me for my mistakes. Digs here and there, cold towards me, brings up what I did.

I can't even explain how much I regret doing this but I can't live like this. If I have £10 left for the last week of the month and I need to get something such as tampons or some lunch stuff for work , he tells me to sort it out myself. I understand I'm not his responsibility but this is wearing me down.

He has more than enough in savings to clear my debt. I don't expect him to do that but know in a heartbeat I would do it for him if I knew it was weighing on his shoulders, adding anxiety to his life and and he'd made an effort to change.

I feel I can't go on this way, but when he's in a nice mood I love him so much, when he's in his resentful mood he makes me feel low and like he'll never move past it.

I'm waffling, I don't expect people to think he's in the wrong, I get it.

I guess I'm just hoping for a hand hold whilst suffering my latest miscarriage, dealing with a resentful husband and trying my hardest to not fall back into a deep depression x

@OhCaptain

If my partner hid that much debt from me I would end the relationship. Its the constant daily lying more than anything.

FFS with this point cropping up all the time! He DIDN'T leave. He could have but he didn't. He chose to stay and be abusive. He's not a fucking victim here.

Agreed, he's a nasty abusive fucker - I bet OPs depression would lift if she binned him off

So it's "he pays 60 AND other bills too". NOT he pays 60, and I pay 40 and other bills...?

He may be resentful, he needs to get over it or leave. You have taken steps to remedy the problem, and help to manage the depression, there's not much else you can do, keep going.
But,
He may be worried for your future/ having a family /hidden debts happening again/ loss of income on maternity all having a bad impact on your lives, which also could be seen as fair enough.

I’m in a fairly similar position to you - currently on a DMP with StepChange, I have general anxiety disorder, that is very severe at times, and long term depression - spending is also my crutch and what I turn to when I’m really down.

In my early 20’s I was on ADs, I got myself in a right mess with debt, and had to take a debt relief order - fast forward 10 years, some shitty experiences, the anxiety and depression being unmanageable, and I fell back in the same hole of spending more than I had.

I also said I’d never ever ever do it again (oh well a credit card is handy, I’m pre approved and it’d be useful to have for emergencies - oh I’ll pop the food shop on the credit card so I’ll pay it in full each month to show I can manage debt now to improve my credit rating - oh that’s nice, I don’t have enough now but I’ll pop that on the credit card and pay it back over the next two months... on it went)

If you’re not having any already, you need therapy to deal with the anxiety and depression. Anti depressants help but they don’t deal with the route cause of your issues. They don’t change the ingrained behaviour.

It’s only with having in depth therapy that I’ve been able to change my base behaviour and now have a handle on my finances - I fear if you don’t resolve the base issues causing your anxiety and depression, it will happen again in the future.

Your husband sounds like he’s being a dick and you need to tell him how his behaviour affects you and is wearing you down. Yes he’s annoyed and disappointed, but he is either supporting you, or he isn’t.

You haven’t asked, but as you mentioned in your post he has enough savings to pay off your debt - he really shouldn’t, it’s yours to repay.

I just don't understand how you can have money for birthday gifts but regularly not be able to afford tampons. It still seems like you haven't entirely kicked the habit of mismanaging money. It is possible this is what is making it hard for him to fully let go. I read that as she is so scared of being seen as not managing her money she puts everyone else in front of herself, so presents for others come before her own needs!

I'd imagine that, with StepChange's help, she now micro manages every penny! And choses to leave herself short rather than not be able to put up a good show for hereself and her DH when it comes to things like presents - she doesn't mention (yet) that he has any input into present buying!

Focussing on your health for the moment - invest in some washable pads or a cup. They’ll save you money long term and you won’t have to keep going to the shop.

I’m still not sure about this

At the core running through is the op has no money and he has money. And she would like his money to make her life easier. The saying that’s not what she wants, but really indicating that’s exactly what she wants as this is just too hard for her and she’s another two years of paying this debt off.

Op he’s not going to help you pay it. He is going to resent the impact your debt had on your lives, and he is going to resent the prolonged lying and deciept.

Now he shouldn’t be keeping on. But you need to not ask him for money anymore, and you need to speak to step change if your repayments are still to high and you can’t make it through the month. And you need to be not thinking of his savings.

You've both had a very hard time his control is probably keeping him together.
Can you speak to stepchange about lowering the payments.
It is early days if you only admitted the debt in lockdown it will take time for the anger to fade and gain trust.

@wishes1111

Thank you everyone.

I have had no finances, loans etc since I admitted it to him and started my plan with Stepchange. I would never do it again.

I have spoken to him and he said he will resent me until the day I've cleared it so I guess I'm in this for the long run.

Jeez, OP..

He sounds a real w@nker.

A cold, resentful type. Ugh, you'd be better off alone, surely, than with this mean spirited 'cheater'.

I can get why he's resentful about it, but it's pretty much the same as an affair. If you'd cheated and he decided to stay, that means you work on your relationship, not use the affair to beat you with. If he wants to use the debt as a weapon essentially, you should split up.

Otherwise you need to work on your marriage together, figure out why you thought you had to hide it from him, work through the miscarriages together as that will have hurt him too. You need therapy basically, together and separately.

And no he shouldn't pay off your debt. That was your mistake, own it and pay it back fully yourself. You'll feel a lot better for yourself by doing that and be less likely to do it again.

Well done for sorting yourself out OP.
You where spending for a reason - have you been able to access any help for this.
He needs to let it go now.
He could be kind to you - not punishing you when he feels like having a dig.
You need to tell him how upsetting this is fir you and that it’s “not helpful” - I’d be concerned once you have paid of your debt he will police your spending.
You haven’t asked him fir anything.
Your the one struggling.
I tell him he’s punished you enough.
💐

Why would tampons not go in the basket with the weekly shop?

I have been in his shoes before and it was horrendous, to be honest. I never really trusted him again - and I was right not to, because he kept repeating the pattern. In 8 years he never once cleared his debt, he just built it back up. I stopped helping him and that still didn't stop him. He's actually doing the right thing - it's always advised to partners of debtors NOT to pay off any loans even if the interest is high. And there's a good reason for that ...

Keep your communication open. It sounds like you're on the right path if you've sorted out a repayment plan and you're paying it back. I think he's (rightfully) nervous of you having enough of paying it back and just resuming normal spending before it's paid off. That's what it sounds like to me. I was totally justified to be worried in my case - because, like you, my ex made repayment plans but then, a few months, just thought "fuck it, it's too hard - let's buy some nice stuff again!" and just like that, the seal was broken, and he was out spending more than he earnt again...

I think you have to accept that it will be difficult to trust you until you can prove that you're right on track to repay. 2 years is a long time to not make mistakes - it's so easy to slip.... HOWEVER if you manage to get those repayments all in on time then it's amazing and it will fly by.

He is right to be cautious because it's very easy to promise to do something and then not ... !

Marriage counselling. You need to hear him and he needs to hear you.

@Porcupineintherough

Why would tampons not go in the basket with the weekly shop?

They aren't essential of both of them?!?!

Many women make that choice!

@Idontknowausername

I think he’s entirely within his right to resent you. You’re lucky he’s stayed with you tbh. I don’t think many women on here would stay with their husbands if the roles were reversed.

FFS. Such empathy for someone who has had a horrendous time and trying to turn it around.

I feel for you, however if my partner did the same I’d find it very difficult indeed to forgive.

He had the much bigger bills of sky, gas and electric.

Hmmm, my tv, gas and electric and internet bills are less than my council tax. She pays council tax and does bulk of food shop whilst they equally split the cost of rent. I'm not sure he got the short straw.

Does he have his own car or uses yours? In which case he needs to contribute.

You need to combine the cost of Bill's and then split it 60/40. Food shop and council even with a massive electicity/water bill wouldn't be the same cost.

You need to sit down and work out exactly what joint expenses you have. And for godsake tampons should be part of the food shop!

Is it solely your dog?

Part of your mismanagement of money can be your over compensating for someone who is overly cautious. I have had this with my husband of where I've picked up more costs to do with having kids because he doesn't prioritising needing new shoes, coat ect...its a balance.

Also if you were together as teens then these lies have been going on for a very long time. In fact he married you whilst being lied to. I assume he wanted to save for a house and this is put on hold due to this debt.

He is also paying the substantial amount for you to live. You pay forty percent of the rent, and that’s it. Nothing towards utilities, food, anything. He pays it all.

So you earn just over 1663 a month. After your phone and rent you’re left with over 1100 pounds. If you’ve only 30 a month spare, and you only pay your car, then you must be having to pay about 800- 900 a month towards step change.

It’s am astronomical amount. Which indicates the debt was much more than 8000. If it’d taking four years to pay it off at that level

That would be a debt of 40-50k.

I’m not convinced the resentment is simply about 8k debt - it’s not that much. I mean - he’s clearly tight as a gnat’s arse, but I don’t think it’s just that.

I wonder if he resents you for your miscarriages, not having kids (I assume - you don’t mention any?), for having an illness, for suffering from depression?

In short, I think the debt is a convenient peg on which to hang bigger issues and punish you for them.

None of which is healthy and could actually contribute to your depression and anxiety.

@Bluntness100 At the core running through is the op has no money and he has money. And she would like his money to make her life easier. The saying that’s not what she wants, but really indicating that’s exactly what she wants as this is just too hard for her and she’s another two years of paying this debt off.

It's interesting that you see the theme in OP's posts as her wanting his money to pay off her debt, whereas I see her wanting to not feel as anxious and depressed as she currently is. Unless your mention of her 'wanting to make her life easier' relates to her mental wellbeing (which is clearly shot to pieces). If so, why is this as a bad thing?

YANBU OP.

This DH sounds like a wanker.

The OP has put plans in place to repay the debt - she’s done the best she can now do.

I think the DH is using this as an excuse to constantly beat you down.

Leave him OP. Fuck that.

@Bluntness100 well you have just made up a whole lot of stuff there haven't you? Maybe re read the OPs post and apologise.

For starters, there's nothing DEAR about your husband. You say that you've been together since your teenage years so without sounding unkind, you really don't know anything different. A good husband would support you, for those saying he shouldn't have to contribute from his savings, the reason he's been able to accumulate money is by letting his wife pay a disproportionate amount of contribution to the household budget. I am not suggesting he clears the debt but he should be hanging his head in shame that you can barely afford to buy tampons.
Who does he think he is to sit in judgment? When he made his marriage vows to love and to cherish - cherish means looking out for and looking after each other.

Rumpole of the bloody Bailey there.

Christ.