Husband resents me for debt

[wishes1111]

Hello

I'll try and explain as briefly as possible.

I was raised by my grandparents and lost them both within 3 years or each other to cancer (in their 60s). I've also had 6 miscarriages during and since.

I have been on antidepressants since age 14 and have a history of anxiety too.

My coping mechanism was to spend, I took loans out, ordered clothes, things I didn't need and racked up nearly £8000 in debt, exchanging my utter sadness and despair for temporary happiness.

After 2 years of paying the minimum payments, I realised I couldn't hide it anymore, interest was rising and I was struggling to cope and was losing the battle of keeping my head above water.

I earn £24,000 a year, my husband earns £40,000.

I admitted it all during a breakdown, he was angry and sad that I'd done this and especially since I'd hid it from him. I fully understood this and took responsibility for my actions. I entered a payment plan with stepchange and have kept up with payments over the past couple of years and it's slowly but surely reducing. I'm paying this myself, as well as £550 for my half of rent and £30 for my phone. The rest, I use for birthday presents, diesel, car insurance and tax and I'm left with little per month. I've also cleared my overdraft in this time.

I have taken no further loans out since entering my plan with stepchange.

My problem is, my Husband resents me for this. He is a saver, he won't spend unless he has to and he saves what he can (which is a good thing). I've tried my hardest to turn my life around and take responsibility.

He said he will resent me until it's all paid off which will be another couple of years. Some days he is lovely, others it's like he's punishing me for my mistakes. Digs here and there, cold towards me, brings up what I did.

I can't even explain how much I regret doing this but I can't live like this. If I have £10 left for the last week of the month and I need to get something such as tampons or some lunch stuff for work , he tells me to sort it out myself. I understand I'm not his responsibility but this is wearing me down.

He has more than enough in savings to clear my debt. I don't expect him to do that but know in a heartbeat I would do it for him if I knew it was weighing on his shoulders, adding anxiety to his life and and he'd made an effort to change.

I feel I can't go on this way, but when he's in a nice mood I love him so much, when he's in his resentful mood he makes me feel low and like he'll never move past it.

I'm waffling, I don't expect people to think he's in the wrong, I get it.

I guess I'm just hoping for a hand hold whilst suffering my latest miscarriage, dealing with a resentful husband and trying my hardest to not fall back into a deep depression x

@Idontknowausername

You’re lucky he’s stayed with you tbh

I can't see any benefit to staying with someone who would be making constant recriminations, even if they had good cause.

You not lucky he stayed with you. Let’s just nip that in the bud. It’s reasonable manageable debt. It’s not like your asking him to pay. Your working. People need some serious perspective

Sorry to read all this, sounds like you are having a tough time right now.
I’ve not read all the 900 odd messages on this thread so will certainly missed so stuff.
In the long run £8k debt isn’t that much, but I suppose you have much to show for it (not like you had an 8k car loan and a car)

Sounds like you’re making good progress to pay it off,

I’m not married any more, but if my missus said one day she had 8k of debt and nothing to show, I think I’d be pretty pissed off, but not really resentful as such

Would I expect you to pay off the debt, yeah probably
Would I make digs about it, no probably not, how would that help the situation

You’re lucky he’s stayed with you tbh

Seriously, lucky he's treating her like shit? They've got no children? Why stay in a marriage full of resentment? (Not that children are a reason to stay).

It is a difficult one for sure. He is grieving too and it is not easy living with someone with such poor MH/suicidal. I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, but just explaining. Then he finds out he has to put his life on hold for 6 years, unable to buy a house etc, maybe for much longer until op can rebuild a good credit rating. Obviously there is the tragic repeated mc, but now with these debt issues, dc wouldn't be possible for years anyway. It is putting his life on hold and it sounds miserable for him too. It sounds like you guys haven't been communicating which clearly won't have been helping either. Maybe you will get through this, maybe you won't op, you both deserve to be happy and neither of you deserve to be living in this misery. I guess you both need to have a serious conversation about whether you can both forgive each other and move on with a fresh start or if it is time to move on from each other. No time like the present, there is no benefit to continuing in this misery. I also found his idea of the holiday a bit strange though maybe he is just desperate for you both to have something to look forward to for once.

Well done OP! I'm glad you spoke with him and showed him how he's making you feel and suffer. Hopefully that's opened the communication channel you both need.
And now I hope you don't feel as guilty as you used to having listened to all the sensible advice here .... but seriously I hope its made you realise you don't have to take all that shit just because you did a mistake. You can draw your line and know when he's crossed it. You can pull him up when he punishes you or makes a dig.
I think the holiday is a nice thought especially if its something you mentioned before. Whether he is abusive and continues to be so you are in a better position to see that now and decide your future.
Wishing you well

He's being abusive and that's not ok whatever you did. If sounds like there were valid reasons for your behaviour and you are in the process of sorting it out. He's your husband though, you should be a team. It may be a minority view but I think he should help you pay it off if he has the means. If you were still spending that's another matter but if that's all behind you he should be supporting you and not playing with your MH which he knows has been an issue. I think you need to really evaluate what you're getting from this relationship.

Dear OP, I haven't read all of the thread so apologies if I missed relevant info. But want to echo all the PPs saying that, while his initial disappointment is very understandable, your DH dangling your past misdeeds over your head like this seems really unfair and potentially abusive.

Especially since you say that you've been with him since school, if I remember right, which means that he knows how important your grandparents were to you. Also, he's seen you suffer through all six miscarriages and evidently did not manage to support you to the extent that you might not have needed to comfort shop.

Perhaps that would have been asking too much, but still - where was he all that time, when you were turning into a shadow of your old self, as you say? What was he doing? Did he try to help you stop the spiralling, was his role indifferent, or did he make things worse? I think the answers to these questions are very important to work out if your relationship has a future.

I'm sorry you're going through this. All the best.

You have been through a bad time and have worked hard at getting that debt down he needs to lay off you.

@Ivyr0se

Again OP I would urge you to return to counselling. A lot of posters in here are missing the fact that you have an addiction. Addicts are very good at minimising their behaviour and see attempts or concerns about a repeat in behaviour as controlling. Its an addicts mindset.

Being the partner of an addict changes the dynamics of a relationship on a fundamental level. Normal things like sharing money become enabling behaviour.

I understand people are trying to help you but they are missing the fact you have an addiction and your thought processes are disjointed until you get professional help.

Your husband and you both sound like good people who are struggling.

What you have described is not financial abuse.

I'm sorry for your losses. As your most recent pregnancy was a surprise I would suggest you both abstain from sex until you both have the contraception sorted.
Deal with your addiction while investigations are ongoing and get professional support for grief and addiction.

@Ivyr0se Please actually read the OP's posts before commenting.

She does not have an addiction. She got into debt ONCE.
She never had a spending problem before, or after.

It.....was......once! Clearly NOT an addiction. Not to anyone familiar with addiction. It needs to have happened more than once. That's the very essence and definition.

It is ever so clear she is a victim of financial abuse and emotional abuse. Keeping all his money as 'his', denying her tampons and pads when she has endometriosis, this is clear and simple classic financial abuse to ANYONE familiar with abuse.

@SkeletorAttack She wasn't a liability for many years, NOW all of a sudden, because she had a traumatic experience, she is? Maybe HE is the liability, as he seems emotionally barren and financially abusive.

The reason you cannot compare this to a man is very simple;
this involves a woman's reproductive system.
A man cannot physically go through a miscarriage and the resultant psychological (and physical) trauma.
A man cannot get endometriosis, so cannot be deprived of the necessity of pads and tampons.

That right there is the difference.

The OP is being financially abused as well as emotionally abused all because of biology.

@SkeletorAttack The same way she trusted him again after HE CHEATED ON HER TWICE! and she forgave him and took him back, and didn't rub his scummy nose in it for years. He is pure scum. All she did was go on one spending spree (and what woman hasn't ever gone on a spending spree?) after a major trauma. She is still far, FAR better than he is. HE should be begging HER for forgiveness! wtf. smh

He also said about his savings, that he is saving for a house of our own because we are spending a fortune on private renting and I appreciate that but wish he'd told me that sooner, he's never expressed a desire to save for a house. He's been secretive about his savings.

Ah, so he has been keeping financial secrets from you, too, what a hypocrite he is! And we only have his word that he is saving for a house. Funny how that only come out when he was confronted with his financial abuse and selfishness. Sounds like something he made up on the spot, plucked from thin air, to make himself look good.....

@SkeletorAttack is clearly an unloved troll. Ignore them and their embarrassing posts.

It is a difficult one for sure. He is grieving too and it is not easy living with someone with such poor MH/suicidal. I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, but just explaining. Then he finds out he has to put his life on hold for 6 years, unable to buy a house etc, maybe for much longer until op can rebuild a good credit rating.

His life isn't on hold ffs. Maybe he should fucking grow a pair. People are able to purchase a property on a single salary - I managed it. Given how much he earns, and the fact that he disproportionately contributes towards living costs, I'm going to spare him the violin. Not entirely sure what he has to be pissed off about, OP's debt hasn't really affected him.

@Cheeseandwin5

I have seen a number of posts where complaints have been made about DH poor financial situation either by wastefulness or by gambling and I have never seen one message saying that the DW was wrong for not helping to sort out the problem, let alone the number I have seen here. Normally the advise is to kick the DH out. I am truly amazed. I wonder why none of these posters have ever revealed this attitude on other posts???

Anyway OP, just because you are sorry and are doing things to change your behaviour, doesn't mean your DH should automatically assume you are now fine. Trust once destroyed needs time to grow again and its up to you to prove yourself. He has believed your lies over years, so how can he know you are telling the truth now.
You need to carry on being honest and prudent and realise that this situation is down to you not him.

@Cheeseandwin5 "lies over 'years' " It was only for a few months, and she has proven herself for two years now, already!

"change your behaviour"...? It was one time only, she had never done it for 10 years prior, nor for 2 years since it happened. RTFT!

Bloody hell op, your husband sounds like an utter tool. I couldn't stand the constant digs. Rather be single.

Again thank you so much for your kind comments.

I'm not excusing my DH behaviour and I'm not excusing mine.

I fully expected the repercussions of my lie and the secret debt/spending.

I knew I'd have a few years of paying it off, I knew there was a chance he'd leave, I knew it would take a while for him to trust me, I knew he would be angry and upset (as id have been) but as I said in my first post, I didn't expect him to change into somebody I didn't recognise and "punish" by one day being nice and his usual self and the next being cold and distant and telling me it's my fault he resents me and will do so until the debt is paid.

To answer the poster who asked what would happen if I didn't show him my step change statements, I don't know. He's never been violent and I'm not scared of him but when I promised to get it all together and pay it back with the help of a debt support company, I promised I would share the statements with him to prove I was making payments. He never asks to see my private statements. He never asks to see my step change ones but every month I show him and the remaining balance.

Also, I do not have a spending addiction, I was probably careless with money when I was younger (teen, had my first job, like a night out and new clothes etc) but I was never in debt and I haven't taken out new debt since I started my DMP with Stepchange.

@wishes1111 ignore people projecting their own issues on to you! You're doing great, hopefully it can be resolved with your DH, if that's what you want.

Do include in the discussions the division of house work as well.

Good luck

Sorry for the repeated posts, lots of questions to answer.

I can use the joint account but I do not as he scrutinises it through online banking (checks it nearly every day) and if I buy a bottle of water for work on there or we've run out of toilet roll etc, I'll get a text asking me "why did you spend £3 in Tesco's/Sainsbury's /the local corner shop" and it's just not worth the constant nagging. So I very rarely use it.

We had another chat last night and I told him I feel like he's treated me as if I need constant punishing and reminding on top of dealing with my grief, anxiety, depression. I broke down in front of him and told him that I didn't feel life is worth living like this. For the first time in what feels like forever, I saw him cry, he put his arms around me, he told me he is sorry, he's agreed to come to couples counselling especially to focus on our shared grief of losing our babies.

I told him I want him to cancel the holiday to Cyprus (after reading some of your posts I thought maybe they're right and it's another way of control and what gives him the right to book a holiday without asking me).

He said to me that if I want him to cancel he will but he thought having something to look forward to after so much shit for the past 7 odd years (losing grandparents, babies, the debt etc). I think he genuinely booked it to lift our spirits up so agreed to leave as it is and he's agreed to counselling.

We have agreed that the coil will be fitted and stay there, we will go to counselling, try and move past this with help from professionals and focus on the holiday and if we are together/in a good place after the holiday we will re-evaluate the whole baby situation. Hopefully I would have had extra tests by then.

He's working away from today until Saturday afternoon. He said Saturday night he will sit with me, make a spreadsheet and look into how much interest I'm paying, he said because I've cleared a chunk of it, he will the remaining and we will work out on the spreadsheet from there. Which I am grateful for but I have made it clear that if he's going to throw it in my face any chance he gets I don't want him to do it. He's promised he will not and I've promised that if he does I will leave for the best of both of us.

Without the people on here offering advice, being kind and supportive, I wouldn't have had the confidence to stand my ground. So thank you to you all.

As for the trolls and the unkind people, I really do hope life does not ever hit you with such grief, pain, trauma. I wouldn't wish what I've been through on anyone but please just be kinder. If I was still in that place I was a year ago when I attempted to take my own life, some of your words could of pushed me over the edge. Just please think before you judge.

I have no idea why people say they would resent you. It wasnt a huge debt and he is being a twat.
He should help out. My d and i were both in debt when we met .... so what? Lifed hapoens. Weve nearly paid it off but we didn't resent each other. Sounds like hes enjying the power tbh.

Life happens*

This sounds positive. Well done OP
You have told him you will not be flagellated anymore. Mean it.

The discussion about how you would finance if you have a child does also need to be discussed.
Also when doing the weekly shop, make sure you have several packs of tampons in advance, same with loo roll etc, you will save money not needing to go to the corner shop

@Mix56 we did touch on that last night, he said because of his savings, his good salary and because I get good maternity pay in my job, I could afford to be off for the first year at least if I wanted to but a baby will not be happening within the next 2 years.

That's it we work through this. X

They've been together since 16, he cheated previously he is not an angel.

I totally missed that he'd cheated. Now that's something I would be wondering if I could trust again.
Imagine if you kept going on about it and being nasty to him every so often because of it.

He has an absolute cheek beating you over the head about the debt, bit your updates are promising.