Husband resents me for debt

[wishes1111]

Hello

I'll try and explain as briefly as possible.

I was raised by my grandparents and lost them both within 3 years or each other to cancer (in their 60s). I've also had 6 miscarriages during and since.

I have been on antidepressants since age 14 and have a history of anxiety too.

My coping mechanism was to spend, I took loans out, ordered clothes, things I didn't need and racked up nearly £8000 in debt, exchanging my utter sadness and despair for temporary happiness.

After 2 years of paying the minimum payments, I realised I couldn't hide it anymore, interest was rising and I was struggling to cope and was losing the battle of keeping my head above water.

I earn £24,000 a year, my husband earns £40,000.

I admitted it all during a breakdown, he was angry and sad that I'd done this and especially since I'd hid it from him. I fully understood this and took responsibility for my actions. I entered a payment plan with stepchange and have kept up with payments over the past couple of years and it's slowly but surely reducing. I'm paying this myself, as well as £550 for my half of rent and £30 for my phone. The rest, I use for birthday presents, diesel, car insurance and tax and I'm left with little per month. I've also cleared my overdraft in this time.

I have taken no further loans out since entering my plan with stepchange.

My problem is, my Husband resents me for this. He is a saver, he won't spend unless he has to and he saves what he can (which is a good thing). I've tried my hardest to turn my life around and take responsibility.

He said he will resent me until it's all paid off which will be another couple of years. Some days he is lovely, others it's like he's punishing me for my mistakes. Digs here and there, cold towards me, brings up what I did.

I can't even explain how much I regret doing this but I can't live like this. If I have £10 left for the last week of the month and I need to get something such as tampons or some lunch stuff for work , he tells me to sort it out myself. I understand I'm not his responsibility but this is wearing me down.

He has more than enough in savings to clear my debt. I don't expect him to do that but know in a heartbeat I would do it for him if I knew it was weighing on his shoulders, adding anxiety to his life and and he'd made an effort to change.

I feel I can't go on this way, but when he's in a nice mood I love him so much, when he's in his resentful mood he makes me feel low and like he'll never move past it.

I'm waffling, I don't expect people to think he's in the wrong, I get it.

I guess I'm just hoping for a hand hold whilst suffering my latest miscarriage, dealing with a resentful husband and trying my hardest to not fall back into a deep depression x

What a awful situation, I think regardless of the debt your husbands attitude to you, having decided to stay in a relationship with you, is really shitty.

It's not really the same situation as I knew my partner was in considerable debt (probably 3x more than you) before we got together, we aren't married and keep our finances separate, but both earn similar amounts so split bills evenly. I've probably got the same in savings as he has in debt, and have in the past given him a loan so he can pay a card off or such, he paid me back with a small amount of interest, fraction of what the card company would take.

I pay for our holidays because I want us to have a family holiday and like being with him. It just sounds like your husband doesn't like you :(

While he is looking at finances,.....
Who paid for your car? Do you really need a car, what if you sold it ? He could buy his own, & pay tax & insure, upkeep & diesel...)
& all the presents you buy, the ones for his family should be paid by him
& the beer only he drinks.
Can you see that he is essentially profiting ?

That's really positive @wishes1111! I hope it all pans out as you hope, best wishes

It's not easy facing up to debt, especially with the losses, but it's such a good sign that you're able to talk openly now with your husband. Shit happens - it's how you deal with it that matters!

I had my car on finance before all of this happened. It was paid in full over 2 years. It's not a fancy car just a normal run-around.

I do need it because I have a 40 minute commute to work.

Just to add, it's my car and it was financed in my name and I paid for it on my own.

* Sometimes I wonder why people are nasty*

Ask your husband. He should give you some insight.

Op you behaves badly
He behaved badly

He thinks you’re a bit shit
You think he’s a bit shit

It’s over at some point

I'm not as dismissive of the holiday as some. I think he did it, in his mind, as something nice, not something to control OP with.

He may have missed the mark, but I'm not about to say that he's just demonstrated again what a monster he is.

@Hagotcha80 the rest of my post relates to nasty strangers online.

I haven’t RTFT, just the OP’s posts.

Wishes I’m glad the conversation went well, hope things continue to improve.

Regarding the interest on your CC bills, could you call them and ask them to reduce the interest? I’m not sure because you said StepChange are dealing with the creditors, but my CC company reduced my interest rate because I’d been making regular payments. It’s worth asking them.

Hope you and DH enjoy your holiday.

[quote wishes1111]@Hagotcha80 the rest of my post relates to nasty strangers online.[/quote]
Yes got that!

Your car that he uses ?

Ask your husband. He should give you some insight
Jesus they just keep coming has to be a side effect of covid or some madness.

My DH did this to me but with £50K. Nothing particularly wasteful, or gambling etc, it just kept building and building up and his head went further and further into the sand.

I was half upset for him and how ashamed he was feeling and half angry. It took me a couple of days to calm down but by then, I had reorganised the debt where I could, taken out a loan to pay it off over a long period of time and took over all the finances. It got sorted and it has made me slightly paranoid when the CC bill gets a bit high but it never even occurred to me to keep reminding him of it all. I don't need to, he beats himself up for it. We are a couple, and it didn't occur to me to not help him.

@Hagotcha80 are you saying the OPs DH has the right to be nasty?

OP I can completely see why your DH would resent the secrecy that went with the debt building up but this really got to me:

"He said he will resent me until it's all paid off which will be another couple of years. Some days he is lovely, others it's like he's punishing me for my mistakes. Digs here and there, cold towards me, brings up what I did."

This reads to me like he's just found an excuse to be beastly to you whenever he feels like it. Have you asked him why it changes from day to day? Either he's capable of moving past it or he's not.

I 100% understand why you want to have a child, I have no idea why you would still want to have his child after all this.

I keep thinking of you OP. I also think you have done brillianty, and I really hope you are OK, and will be able to sit down with DH and work out a fair financial set up going forward.

Other posters have mentioned this, but I think it keeps getting swamped in the thread. The fairest way to split your finances is to have ALL household expenses coming out of your joint account. Not just the fixed bills, but everything. You can pay into that account in whatever proportions you see fair, but some of the things you mention like washing up liquid are a household expense. Do you pay for his saving foam/razors in your weekly shop? He should be paying for your sanitary protection too. It's all just 'groceries'.

I really wouldn't be surprised if you taking on all of the variable costs like food shopping and all the car costs has meant that you have actually been subsidising him all this time, making it even harder for you to pay back your debt.

Rent, council tax, all utilities, house/car insurance, all car costs, all grocery shopping, basic phone/internet - these are all joint costs as you both benefit from all of them. If your pet is a joint pet that you both wanted, then that is a joint expense too - insuarece, food, vets bills, everying. All of that should be coming out of a joint account that you both pay into. If the joint account is short, you both top it up.

A PP posted a link to money saving expert. It is a great website, with budgeting tools, and is a really good starting point for getting a properly fair budget sorted.

I know that personally, our shopping bill has increased over time as prices go up. They went up quite a lot last year. I expect that the amount you have been paying has gone up too. Has this been taken into account, or have you been expected to just swallow all of the price increases? Do you know how much you normally spend at the supermarket and any top up shops in a normal month? Get out your statements and find out. Similarly with diesel and all your car bills. Go through all of it and make sure you know exactly how much you have been spending, on average, on all of these things that are acually household expenses. Then, you can be properly prepared when you speak to him.

I know many posters have focussed on what they see as his abuse of you. I agree with them, but right now, it looks like your priority needs to be getting your finances set up on a fair basis, so that is what I am focussing on here.

OP, I just want to give you a hug. I think that, when the earning is not roughly equal, the higher earner has little realisation of how difficult it can be.
It took years to persuade my DH to get a joint bank account. Before that, the utilities and council tax were in my name, he paid the mortgage, life assurance, internet/phone etc, we'd do the odd big shop that he'd pay for, then I'd do loads of 'could you just get....' at the local shop. It all added up and in reality, was very uneven.

He's always very generous and laid back, so the resentment only crept in very slowly.
Then I lost my child benefit (£209 a month) when his earnings increased. I started getting into overdraft debt, which was when I laid down the law and forced a review of finances.

We now have a joint account that pays for EVERYTHING to do with the household and kids. He puts in a third of his wages and I put in a third of mine. If I need to pick up a birthday card or shopping for his mum, that goes out of there too! The online shop is done together once a week and includes stuff for our lunches, his beer, my tampons, toiletries etc.

I'd still prefer if it all went into one pot (because I'm the saver - or would be if I had any spare) but he'll always top up the joint account if necessary - no questions asked. We can both view the account on our phones so neither of us takes the piss. The other reason it can't be entirely joint is that once he has to go back to his designated office a few days a week, he'll have to fork out for travel, hotel and food etc. He also covers 'big' purchases e.g. a laptop for the kids to use in lockdown, or servicing on my car.

I think you need to sit down and work out exactly what the household outgoings are and change all the direct debits for bills so that they ALL come out of the joint account. Pay a fair proportion of your income into it to cover and the rest is yours.

I really hope you manage to come to an arrangement which works for you and that he stops being so resentful and starts being more understanding and less tight. I paid off my DH's credit card debt with what was left of my savings when we moved in together because I wanted us to start off with a clean slate,

@Wotsitsarecheesy thank you for your advice.

He said he thinks we should do a spread sheet, go through both of our statements and put every single thing down, what's coming in and going out and every month keep a record.

I think that would put my mind at rest having something in writing down that I can visually see and budget.

I have recently changed shopping to Aldi however do pop to Tesco's etc for laundry stuff and body wash etc (just personal preference).

He also said about his savings, that he is saving for a house of our own because we are spending a fortune on private renting and I appreciate that but wish he'd told me that sooner, he's never expressed a desire to save for a house. He's been secretive about his savings.

I have to give him some credit where it's due, he does work hard and has his own company which is building up nicely.

I feel a lot more settled today knowing he's at least acknowledged his torment towards me and bitterness and how it's affecting my self esteem and mental health. He can say all the right words but only actions will change us, the same goes for me (for not taking out any more debt and for keeping up my payments).

The person I married isn't a monster, before this happened, he was respectful, kind, caring, a gentleman. Before the grief took its toll and then my revelation regarding debt.

He cheated when we were 18 twice, it took a long time but I forgave him and I didn't continue to punish him over it (I saw it as being stupid and teenagers and mistakes). We grew up a lot and married a few years later and I have no reason to mistrust him now.

When we started trying for a baby, it was so exciting, we were just married, so in love and then the miscarriages just kept coming and I think we both lost a lot of ourselves due to the trauma and grief and I hope we can finally talk about the losses and grieve properly.

@BaileysforBreakfast

I've only read to page 18, but some of the people on this thread are unbelievable. I'm talking about the ones who are making their own decisions about the 'real' size of OP's debt and making massive assumptions about her outgoings before deciding she's a liar. Fortunately, when Stepchange work out debt repayments they DON'T say, 'Oh, you have a car; that will be, say, £50 a month for diesel'. They add in all the other expenses of car ownership: road tax, car insurance, annual MOT, even - if you drive an older car - a contingency for repairs. In short, they look at the ACTUAL expense of a car - not just say "... blah, blah, £50 for diesel therefore OP is lying and has more disposable income than she claims."

Why are some people so fucking nasty all the time, particularly when they know fuck all about the OP's expenses, apart from what she's disclosing here? And why the hell should she account for her every penny to a bunch of random people on the internet?

Couldn't agree more.

@SkeletorAttack

I feel bad for you OP but I do understand why your DH feels and acts as he does. Your reckless behaviour (absolutely recognising it was a coping mechanism) impacts you both - your debt becomes his debt, and impacts your future opportunities re: credit score, buying a larger home etc. I guess a parallel would be if you had had a drug or drinking problem in the past - the admission has made him wary of whether he really knows you and can trust you.

Would he have gone out with you and married you had he known from the start, do you think?

She has no debt when they married. Maybe read the fucking thread before immediately passing judgement.

Looks like wotsitsarecheesy and I have said similar. I'll just add, that when we initially worked out the finances and got the household account, it soon became apparent that we'd both vastly underestimated our 'sundry' household spending. I have absolutely no doubt that you're spending an awful lot more than you thought on food, toiletries, cleaning products, pet food etc. Think it will be quite the wake up call for him actually. I'm avoiding doing ANY additional food shopping at the moment (mainly for covid reasons) as we both sit down and do an online Morrisons shop together. It appears to have saved us a fair amount.
Communication is absolutely key and I hope you manage to figure things out.

@GrimSisters thank you xx

Can I just ask why my credit would affect his?

All debts were in my name, i did not include joint income in these or give his name anywhere.

My credit rating is impacted due to having a DMP. His is very good.

@Liervik

Not rtft, but I earn similar to you and have similar debt.

My partner isn't in a position to help me out paying it back, but he was very kind, we sat down together and worked out a plan. Not kicking me while I was down. He didn't make me feel ashamed, if anything he made me feel empowered and in control.

this is how a partner should be. Supportive, not blaming.

I'm so glad you've been able to sit down and talk to your husband @wishes1111 I really hope things start to improve for you very soon.

@wishes1111

Can I just ask why my credit would affect his?

All debts were in my name, i did not include joint income in these or give his name anywhere.

My credit rating is impacted due to having a DMP. His is very good.

Because both credit histories are taken into account when you buy house together, get a credit card, joint account etc.